Friday, May 21, 2010

Quick and Dirty - through April 2010

I have a fascination for detailed sexual histories, but mine is long compared to most in the blog-sphere. Here is a quick and dirty synopsis of what I have posted so far:

I self-identified as gay at 12. I struggled with it at first, but by 13 I accepted myself. I had no need or reason to tell anyone else I was gay. It was good enough that I knew myself, so I stayed in the closet.

At 15, my sexual thoughts and dreams were only about boys. However, what I desired more than sex was intimacy. My ideal was to be so emotionally and physically close to another guy that we became One.

Also at 15, I unintentionally outed myself by writing an anonymous note that wasn't anonymous. I worried about being harassed, but when nothing happened after a few days, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then on Halloween someone wrote "FAG" in large, bloody letters on my locker. The word, written like that, was a knife in my soul. It freaked me out and pushed me even more deeply into the closet.

Shortly thereafter, I felt so isolated by the closet that I was seriously suicidal.

Ultimately, my inability to kill myself forced me to persevere. I learned that self-hatred was not the answer.

At 17 I had my first relationship with a boy. There were great moments and not so great moments, but it only lasted about two months.

In college I was too busy having a blast to worry about sex or coming out. It was only when I was home from school that sex dominated. One summer, a friend came out to me and I came out to him. He introduced me to gay life in San Francisco bars in the mid-80s.

At 20 I traveled through Europe alone for 17 days, on my way to study in England. I was a tourist by day and an out gay man by night---although some nights didn't go as planned. I gained some confidence and experience as I cruised multiple gay bars alone; I was slowly emerging from the closet.

I spent my last night "out" in London with a nice, older guy. In the morning he offered to be my life-long sugar daddy if I stayed with him. I declined his offer.

Only hours later I met a girl, Gabbie.

Initially, I had no interest in Gabbie as anything more than a friend. But she was both persistent and insistent. Within two weeks we were a couple. I didn't take our unconsummated relationship seriously and assumed that it would end when we returned to the States. It didn't. In fact, only a few months later Gabbie gave me an ultimatum to propose or break up.

I took the easy way out and gave her a ring.

We had a three year engagement. Often, I wanted to end our relationship, but I didn't know how to do it. Just as often, I wanted to deepen our relationship; I liked Gabbie and I liked the idea of having four kids and a nice house surrounded by a white picket fence.

Two years after we were married Gabbie spent a lot of time socializing after work. I was left with a lot of time on my hands to daydream about men. I placed a personal ad in an alternative paper and met a 20 year old UC Berkeley student, Jim. Jim was a terrific guy and during our very long first night together, he promised to support me if I came out to Gabbie. Later that same night I took him up on his offer; I returned to Gabbie and told her I was gay.

Gabbie and I immediately separated. I assumed our marriage was over.

Jim and I very much enjoyed each other as dating boyfriends. Because of his parents' painful divorce, Jim did not want Gabbie to know about him. And she didn't...until they bumped into each other in a very awkward moment.

Based on Jim's wishes to not be involved with my divorce, I lied to Gabbie and said that Jim was just a friend.

A few weeks later, I realized that the less time I spent with Gabbie, the more I missed her.

Before our split we had paid for a week-long vacation to Florida together. In spite of our separation, we both wanted to go.

The week in Florida got us back together. By the end, I knew that I wanted to be with her more than I wanted to be with Jim.

And that was saying something because Jim was perfect.

My affair with Jim lasted 10 weeks. When I returned to Gabbie, I no longer felt tricked or trapped by her. I felt secure in our relationship. She, however, was unnerved. Her faith in our future was permanently compromised and no matter how much time passed, she never missed an opportunity to tell me that one day she knew I was going to leave her again.

Our day-to-day life together was very good, and only five months after leaving Jim, Gabbie was pregnant. Her pregnancy did not come easily, at least not until we used an eye dropper to send my boys in. Much to our mutual horror, we learned that Gabbie's hymen was intact. Years earlier, when we 'lost' our mutual straight virginities to each other, it had been a painful, unpleasant experience for Gabbie. The next day, what was comfortable for her was a frottage sort of sex where I did not penetrate her cervix. We both got off so the sex seemed to work. In our ignorance, we continued having sex that way until a doctor broke Gabbie's hymen years later.

Our first kid was a boy, Conrad. He was born in 1994. When Conrad was about 18 months, the Internet started to become more popular and, in an effort to find men like myself, I signed on. Even before the Internet I had Tea Room sex with different men. Although I was having sex with various men, I always felt committed to Gabbie.

Sex was not my goal, it was a means to an end. What I really craved was an intimate relationship with a man. After a few years of Tea Room jack-offs and other hook-ups, I wanted something deeper and more personal. I found that in a series of Fuck Buddies, from 1996 - 2003. The longest one was with Marc. We met frequently for more than 5 years.

In 1997 and 1999, Gabbie and I had two more kids. First a boy, John, then a girl, Rose. All of Gabbie's deliveries were by cesarean. I had always hoped for a vaginal birth so that her cervix would be stretched, but it never happened. Often I would encourage Gabbie to let me try to penetrate her so that we could fuck correctly, but she always complained about the pain and gave up in frustration. When I insisted on trying sex that way it turned into an unpleasant experience so eventually I gave up. Instead we used our slip-n-slide method which worked for both of us.

I stopped looking for Fuck Buddies in 2003. I had no emotional connection with the last guy and therefore found the sex unsatisfying. I felt done with hook-ups and Fuck Buddies.

I haven't had sex with a man in seven years.

I took Propecia for a number of years, which is a very slow acting hormone. It's supposed to grow hair, and it does, but it also has severe side-effects. One of the many side-effects was that it put me into a insulated, unsocial, unsexual, unemotional world.

It killed my sex life but I didn't care.

From 2003-late 2007 my libido was extremely low, causing my sex life with Gabbie to suffer---much to her dissatisfaction as she reached her sexual prime.

In 2006, a series of events began that brings me to today, where I face an uncertain future. The next two posts will detail those events and catch us up to today.

3 comments:

  1. Cameron - thanks for the summary- I have followed your entire history closely to date and have recommended other men to your as you are so clearly able to tell your story in a way many of us can relate to. Thanks for being so persistent and regular in your chronicles

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  3. (Sorry, Cameron, my first comment had a mistaken word in it. Here's what I meant to say:)

    Cameron, As always I appreciate the straight-forwardness of your posts. You have a fearless way of looking at yourself that is emotionally honest without ever being sentimental.

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