Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Looking Ahead

April 21, 2010 was my 20th wedding anniversary with Gabbie.

We went out to dinner and had a decent time, but celebrating the occasion seemed pointless. Only a week before, she told me she was leaving as soon as we sold our house.

It turns out that the dinner may not have been pointless.

Gabbie's drunken run-in with the police in early April marked a low for her behavior. Since then, she has been so afraid of being charged with Public Intoxication that she stops at one drink when she goes out.

In late May, her night job ended. She is no longer sleep deprived.

Now, sober and rested, Gabbie only has one major pressure on her and that is the house. Our attempt to sell it has failed. For whatever reason, the decent real estate market in February, March and April has turned into a wasteland in May and June. Absolutely nothing is selling and every week new listings are adding to the inventory.

After wrestling with what to do, we have decided to take the house off the market. Because lenders will not negotiate if they receive their payments on time, Gabbie has decided to let her 820 credit score go. It will be many months before we know if the lender will modify the loan or take the house.

Gabbie says she is very afraid right now. Her fear gives me confidence that, at least in the short run, she wants me around. What happens thereafter is anyone's guess.

I am tired of the drama of the past six months. I am tired of writing about myself. This blog has become the most selfish indulgence I have allowed myself in many years, at least since my long affair with Marc.

Now that I have reached the present day it is time for me to stop looking back and start looking ahead. It has always been my intention that most of the blog would focus on the pros and cons of gay men with kids coming out in mid-life.

In the coming weeks and months, I look forward to engaging in a lively, provocative discussion that sometimes challenges the status quo and sometimes affirms it. I hope you are ready and willing to participate.

6 comments:

  1. Cameron
    We could all see this debacle playing itself out and coming to this but it is still so painful to read as you were still holding out a glimmer of hope for renewing your relationship with Gabbie at least in your comments to others as recently as two weeks ago. The financial stresses on top of this can be so demoralizing and make you feel so terrible as well as completely insecure about your future. A miss-timed major renovation of our home which I pushed for and has sucked up hundreds of thousands of borrowed money and a small inheritance from my parents places me in a similar situation in terms of a dead market, and it took a big toll on the marriage, so I can really relate to how this alone might stress things.

    Please see if you can get some daily joy out of the children, and find some time to detach yourself from the sadness and chaos and find some small outlets - walking, reading, whatever you can each day as your own time to stay calm and centered and value what a terrific person you are. Your sacrifices have been huge, and your Job like tale shows amazing resolve on your part to "do the right thing". Please keep using this blog like a journal to help yourself sort things out, and get some feedback from sympathetic men who totally get who you are from reading your story.

    I only wish I lived nearby and could take you out for a cold beer and get you to talk it all out and give you a huge hug of support.

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  2. Thank you Jayson for your warm words of support! I am an optimistic person so, no matter what the future brings, I expect that some of it will be good news.

    As always I appreciate your generous spirit and thoughtful support.

    I will be greatly broadening the focus of the blog and I think you will have a lot to contribute in the future.

    I'll take you up on the beer and the hug any time!

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  3. Hey Cameron, Here's to some continued peace in your home, and the chance for you to contemplate what lies ahead. Thanks for letting us talk with you on your journey.

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  4. Thank you Mark.

    I didn't realize until recently but if I didn't have this blog, I'd have absolutely NO ONE to talk to.

    I cannot adequately express how much I appreciate your thoughts and concerns.

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  5. It has always been my intention that most of the blog would focus on the pros and cons of gay men with kids coming out in mid-life.

    Hey Cam...

    You listened to me before and responded thoughtfully about the possibility of soldiering on but emerging a more wounded soldier several years down the road...

    I have dark moments when I worry that yours is not so much a story of a gay guy with kids coming out, but of a person struggling with the shackles of an emotionally abusive relationship.

    I just want you to be well, to be calling your own shots, to be creating a reasonably healthy life for yourself.

    --Bose

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  6. Bose - I'm very thankful (and slightly overwhelmed!) by everyone's concern for me, especially you. I am aware that I've made myself a doormat. So in that sense, I have been calling my own shots. The 'reasonably healthy life' - well, Gabbie has been calm for weeks, so I feel like I'm back in the status quo of the past several years. It's not a bad place but I don't know what the future will bring. I'm ok with that. Whatever happens, I know I will be ok. My main concern is that the kids have the opportunity to have happy, supported childhoods.

    Thank you again for your concern Bose. I very much appreciate your kind comments.

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