Tuesday, July 27, 2010


The last time I wrote about my current situation was June 15th's Looking Ahead.

Here's an update, some changes are afoot.

This year has been one of the most chaotic in the last 18 years of my marriage. The chaos has not been directly related to the fact that I am gay and married to a woman. My 43 year old wife Gabbie is into her fourth year of a mid-life crisis and her behavior for the first four months of this year has been the worst ever.

After nearly getting arrested for public intoxication in April, Gabbie has spent far, far more time sober in the last three months than she has in years.

Even better, her attitude toward total-loser-but-former-lover Charlie has turned consistently negative. All they did in May and June was fight. After a solid month of hearing nothing but complaints from her, I decided it was time to test the waters, again, to see if she wanted to be rid of Charlie.

"Yes, I want him to go away. I want my life back."

I couldn't have heard sweeter words but I had to be skeptical. Many times before over the past four years she's been down on Charlie and I thought she was through with him, but she wasn't. A week later, I asked again. Same answer. Finally, in the last week of June, I asked again.

She was unequivocal, "I don't want to deal with him any more. Please tell me you have a way to get rid of him."

"I can't promise anything, but I have a plan." Of course she wanted to know the plan but I wouldn't say. I didn't want to take the chance of her letting anything slip to Charlie.

Charlie is English. He's been in the US for at least 17 years, and has two kids here, but he's illegal. He has no green card, no social security number, no driver's license and a lengthy criminal record. He drives a beater truck that can't be registered because it does not pass the California Smog test. He's a high-functioning alcoholic, but he's an alcoholic nonetheless.

My plan was very simple: take pictures of Charlie and his piece of shit truck and anonymously mail them to the local police department, along with a letter explaining what a menace to society he is. In the letter I was going to include a request that the cops wait until a weekend night and catch Charlie driving home drunk from the bar. If they did that he'd be in jail for the DUI and driving without a license. In addition, I think he has a bench warrant out for unpaid fines from his last trip to jail.

Putting him in jail was not going to permanently get rid of him. I had to make certain the cops pulled his immigration record. He's been in jail at least three times in the last few years and even though his legal status was supposed to be checked, it wasn't. Getting him deported is the easiest way to get rid of him.

On Monday, June 28th, I secretly got the pictures of his truck. Gabbie already had pictures of him, so that was easy. On Tuesday, I called an Immigration 800-number to report him. I was surprised by the quality of service I received. Not only did they take me seriously, but they confirmed more information to me than they probably should have.

The next weekend was the 4th of July. There's always a big local parade in town so between that and the usual trouble, the cops are kept busy. I decided to wait until the following week to send the letter and pictures to the police.

It turns out that I didn't need to send anything. At 10am on Friday, July 2nd, Charlie caught the attention of a California Highway Patrol officer when he dangerously swerved to avoid a car on the freeway. He had no license and blew a .085 blood-alcohol limit. The legal limit in California is .08.

Gabbie called to tell me he was in jail at around 1pm. "Is this is the plan? What's going to happen?!"

I still didn't want any chance of her tipping Charlie off so I dodged the question. "It doesn't sound good to me. What else do you know?"

It turns out that he lied to the CHP officer and the booking officer about his identity.

Now I was in a panic. How could I tell them his real name without him knowing? Only Gabbie knew he was in jail.

I couldn't take the chance that he might be released quickly. Around 4pm I called the immigration line again and reported that he had been arrested and was using a false name. By 5pm they had him booked for an immigration felony and four misdemeanors, two of which were for providing false information to a peace officer. They did not charge him for the DUI.

Because of the long holiday weekend, Charlie didn't get to see a judge until Tuesday morning. He was held with no bail because of the immigration block.

After the initial shock of it all, Gabbie was thrilled. On July 4th, she kept repeating all day, "I'm having the best day in years! He's locked up and can't do anything and I can go anywhere I want!"

Charlie has been in jail since July 2nd. He has an immigration hearing on August 2nd. On that day we will learn whether he will be deported or not. With his long criminal history, I can't see why they'd let him stay. I just wish the CHP officer had charged him with the DUI. I think that would have sealed his fate.

The last three+ weeks have been an adjustment for both Gabbie and I. There's still an element of drama because he calls her from jail once a day, but other than that, Gabbie and I have been spending a lot of time together.

Honestly, it's been weird.

Charlie's influence has been so strong that I don't think either one of us knows what kind of life she wants for herself. Does she want to be a wife and mother and stay home most nights of the week? Or does she want to be the party girl and find any excuse to be out of the house as often as possible?

She's been doing both. I think she is in the process of finding herself.

In the meantime, I am not used to having her around. I spend a lot less time on the Internet. At first, it was almost awkward having her spend night after night with me and the kids. Lately, it's been better. She's been going out two or three nights of the week and that's a balance that suits me. When she is home, she doesn't seem resentful, which she often did before. I think it helps that she now works out of the house.

In April, when Gabbie made her threat to leave me and the kids, I took her seriously. She's a smart woman but she regularly says stupid things that I ignore. Not that time. I knew she meant it.

Now, it's hard for me to imagine that Gabbie would leave. Why would she? Where is she going to go? What would she tell the kids?

The reality that Gabbie is not likely to leave should make me happy. This is what I've wanted all along: for Charlie to disappear and for Gabbie to commit to me and the kids. I'm not unhappy, but I am somewhat restless. Especially because, in the last few months, I've had visions of starting over, of dating men, of finding new friends and eventually finding a partner. Gabbie's crisis could have provided a guilt-free way for me to transition to a new life. But now, I don't see that happening.

I am now facing thoughts of a different future - one without new friends, one without the possibility of falling in love. Honestly, I am disappointed. Just how disappointed I am, I don't know. It will take time to know if I feel mostly fulfilled by whoever my new Gabbie is, or not.

As the complete absence of hot pictures on this blog demonstrates, I am not a super sexual person. I don't need to have sex 5x a week to feel satisfied. But I'm still male; I still want to have regular sex. I've had the longest sexual drought of my life over the past 10 months. The last time I had less sex may have been when I was 15.

Given the fact that I am gay, this could be a bizarre thing to say, but if Gabbie and I are not going to have sex in the future, I don't think I want to be married. What's the point?

I have not pressed Gabbie about sex because I want to be clear where she stands first. She's said her affair with Charlie has long been over, but then he raped in her February, when they both were very drunk, so I haven't known what to think.

With all the upheaval of recent months, there hasn't been a time where I felt we could discuss our future sex life so that I would get a complete and detailed answer.

Now that Charlie has been absent and life has been peaceful, I brought up the subject about 10 days ago. Actually, I did my best to make her as horny as possible so that I could finally get laid. It worked. But future prospects for sex look dim. Afterwards she said, "That was nice. I really liked it....even though I'm just not that interested any more. Getting those warts really was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me."

Gabbie hasn't hit menopause yet. I guess some women get horny then. Others just shut down sexually. I know that one of the biggest problems for straight marriages is that the women just aren't into sex any more.

I've already compromised my desires by spending 24 years with a woman. Now I may have to compromise my desires entirely? I just don't know if I can face that future.

Fortunately, things are still new in the current no-Charlie phase and maybe in time we can find a rhythm that works for both of us.

It's strange but until this drought I equated the need for sex to the need to get off. It's more complicated than that. I could jack off every day for a month and still feel hollow inside. Sex isn't just about getting off, it's about feeding that internal need for an intimate connection with another person. I've always felt that way about sex with men, but I've only just figured it out with Gabbie. I suppose most married men come to understand this difference much earlier than I have.

Not having that intimacy is the reason I find a future without sex so daunting. Taking the edge off when you feel horny is one thing but to spend decades as an isolated soul, sleeping next to someone who hogs the bed and wants the fucking TV on all night...that seems way worse to me than being a gay man 'trapped' in a functional straight marriage.

I guess I've saved a lot to vent about over the past month. I don't expect to have any news until we get the official word that Charlie will be deported on August 2nd. Regardless of what happens between Gabbie and me, I can't wait until that moment when I can be certain I will never see him again.

With no news to post, I'm hoping you all will have some good comments about the larger issues I've raised here. As some of you know, I like being provocative and to stir up shit so I can watch the resulting debate. I hope you all can feed that fire with some strong and opposing opinions.


  1. I like your blog and I am looking forward to reading your past posts. I'm following you.

    Just started my own blog..I'm married too and trying to figure out my life at this point.

    Need followers and advise as I go.


  2. Ive been reading your blog for a few months now and Im coming to the conclusion the only healthy, functional direction for you to take your life in is to be out. Your kids will support you, especially given how they have seen you as the more stable and reliable parent. Your wife, well to be honest if she was my wife, I probably would've paid a hit man or done something to her car. She may have her ups but it seems she is a down person whom rarely takes others feelings into consideration UNLESS they directly affect her. That is just going to bring you down and even tho you have been married for a long time (assuming ~15 years) you should still be sexually active for this relationship to be "healthy". From observations the couples that are the happiest and have the most longevity had remained sexually active throughout (yes even in old age). You've mentioned how you feel like half of your life has been wasted to this "charade". I feel this is only partially true. You did get your healthy, and Im sure beautiful children out of the deal and surprisingly enough alot of gay men aspire for children so finding a mate with a similar outlook on children wont prove to difficult. Beings adoption is the most popular choice for gay parents being able to skip the diapers and terrible twos and fast forward to adolescence would be ideal for me! (lol) Beings yours the responsible, reliable, main caretaker of your children (I think your in CA so this will apply) you will get main custody with her paying you child support.
    Being out and living your life how you see it should be lived to maximize your level of happiness is the only way to live otherwise, yes you are wasting your time. You said youre doing it for your kids, why? You said its because you hope maybe your relationship with your wife will improve, it won't. Maintaining a status quo to protect the happiness of someone else isn't living or even self sacrifice, I would compare it to self destruction. This will lead to issues with depression, possibly even worse, as time progresses and you do get older. There are alot of options for older men out there in our community. I read a post from another man similar to your situation where he said, "If Im 50 and come out what is the point, isnt it all over at that point dating, partying, etc?" Id have to say no. Even tho you may not end up with an ideal adonis type mate you will find someone and if not, well you lived your life honestly in the end and that's the way we enter this world. Naked and Honest.
    I did say Ive been reading your blog for a while and its funny the personality you express as well as the take you have on certain situations, I feel as if I was born to late and never had the oppurtunity to meet you as I feel we do have some perspectives on life in common. I wish you the best in luck and obviously will be keeping an eye on ur blog so do keep us posted. Hope the brit gets deported back to the alcohol saturated country in whence he came! LOL ^_^

  3. @RGN I'm follower #1

    @Aerospace God - Thank you very, very much for reading. I sincerely appreciate the time you have spent thinking about me and my situation. I am extremely grateful that you have taken the time to post your thoughts.

    I have been thinking about your comments and will continue to do so for a few more days. I plan to respond in detail with a post that relates not only to me but to conflicted married men in general. Thank you again for your thoughts and good wishes.

  4. Hey Cameron, I have been trying since yesterday to figure out how to respond to your post. Mainly, I want to encourage you to use your energy to create the kind of life you say you want, instead of wasting it doing such things as devising and executing covert strategems for deporting your nemeses (if Gabbie can't break up with a guy by saying "Later, dude," then the problem is way bigger than just Charlie. But I think you know that...). Keep re-reading what Aerospace said...

  5. Cameron
    I am so glad the Charlie ordeal is over, and you are so clear and candid about the new dilemma you face. You have disagreed with me over this before, but I think you really have two choices to weigh, or become a vegetable by going passive and hoping she eventually bolts. Your distance from her is so palpable, but you also have strong history and children in their formative ages, so I am not saying this is easy to figure out.

    1. Pragmatic Adaptation - pursue meeting a guy and developing a FWB and meet your needs. Bifurcate and don't tell - as Andrew Sullivan has been writing about marriage in America, over 50% of men have affairs nowadays. He (and many a therapist) says perhaps "the lie" that preserves the marriage is better than a truth that destroys it. But that is about being a man that can feel OK with this ---and you were for a 5 year stretch once before.

    2. Clear Articulation - just tell her. Every week I get more e-mails and read more stories of men who either by being discovered on the Internet by their wives or out of their own will, came out. There are tears, pain, strong words, and what begins is a process that you may not be able to predict the outcome. But most marriages do survive this. And those that do not?---virtually all the men say were headed for the rocks for multiple reasons anyway.

    She had sex with Charlie off and on for how many years? And you gave her implicit permission to do this!!! So you are in a way better position to ask permission for an open relationship - you have already had a one-way open one for years.

    But you do have children and while one is headed off from high school I do not knowhow old the youngest is. I knew of a couple that split up when he came out but they were headed that way. The impact on the kids who were 12 and 16 at the time was not as great as many thought - they had seen and felt a pretty tense and joyless marriage for a long time and were relieved in a way. They want us to be real about who we are with them and show them love and respect us for being honest.

    3. Then there is total passive vegetating. Men do come out at 50 and 60 and beyond after all the kids are gone. Sexuality continues forever and I am finding some very attractive and interesting bi men from their late 40's to late 60’s, so if you must wait a few years in consideration of the kids, don't assume you will never find a guy---but you will enjoy a helluva lot more of your being alive once you do. The biggest universal regret you read in hundreds of coming out stories?? Shit, why did I not do this long ago, I had no ideas how empty and unfulfilled my life was.

    Read: "Bisexual Men: Coming Out Every Which Way" for starters and stop believing that if you invent in your own head out of your own past life experience, it is the truth and the only way to be. And boy do you need to go out and have drinks with buddies more often, of any orientation!!! Get your 1 or 2 nights out a week now that she is back, even if it is to go to a cafe or bar alone. Trust me, you will find guys and strike up conversations and meet new guys, this is also important for you. Use Internet sites if you need to and say you want friendship most.

    As for me? I still waiver between options 1. and 2., am on a bi/gay site and have found a few interesting bi men to at least talk to, as it is also important for me (and you) to be out in the world and making a variety of new relationships - even if none immediately are about meeting your sex needs. This may be the pool of guys who also help you figure out the steps you need to take, and support you through any big changes - they will know you as a gay or bi man because you met them with that honest identity. And if you are lucky, through them you will meet a new FWB or whatever your needs are.