The last time I wrote about my current situation was June 15th's Looking Ahead.
Here's an update, some changes are afoot.
This year has been one of the most chaotic in the last 18 years of my marriage. The chaos has not been directly related to the fact that I am gay and married to a woman. My 43 year old wife Gabbie is into her fourth year of a mid-life crisis and her behavior for the first four months of this year has been the worst ever.
After nearly getting arrested for public intoxication in April, Gabbie has spent far, far more time sober in the last three months than she has in years.
Even better, her attitude toward total-loser-but-former-lover Charlie has turned consistently negative. All they did in May and June was fight. After a solid month of hearing nothing but complaints from her, I decided it was time to test the waters, again, to see if she wanted to be rid of Charlie.
"Yes, I want him to go away. I want my life back."
I couldn't have heard sweeter words but I had to be skeptical. Many times before over the past four years she's been down on Charlie and I thought she was through with him, but she wasn't. A week later, I asked again. Same answer. Finally, in the last week of June, I asked again.
She was unequivocal, "I don't want to deal with him any more. Please tell me you have a way to get rid of him."
"I can't promise anything, but I have a plan." Of course she wanted to know the plan but I wouldn't say. I didn't want to take the chance of her letting anything slip to Charlie.
Charlie is English. He's been in the US for at least 17 years, and has two kids here, but he's illegal. He has no green card, no social security number, no driver's license and a lengthy criminal record. He drives a beater truck that can't be registered because it does not pass the California Smog test. He's a high-functioning alcoholic, but he's an alcoholic nonetheless.
My plan was very simple: take pictures of Charlie and his piece of shit truck and anonymously mail them to the local police department, along with a letter explaining what a menace to society he is. In the letter I was going to include a request that the cops wait until a weekend night and catch Charlie driving home drunk from the bar. If they did that he'd be in jail for the DUI and driving without a license. In addition, I think he has a bench warrant out for unpaid fines from his last trip to jail.
Putting him in jail was not going to permanently get rid of him. I had to make certain the cops pulled his immigration record. He's been in jail at least three times in the last few years and even though his legal status was supposed to be checked, it wasn't. Getting him deported is the easiest way to get rid of him.
On Monday, June 28th, I secretly got the pictures of his truck. Gabbie already had pictures of him, so that was easy. On Tuesday, I called an Immigration 800-number to report him. I was surprised by the quality of service I received. Not only did they take me seriously, but they confirmed more information to me than they probably should have.
The next weekend was the 4th of July. There's always a big local parade in town so between that and the usual trouble, the cops are kept busy. I decided to wait until the following week to send the letter and pictures to the police.
It turns out that I didn't need to send anything. At 10am on Friday, July 2nd, Charlie caught the attention of a California Highway Patrol officer when he dangerously swerved to avoid a car on the freeway. He had no license and blew a .085 blood-alcohol limit. The legal limit in California is .08.
Gabbie called to tell me he was in jail at around 1pm. "Is this is the plan? What's going to happen?!"
I still didn't want any chance of her tipping Charlie off so I dodged the question. "It doesn't sound good to me. What else do you know?"
It turns out that he lied to the CHP officer and the booking officer about his identity.
Now I was in a panic. How could I tell them his real name without him knowing? Only Gabbie knew he was in jail.
I couldn't take the chance that he might be released quickly. Around 4pm I called the immigration line again and reported that he had been arrested and was using a false name. By 5pm they had him booked for an immigration felony and four misdemeanors, two of which were for providing false information to a peace officer. They did not charge him for the DUI.
Because of the long holiday weekend, Charlie didn't get to see a judge until Tuesday morning. He was held with no bail because of the immigration block.
After the initial shock of it all, Gabbie was thrilled. On July 4th, she kept repeating all day, "I'm having the best day in years! He's locked up and can't do anything and I can go anywhere I want!"
Charlie has been in jail since July 2nd. He has an immigration hearing on August 2nd. On that day we will learn whether he will be deported or not. With his long criminal history, I can't see why they'd let him stay. I just wish the CHP officer had charged him with the DUI. I think that would have sealed his fate.
The last three+ weeks have been an adjustment for both Gabbie and I. There's still an element of drama because he calls her from jail once a day, but other than that, Gabbie and I have been spending a lot of time together.
Honestly, it's been weird.
Charlie's influence has been so strong that I don't think either one of us knows what kind of life she wants for herself. Does she want to be a wife and mother and stay home most nights of the week? Or does she want to be the party girl and find any excuse to be out of the house as often as possible?
She's been doing both. I think she is in the process of finding herself.
In the meantime, I am not used to having her around. I spend a lot less time on the Internet. At first, it was almost awkward having her spend night after night with me and the kids. Lately, it's been better. She's been going out two or three nights of the week and that's a balance that suits me. When she is home, she doesn't seem resentful, which she often did before. I think it helps that she now works out of the house.
In April, when Gabbie made her threat to leave me and the kids, I took her seriously. She's a smart woman but she regularly says stupid things that I ignore. Not that time. I knew she meant it.
Now, it's hard for me to imagine that Gabbie would leave. Why would she? Where is she going to go? What would she tell the kids?
The reality that Gabbie is not likely to leave should make me happy. This is what I've wanted all along: for Charlie to disappear and for Gabbie to commit to me and the kids. I'm not unhappy, but I am somewhat restless. Especially because, in the last few months, I've had visions of starting over, of dating men, of finding new friends and eventually finding a partner. Gabbie's crisis could have provided a guilt-free way for me to transition to a new life. But now, I don't see that happening.
I am now facing thoughts of a different future - one without new friends, one without the possibility of falling in love. Honestly, I am disappointed. Just how disappointed I am, I don't know. It will take time to know if I feel mostly fulfilled by whoever my new Gabbie is, or not.
As the complete absence of hot pictures on this blog demonstrates, I am not a super sexual person. I don't need to have sex 5x a week to feel satisfied. But I'm still male; I still want to have regular sex. I've had the longest sexual drought of my life over the past 10 months. The last time I had less sex may have been when I was 15.
Given the fact that I am gay, this could be a bizarre thing to say, but if Gabbie and I are not going to have sex in the future, I don't think I want to be married. What's the point?
I have not pressed Gabbie about sex because I want to be clear where she stands first. She's said her affair with Charlie has long been over, but then he raped in her February, when they both were very drunk, so I haven't known what to think.
With all the upheaval of recent months, there hasn't been a time where I felt we could discuss our future sex life so that I would get a complete and detailed answer.
Now that Charlie has been absent and life has been peaceful, I brought up the subject about 10 days ago. Actually, I did my best to make her as horny as possible so that I could finally get laid. It worked. But future prospects for sex look dim. Afterwards she said, "That was nice. I really liked it....even though I'm just not that interested any more. Getting those warts really was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me."
Gabbie hasn't hit menopause yet. I guess some women get horny then. Others just shut down sexually. I know that one of the biggest problems for straight marriages is that the women just aren't into sex any more.
I've already compromised my desires by spending 24 years with a woman. Now I may have to compromise my desires entirely? I just don't know if I can face that future.
Fortunately, things are still new in the current no-Charlie phase and maybe in time we can find a rhythm that works for both of us.
It's strange but until this drought I equated the need for sex to the need to get off. It's more complicated than that. I could jack off every day for a month and still feel hollow inside. Sex isn't just about getting off, it's about feeding that internal need for an intimate connection with another person. I've always felt that way about sex with men, but I've only just figured it out with Gabbie. I suppose most married men come to understand this difference much earlier than I have.
Not having that intimacy is the reason I find a future without sex so daunting. Taking the edge off when you feel horny is one thing but to spend decades as an isolated soul, sleeping next to someone who hogs the bed and wants the fucking TV on all night...that seems way worse to me than being a gay man 'trapped' in a functional straight marriage.
I guess I've saved a lot to vent about over the past month. I don't expect to have any news until we get the official word that Charlie will be deported on August 2nd. Regardless of what happens between Gabbie and me, I can't wait until that moment when I can be certain I will never see him again.
With no news to post, I'm hoping you all will have some good comments about the larger issues I've raised here. As some of you know, I like being provocative and to stir up shit so I can watch the resulting debate. I hope you all can feed that fire with some strong and opposing opinions.