Sunday, July 18, 2010

Pay your dues to the Bi Married Mafia

Rob of The Bi Married Mafia is conducting a survey of gay and bisexual married men. You can take the survey here.

I'm not sure if Rob is working on a second doctoral thesis or not, but he's a good guy so I'm happy to support his research efforts.

I don't know why, but I have decided to share my answers to the survey's 30 questions below.

1. Your Marital Status: Married

2. Where do you live? North America (The United States)
[The San Francisco Bay Area]

3. Age Group: 41-49 [43]

4. If you are (or were) married/common law, how many years have you been (or were) with your female partner? 21-30 Years
[Technically we're 3 months past 20 years of marriage, but we've been a couple for 24 years.]

5. What do you consider your orientation at this time? Homosexual
[but committed to an imperfect woman.]

6. Same Sex activities BEFORE your Female Partner: Sexually Active:(same sex contact, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation etc.)
[No successful anal until after marriage; when I finally did it, I could barely walk for two days.]

7. Same Sex Activities WHILE WITH your FEMALE Partner: Sexually Active:(same sex contact, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation etc.)
[But nothing for the past seven I get any gold stars for that??]

8. At what age did you sense that your same sex orientation started to really surface? Teen Years
[12, to be exact.]

9. Which best describes the home you grew up in? Liberal and Non Religious
[Regardless, it was not homo-friendly.]

10. Which best describes the home of You and your FEMALE partner? Liberal and Non Religious

11. If you are partnered with a FEMALE at this time does she have know of your orientation? She knows as I have told her
[but we never talk about it because it makes her very insecure.]

12. Have you stepped outside of your marriage and had sex with another male? Yes same sex masturbation, oral sex, anal sex etc.
[But I've been good for seven years!!]

13. How many different men have you had sex with in the past 3 years? (mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex etc.) None

14. Did you tell the REAL TRUTH on the previous question?

15. When you actually see the number of different men that you have had sexual relations with in the past 3 years, how does it make you feel? FINE "Nothing to report here"

16. How many hours a week do you spend on the Internet looking for sex, viewing male pornography, or gay chatting?
1-3 hours per week
[I'm not a big porn guy, but sometimes it's fun to be inspired.]

17. While in relationship with your FEMALE PARTNER have you ever had ACTUAL SEX (masturbation, oral, anal) with another male anonymously (ie. you did not know them, you may not know their real name, or realizing you may never see them again)? Yes
[Thankfully, you never ask how many times...]

18. While in relationship with your FEMALE PARTNER have you ever gone to a Gay Bathhouse? No
[Strangely, I've never really been curious to go.]

19. While in relationship with your FEMALE PARTNER have you ever gone to a "cruising" Place (ie. a Park, washroom, alley etc, where homosexual men "cruise" for sex)? Yes
[Not for many years. This is embarrassing, but one of the places I have cruised is the main restroom at the Minneapolis airport. I did not see Senator Larry Craig at the time.]

20. Have you ever participated in "unsafe sex?" I HAVE PARTICIPATED in unsafe sex

21. Have you ever gone to a doctor or clinic to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)? I go whenever I have concerns
[I think I've been tested three times. Twice I wasn't worried. Once I was.]

22. Do you worry about STDs?
No I am not sexually active outside my relationship with my FEMALE PARTNER
[One of the 'benefits' of being celibate - I don't have to worry about STDs!]

23. Are you sexually active with your wife/female partner at this time? Barely (minimal sexual activity in the past year)
[Since you asked...I got lucky last night for the first time in nearly 10 months. There was no penetration but, believe me, after that long wait, I'm not going to complain.]

24. Are you at peace with your orientation at this time?
[since age 15. I think the fact that I'm gay makes me a much more interesting person. I enjoy my complex sexual identity so much that I would never want to change, even if I could.]

25. Does a Wife (or Female Partner) have "a right" to know that her Husband (or male partner) is gay or bi? I do not know the answer to that question
[I condemn all physical, psychological and emotional harm that one person does to another. Beyond that, I believe that people should be free to make their own choices - and to live with the consequences.]

26. If your wife (or female partner) was to find out about your orientation you conclude that she: would NOT want to know
[She's certain I'm going to leave her for a man some day. I don't meet men so I don't see that happening - unless she no longer wants to be with me.]

27. If you could go back in time and redo your life you would: do exactly as you have done
[This was an extremely difficult question to answer. In all honesty, I would not want to marry. I'm gay - duh. However, I do love my pain-in-the-ass wife, and, most importantly of all, I love my kids. The kids came from our marriage. How could I possibly consider undoing them?]

28. The perfect solution for you would be:
[If only my welfare counted, I would prefer to be partnered with a man.]

29. Do you struggle with depression over your orientation issues?
No Never
[But I did from 12 - 15.]

30. Have you ever considered suicide because of your orientation issues? I have but would never do such a thing
[I had a plan, but I couldn't follow through.]

What a fucking depressing way to end the survey Rob!

Here's my own question, number 31:

If you could live your life twice, once as an ordinary straight man and another time as an out gay man, would you want to do so? YES!
[I can't think of any other solution that would make me feel that I lived a true and complete me.]


  1. Thanks for the link, and also for telling us your own answers. Your sense of comfort with who you think you are and some telltale wit came through nicely. I agree some of the questions are not so readily answered with the choices given, but like the service he is providing us and the way he has his blog set up with taps for topics.

    So you ask about two lives - well isn't that the title of your own blog? And the implication is you are already leading two simultaneously - but one is more stunted by choice and circumstances, so sure, having two real ones would be incredible. Have done enough reading of studies and stories of men to know the trajectory is as you imply...married and parenting first life, male partnership second one, right? And it seems you intend to try this yourself, doing that serially right? The issue is, while you stay in life one, will the fates ever give you life two? And is it a passive wait for fate, or an active acceleration of events, maybe an overlap, that will get you your second life? You know I like provoking you, and send this poke with a wink and smile too. So lots of us have two lives to figure out how to integrate, don't we?

  2. I actually want the impossible. Not two different lives serially, but rather two completely different lives where one doesn't have anything to do with the other.

    You'd think that serially would be better (and actually attainable) but what I don't like about that are the inherent compromises, strings and guilt.

    The only regret my unconventional sexuality gives me is that I can't live one life simply and clearly. With two entirely separate lives I could do that. Straight guy with the wife and kids; gay guy with the partner (and kids???).

    Whatever, it's a fantasy idea so it doesn't matter, except to make the point that I don't want to change who I am, I want to be greedy and have two entire lives to fully embrace and live as each of my two selves.

    One life of compromises kinda sucks, but that's the reality, isn't it?

  3. I am not actually here to write a comment on the above but recently labeled a "straight wife" went searching for answers and stumbled upon your blog. I begin reading to see if I could understand why my husband did what he did to me and now I am asking if I tell you my story can you shed some light to make me understand. I am 45 years old and been married for 25 years to the same man, we have two beautiful daughters. I have been faithful to him in every way. My husband is 46, a tradesman who worked away for much of our relationship. Just over a year ago he came home on his turn around, we were having a wonderful day and all of the sudden he said "I'm leaving, there is nothing to talk about and I am not coming back". He packed his car and left. One month later came back wanting to come home. He had been drinking excessively for the last 3 years and I thought that was the problem for his sudden mood changes. I would not let him come back but told him I was not giving up on our marriage. 10 months after our separation (we were on speaking terms some up and downs but getting along well) he was at our home, I had moved out with our 16 year old daughter, I couldn't financially afford to live there and he was giving me no support I showed up unannounced which was not unusual but this time he had a man there. I come to find out that he has been living (not just dating, has a home) with this man for the past 4 years, we were only separated for not even a year. He admitted to me that day that he was having a relationship with this man but when I went back the next day he denied everything saying he was just someone to communicate with. He continues to put the blame on me and I can't understand why. So I thought maybe you or another gay husband could fill me in on how he justify what he has done. Was he gay from day one, is every memory and moment of my past just a lie? Was I just a cover so no one would know? Was my life, my happiness not important? Did it repulse him to be with me?