Be sure to read the comments. They're the best part.
I had a boyfriend when I was 17. He cheated on me.
I had a friend with benefits for five years, from ages 32 to 37. Our sexual relationship ended when he cheated on me.
Men cheat all the time, often, just because they can't help themselves.
Women are no saints. But I think their motivation to cheat is much different than it is for men. Men are mostly motivated to put their dicks into someone new. Women want a partner who pays attention to them. If you ignore a woman for too long, she'll eventually want to cheat. But if you consistently pay attention to her and at least try to meet her needs, she'll stay loyal to you for life.
Cheating happens in straight culture. But it is frowned upon and discouraged. A man risks losing even his best male friends if he cheats on his wife.
Cheating in the gay world is not especially taboo. Monogamy is mostly a quaint, straight concept. Hook-ups are just so much more fun. Fun to do, fun to talk about, fun to fantasize about. For a huge percentage of the gay population, cheating is the norm; it's a way of life.
I'm a fan of fidelity. I like the whole "partners for life" idea. I made a sincere commitment to my marriage 18 years ago and if, some day in the future, I find myself single again, I will want to find a man to partner with, for life.
Recently, I had the opportunity to talk to a bisexual, married blogger about his relationships with men. His experience is a fresh reminder that when a formerly married 40-something enters the gay world, he could be in for a lot of heartache.
Rob of The BiMarried Mafia says he's bisexual or gay but he doesn't want to date guys anymore. Why? They cheat.
Rob is a fascinating guy and his story is compelling because his heartbreak is so raw. He explains how he and his wife love each other very much and how she has supported him as he seeks to find fulfillment with a man. Yes, he's happily married, planning to stay that way, he's out to his wife, and she WANTS him to have a male lover.
What Rob is looking for first is a friendship with a good man - a sincere, honest caring man. Sex will naturally follow, but in time. He wants his man to be an open part of his life, a friend to his wife and his children.
Miraculously, Rob has found two such men in the past five years. He enjoyed deep, emotionally satisfying relationships with these men. Eventually, but not immediately, sex became part of the friendships. With both relationships, Rob worked hard to be open and honest with the men and his wife. Every thing worked. Yet, in both cases, he found out months after the fact that the men were cheating on him. "Is it me?" he asked. "I thought I did everything the right way. What did I do to deserve to have my heart broken this way?"
After the first relationship fell apart, you can be certain Rob was more cautious the second time around. Yet it happened again. For reasons Rob doesn't understand, the second guy won't even speak to him. "He cheated on me, lied to me over and over...and now he won't speak to me?"
I don't know why these guys cheated. I don't know why they took the heart of an open, honest man and stomped on it for no good reason. I've read many complaints from gay men who say they'd like to date a man who is emotionally available. I know a man who WAS emotionally available. Now, after being open yet cautious, Rob feels burned. "Both of these guys had issues before I met them. I knew that. And now that I've been burned, I have issues."
When I was cheated on 17, I was hurt and disappointed, but I was never in love so I didn't feel burned.
When Marc, my friend with benefits cheated on me, I was very disappointed. But I always knew love between us was off-limits.
So, although I have been cheated on, I have not been jaded by personal experience.
After talking to Rob, I really have to wonder if expecting an honest, loving, monogamous relationship with a gay man over the age of 40 is expecting too much.
When it comes to love, I'll avoid a lot of heartache and disappointment, if I forget men and stay married to my wife. Right?
Be sure to check out Rob's blog. One of his recent posts is hilarious as he details a recent night out, his first ever, in the Gay Village of Toronto.