Be sure to read the comments. They're the best part.
John advises closeted men: "Stay married, enjoy the joys of family, kids, career, wealth and retirement planning, sex with an interesting and different and oh so yummy gender, AND have a legitimate masculine male friend who also wants it all.
"...I am not conflicted here, I think we CAN have it all. We should have it all."
Jim of Conflicting Clarity has a HUGE problem with that - it's not fair to the wife. He says, "It does not matter if YOU think you can have it all. My guess is YOUR WIFE thinks you have an exclusive relationship. If you comfort yourself by saying you are only cheating with men and not other women, and that makes it ok, you are fooling yourself."
I have lived the experience of feeling closer emotionally and sexually to my wife because I was having an affair with a man. Having at last found a way to address the aching need for male intimacy, I felt whole and happy instead of resentful and grumpy.
Perhaps, as Jim says, I was only fooling myself when I believed the affair made me a better husband.
Here's my question: if my wife honestly believes that I'm a terrific husband, doesn't that make me so? Isn't she the only person entitled to judge?
And if I have a 40 year love affair with a man, that she never finds out about, and the affair makes me a happy, fulfilled person instead of an unhappy pessimist, should I regret the affair? Haven't I actually been the better person by sharing joy with her instead of anguish?
If I don't believe that there is a superior being out there judging me, and if my wife regularly affirms that I am a good husband and father, why shouldn't I be able to have it all: wife, kids and a man on the side?
I look forward to your comments.