Thursday, July 1, 2010

Why come out of the closet if you can have it all?

Be sure to read the comments. They're the best part.


John advises closeted men: "Stay married, enjoy the joys of family, kids, career, wealth and retirement planning, sex with an interesting and different and oh so yummy gender, AND have a legitimate masculine male friend who also wants it all.

"...I am not conflicted here, I think we CAN have it all. We should have it all."

Jim of Conflicting Clarity has a HUGE problem with that - it's not fair to the wife. He says, "It does not matter if YOU think you can have it all. My guess is YOUR WIFE thinks you have an exclusive relationship. If you comfort yourself by saying you are only cheating with men and not other women, and that makes it ok, you are fooling yourself."

I have lived the experience of feeling closer emotionally and sexually to my wife because I was having an affair with a man. Having at last found a way to address the aching need for male intimacy, I felt whole and happy instead of resentful and grumpy.

Perhaps, as Jim says, I was only fooling myself when I believed the affair made me a better husband.

Here's my question: if my wife honestly believes that I'm a terrific husband, doesn't that make me so? Isn't she the only person entitled to judge?

And if I have a 40 year love affair with a man, that she never finds out about, and the affair makes me a happy, fulfilled person instead of an unhappy pessimist, should I regret the affair? Haven't I actually been the better person by sharing joy with her instead of anguish?

If I don't believe that there is a superior being out there judging me, and if my wife regularly affirms that I am a good husband and father, why shouldn't I be able to have it all: wife, kids and a man on the side?

I look forward to your comments.


  1. You have hit the nexus of the problem, which is about what we consider "moral", what gives us feelings of "guilt", and how we make compromises in relationships as we do in all aspects of our lives that when taken as a whole, we hope will make us feel we are both "good" and "true" to ourselves and others. There is no set "right" or "wrong" here around sexuality and love, it is all situational in my opinion. What hurts one person my not hurt another, or one hurt might remove a bigger hurt of another kind. So no one can give Cameron and Gabbie the roadmap to import for their own use.

    My post for the upcoming weekend which I wrote before seeing yours, attempts to list the ten questions we need to answer to move from wherever we are in current disatisfaction with our status quo, forward to full self acceptance and self actualization as they used to say. All is relative, all codes of conduct and our feelings about them are culturally based and influenced by the practices of people we respect (or do not respect). Most higher beings we look toward in modern times, freed from the distorted and literal interpretations of certain sects, are all about forgiveness. We get and give ourselves forgiveness when we break a rule (sin) if our intentions were good, or if our realization that we have wronged others leads us to mend our ways and seek forgiveness. It comes from the heart really, although it has to be in synch with the head.

    So you are you're own god and devil in this all.

  2. The answer to your question is in your question. You said if she "honestly believes" are great husband, who is it for anyone else to judge. You are absolutely right. The key word is "honestly".

    How can she judge if you are terrific husband if she does not have all the information? Do you think her opinion of you will change if she were to find out about your deception?

    I can only speak for myself and my relationships, but K is pretty hung up on trust and honesty. I had sexual encounters with several men over time, but K knew about each one of them, in advance.

    I admit that it is unusual. K allowed me to explore my sexuality as long as I was open and honest with her.

    I think that people should be able to have any types of relationships that they want, so long as everyone involved knows what they are getting into. If you promised your wife that you would be involved with only her, then that is is that is what you need to do. If she later agrees to change the arrangement and allow you to see men, then that is perfectly fine.

    You are right that only your wife can judge you. She can only do that, if she has all the facts.

    I wish you luck.

  3. I too think that only your wife has the right to judge you as a "husband" legally and ummm, forgive the word... morally...

    My twist is, how do you feel? If you are comfortable (as I was for almost 20 years) and she thinks you are the cat's meow, don't change a damned thing.

    While my wife thought I was "all that, and more" I personally wasn't happy with my deception to her and my children...

    Honestly, I think that comes with time and age/wisdom...


  4. Bernie Madoff's client's thought he was a great investment advisor - until they got the full story on what he was doing with their money. So did that make Bernie a great investment advisor when they were in the dark? No....that made Bernie Madoff a liar and a crook from beginning to end. His clients not knowing the full story doesn't change the truth.

    Wouldn't you agree?

  5. From
    the position of a straight wife I can say that to be whole, happy and
    to battle succesfully my frustrations of all what I lack in my marriage,
    I need love and attention of a straight man. So... would it be OK if I
    had a deep loving relationship with a straight man behind my husband´s
    back, if this relationship would make me to be better wife? Since my
    husband is geting crazy any time a man just talks to me, I´m sure he
    would not agree with this view... as far as it regards the straight