Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Charming Charlie

My wife has been involved with an asshole Englishman, Charlie, for the last four years. They were having sex for a while, but after he cheated on her and gave her genital warts, she stopped having sex with him. Now she says she's not interested in sex with anyone, including me.

Charlie is a drunk, a druggie, a liar, a rapist and a criminal but he's got one skill that has kept him afloat for 50 years: his charm.

Gabbie has had a love-hate relationship with him which means she simultaneously can't stay away from him but every time they spend more than two hours together (which is often) they get into a fight. There's been a whole lot of drama this year, the relevant details of which I have explained in four consecutive posts beginning with May I Have an Affair Now Please.

I have been waiting for Gabbie to smarten up and realize that Charlie is a disaster that must avoided at all costs.

Finally, at the end of June, Gabbie convinced me that she was through with him. I immediately made a plan to get him arrested, and then deported, because he is in the US illegally.

It turned out that Charlie didn't need any help from me; he got himself arrested on July 2nd. My plan was to get him picked up for a DUI, and although he blew an .085 at 10am and the legal limit in California is .08, he was not charged with a DUI. Instead he was charged with four misdemeanors and one immigration felony. I believe my phone calls to ICE led to the felony charge.

Charlie has been in prison for a month and yesterday he had his final hearing regarding his illegal status in the US. Both Gabbie and I have been expecting that Charlie would be immediately deported after the hearing - never to be seen again.

So...here's what happened: Charlie was released from prison and there was no hearing. Charlie is now free to take the necessary steps to be in the US legally - a process that is easy and expedited for UK citizens.

Gabbie went to see him at the local bar last night. This morning, he was knocking on our door at 7:30am.

I fucking hate Charlie more than ever.

Gabbie is no happier than I am that Charlie has been released. Quite frankly, we are both in complete shock. The guy has done nothing right. He doesn't even have a driver's license and certainly hasn't paid a nickel in taxes. He has no money and a long criminal record and yet...he's just the kind of illegal alien we want to keep in this country?? WTF!

I am still in such a state of disbelief that I can't think about what comes next.

Quite honestly, both of us are eager to remain on his good side. In England he served time for manslaughter. And just two weeks ago, while in the county jail, he threw a single punch at a guy that shattered his jaw. Fourteen days later that guy is STILL in intensive care at the hospital.

I am more determined than ever to get Charlie deported, as soon as possible.

Now I just need to figure out how to do it.


  1. Wow. Didn't see that coming.

    Ship him off to Arizona - we hate immigrants here. Oh wait - he's white.

  2. Hahaha NewLeaf!!!

    That is one f**ked up story! I am glad I keep you on my blogroll, my life is far less dramatic...

    Love ya


  3. Given your history with Charlie, you need to take out a restraining order to keep him away from your house, your wife and kids, and yourself. You don't need Gabbie's permission to do this. My guess, because of his co-dependency on Gabbie, is that he will violate the restraining order and you will have him in prison once again. Bring the immigration officials in as soon as he breaks the restraining order. That is the only way that I can think of for you to get him out of your life and deported. I would even suggest that you get some cheap infrared video cameras to record the environs around your house. That could also provide valuable documentation.

  4. NL - Can we call him a light-skinned hispanic? Actually...if he's illegal, he's illegal. Now...how to get him to Arizona.

    Tom - I think I prefer your low-drama life!

    Uncutplus - A restraining order is likely in Charlie's future. The thing is, I want him nailed for a felony or a DUI. The next time he goes to jail, I want to be certain he is gone for good.