Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Good Sex, Bad Sex / Sex with Women, Sex with Men

What is good sex?

It seems to me that every individual has to decide for themselves what good sex is. How do we do that? Mostly, we compare our own sexual experiences - last night was better than last week, but the best time ever was in the elevator at work. The term 'good' sex, therefore, is very subjective because it mostly hinges on our individual sexual experiences.

The power of our own perceptions of what good sex is is huge and it can change over time. Think about this: the first time we have sex, we probably all thought it was good. What else could we think? We had an orgasm, it was something new, we have no other sexual experiences with which to compare it. Over time, our opinion - our memory even - of our first time almost certainly changes. Why? Because the second time gets compared to the first time and one was better than the other. If the second time was better, the first experience gets down-graded. And vice versa.

Ultimately, an awareness of what truly is good sex takes time and experience to develop.

Something else to ponder. Sexual experience can be measured in two ways: how much sex you have and how many people you've had sex with. Although there's usually a correlation, the difference between the two is extremely important.

For example, think of a traditional Mormon couple. When they marry, both are virgins - but not for much longer. They have so much pent up sexual frustration that when they finally have the freedom to fornicate, they fuck like bunnies, doing it as often as they can. A really horny Mormon couple might fuck 25 times or more in a month. That makes for 300 times a year and 1,500 times in five years.

(Of course by that time the couple might want to undergo some fertility testing. Why, after all that unprotected fucking, isn't she pregnant??)

Now think of the high school slut who fucks a different guy at every party she goes to. At the best parties she fucks two or even three guys. But when there are no parties, she doesn't often get laid. Why? She's a slut! Most guys want to fuck her once or twice but after that they're done with her. Still, the slutty girl manages to get fucked an average of four times a weekend. That's 208 times a year and 1,040 times in 5 years.

Who has more sexual experience, the horny Mormons or the trashy slut? The Mormons have fucked nearly 50% more often than the slut, but, the slut has been banged by nearly 500 different men.

(Wow, she really IS a slut.)

Isn't it safe to say that the slut has nearly 500x more experience than the Mormons because the Mormons have vanilla sex? They have their routine, they fuck mostly the same way, but they just happen to do it a lot. The slutty girl, however, has been fucked so many different ways she KNOWS a good fuck when she has one. The Mormons don't have much of a clue - all they can do is compare each of their boring fucks to all of their other boring fucks.

The upshot: when it comes to knowing what good sex is, the number of partners one's had matters far more than years of sexual experience, or, the frequency of sex.

Another question: when does good or bad sex make or break a relationship?

Suppose two people like each other well enough...there's no magical spark, but for whatever reason they end up in bed together and the sex is phenomenal. Does great sex create a spark that was not there? If so, is it a temporary thing, or, does more great sex inevitably deepen the bond?

I don't remember ever hearing about a long-term relationship that blossomed purely because of sex. So I'm guessing that it is a rare occurrence. But I do know at least one woman who will not date a guy unless the sex is good. She's a lot like Samantha in "Sex in the City" - a woman who genuinely likes sex for the sake of sex.

Millions of men love sex for the sake of sex. In fact, recreational sex is the foundation of gay pop culture. Take that away and what's left to talk (or think) about? Yet, for as important as sex is for men, and for gay men in particular, can good sex alone make for a successful long-term relationship?

Mostly, the answer would seem to be no.

Gay men have a lot more sex than they have successful long-term relationships, so, either most gay men have bad sex OR the sex is good but ultimately it's not as important as other things. I assume it's the latter.

If great sex generally does not make a relationship, can bad sex kill an otherwise good one?

Anecdotally, the answer seems to be mixed. When two people who don't know each other well have bad sex their romantic relationship tends to end very quickly. At best, they become platonic friends. So the gray area is when two people are already in a relationship and the sex turns bad, or ends. In that circumstance, almost anything can happen - including mutual acceptance of celibacy to mutual cheating to the termination of the relationship.

Slight change of topic.

There's a life-experience pattern that is common among bisexual married men. They fuck women, they get married, they fuck their wife, their male fantasies begin to flourish, they cheat, and over time, they fuck a lot of men. Younger bisexuals are fucking men at earlier ages, but even for them, one fact remains: although they may most often fuck a woman, they ultimately have far more male sex partners than female.

In some ways I think this phenomenon could be a legitimate reason why a guy might self-identify as straight at 18, bisexual at 28 and gay at 38. When they were straight they'd only had sex with women and therefore they had no idea what good sex, for them, was. As they gained more experience with men, and they compared it to sex with women, they eventually realized that dick is consistently WAY better than pussy. Then, as they have more 'good' sex with men, they decide to opt out of pussy altogether.

I good is the sex for women who are married to bisexual men, particularly those whose husbands eventually decide they are gay?

Society condemns promiscuity in women. Many women marry with very little sexual experience beyond the man with whom they have partnered. In a marriage where the man's sexual interest moves away from women toward men, surely the quality of the sex must decline, surely she must notice, and surely, both partners eventually become aware that the marriage is in trouble.

How about in marriages where the man stays bisexual? It would seem logical that the sex would either remain good...or good enough. These marriages, I'd wager, are pretty stable.

Here's a scenario near and dear to my heart. What about a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman? How good is the sex for both partners? Probably not very! The key fact to remember, however, is that the number of sexual partners one's had has the biggest influence on determining what 'good' sex is. When a woman has only had one sexual partner and he's a gay man, does she truly know what good sex is?

As you can see, I've been thinking about sex a lot recently. Far more than usual.

I have always thought of sex with my wife as a by-product of my love for her. That - and sometimes I just want to get off. But a recent confession by my wife Gabbie has made me wonder: when two healthy people in a long-term relationship have a shitty sex life, what does that say about the quality of their relationship?

I think one can make excuses and try to sugar coat the truth, but in all honesty, can a shitty sex life EVER be the product of a happy relationship between two healthy people?

Also, it seems to me that once a relationship endures for years, bad sex (or no sex) does not suddenly happen. And bad sex itself does not turn the relationship sour. Rather, the relationship changes, sours, whatever...and the sex follows. If good sex is a by-product of love, then bad sex is the by-product of...what?

I'm sure there are plenty of situations where couples decide to stay in poor or weak relationships, for a variety of reasons. Unlike in a new relationship, bad sex is not necessarily a relationship killer. But if it's happening in your relationship, and you know the problem is not with you, a weak sex life is probably a sign that your partner is unhappy. In fact, I suspect that in many cases the first signs of serious relationship problems appear in the bedroom.

It's therefore ironic that sexual problems can be easily dismissed - it's stress, we're in a rut, we're getting older, etc. These excuses and others make it way too easy be in denial about other problems that exist between partners.

Sometimes it's not you who is in denial. Sometimes, it's your partner. Or, your partner is not in denial but, for a variety of reasons, they opt to lie to you.

The most deceptive lies are when your partner tells you it's their issue. Why wouldn't you believe them? And best of all - the problems in the bedroom are your partner's fault, not yours.

What has prompted me to think more about sex recently is not the fact that my sex life sucks. That's nothing new. What is new is that I have very recently learned that my assumption that I am blameless could be completely wrong.

For the last several years my wife Gabbie has been telling me that she's not interested in sex with anyone. I believed her; I attributed her lack of a sex drive to the fact that she has some sexual hang ups. But this past weekend I got a more cryptic explanation - she says I don't smell sexy to her.

She clarified the statement by saying that I don't smell bad. It's like I'm missing a sexy allure.

I don't smell sexy to her...what does that mean??

A little while later, while we were having sex for the second time in two months, came the other bombshell. She said, "I can't cum. I already came today."


"That little purple thing [a vibrator]...and an episode of Hung...first time in 43 years."

Once the sex was over, I couldn't enjoy the after-glow. All I could think was I don't smell sexy...she's hornier than...ever??

Still stunned, the question that came next hit me the hardest: Oh fuck - what if Jim is right?

You see, Jim has been insisting that gay men can't maintain successful marriages with straight women because, well, they can't love them the same way a straight man can.

Having been in that situation and not been unhappy myself, nor having heard direct complaints from my wife (who had only had sex with me until age 41), I have disagreed with him.

I am not ready to concede the point yet, but for the first time in many, many years, I am wondering if he might be right.

Truthfully, I'd love for him to be wrong. If anyone out there can honestly say that a gay man/straight woman marriage can work sexually for the woman just as well as a straight one, for the long-term, I'd love to know. Or, if you want to agree with Jim, I'd (reluctantly) like to hear your comments too.

I'd also be glad to hear other comments that relate to the several ideas I have written about above. Please, knock yourselves out.


  1. I'm sorry TwoLives..I might have to agree with Jim.

    Do you have that uncontrollable lust or need for sex with your wife as you do for men? Emotionally and even subconsciously there has to be a difference..even if you are not aware of it. I would think the other person would sense the lack of passion.

    Now myself I am sexually attracted to both men and women..and for me I've had awesome sex with both. It would be hard for me to decide which to knock out of my life completely if I had to choose.

    Which would you choose?

    Fun topic.

  2. Hey Cam,

    First off – I loved the mormon/slut analogy. LOL.

    So how can anyone really answer if sex with a married couple where the man is gay is better / equal to / worse than a totally heterosexual couple? I can see the argument that maybe the gay man really isn’t into the women the same way that a straight man might be. But sex is such a personal thing. And a lot of it is in the mind of the parties having sex. For example – I’ve had awesome sex with someone – only to have average sex the following week. Sometimes one of you just isn’t feeling it. But if a wife is attracted to her husband (gay or straight), is in love with him, and the mechanics are good – it’s probably good. And let’s be real – a lot of gay men (or bi – or whatever label people want to use) have enjoyed having sex with women. If you’re attracted to someone – I think you can perform at a high level. If you’re not attracted – then it’s difficult to pretend. At least for men.

    But the fact that most guys can say “I’ve never had any complaints” doesn’t mean they’re any good in bed. I doubt that most partners are that brutally honest when things were “just okay”.

    So do we have to have great (or at least good) sex to develop and sustain a relationship? I think so. I think it’s a minimum requirement for most people. But obviously it’s not the only requirement, I can think of several guys that blew my mind – but I didn’t do anything to start a relationship with them. You need to have that spark with someone – and that includes a physical attraction, as well as chemistry on a personal and sexual level.

    As far as the scent thing – sounds like some clarification is needed. What kind of scent? She doesn’t like your deodorant? Your conditioner? Or she doesn’t like your smell? Like pheromones? You can’t change that. And the bigger question is – has it always been this way? Or has her taste changed? Or your scent?

    I have to admit – you are a brave man. I’m not sure I would be blogging about my scent. But then again – you’ve gone to uncharted territory before with this blog. So it’s no surprise.


  3. @Christian Uncontrollable lust? No. Uncontrollable need for sex? Yes.

    Bah! One vote for Jim...

    @NL I'm trying to generalize - sex over the course of a relationship, not one week to the next.

    She couldn't explain what she meant by smell. I specifically asked about body odors and chemical odors, that's not what she means. I take her to mean pheromones. I will be asking for more clarification as soon as the right moment happens.

    I don't mind embarrassing myself, so much, particularly if it causes someone to comment with fresh insight.

  4. I think she is clearly comparing you with Charlie. Now that she has tasted sex with a straight man, she can tell what is lacking when having it with you.

    It´s normal. You´re gay after all.