Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Option One: Don't Act on Your Same Sex Attractions

If you accept yourself as bisexual (or gay) and you're committed to a woman, how do you handle your attraction to men and the commitment to your woman?

Believe it or not, you only have four choices.

I will be writing about each of these choices in the next few posts.

Curiously, I have had years of personal experience with three of the four options and I am currently contemplating acting on the fourth.

I begin with: Option One - Not Acting on Your Same Sex Attraction.

The most obvious way to handle your same sex attractions is keep them as your private fantasies and to not act upon them in real life.

This is probably the first option most married men consider. After all, vows are vows and cheating is cheating. Every married man should stay loyal to his spouse, no matter what.


If you think about it, there are thousands of Catholic priests, Buddhist monks and others who never have sex with anyone. Surely you can be happy with a lifetime of unlimited sex with one person?

That's easier said than done...

Even the most traditional, monogamous bisexual man is going to have a problem staying loyal. Desiring a man is not like desiring a woman, therefore it is SO easy to tell yourself that any kind of fooling around with another guy isn't 'really' cheating. Two buddies trading blow jobs doesn't count as real sex, does it?

Actually, it does.

This is why it is essential to understand that staying loyal is a serious option that requires serious dedication.

SO many guys try this option and fail. The key to doing it successfully, I think, is to be at peace with your decision to forgo men. If you're constantly wishing you could have sex with guys then it's only a matter of time before you give in. You wear yourself down.

Twenty-three year old bi-married blogger Bobby Derrekson of bi.the.way. is a good example of this phenomenon. The guy is going ape shit right now; he's on a emotional roller coaster.

Bobby needs to realize that if he is going to stay permanently faithful to his wife, he needs to stop wishing he could have sex with men. The same is true for you. It's very much like the decision to accept your same sex desires. Accept the desires and the emotional angst ends. If you (or Bobby) can honestly accept the fact that sex with men is NOT going to happen, even when you're given the opportunity, THEN you'll know that you can commit to your woman.

Most guys fail at being committed because they go about it the wrong way. Instead of taking man-sex off the table as an option they try to motivate themselves by focusing on their commitment to their wife. Logical enough. The problem, however, is that it's more difficult to be good than it is not to be bad.

Think about that for a few minutes.

There's a gray area between being good and not being bad. For those who want to be good, they attempt to give up all sexual thoughts of men. No fantasies, no flirting and certainly no gay porn. My opinion is that this cold-turkey approach is too much denial of your natural feelings. As such, many guys become unhappy and this affects their marriage. As their married sex life diminishes, thoughts about sex with men increase. It's a vicious cycle.

Undoubtedly there will be guys who would disagree and say that watching no gay porn is easier than watching some gay porn. It's a personal preference and you have to do what works for you. My opinion is that living in denial requires a lot of emotional energy, which over time, is quite taxing. You're like a dam holding back billions of pounds of water. Then one day you crack and CRASH! - a big crisis hits. I prefer the lazy, relaxing approach: get horny, jack off. Repeat as often as necessary.

As I mentioned, I've had personal experience with this option. In fact, it's my current status; I have not had any kind of sex with a man in more than seven years. And I label myself a homo.

Honestly, it hasn't been that difficult. I don't know how much of a factor it is, but I have a standing offer from my last Fuck Buddy to fool around with him at any time I like. He emails me a few times a year to ask what I'm up to. I know what he really wants. So maybe because man-sex is so readily available, I desire it less?

Mostly, I think the reason it's been so easy for me is because random sex eventually became unappealing. Sex for the sake of sex, even with a 'friend,' just wasn't any more fulfilling than jacking off. Actually, jacking off is better because I have no guilt, no worries about diseases and no fear of being caught cheating.

I was married at 23 and first cheated (while married) when I was 25. It would have been impossible for me to avoid all sex with men at that stage of my life. I can do it now because I learned from experience that the Empty Feeling can only temporarily be sated by intimate male contact. I now believe that the only way I will ever secure long-term fulfillment is to be in a lasting, full-time relationship with a man. And even that may be wishful thinking.

The hole in our souls that only a man can fill...

When I was younger I thought if I kept searching I'd eventually find the right man and the right situation, then I'd be happy. And I was, with two serial sexual friendships. But when those ended and I tried out a third friendship (the same guy who keeps checking on me), that hole in my soul felt as empty as ever. That "ah ha!" moment I had when I decided to give men up - it was something that happened ONLY because I had already spent years cheating. My point is - just because giving up men has been easy for me in NO WAY means that it will be easy for you. You might need to be a lying cheater for a long time, like I was, before it becomes that easy.

One final point. These four options for handling your same sex attractions while you are committed to a woman...two of them are open to you at all times, two are 'forever' decisions. The decision not to act on your desires is not permanent. Nor are there any requirements for when you can decide to begin. In fact, fidelity begins anew each time you say goodbye to your lover.

Up next: Option Two. Any guesses what it will be?

As always commented are appreciated, especially dissenting opinions.


  1. I am looking forward to your further writing on this issue of: to act or not, tell or not, which seem to be the two really really big threshold decisions one can make. And like our sexuality at times, you do already note that one's mode of operation can change over time, as can the form our love takes for our wife if we have married.

    I have come to know myself as a not-uncommon fluid bisexual, where the real desires for men raged early in life, waned to the point I thought I was over men, and are now back in full force. We cannot control these changes in our feelings and desires. That more than anything may shape what we feel we have to do. Thanks for your steady, thoughtful writing on this over your blog history

  2. I was surprised to see you mention me in this post :D! Thank you, I'm not sure exactly how... but seeing it from the outside in... well. It calmed me down a bit. It's putting things into a different perspective for me. Thanks for the mention.