Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What's next?

As you read this post, my wife Gabbie and I are on an eight day vacation alone together. We are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary which happened earlier this year.

It's very ironic to me that we're taking this expensive, romantic vacation after one of our most tumultuous years together. If I felt like our issues were resolved, I'd be a lot happier to go. I expect that we'll have a fine time and we won't have any arguments, but, that feeling we've both had, that we're on the verge of splitting, it's still there.

This vacation is a big deal to Gabbie. As such, both of us have been on our best behavior for the past several weeks. Actually, life has been very routine, even dull. Gabbie started a new job in August that has turned out to be completely stress free. And although Gabbie still spends quite a few nights out every week, she hasn't been even stumbling-drunk lately. Her former-lover-now-loser-friend Charlie is still around but I can see that she has distanced herself from him emotionally. Gabbie's even been spending more time with the kids. In short, she's back to who she was a few years ago. She still doesn't like being a wife or a mother but she's making a genuine effort to fulfill her responsibilities.

The last time she had this attitude, I was reasonably content. Now I'm dissatisfied. It bothers me that I haven't been able to appreciate Gabbie's relative calm. I worry that my feelings for her have forever changed. But I don't know yet. I've been wondering if I should take a break from blogging. I may be forcing myself to think about issues that I otherwise would not.

Because Gabbie and I are taking this vacation alone we're going to be spending more time together than we have since before she began her affair with Charlie. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'm thinking that this trip could either make or break our marriage. I wish I knew which result I prefer.

On the one hand I'm kind of pissed off that I've sacrificed so much of myself and my life to be with her - and yet she doesn't want to be with me. I fear that she sees me as broken because I'm gay.

Maybe I just don't get it but I don't see my sexual orientation as a big problem. Every day I find myself yearning to have sex with her. I'm not horny, I'm not craving my dick in her cunt, I'm just terribly lonely. I can accept that I'm not the best hetero lay she can find, but it really hurts that she thinks I don't desire her. For me, this has become the make-or-break issue.

And yet I will not initiate a break-up. Instead I have decided to continue to be optimistic, to continue to tell myself that every marriage faces difficulties, and that it's wrong to act impetuously. In short, I will keep my head in the sand and patiently wait for the eventual, inevitable resolution.

Although it is possible that all the togetherness of our vacation will change my mind, I doubt it. I have made the decision to consent to a divorce the next time she asks me, should she ever do so again. Giving up is completely against my nature, but I have decided that saying yes could be the only way to move us forward. Either I'll be calling her bluff and she'll reconsider, or, I will know that I have only been delaying the inevitable.

It is possible that we will have some serious conversations while we are away together, although the odds are higher that we won't. In anticipation that something might happen, I wanted to record my thoughts and attitude in advance of our week together. For me, this week is very much a test and I'd like to see if I feel any differently on October 3rd when we return, than I do on September 24th, which is when I am writing this.

For those of you are following my melodrama, I hope to be able to post at least a short update on October 3rd. Thereafter I will finish the posts about the four options married men have when it comes to dealing with their same sex attractions.

I both hope and fear that something significant will happen on this trip. I'd cross my fingers but I have no idea what to wish for.

2 comments:

  1. There must be some connection or bond between you....if you couldn't stand each other you surely would have split. You've tolerated alot....more than most guys would have put up with. Maybe it's just a situation you both are comfortable with.

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  2. You sound like you are in the same place I was a year ago. Not wanting to let go, loving my wife yet horribly lonely.

    Maybe you are Gabbie are best friends. If that is the case, then go with that. Don't try to force something that is not there. In the long run it will only hurt more.

    You can still enjoy your time together. K and I do. In fact we might enjoy it now that we are both open and honest about all of our feelings.

    I don't know if that will work for you, but it sure worked for me.

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