In my last post I wrote about my wife's decision to move out in a few month's time and how I am not happy about it.
Thank you to everyone who has left a kind comment here or sent a comforting email. Honestly, without e-friends, I'd have no support at all.
One friend said, "Haven't you both known this for years? Is this a surprise? To either of you?"
No, I'm not surprised. But I am stunned.
I don't think I can adequately express the depth of my love for Gabbie. Yes, she's been an anchor around my neck for 24 years and she's been a royal pain-in-the ass for most of 2010, but truly, the reason I have been so patient is because I love her so much. And despite her behavior this year, I know that she loves me just as much as I love her.
My rational brain keeps telling me that splitting up is probably for the best; perhaps it is inevitable.
My rational brain also tells me that the best way to handle the break up is to focus on the future, not the past.
But my emotional brain keeps putting on the brakes. You need time. You cannot look for a new relationship until you've made peace with this one. So, for as much as a part of me would like to move ahead, I find that I can't. Yet. Perhaps in a week or a month or in six months I will be excited about dating men and starting my second life, but for now, I'm just not ready.
The same friend I quoted above asked me, "why all of a sudden now it's over? Was there a straw that broke the camel's back?" Others may have wondered the same thing. Yes, there was a straw.
After a very frustrating two weeks of having Charlie present in my house and in my life way too often, I finally asked Gabbie when he would be permanently gone.
"I don't know," she said.
"But you do know how much I hate him, right? Sure, he's crazy about you and that counts for something, but you must also know that I can't stand seeing him in our house, five and six times a day."
"Fine. I'll tell him he can't come here any more."
"That's not the point. The point is, when are YOU not going to want him here? How long do I have to wait?"
"I, uh...I don't know."
"Then what are we doing?"
She paused for a minute and said, "I love you, we're best friends. But I can't give him up."
That's a change from July and August when Gabbie told me that she wanted Charlie to be deported and I did everything I could to make it happen. I asked her why she changed her mind.
"I didn't. I just...uh...It wouldn't matter. If Charlie wasn't around...there are a lot of other guys who seem to really like me."
"What about me? I LOVE you. You know I love you."
"Yes, I know. But...I think you've always wanted a different life and you were afraid."
"You're wrong." I explained that I didn't choose a life, a chose a person - her. And when I chose her I wasn't running away from something, I was choosing to spend my life with her.
"We're best friends, and we love each other, but that's not enough," she replied.
So, the immediate issue that prompted our conversation was that I was sick of Charlie hanging around. But what was most significant was Gabbie's confession that if Charlie disappeared, she still would not be content to stay with me.
That has been my worst fear and now it's been realized.
Eighteen years ago when I met a great guy and eventually dumped him because I decided I wanted to be with Gabbie more, it never occurred to me that I might be incapable of loving Gabbie the 'right' way. I don't think it occurred to her either.
Perhaps we never would have gotten together if she had had any previous experience with men. Maybe she would have known that I didn't desire her the way other men could.
Regardless of how we got here, the reality is that Gabbie now feels that my love is not the right kind of love.
That realization really kills me. I've always been so good to Gabbie, and she tells me so, but yet I'm still lacking? And worst of all, my love is so unsatisfying that she'd rather be with a complete loser? Can someone stomp on my ego a bit more please? I haven't quite reached the level of Complete Humiliation.
The bottom line is that, in the battle for Gabbie's heart, I lost because I am gay.
It may be wrong to generalize about the implications of losing but I can't help doing it.
There are a lot of 'mixed orientation' marriages out there. If 20 years of doting on a woman is not enough for a gay man to prove that he is a good partner for a straight woman, does any mixed orientation marriage have any hope?
I have a new cynicism on the subject and so my answer is, yes, mixed orientation marriages can work. All you have to do is keep your wife away from other men. As long as no other man ever desires her then she will continue to be happy with you.
It really pains me to be so negative. I'm an optimist and I've always believed that genuine love is enough to conquer all. It really sucks to find out that it doesn't.
I wrote the above entry earlier this week. I've been meaning to post it for days but every single day Gabbie makes a new comment that leaves me confused.
Two days after she decided she was going to move out she told me she couldn't do it. I was elated. Then, the following day she told me that maybe she should get a secret place and not tell the kids. I was depressed again; apparently her decision to stay had nothing to do with me.
For the last two days she's told me that she doesn't know what to do.
Today she asked me what I thought she should do. I told her not to ask me, she needs to decide for herself.
The one good aspect of this emotional roller coaster ride is that I now feel more impatient than I do depressed or rejected. Please woman, make up your mind!
The 'Inevitability Factor' weighs heavily on me. I want to be permanently wanted. If that's not possible, let's endure the ugly stuff now so that we can move ahead that much sooner.
As you can see, I'm still in a bad mood and I still have a bad attitude. Neither are typical and I'm really disappointed that I can no longer imagine a positive outcome.
With no answers of my own and an indecisive Gabbie, I am now looking forward to many more weeks of instability.
One thing this week that made me happy was watching "The A List" on Logo for the first time. I was so horrified by the show that I started thinking that a celibate life with a wife who fucks around seems like a way better option than being out, single and gay.