What I desire most is a happy marriage. A wife who wants to be with me, her gay husband, both romantically and sexually.
I drew the proverbial line in the sand recently when I said, "If sex is 'Never!' ... then I'll put myself on the queer market."
A few days ago I tried to initiate sex with my wife for the first time in two months.
"What are you doing?"
A thirty minute conversation followed. Sex did not.
"I know you're taking this personally," she said. "You think I'm rejected you. But, really, I'm just not that interested. I get hit on all the time by guys at the bar and I'm never interested in any of them. There's hardly anyone who interests me."
Not: "no one" - "hardly" anyone. I *so* wanted to push her for clarification about who would interest her...but then I wondered if I'd like any answer she gave. Probably not. I decided not to ask.
The bottom line is that by not being able to fuck, I'm fucked.
Over and over the words repeat in my head..."sexless marriage"..."40 years without intimacy."
I wish I could either be content to masturbate forever, or, be happy to find a friend with benefits to fill the gap. But neither will work in the long run.
At this point, I'd rather jerk off than deal with all the headaches of a FWB. That means the most appealing option is a life of celibacy. I just can't do that.
My other condition for a 'happy marriage' is that Gabbie be honestly satisfied with me and only me. She's not there yet, but she's making progress. She spends so much more time talking to me and making plans for our future than she has in years. I really should be thrilled because I feel like I've regained the wife I had for the majority of my 20 year marriage. Instead, I feel anxious. Obviously she's settling down and is ready to see our lives return to 'normal'. But the no sex thing...I just can't do it.
I have been extremely patient as Gabbie has worked through her issues but when it comes to resolving my own problems, I want clarity as soon as possible. Gabbie and I need to have one last "big" conversation. It's going to be extremely difficult for me to say the words but I have to do it. I have to tell her that the resolution she has chosen for her own crisis does not work for me. It fills me with guilt to say that. For the both of us to go through so much and then to have me throw it into chaos again...it just seems cruel. But I will do it.
If I can't have a traditional, happy marriage then I want a happy, open one. One that is 'open' to polyamory not just momentary sexual thrills. At this point, I have absolutely no idea how she will react when I tell her.
Thinking about this conversation has dominated my thoughts for days and it's really getting me down. Basically, there's only one response from her that will make me happy - "Go for it" and anything else will create a big problem...just when things have been going so much better.
It's torture to think about fucking everything up again.
But I'm still going to do it.
To solidify my resolve I've decided to have the conversation in the first week of January. That would be the soonest I would date any men and right now Gabbie is very stressed by family holiday pressures.
I also have this secret wish that Charlie will fall off the wagon soon and that Gabbie will be forced to decide if she wants to stay involved with him and his drama.
If she can't give him up should he start drinking again it would be so much easier for me to TELL her what I'm going to do, rather than to ask for her permission.
If any of ya'll have advice or fresh perspectives on any of this, I'd love to hear it. Feel free to post comments or email.
Thanks for reading!