Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I Just Can't Do It

What I desire most is a happy marriage. A wife who wants to be with me, her gay husband, both romantically and sexually.

I drew the proverbial line in the sand recently when I said, "If sex is 'Never!' ... then I'll put myself on the queer market."

A few days ago I tried to initiate sex with my wife for the first time in two months.

Her response:

"What are you doing?"

A thirty minute conversation followed. Sex did not.

"I know you're taking this personally," she said. "You think I'm rejected you. But, really, I'm just not that interested. I get hit on all the time by guys at the bar and I'm never interested in any of them. There's hardly anyone who interests me."

Hardly anyone.

Not: "no one" - "hardly" anyone. I *so* wanted to push her for clarification about who would interest her...but then I wondered if I'd like any answer she gave. Probably not. I decided not to ask.


The bottom line is that by not being able to fuck, I'm fucked.

Over and over the words repeat in my head..."sexless marriage"..."40 years without intimacy."

I wish I could either be content to masturbate forever, or, be happy to find a friend with benefits to fill the gap. But neither will work in the long run.

At this point, I'd rather jerk off than deal with all the headaches of a FWB. That means the most appealing option is a life of celibacy. I just can't do that.

My other condition for a 'happy marriage' is that Gabbie be honestly satisfied with me and only me. She's not there yet, but she's making progress. She spends so much more time talking to me and making plans for our future than she has in years. I really should be thrilled because I feel like I've regained the wife I had for the majority of my 20 year marriage. Instead, I feel anxious. Obviously she's settling down and is ready to see our lives return to 'normal'. But the no sex thing...I just can't do it.

I have been extremely patient as Gabbie has worked through her issues but when it comes to resolving my own problems, I want clarity as soon as possible. Gabbie and I need to have one last "big" conversation. It's going to be extremely difficult for me to say the words but I have to do it. I have to tell her that the resolution she has chosen for her own crisis does not work for me. It fills me with guilt to say that. For the both of us to go through so much and then to have me throw it into chaos just seems cruel. But I will do it.

If I can't have a traditional, happy marriage then I want a happy, open one. One that is 'open' to polyamory not just momentary sexual thrills. At this point, I have absolutely no idea how she will react when I tell her.

Thinking about this conversation has dominated my thoughts for days and it's really getting me down. Basically, there's only one response from her that will make me happy - "Go for it" and anything else will create a big problem...just when things have been going so much better.

It's torture to think about fucking everything up again.

But I'm still going to do it.

To solidify my resolve I've decided to have the conversation in the first week of January. That would be the soonest I would date any men and right now Gabbie is very stressed by family holiday pressures.

I also have this secret wish that Charlie will fall off the wagon soon and that Gabbie will be forced to decide if she wants to stay involved with him and his drama.

If she can't give him up should he start drinking again it would be so much easier for me to TELL her what I'm going to do, rather than to ask for her permission.

If any of ya'll have advice or fresh perspectives on any of this, I'd love to hear it. Feel free to post comments or email.

Thanks for reading!


  1. There's hardly anyone who interests her?? You are only her husband. You are not "anyone". You should be the ONLY person she is interested in.

  2. I agree with RB's comment. And you initiating sex should be different than someone hitting on her when she's at the bar.

    But it sounds as if she's just not that into you. And if that's the case, I can't see her objecting to an open arrangement. She's had her own open relationship for a while now, so why shouldn't you?

    Good luck with the discussion - I hope all works out.

    I must say, I didn't like it when I saw the word polyamory - but you understand my issue with that word in particular. My issue doesn't translate to a problem for you or Gabbie.


  3. I agree with New Leaf; she had her long and open fling. Why can't you? I know you don't want a "fling". It's not a matter of revenge either. She wants the social and comfort benefits of marriage to you without sex; well the contract includes sex. You want an open marriage and she has been living one. You took care of the kids and she didn't. What about when the kids are gone? I think an open arrangement is a very good and just thing for you two. Polyamory? It's out there. See Craig's List.

    Charlie might really appreciate a box of Crown Royal wrapped anonomously with a nice card at his door.


  4. If she feels she can have a fling, then you should be able to, as well, I would think. I've never had a problem with the idea of open marriages, although my wife might.

    I'll never understand how a wife can say she's no longer interested in sex, as mine has, but disallow me having sex with a guy.

  5. RB - If she told me that she finds a certain man or a celebrity very sexy, I can understand that. Don't we all desire a good looking guy? So I don't expect that I'd be the only person who would interest her. But I would expect that I'd be on the list...

    NewLeaf - I don't like the word polyamory either. And I certainly don't like it when people throw it around casually. It's an undeniable fact that I love Gabbie. But if we do not have a romantic future I want to find love with a man. Should that ever happen, I can't imagine NOT loving Gabbie. Hence, polyamory. Different kinds of love though so I probably should have used a better word.

    Dodger - You gave me the best laugh I've had in weeks! I should have thought about the Crown Royal weeks ago. Now that Charlie is sleeping on his ex-wife's couch I don't know where to leave the bottle. But if I did and if I could get away unseen, I would totally do it.

    Fred - I won't be looking for a fling. I'll be looking for a long-term partner. When I tell her, Gabbie may completely flip out, or, she might take it in stride. If it's the latter, then it will be clear that she has decided our marriage is over.

    Thanks for all your thoughtful comments guys.

  6. I don't understand? If you are a gay man and she is a woman, why do you think she should be happy to have any kind of sexual relationship with you? Doesn't she need someone who is truly turned on by her?

    Go for polyamory by all means, but it's just a form of fucking around in my opinion.

    Wouldn't you be better off separating and finding a man to satisfy you emotionally and sexually? You can still be close friends with your wife if you did that?

    Fortune favours the brave.

  7. Anonymous - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

    If I labeled myself as bisexual could I expect that she'd be happy to have a sexual relationship with me then? I choose the 'gay' label because my desire for men is primary. However, after 20 years of marriage I have had more straight sex than gay sex. Based on what I've actually done sexually, I am bisexual.

    Most importantly, I see sex as being a part of marriage. If she wants to be married I think she should want to have sex with me. I see marriage and sex as being tightly linked. At least at our age. At 75+, I might think differently.

  8. I know that the matter is over for you now, but maybe I can clarify that in restrospective, from a straight wife position.

    The first Anonymous is somehow right, at least for me. I do not deny my husband sex. I just do not enjoy it. My husband is not turning me on anymore - how could I be turned on by man who prefers porn over me and to whom I´m just a sexual substitute? How could I be turned on by man who consistently deprives me from sex?

    So I agree to have sex with him when he demands, but I feel really bad during the performance and pretty down, humuliated and used after. If I men attract him more, why for the hell he has to insist on having sex with me, a woman?

    Initially, I was a very sexual person. After years in a mixed orientation marriage sex became a night-mare for me. Just like your wife that time, I prefer sexless decades over MO sex. I´d rather sacrifice my whole sexual life (which I did anyway) than participate on the sessions he-feels-like.

    Just a hint...