Friday, December 10, 2010

What I Want

Having sex with a woman goes against my natural inclinations. But when it happens I find pleasure and connection in it. Likewise, talking at length about 'what I want' goes against my natural inclinations. The difference is that, unlike sex with a woman, I DON'T find pleasure in writing about it.

What I'm saying is that I'd rather have a romp in the sack with my wife than write this post.

In several recent posts I have remarked that I'm tired of being on an emotional roller coaster when it comes to the fate of my marriage. A chorus of you have responded with the exactly same advice: the upheaval will not end until I decide what *I* want. This post is my response to your collective prodding.

Before I get into the substance of 'what I want', I should say that although I am posting this now I would have said exactly the same thing throughout the last eight years. None of this is new. The lack of novelty on the subject may be why I've never publicly outlined my wishes. I know what they are - do I need to tell everyone else? I guess I do!


What I'd like more than anything is for Gabbie to love me as a husband and for the two of us to remain happily married until one of us drops dead.

The 'happily married' part requires explanation. For me 'happily married' means that Gabbie feels fulfilled by me - no wanderlust and no need for an emotional or sexual relationship with Charlie, or any other man. 'Happily married' also requires sex. I'm gay. My hand and my dick are extremely well acquainted and have been for a very long time. It's a good match which I largely find to be fulfilling. The reason straight sex is so important to me has nothing to do with lust or with getting off, it's about the connection. When we lie in bed next to each other, that's nice, but there's still a separateness that eats at me. Only sex breaks the barriers and makes us one. To imagine many more decades of being together without sex - I can't do it. I can't take that kind of prolonged isolation.

A sexless marriage is hardly a novelty. "The solution is simple," you say, "Find a friend and have sex with him."

Been there, done that.

I've had three FWB arrangements and two were quite satisfying. All were with married men. You'd think the fact that I mostly enjoyed those relationships would mean that I'd be willing to consider another - but no, I don't want that.

A sexual friendship with a married man is a compromised relationship because wives are primary, as they should be. For me, sex and an emotional connection are now profoundly related. (Holy shit, I've turned into a woman.)

Perhaps I should no longer label myself as gay but as an 'emotasexual'. Share a deep emotional bond with me and you'll be the only person I want to fuck. And we'll fuck like bunnies.

FWB relationships have it all backwards. Sex dominates and emotions may - or may not - follow. Yes, a sexual friend could become someone who rocks my world, but often does that happen? And more realistically - should I seek a FWB with the expectation that he will rock my world? Never. I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.

Given the fact that I'm an emotasexual and all my emotions are wrapped up in Gabbie, I will not and cannot take any actions that might cloud my mind. As a couple we are clearly stressed and the answer is to figure that out, not to add to the mess.

The emotional roller coaster was really making me nuts in November because, at long last, the end of her crisis appeared to be in sight. Finally, I hoped, I would know if she shared my desire to be happily married or not.

The answer? Still vague. She's not moving out so that's good but what most concerns me are my 'happily married' requirements. So far, Gabbie's reasons for staying have not been about me. And although she has talked about saving for retirement together she also said, "we'll see how it goes" when the last kid leaves in 7 years. Also, Charlie's importance to her continues even though she seldom sees him.

Some readers have told me that my relationship with Gabbie is dysfunctional; Gabbie is emotionally abusive to me and I should get out. Other readers have said that because I'm gay, the relationship will never work; the best solution is to end it sooner rather than later. I have considered those opinions carefully and there is some element of truth in both statements. The thing is, I love Gabbie and nothing she has done has felt like a betrayal. Her whole relationship with Charlie was something that happened, not something she sought, and she's told me all of the essential truths about it, as they happened.

I don't feel any need to emotionally end my commitment to Gabbie and unless or until I do, leaving her is not something I would ever consider. I don't feel trapped or powerless. The reason I have been extremely passive is because this is Gabbie's crisis and if I try to impose my will on her that will not address her central problems. She needs to work things out for herself and the best thing I can do is to minimize the distractions so that she can figure her shit out.

Because 'happily married' is in doubt I have thought about 'what I want' depending on what happens. She's decided she wants to stay, so that is no longer in doubt. What I still don't know is, is she emotionally committed to ME and if so, will we ever have sex again?

The sex question is a lot easier to answer. As I said above, sex is essential for me. Within the next month I plan to push for an answer about this. If she's content to have sex even a half dozen times a year, I could probably live with that. Is that so much for a homosexual - I mean - an emotasexual to ask?

If sex is "Never!" that implies an answer to the emotional commitment question. Should that be her answer (and I hope it won't be) then I'll put myself on the queer market. I'll be in big demand:

Married guy, 44, lives with his (sorta) ex-wife and three kids in the suburbs - would like to meet a man for a full-time emotasexual relationship.

What a joke I'll be.

If sex is a yes but Gabbie's emotional commitment remains vague because she can't dump Charlie...well, that would suck. By choice, I will remain in limbo as I ever-so-patiently wait for her to kick that asshole to the curb - or do the same to me.

So there you have it. The very exciting summary of 'what Cameron wants.'

I'm sure it was a scintillating read. Now, go find yourself some porn.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your concerns and comments!


  1. Cameron, my aching friend, I think all humans are 'emotosexuals.' That is the way we are created to be. But lots of things get in the way of this ideal state, not the least of which is that both men and women are able to split sex and emotion, and do so in a variety of ways to survive in our relationships.

    Personal attraction is what defines sexual orientation -- not where we are on some social scientist's chart with labels like straight, gay, bisesexual. It is the 'who' of whom we attracted to which allows the social scientist to label us -- and of course if he looks at the same people ten years later, the 'whos' of the whom will have changed. Sexual orientation in an artificial construct, unlike -- say -- eye color, and it is subject to change.

    You describe your self right now as a wannabe heterosexual, desiring your wife both sexually and emotionally. But you two are in a troubled relationship, in which some of the ways each of you has defined yourselves in the past are no longer accurate. But until this troubled state is resolved in some way, or until you have decided that the troubled state is what the resolution is going to be, all the other options you have are utterly moot. Period.

    So my prayers for you and Gabbie are that this troubled state transforms into some serenity in which the two of you can move forward in some way or ways which allow you both to feel more free to be who you truly are.

    Love and hugs!!

  2. Could it be that you're her security blanket? She loves you and you're a great friend. You're her rock. And she is averse to change and the unknown. But you can't satisfy her sexually, and she knows that you are not satisfied by her....that's the missing piece of the puzzle. That piece is always going to be missing. Maybe the kids are part of the glue that holds things together right now. That glue will become less strong over time.

  3. Wharton - Thank you very much for reading and commenting. The last time I ever consciously recall wanting to be heterosexual was at age 15. It's so interesting that you think I have described myself as a wanna be heterosexual now. It's also interesting that I would no longer call my marriage 'troubled' - I'd call it ambiguous. We're staying married for a minimum of 8 more years, and we're friends. But after that, things get weird.

    RB - For now, the kids are the glue. Without them I think she would have left some time ago. Believe it or not, it is plausible that in 8 years, when the list kid is in college, she'll still want to be with me. Why? Because I am the security blanket. The real world can be pretty rough!