Friday, February 4, 2011

What's Going On?

My wife and I agreed to split on January 4th; she moved out on January 16th.

Our split was very amicable. In December she told me she wanted a best-friends marriage and after I considered that option for a month I decided we were too young to accept that. When I told her how I felt she seemed relieved.

Quite a number of times over the past two years she told me she wished she lived alone or she wished she had never gotten married. The 'never gotten married' was not directed at me. She just thought that marriage in general was too confining.

Two days after we agreed to split she was all over Craigslist, anxiously looking for a place she liked. It didn't take her long to find one and after she did she decided to alternate nights between there and home. That way her absence would be less of an issue for the kids.

Sunday, January 16th was her first night in her new place. Five days later she called me to say that she was very lonely and she wanted to move back home.

That's right. After years of wishing for a place of her own she lasted less than five days. Actually it was three nights because of the every-other-night thing.

I was thrilled. That Friday was one of the happiest days I've had in a long time. But my happiness faded a bit over the following days because work and social commitments kept her very busy. She ended up staying three more nights at her place for a total of six. We moved all her stuff back home on Friday, January 28th.

During the busy week when I was waiting for her to move back, I wondered what was going on with us. Are we together? Are we not? Does she still want a BFF marriage? She was so hurried and stressed that week that there was never a good time when I could ask her. The following week was very busy also; we never had a good opportunity to talk. She didn't even tell the kids she had moved back until Sunday, January 30th. They were all happy.

The oldest one asked the question I wanted to ask, "Does this mean you and Dad are back together?"

Finally an answer!

"No, we're still just best friends."

As the days since then have ticked by Gabbie has shown no sign of wanting to be independent from me. That has made me wonder, again, what is going on. When she originally told me she was moving back she said, "Maybe we could make some changes with the house so we each have a separate area." But she's never mentioned it again.

Just as interesting is her lack of interest in spending time with her sort-of boyfriend Charlie. He's on the wagon, has no money and lives on his ex-wife's couch. The days of drunken bliss are gone, I guess.

It appears that Charlie is no longer a threat and Gabbie's wanderlust has been sated. That means, from my perspective, the only issue keeping us apart is sex. If she could honestly enjoy having sex with me every once in a while, like less than 10 times a year, I'd be perfectly content. That's a bizarre thing for a homosexual to say but it's true. I've even been wondering if celibacy might be survivable, if I took it one day at a time. So I admit it. I've been thinking about capitulating.

Giving in.

Giving up.

But wait a minute...she told the kids we're still split up. And we haven't really talked since she moved back in. Maybe she really hasn't changed her mind at all?

Two nights ago I started a conversation. I asked her, "How are you enjoying single life?"

"What life? All I do is work."

"Well, are you happy being single?"

"What are you talking about?!!! It was YOUR idea to separate!"

It took me a minute to decide how to respond to that. I don't see it that way. But I decided not to contradict her. Instead I said, "Yes..but, I was reacting to what you told me."

One of the kids walked in and distracted us for a few minutes, then left. After that my wife started talking about something else entirely, leaving me wondering...what the fuck is going on?

This weekend Gabbie has made various social plans for us on Friday and Saturday night as well as for the game on Sunday. We haven't spent that much time together in four months. She's also got Valentine's Day all booked for us. Yet we're separated?

Oh, and of course we sleep in the same bed.

Well, all this ambiguity is driving me fucking nuts. I DO want to be with her but I want more than a BFF marriage. If she just wants to play house together, well, that puts me in an awkward position. That would put the public focus of our split on me. You know, the whole gay thing. I really don't want to be in the spotlight. I'm really hoping Gabbie's return home isn't a sign that she's given up her desire for independence.

I don't have an explicit plan or a particular deadline but some time very soon I'm going to get this resolved. I might have to wait until after Valentine's Day, unless an opportunity presents itself before then.

It's so frustrating to be going no where again after we finally had some direction.


  1. Ask what's going on with you, not Gabbie.

  2. Well, I believe after all this time,you really do not leave someone because of all the luggage. It is hard to tell someone to really leave but do YOU want someone else or what.

  3. What's going on with me is that I want to have an intimate marriage with my wife of 20 years. But she needs to be a willing participant. If that's not going to happen then I am prepared to move ahead with my life. But I am not going to move ahead until I am convinced my preferred option is not possible.

  4. This sounds like where you were a while ago, but I don't think it is.

    In your your comment above, you say "I am prepared to move ahead with my life" but say you have to be convinced your preferred option is not available.

    What criteria do you use for being convinced? And who is going to be the source of that conviction, which is a commitment to yourself? And what friends of yours, what community of yours, is going to be in connection with you around your decision?

    Love and hugs for this part of your journey!