Thursday, February 10, 2011

What is going on

In my last post I wrote about not knowing if my wife really wanted to separate or not. I was getting mixed signals from her and she was so busy with work that I couldn't find a good time to talk with her about it.

One of the reasons I was confused was because she had planned a weekend of activities for just the two of us - more time together than we had spent in months. "This is separation??" I wondered.

Well, it turns out that the idea of so much togetherness was too much for Gabbie. Almost out of the blue she said, "You put a lot of pressure on me."

"What do you mean?"

"You expect me to spend every minute with you."

I laughed. "That's not true! You know I never make you do anything you don't want to do."

Seizing the opportunity, I continued, "Besides, I'm a big boy. I can entertain myself. I can have a social life. I just don't think you would like it."

Then the big finish: "And I really don't think you would like it if I had a friend."

"I wouldn't be like that. Go ahead and do whatever you want to do."

So, just like that, I got the green light to start dating men.

Two days ago I took the first steps toward doing that. I posted a profile and a picture on OKCupid. If you'd like to find me, I'll tell you how to do it. First, you have to a free account with OKCupid. Second, do a nationwide search using the keyword "INTJ". That's my Myers-Briggs personality type. You'll get about five pages of other INTJ geeks. Mostly, we're an unattractive group. It's up to you to narrow down the prospects to find me. It's not hard. To make it even easier, I will tell you that I list my orientation as gay, not bisexual. Once you find me, be sure to send me a message professing your undying love.

If someone actually does send me a message, that would be a first. Now that I have finally burst on to the gay dating scene I get to face the cold, hard reality that no one gives a shit. Undoubtedly ya'll can look forward to years of me whining about never having a date.

Is my romantic marriage over? Honestly, I haven't completely come to terms with that. I'm still very skeptical about Gabbie's reaction if I ever do meet someone. There's a part of me that has this hope that some day soon she'll realize that she can't live without me. Even today she tangentially said something that put our marriage in the present tense, not the past. Ah! There is hope! My little brain thought. So we'll see. Saying that she doesn't care if I have a friend when there are no prospects is one thing. Dealing with a real homo husband who is actively dating men is another.


  1. Congratulations and all sorts of good luck on this move.


  2. Wow, Cameron. Wow.
    Good for you.
    It's almost immaterial whether you meet someone from that particular site - you took the step, you put yourself out there. Unless you do that, nothing can ever change. You've done something to make change possible and I'm cheering you on. That first step is a biggie and you did it.

  3. This is a huge breakthrough and you need to let go of all your negativity Cameron. I do not know that site but Adam4Adam worked for me. Of course Mr. Right will not come on day one and you will experience the ups and downs of dating, but it will be so good for you to get out and be sociable and even flirt some. Don't sink back into the old routines - she has moved on in her own way and you can too - and maybe you will amaze one another and construct an "open" marriage by default.

    The fact you acted fast shows you have been holding back for a long time and there is a lot of resentment in there - but you have to go to the positive if you are to get anything out of this. I will add my cheers to those of Wharton and Mark Mann. You did it!!! This step may be more pivotal than her short term move out, because you are the one that acted.

  4. Hey Cameron,
    A lot of progress here. Having permission makes all of the difference in the world. There is is someone out there for you, but you may have to sign up on every gay chat/dating site to find out. Using gay phone apps and cruising are going to come along also. You don't have to be in "the Scene" to find someone though. Use your networking skills.

    You've gotten something I think I want, but we'll see. I have been away for 2 weeks on business, and the wheels nearly came off at home and the wife knows it. She seems happy to see me back (and fixing things). Maybe we can make a go of things, and turn a blind eye to other activities.


  5. Cameron, this is a gutsy step and I love how you're doing it with awareness.