Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Gay Dating Week Two

"I met someone! We're deliriously happy! He's THE ONE!!!!"

Anyone believe that?


Ok, ok. So my last post was pretty negative. I was disappointed that I was easily discouraged. I was worried that I wasn't excited about the possibilities that lay ahead. I lamented the fact that I should be HUNGRY to find the right guy.

Here I am a week later. I wish I could say that I suddenly feel much better. I don't. Now I just have a sense of humor about it.

I guess that is some improvement.

I didn't bother totalling up any stats for this week. There isn't much of a point. As expected, all activity slowed significantly.

The bottom line is that I am having ZERO conversations and I have ZERO prospects. Yay me!

The most fun I had all week was fooling around with OKCupid to see how their rating system worked. You can give a guy from 1 to 5 stars. If you give him four or five, he gets an email that says something like, "A random dude just gave you five stars!!!!! Click here and you might be able to figure out who it was!" You click through and you're brought to a page with three profile pictures that you're supposed to rate. Only one of them matches one of the random pictures from the email. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who 4-starred you.

This week I did have a few guys 4-star me. Sadly, not one of them was even slightly interesting. Seriously. I'm not being too picky.

The dark side of the OKCupid star rating system is the 1 or 2 star. Actually, 1-stars are not always dark. Handing them out can be sadistically fun. They're perfect for those guys who absolutely, positively, if they were the last man on Earth, under no circumstances, would you EVER, like, ewww, touch them.

One star. Boom. Gone. You never have to be see them again.

Two stars is a kinder, gentler way of permanently saying goodbye. The result, however, is the same as one star.

One positive aspect of the 1 or 2 star rating is that you DON'T get an email telling you that "HOTGUY69" thinks you look like dog shit and gave you a pity rating of two stars. Nope. If someone gives you 1 or 2 stars you never really know. Unless you notice that they have quietly disappeared.

Wait a minute? Disappearing men? I've had that happen! I thought it was some kind of glitch.

Nope. It's not a glitch. When someone disappears and you didn't one star them, they one-starred you.


I had no idea that disappearing men had anything to do with star ratings. No one tells you that. But with the help of another blogger, we figured it out.

The one stat I did calculate is the percentage of guys who viewed me and then gave me a one or two star rating: 15%. More than half of those I would have one-starred myself, for various reasons. Of the remainder I was indifferent to all but 5 guys. What is most sad is that of those 5, the two guys I had the biggest OKCupid crushes on BOTH 1-starred me. Brutal.

Oh pain, oh misery.

Basically I have decided that spending any emotional energy on dating is a bad investment. I'm not giving up but I'm going to do my best to check out.

At some point I'll feel like being more aggressive but for now I don't have the necessary confidence or enthusiasm. With my current passive approach I'd guess I'd average one date every-other month. Based on what other formerly-married bloggers in their 40s are doing, that seems to be typical.

Some of you may (correctly) say that it's time I try alternatives. Why stick to one dating site? Jason nicely suggested on my last post that I try FrontRunners. I'd definitely be happy to focus on real-life interactions and forget the Internet but it's not easy to find an outlet. FrontRunners would be an option if I enjoyed running. I have looked into a variety of MeetUp groups. I've done numerous searches for activities and groups and I periodically check the strictly platonic section of Craigslist. I won't say there are no opportunities but there's nothing that seems easy or ideal. I will keep checking.

I had an offer on an old Compatible Partners account for $15 per month for 3 months. It expired on February 28th. On that day I decided to sign up and I was prompted to update all of their four million questions. Then, after I finished, I got the E-Harmony Green Screen of Death: "Compatible Partners is for singles, check back with us when your relationship status changes." Well, fuck them! Separated isn't good enough for them, apparently. Of course I tried to access my account and change my marital status but the assholes kept bouncing me out. I took that as a sign and gave up. For now.

I've also been wondering if homos looking for LTRs in their 40s are generally selfish bastards. What I mean is, they feel like there are enough fish in the sea that they don't need to bother with separated suburban fathers. I can see the logic. I've wondered if maybe I need to consider a less uptight group of prospects. Guys who frequently think about dads they'd like to fuck. If I had any enthusiasm for the NSA mentality I'd try Adam4Adam. Some day I probably will. But for now I can't even be bothered to sign in.

I think this entry is going to be the last one about dating, at least for a while. I don't expect anything to happen in the near future that would be worth writing about.

For the next few entries I'd like to write about mixed orientation marriages and coming out to wives. People complain when I write about general topics and not my personal story so I've opted to write about nothing but my drama for the last five months. Once again I'm bored writing about myself so I think it's time to change my focus, at least for a little while.

BTW, if any of you think you know the perfect match for me, please email me and I'll send you my address. All you'll need to do is stuff him a box (with a little lettuce and a water bottle, of course) and mail him off to me.

Oh, one more BTW. For anyone who gives a shit about OKCupid: don't 3 star anyone. It's a complete waste, nothing happens, and if you rate them first you won't get an email if they later 4-star you.


  1. Hey, I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I look like someone in his mid-20's, get hit on fairly regularly at coffee houses and bars - and still get extremely few responses on dating sites. From my experience if you're not a 9 or 10 out of 10, you're not likely to get much activity on many of them.

    That doesn't mean much for real life, though. My actual suggestion would be to hit something low-risk, like a gay coffee house or restaurant if there's one anywhere near you; "local" bars work too, but that can be a lot more intimidating. You might be surprised at what kinds of response you get.

  2. Thanks for the tutorial in OKCupid!

  3. Remember: more than half the battle is making yourself seem like a good catch for the other guy.

    It's going to take a special kind of man to accept you as an inexperienced guy, still living under the same roof with your wife and actively raising kids.

    If a prospect won't give you the time of day just from your picture and stats, what are the chances that things will click for him once he finds out your story? Don't kick yourself over the instant rejections.