Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Ultimatum (No really, this time I mean it!)

In my last personal update I explained how my wife suddenly "got" the fact that I'm gay. I'm still astounded by the depth of her denial, but it is what it is.

As you might expect, my "revelation" has sparked some discussions. Two, actually. In the first one, she said all the things straight wives say to their husbands when they come out. "Our life has been a lie." "You've been hiding behind me." "You're afraid to be who you are." Stuff like that. Honestly, I have no patience for that nonsense. She's known for 18 years! I had my chance to cut and run and I didn't. So, spare me the bullshit. That's basically what I told her.

Earlier this week we had the second conversation. This one was about my appearance. Back in October I started working out regularly for the first time in many years. I was not overweight (5'8", 156) but I wasn't in shape either. I figured that I'd look much better if I lost 10 pounds. I didn't think it was a big deal so I never told my wife that I was working out.

By the end of January I had lost the 10 pounds and I still wasn't satisfied. Also, after plateauing for a while, the weight was coming off pretty easily. I kept up my workout routine and now I've lost almost exactly 20 pounds, I'm 136. That sounds awfully thin, I know, but I have a small frame and small bones.

My wife never noticed my significantly improved body, even when I changed in front of her, until a few days ago. When she saw me half-dressed, she went ape-shit. "This is how it all starts!! Now you're going to be prancing around the Castro with your 25 year old boyfriend!!" And on and on.

Yes, one of the reasons I wanted to get in shape was because looks count for everything in the homoworld. But there was another reason - my father had his first heart attack at 49. I've always known that I had to get serious about being in shape. And I've always known that I'd have to start no later than my mid-40s. So although the possibility of dating was the immediate impetus, I had planned to do this anyway. I explained all of this and more to my wife and she calmed down, somewhat. But when she looks at me now she keeps shaking her head with disapproval.

What she's most upset about is that we're going on a Caribbean cruise together this week. In fact, this is a scheduled post. We're in the Caribbean right now. She's pissed that I look so good and she's afraid she doesn't. She's pissed that I've been spending time working out instead of making more money. Oh well!!!

I also expect that she can't shake her original complaint, which is that I'm moving on. Live with it baby! Actually, I took the opportunity to tell her in a very forceful way that I want to be with her and that I want her loser boyfriend Charlie to permanently disappear. We had some back and forth about that and she appeared to be giving the idea very serious consideration. She asked me if I'd be willing to go to sex therapy and I very enthusiastically replied, "Absolutely!" Then I added, "In fact, I'll do whatever it takes. I haven't sat around and watched this whole thing with Charlie for five years for no reason. If I didn't want to be with you, I would have left a long time ago."

One of the kids came in about then and our conversation ended. Although nothing was resolved I think it was perfect timing to have this conversation before spending a week alone together. She's had some time to consider her options and before we come home I WILL BE demanding an answer. It's me or him, baby.

Some of you may recall that I've given her this ultimatum before. She didn't take me seriously and it turns out that she was right to blow me off. This time, we both know things are different. She could, and probably will, try to avoid the decision and keep our situation status quo. But I'm not going to be complacent this time. I've found at least some of my missing mojo and any answer from her other than "Charlie and I are through" will mean that I will start dating men. And I'll be much more motivated this time.

Because I'm going to force her to make a choice, the big unknown is what she'll decide. Charlie is a complete loser who can barely support himself. I'm her husband of 21 years who does everything he's supposed to do. It seems like an obvious choice, but, we'll see.

Regardless, I have big hopes that I'll finally have some resolution. With all our cards out on the table, there are no more excuses to be made. I hope to be able to post on Sunday May 29th with the news...whatever that may be.


  1. My mom always used to tell me, "be careful of what you wish for, because you might just get it."

    Good luck Cam, and I hope you enjoy your vacation....I'm jealous.


  2. Now I'm totally confused.

    I thought you were looking for an exit plan? But now you are going to sex therapy with her? How will you explain this to the therapist?

  3. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving. Stick to your guns and insist she be willing to work at least as hard as you are. Wishing you good luck and every happiness

  4. Glad to hear there's movement and that you are stating your position clearly. If you do go to therapy with your wife, I think her issues will become apparent (vs. the ones btw you two, sexuality, etc.) with the possibility of some personal development for her.

  5. Congratulations on getting in shape. I got inspired to work in that direction when my wife said that my naked body turned her on. I had about 30 extra pounds on me at the time so I figured that if I lost most of that, and/or converted it to muscle, she'd be that much happier. No -- just like your situation, she fees threatened by my losing my gut, because she hasn't lost hers. One of those "women are from Venus" things.

    It's not a dealbreaker with me; I love her regardless, but I would be happier if she gave me more encouragement on the shape-up program rather than flak - and even happier if she managed to slim down some. But the relationship isn't conditioned on any of that.

    On the other hand, if my wife had a "boyfriend" there would be some serious discussions afoot. She vowed to love YOU, not Charlie. She has children by you, not Charlie. Doesn't that mean anything to her?

    By all means, do the therapy and put the relationship as back together as it possibly can be.

  6. Among my many jobs was bring a pastor. My observation was that people who maintained themselves often are happier, more grateful, and less hateful under stress.

  7. Cameron,
    I did the same thing over the past year in weight lost. I decided the spare tire was my own fault and decided to work on it. Now I feel better and look a lot better. My wife and friends noticed. Actually even men and women around me notice too. Anyway, I just hope you and the wife can work out a marital solution and the vacation was not a loss but relaxing. Chase.