Ever hear of the phrase 'misery loves company?'
It means that as much as it sucks to be miserable, it really sucks to be miserable AND alone. Therefore, if you can't avoid being unhappy, then feel free to cheer yourself up a little by spreading your misery to the people around you.
Bad day at work? Kick the dog when you get home.
Deep down, I believe that most closeted bi and gay married men are unhappy. The conflict we feel between what we want versus what our life is...it's a lose-lose situation. We cannot please the people we care about most and we cannot please ourselves. All we can do is manage the situation and try to maintain some sense of balance so that we don't turn into miserable SOBs.
We think we are so kind, so manly, because we shelter our family from our internal conflict. They don't know the baggage we carry and they're better off because of it.
Likewise, we think we have completely hidden ourselves -- only we haven't.
We are who we are and we leave clues to our state of mind all the time. Our wives might not know the reason we're stressed and edgy, sad and withdrawn, but they certainly see the effects of it. Most of the time, they're sympathetic too. They want a peaceful, happy household and if we're on edge, more often than not they'll use their extensive knowledge of us to adapt to our moods.
Outside of the home we try to sate our unhappiness by hooking up with men. But those are short-term fixes. Even 'long term' arrangements like fuck buddies and friends with benefits don't seem to last very long, especially when compared to the relationship with our wives.
Sex with men is not like life with our wives. One is fleeting and the other is enduring. We don't think about it often enough, but our wives are our best company as we struggle to maintain the balance between our secret life and our real life.
By staying with them we think we're being good to them, that we're providing for them and protecting them. We might be right about that. But there's a huge, gaping flaw in our logic: we never ask them what they want.
Would a wife want to be married to a man who secretly has sex with other men?
When we pat ourselves on the back for our chivalry, for our kindness, or for our ability to keep our lives balanced, we're only fooling ourselves. Unless and until we give our wives the opportunity to decide for themselves if they would like to walk this path with us, our self-congratulatory thoughts are nothing more than delusional rationalizations.
We can't change our sexuality. We can't change the fact that we married someone and have a long history together. Most of us probably can't change the fact that we NEED to meet men for sex. But we can, at least, be honest with ourselves. The 'protection' we think we're giving our wives is a lie. If we truly wanted to protect them we'd give them the opportunity to choose to stand with us, or not. But we don't WANT to give them a choice. Instead we want to keep them locked into their commitment to us so that we're not alone. All because...misery loves company.
Had a bad day at work today? Go home and kick the dog.
Had sex with a man today? Go home and kiss your wife.
I could only write a post like this if I had lived the life of denial I describe.
By denial I don't mean my sexuality, I mean my sincere belief that keeping my hook-ups hidden from my wife was for her own good.
Wrong. Keeping them hidden was for MY own good.
I told myself how much I loved my wife, but I certainly didn't act that way. Love isn't keeping someone in a prison and taking away their choices in life. I never challenged myself or questioned my motivations. But now that I have put myself into her shoes, I understand.
I asked above, "Would a wife want to be married to a man who secretly has sex with other men?"
You might be shocked to know that many, if not MOST wives will accept such a marriage. They have their reasons and they're willing to make compromises to keep what they have. So, don't assume that giving your wife the freedom to run or stay will automatically mean that she'll run.
Here is a comprehensive list of on-line resources for men who are out, or thinking of coming out, to their wives:
Spouse Support Mailing List for Mixed Orientation Relationships (SSML-MOR)
A mailing list for heterosexual spouses and/or gay, lesbian or bisexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages. The spouses on this list are trying to work through relationship problems after the coming out of the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse. The goal is constructive resolution of problems so that a positive relationship can be maintained or restored.
To subscribe to ssml:
Send a blank email message to firstname.lastname@example.org
Note: Due to AOL security policies, we do not subscribe AOL email addresses;
Likewise do to recent changes at Yahoo, we do not subscribe Yahoo email addresses either; please get a gmail, Hotmail, or similar type address before subscribing.
Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage (MMOM)
MMOM is a support group for either or both members of a mixed orientation marriage or relationship working to remain monogamous..."Monogamous" means that the partners are sexually exclusive with each other.
To subscribe to MMOM:
Send a blank email message to mmom- email@example.com or visit the web page at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mmom/
Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW)
This group has been created for those who are in mixed orientation marriages. Straight spouses who are married to gays or bisexuals and also the married gays and bisexuals themselves. This is a support group only. A place where we can get together and discuss ways we make our marriages work in a positive way.
To subscribe to MMOMW:
Send a blank email message to firstname.lastname@example.org or visit the web page at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/
Spouses Out To Their Spouses (SOTTS)
SOTTS is an Internet mailing list for bisexual, gay, or lesbian partners in mixed orientation relationships who are trying to keep their marriages intact and for keeping the relationship positive for those couples who are separating or divorcing. The SOTTS List is not moderated; it is a closed list so that only les/bi/gay spouses will be members. The subscription list is private.
To subscribe to SOTTS:
Send a blank email message to email@example.com or visit the web page at http://www.topica.com/lists/sotts
Bisexual Married Men of America (BMMA)
BMMA is an unmoderated email discussion group comprised of bisexual and gay married men. Exchanges are by email. The discussion topics range from the spiritual, to sexual, to issues that all gay or bisexual married men face.
To subscribe to BMMA: Visit the BMMA Website and click on the subscribe link at the top left of the page.
Husbands Out to their Wives (HOW)
HOW is a moderated list that includes bi/gay members who are married, separated, divorced, or in the process of getting a divorce. Most are out to their spouses. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
Married Men's Group
The Group is for men who are, or who have been in relationships with women and who also have sexual feelings for other men. The group is an open, relaxed and highly confidential space that allows men to explore and talk openly and frankly about their feelings and experiences, without being judged or coerced into one particular direction. All volunteers and group members are in, or have been in, relationships with women so can understand and offer mutual support to other men in the same situation as ourselves. Webmaster's note: This group is based out of Manchester, UK.
Visit the web page at http://www.gaymarriedmen.co.uk/gmm/
For Couples Only: