Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I hadn't plan to write this post. On the whole I think issues related to the marriages of bisexual men are much more interesting than my spectacularly pathetic dating life. But because I have a reputation for being negative about my future I thought I'd better post something positive before my usual cynicism returns.

Last Thursday I added a face picture to an otherwise empty profile on Grindr. The response I've received since then has given me a much needed boost.

In my typical over-thinking way (I'll take too much thought over too little any day), I have logged the number of hours that I've spent on Grindr and how many different guys have initiated chats with me in that time.

In the face picture I chose I'm expressionless. It's intended to give me a baseline indication of how attractive other men think I am. In roughly 26 hours of idle Grindr time, I was messaged by 7 different guys. I have no idea if that is good, bad or average for a 45 year old, but, hell, it's way better than zero, and that is good enough for me.

A few days ago I changed the picture (but kept the empty profile) to a face and torso shot. I'm wearing sunglasses so the picture mostly emphasizes my body. In 23 hours of idle Grindr time thus far, I have been messaged by 17 different guys.

If I compare the response rate for each photo I can safely conclude that if I put a bag over my face and show just my body, I'm 2.5-3x as likely to be approached compared to having only a face picture. Do I care that a body shot makes me much more popular? NO. At this point, I'm just glad that anyone finds me attractivel.

Having never interacted on Grindr before, I didn't know what to expect. I had (and have) no intention of hooking-up with anyone so I honestly expected to be immediately blocked as soon as I said as much. And that did happen, once. Rather shockingly everyone else has at least been polite and a number of guys have been chatty. Only one guy of the 24 total said he's more interested in finding a relationship than a hook-up, but hey, it's Grindr.

In addition to receiving a number of unsolicited compliments, my ego was further buoyed by the fact that 70% of the guys who messaged me were younger. This is a case of the tail wagging the dog, to some extent, because roughly 70% of the guys on Grindr are younger, BUT, I am not complaining. In fact (and maybe I'm delusional here) I think, if I had been willing to hook-up, I could have gotten naked with a (supposed) 18yo, a (hot) 24yo, a 27yo, a 31yo and a 32yo. Not that I'm keeping track, of course.

The most interesting conversation I had was with a married guy who looked to be very near my age. He had no picture in his profile but he sent me one. He was good looking and just my type. Best of all (at least to him) he was less than a mile away. He made it clear that he wanted to get down to business right away. Oh wow, was I tempted. But I didn't tell him so. Instead I politely said I couldn't meet. Then I asked if he lived in the area. No, he was passing through. He then told me the location of the three houses where he does live. All of them were in very expensive locations. I'm not sure why he told me that, probably because it's fun to brag, and yes he could totally be lying, but I don't think so. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I found myself thinking, "Goodlooking, my type, my age, AND a member of the 0.5%? Yes, I WILL be your fuck buddy."

I'm not sure if I'm glad to know that I can be tempted by sex and money, but apparently it's a fact.

On the other hand, I haven't been pouting about that missed opportunity so that says something. Still thinking about it makes me smile.

Anyway, as I said in my last post, all I've needed was SOME kind of validation that someone finds me attractive. Well that's happened and it's given me the confidence I needed. Now I know, in a worst case scenario, that no matter how many times I get ignored or rejected on a "real" dating site, I can always hop on Grindr. And once there for an hour or so, I can find a local guy who wants to make me his cheap whore. Thank God for Grindr.


  1. Too funny. I also get way more responses to just a picture than if I included a profile along with the same picture. They are interested in the body/face but when you start attaching the stats, they lose interest unless the age is still under their limit. Those numbers have power or meaning to many guys. I think you did pretty well for your first time out. Now you have to use that fresh new profile to your advantage. After a week, it will become stale and no one will be contacting you unless they are new to the area and interested in you. Have fun with the sugar daddy.

  2. You have/had no intention of hooking up? Hmmmm...why? Didn't we establish that sex is necessary upfront? Why don't you chat with the guys you like for a few days, and if you decide to meet keep an open mind about what will happen.

  3. Those numbers are pretty good for Grindr (in my experience). Glad to hear it's boosted your self confidence. Keep up the good work. :)

    Oh - and I agree. Do the rich guy.

  4. There is something I just don't understand. Why all of this "no hooking up" rule?

    It's not just you, but several of my internet blogger friends seem to have this rule.

    And I'm not knocking it. It's just not my style. So, I'm seriously asking why no hookups?

    Is it because sex can ruin a friendship? Sex can ruin a relationship? Is it because if a guy you meet wants to hook up, he's a slut, and doesn't qualify to be your friend? Is it because if YOU hook up, that means you're a slut, and you won't be deemed a worthy partner, or date-able? Are you afraid of sexually transmitted diseases?

    I'm guessing the reason for the bo-hookup rule will be different for everyone, but what's your deal?


  5. Getting compliments - in however indirect a manner - is always enjoyable. I discovered a guy trying to "peek in" on me unobtrusively at a resort once; he seemed so bashful about it after getting caught I couldn't be angry, and it was a clothing-optional resort anyway so not like he wouldn't have seen anyway. Plus, he was cute, but obviously too embarassed to join me at the hot tub.

    Regarding "no hooking up" - we live in a very puritan society, and most people live in one of two spheres: either subscribing to the "sex only has meaning in a relationship" concept or totally abandoning it and going to the "sex with anything that moves" (well, not really) concept. I'd say that, in TL's case, if he's still in a psychologically unstable position (trying to find his mental footing, as it were), hooking up randomly might be a bad idea, especially as he's "been there" before.

  6. Validation of physical attractiveness is always a good thing. But you have intelligence and senstivity going for you too!

  7. MM - More and more I am convinced than an empty profile is the best profile. Any information you provide can be seen as a negative, whereas with nothing, they're forced to say hello.

    RB - My jury is still out on sex upfront. I do agree that being open to hook-ups means you meet more guys and therefore your chances of meeting someone you click with is better. As for why no hook-ups, see below.

    NL - Rich guy is gone. He probably blocked me since I wouldn't hook-up. You are the Grindr expert so if you say the numbers are good, I'm stoked.

    Jack - You've mentioned some of my concerns, and there are others too, including what Austin has so astutely observed. I don't object to others hooking-up, so my reasons pertain only to me. Honestly the most important reason hook-ups don't interest me is because I don't enjoy them. I don't feel isolated from human contact because I have my kids and hook-up sex has seldom been memorably good. (Memorably bad is another story.) The "cost" in terms of time and worry compared to the low "return" makes hook-ups way more of hassle than they're worth. At least for me. I'm sure others have their own reasons.

    Austin - I'm sure there's always a long line to peek at you. As I said above, your comment about me was astute. Hooking-up definitely has the potential to mess with my head and that's not something I need right now.

    Bill - Thanks for the compliments, I really, really appreciate them!

  8. dude, having sex doesnt make you a slut/whore. sex is a normal physical drive/need. now get on gridr and get laid already! play safe, but get out there. i think you will find a whole new lease on life afterwards.