Saturday, March 10, 2012

Reply to a Bible Literalist

In 1999, Dr. Laura Schlessinger "America's #1 Female Talk Radio Host" outraged the LGBT community when she called homosexuality a "biological error."

Also in 1999, in response to a fax sent into her show that said pedophilia has nothing to do with sexual orientation, Dr.Laura said, "That is not true. How many letters have I read on the air from gay men who acknowledge that a huge portion of the male homosexual populace is predatory on young boys?"

Around the time of these and other ridiculous remarks, a Dr. Laura "fan" published a letter to her on the Internet. If you've never seen this letter before it's definitely worth reading:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

I'm still working a post about the "win win" solution for married bisexual men. I hope to be able to publish it very soon.

I hadn't intended to write about dumb 'ol Dr. Laura but when I saw this letter it was too good not to share.


  1. That's the problem with taking the Bible literally. That and doing so won't leave time for anything else.

  2. The West Wing incorporated this letter into an episode ("The Midterms"). The scene is also too good not to share:

  3. The problem is this kind of logical reasoning does not change how literalists think, they don't care if the Bible is full of contradictory teachings and rules. They just want some moral backing to their predispositions and biases.

  4. Cameron, I had heard this a few years ago on the TV show the West Wing. It was great then and great now. Thanks for reminding me of it.

    Jack Scott

  5. I also like what Jesus said about homosexuality, which is....nothing. I think Anonymous is right, however, logical reasoning really does not affect bible literalists. They have checked their brain at the door of the church and cannot think for themselves.

  6. Well what about lust and sexual sin??? Oh yeah I forget the gays and bisexuals don't like to think it's wrong because of sin in sex with their hearts!! Read your bible!! Homosexuality is wrong !! It perverted the creation of life and the purity god intended for sex to be in a marriage. Twist it how you'd like. But sin is sin. None greater or less in the eyes of god it's all filth.