Friday, June 22, 2012

Sex/Relationships/Asexuality/Dating/Coincidence

Huge numbers of married men fantasize about sex with other men.  No one knows how many, but it's at least 1 in 10 and probably closer to 1 in 7.  If you go to a shopping mall, a baseball game or an amusement park, look at "the masses" and do the math - the numbers are amazing.  You can literally walk by another "curious" guy every 15 seconds.

The thing about man-on-man sex is, not many of the participants are interested in an actual relationship.  Sex is one thing but wanting a relationship would be "totally gay."

One of the reasons I've always felt that gay is the appropriate label for me is because after I cum all over a guy's face, I want to snuggle with him, then shower with him, then get dressed and do something totally mundane with him, like go grocery shopping together.  Clearly, I'm a total fag because we all know that a genuinely bisexual man would cum, cuddle, shower and then LEAVE, probably never to return.

Here's the weird thing...now that I'm going on dates with other domestically-minded homosexuals, why is that I have yet to feel any sexual attraction to one of them?  They're gay, I'm gay, we like to cuddle...let the flirting begin!  Right?  That's what I expected, but that's not what has happened.

I'm beginning to wonder if there's something queer about my lack of attraction to other gay men.  What kind of homosexual has no sexual or romantic interest in other homosexuals?

One guy I've met is Nick.  He's older than me, 53.  He looks good for his age.  He's in shape.  He's intelligent.  We have interesting conversations.  He frequently tells me how cute he thinks I am.  And yet...I don't want to even accidentally touch him.  On our first date in January he tried to kiss me.  My instinctive reaction was to turn away, which is what I did.  But I also went a step further and (unintentionally) flashed him a severe look of distaste.  I didn't mean to be rude but I couldn't help myself.  There was no way I was going to kiss him.

Nick is the only guy who has recently tried to kiss me.  All of my other dates have known better than to try.  I think the fact that I exude the physical warmth of Frosty the Snowman has given them a clue.

Maybe because Nick was a glutton for punishment, he became my biggest fan.  He emailed me all the time and kept asking for a second date.  I always said "that would be great" and then I left it up to him to make it happen.  Hey, I'm a busy parent with an inflexible schedule!  Well, after dodging him for three months he finally suggested a day and time that worked - for my very first second date, a night at the symphony.

About three weeks prior to that second date with Nick, I had a first date with a guy named Erik.   I liked Erik.  In fact he's been the only guy who has caused some slight tingling in my nether regions.

Erik was the one who initiated first contact.  I probably wouldn't have ever messaged him because his pictures made him look odd.  In person he was kind of cute.  What I found most attractive about him was his somewhat goofy, chatty personality.  As I've mentioned before, I was convinced that I was destined to be matched with an introvert, but it was during my date with Erik that I realized, no, opposites do attract.  My friend Chet is a chatty extrovert and I get a huge kick out of him.  The same was true for Erik.

When Erik and I set-up the date I misunderstood the timing.  He expected us to go on a long walk through the park and then have dinner. Somehow I missed the dinner part and when the our walk was over I apologized because I had to get home.  It was a Sunday and that's family dinner night.

As I drove home I thought about whether Erik was a good match and whether I wanted to see him again.  I definitely did.  The next day we exchanged emails in which we agreed to another meeting, but we didn't pick a date because he was going to be traveling for work for two weeks.  I never heard back from him and didn't think anything about it.  I liked him well enough but I wasn't dying to seem him either.

The symphony date with Nick was on May 5th, the same night as the "super moon."  During the symphony's intermission, Nick wanted to go to the highest outside balcony of the symphony hall to see the biggest and brightest full moon of 2012.  Unfortunately, a very large office building completely blocked the view.  However, as we turned to go back inside, there stood Erik, dressed quite handsomely in a perfectly fitting suit.

Seeing Erik caused a rush of adrenaline to shoot through me.  In an instant I was full of nervous energy and that caused me to jump right in front of him and say a rather loud, "Hello!"  My enthusiasm was tempered a bit when, a moment later, a youngish, full-bodied guy strode to Erik's side.

Erik's response to my hello was to apologize for not contacting me.  I thought it was odd to say that in front of our dates so I brushed his apology off with a very casual, "No problem at all!"  Erik then introduced me to Kyle.  I could tell by the way they were standing that they didn't know each other very well. Then I remembered my manners and introduced Nick to them both.  The four of us had a quick conversation about the super moon and how we couldn't see it.  Erik then asked if I'd take a picture of him and Kyle against the background of the City, which I did.

As we parted company I realized that I would have much preferred to listen to the rest of the symphony with Erik and not Nick.  That realization sealed Nick's fate.  From that moment on I knew I could never be romantically attracted to him.

Nick and I made our way back to our seats and waited for the second half of the concert to begin.  As we were sitting there Nick said, "I just realized that I've met Erik before.  We both went on the same hiking trip last summer.  I remember that we talked about the best way to get good prices on symphony seats. Wow, what a small gay world we live in!"

The next day I emailed Erik, just to say how funny it was to bump into him.  I also said that I hoped things work out well with Kyle and I told him that he had met Nick last summer.  Erik replied right away.  "We should all go on a hike together," he suggested.  I said, "Great idea!"  but I didn't mean it.  Nick is a perfectly nice guy but he's not the right match for me.

***

I have two more dating-related stories to tell, but I'll have to save them for the next post. This one is already long enough.

19 comments:

  1. Lastly i have find this blog. this is nice information. I am waiting for your next post.


    Get a New Girlfriend

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cameron, perhaps your new found freedom has confused you.

    One of the reasons I know I am a bisexual man is because I have always had an exceptional and vigorous sexual relationship with my wife. I tried sex with other women and it wasn't as good. I was never tempted to try it again after I realized that fact.

    On the other hand, no matter how good sex with my wife has been, the desire for something with men has always been there. I have come to love one or two of my long term buddies, but sex with them was never equal to what I got at home. It never even came close. It was just a relationship that I needed.

    What does all this have to do with your situation? Well, heterosexual people these days have a lot of sexual relationships. That doesn't mean they love all those people or find them even romantically interesting. Its more like just the modern day version of shaking hands. It's the expected thing to do.

    When the right guy comes along, you'll feel the romance, your body and your mind will crank out the hormones and the chemicals that will tell you, you are in love.

    Right now you are just going through the motions.

    A couple of years ago my son who is in his 30's tragically lost his wife. For the last two years he has said over and over again that he can't see himself getting romantically involved with another woman. His wife simply could not be replaced. Well you know what? A couple of months ago he changed his tune. He met a woman. She makes him laugh. He enjoys her company. Romance and all that implies has overtaken him.

    Here in Texas we have a saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Its true enough you can't. But when the horse is ready to drink, and he will be ready, its hard to keep him from drinking.

    Get ready. Romance will find you.

    Jack Scott

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sure hope you're right Jack! The story about your son is both sad and inspiring. It gives me hope. My hang-up is that experiencing is believing. Until something surprising happens I have no choice but to be skeptical. I'm not giving up but I am tempering my expectations. That's probably a good thing.

      Delete
  3. "we all know that a genuinely bisexual man would cum, cuddle, shower and then LEAVE, probably never to return."

    REALLY???? C'mon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You poor bisexuals. You're always being grouped together and labeled in unflattering ways.

      Yes, I'll admit that is exactly what I did. But I had a great time doing it!!! You know why? Because what I said rings more true than false and we all know it.

      Still, you're right, I owe an apology to all bisexual men who want real relationships. I'm sorry.

      Delete
  4. I think Cameron was in his wiseass mode. On the other hand, whether or not intended he intended it to be funny, it's a very hurtful thing for him to say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally intended that line to be funny. In fact, it was my favorite sentence of the whole post. But apparently no one finds me as hilarious as I do. I should keep that in mind in the future.

      As for being hurtful, I apologize if you were offended.

      Delete
    2. That ins't a very heartfelt apology, especially coming after what you just said to Bi_Gentleman.

      No, we don't all know that your joke rings more true than false. And considering that you keep writing about how much you love your wife and want her back, how "gay" are you anyhow?

      Delete
    3. I apologized to ALL bisexual men who want real relationships AND I apologized to you. Now I'll apologize for not being heart-felt enough.

      Check the profiles of the many bisexual men on Craigslist, Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Grindr, and other on-line sites and see how many of them are looking for a relationship. The answer is not many and that is common knowledge. If you disagree or don't believe it, ask 20 men who are familiar with those sites and see how many agree with you and how many agree with me.

      Love is not the same as sexual attraction. Loving a woman does not make me bisexual. Nor does wanting to maintain a 24 year relationship. She made her choice, she had 4 years to reconsider and never hesitated to reaffirm her desire not to be married to me. We will continue to be terrific friends and co-parents but we will never be a romantic couple again. That's how gay I am.

      Delete
    4. I should add: by 'relationship' I mean a full-time commitment that includes doing everyday tasks together like grocery shopping. A friend with benefits is a type of relationship but it's part-time and sex-based. It's not the kind of 'relationship' I'm talking about.

      Delete
    5. But your blog makes it clear that you still pine for a full-time commitment with your wife that includes doing everyday things like grocery shopping. And I get the feeling that if she suddenly came to her senses I wanted to take you back, you'd drop all your same-sex dating in a heartbeat. How gay is that? Not very, if you ask me.

      As you spend more time in the gay community, you'll find that prejudice that passes for the wisdom of experience is rampant. This blog entry is a good example of it.

      As for the bisexual guys on those online dating websites, that's a self-selected pool, and it excludes bi guys who use the label "gay" when they post on those sites because guys like you won't date them. In real life, the pool of both bi and gay men is much more diverse than you give it credit for.

      Delete
    6. But your blog appears to indicate that if your wife somehow came to her senses and said she wanted a full-time commitment, you'd drop everything for her.

      As for the predilections of bisexual men, I don't think online ads are a very good measuring stick. It's a self-selected group, and the guys there aren't always completely upfront when they post. Indeed, some bisexual guys say they are gay because they anticipate that guys like you won't date them otherwise.

      If you ever start spending more time meeting gay and bisexual men outside the context of coffee dates, you'll find that both groups are far more diverse than you given them credit for.

      Delete
    7. You're right. More than a year ago my blog DID indicate that if my wife wanted to reunite I'd take her back in a second. My feelings have changed. I chased her for 4 years and when she shut me down yet again last May, I gave up. Since then she has continued to distance herself from our marriage. Accordingly, my feelings have turned the corner. I've been so badly hurt that I can't go back. I'd done and I'm moving on, just as she has and just as she wants me to (well, except I'm not dating any Asian women.)

      Should I start meeting more bisexual men who are different than the MANY bi-married men I've interacted with over the past 20 years, then I'll be glad to be better informed. Until that happens, my opinions will continue to be based on what I've personally observed and experienced to date.

      BTW, I'd have no problem dating a monogamous bisexual man.

      Delete
  5. I'm attracted to very few guys, romantically, and I can generally tell within 5 or 10 minutes of conversations if it would ever work out. Now, I meet a lot of guys (I relatively frequenly hang out in gay areas, go to gay resorts, etc.) so, even with a one-in-ten-thousand ratio I still meet one or two a year that are legitimate possibilities.

    But that's really it. I can like a guy as a person, even be friends with them - even have sex and enjoy it. But that "spark" is extremely rare.

    I'm okay with that. I don't consider myself the "marrying" type anyway - I'm far too independent a personality to do the 1+1=1 thing - and I'm perfectly content with just having friends and enjoying myself. But I know a lot of people who aren't okay with that kind of life, who feel a need to be part of a couple - who feel like their existence is only valid if they have someone to share it with.

    And yet, while they may go out on more dates and probably have a wider window of what they're willing to "settle for", I doubt they have all that much more cases of that "spark" than I do.

    You're new to the scene. You're not exactly meeting a lot of people yet. Give it time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Austin, I'm am so thankful that you take the time to read my drivel and are kind enough to comment. I found what you said to be incredibly reassuring, largely because I trust your observational and rational talents. I'm sure you're right, the spark must be rare. I will adjust my expectations accordingly. Thanks again.

      Delete
  6. Would it be a good experiment to have a conversation with Nick and tell him directly you're not romantically interested but may be interested in doing things of mutual interest as friends, or something like that? You know, seeing how what may seem like cruel directness (it isn't!) feels in practice? As for Erik, I get that he's involved and doesn't want to get together one-on-one now. Couldn't hurt to keep in touch with him in some way....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good suggestion about Nick. I'll figure out a way to do it that's comfortable for both of us. I don't like confrontation.

      Erik and I emailed a bit after we met. He suggested that I join the hiking group on the 'big' trip this summer. I'm not sure that I can go on an overnight, but we'll see.

      Thanks for your input Jason!

      Delete
    2. Thanks for your reply. You don't like confrontation? That's a shock! Srsly, that's the idea of trying something outside the comfort zone.

      Delete