Friday, July 27, 2012

I Came Out to My Kids

Just a quick update: I came out to my three kids (18, 14 and 12) about an hour ago.

After having a mini-meltdown this afternoon where I felt totally unprepared to take the plunge, Dean helped me pull myself together.  Even with his support, I was still incredibly nervous as I prepared to drop the bomb.

It went very well. Actually, it couldn't have gone better.

One of my goals was to make sure the kids understood how much I love Gabbie.  I left no doubts about that in their minds, yet I still got their full support to find happiness with anyone I want.

I've dreaded this coming out moment for years.  I'm so happy it's over.  But I'm even more happy that it went as well as it did.  There might be ripple effects later, who knows, but I feel very confident about the future.

I got a big surprise too.  My oldest son came out as bisexual.  Now I wonder if he's going to want to gossip with me about hot men.  He already told me that I should "go out to some clubs and start meeting men."  Really??? Wow...

30 comments:

  1. The fortitude that it took you to do this in your situation is unfathomable to me. I'm really proud of you and happy for you, especially being an example for your son. In the midst of my own personal issues right now, I'm happy that someone is having a surprisingly good go of life. I hope this is a good sign of things to come for you and your family.

    -Rob from VA

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    1. Thanks for your very kind comment Rob. Now that I have weathered a long storm, things are looking up for me. I certainly hope that others who go through tough times can be as fortunate. Especially you!

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  2. Wow! Congratulations on the success of this really big step. It was the right thing to do!!

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    1. Thanks Buddy Bear! Yes, it was the right thing to do.

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  3. This is a major step and I'm glad it went well. I'm sure Dean's support was monumental in moving forward with this!

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    1. I'm glad it went well too. I had to blow off some pent-up anxiety and Dean was there to listen.

      I can't honestly say that he had any advice that made a difference BUT the fact that he was available to listen was extremely helpful. I got to say a lot of the things I'd been thinking and that cleared some of the clutter in my head.

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  4. Wow I mean really. This can only help your life and your kids moving on and understanding.

    I wish I had the situation and courage to do that. I have 3 kids (19G, 17B, 13B)and the oldest would be totally accepting of the gay part, the separation part, maybe. The 2 boys? They might never want to be seen with me again.

    Roger

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    1. One of the reasons I have such supportive kids is because I have always been supportive of them. If you have a good relationship with your boys, and if you share some of your struggle with them, you might be surprised by how forgiving they could be. With that said, one of the big reasons I think my situation turned out well is that I chose to slowly peel the bandaid from the wound rather than rip it off. Are you thinking of making a change?? If so, that would be surprising. You seem to be in the comfort zone I was in for many years.

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  5. I need to hear the good stories. I know it can go well. Congratulations.

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    1. I've been told that most kids accept their parents' coming out well. I'm sure glad my kids did!

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  6. Wow! This is great! I'm so glad it went this well. Did your coming out inspire your son to do so? That's really amazing.

    I think the timing on this was good too. It's clear that your kids are feeling close to you right now because of the living situation. The fact that you were able to be honest with them will probably endear them even more to you.

    At this point, you might be a little conservative with flaunting your sexuality. Checking out guys if your son brings it up is probably fine. Having Dean over for dinner... maybe that could wait until they really let it sink in.

    Congratulations on this step. I'm really proud of you!

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    1. Hey Mack!

      Yes, my coming out did inspire my son to do so as well. He's a sweet kid but he's also pretty immature for his age. For that reason I think it's important that I continue to be more of a parent to him than a buddy. We definitely won't be checking out guys together if I can help it.

      My goal for the next few months is to work Dean into my home life. No one knows about him...yet. I wanted to come out, "date" for about two months and then gradually start talking about him. In theory our relationship MIGHT be to the point where we could celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas together, but we'll see. I can be very patient if that feels like the right thing to do. In the meantime, I haven't changed how I behave at all.

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  7. Congratulations!!! Glad to hear it went well!!!

    That should lead to an interesting dialogue between you and your son... that could lead to a really incredible bond.

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    1. Hi Mike! Thanks for you congratulations! I think, in time, my coming will lead to an even better bond with all my kids, especially my oldest. We've always been close but this revelation is certain to make us closer.

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  8. that's awesome!! sounds like things in your life are going really well.

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    1. Yes, things are going well. What's that feel like?????? It's been so long I can't remember.

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    2. no matter what happens between you and dean, i'm happy that he's given you the courage to bring your life in the right direction. it's amazing what the support of another man can do!

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  9. That is just wonderful! It's a big f-ing deal to come out to your kids. A huge weight off your shoulders.

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    1. Yes it was a big f'ing deal to come out! I'm glad it's over and done. This was a very important step for me as I begin to rebuild my life and go forward in a much more positive direction.

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  10. Congratulations! Coming out to my kids (ages 24 and 21 at the time) was the biggest milestone for me. It was actually the start of coming out to the rest of the world and I now consider myself no long closeted!

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    1. It's true that coming out to the kids makes it much easier for me to imagine coming out to other members of my family and friends. I've chosen my direction so there's not much reason to keep hiding. Still, I'm not in a hurry. I've found that an incremental approach to change works very well for me.

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  11. You may have to change your internet handle (TwoLives), eh? :)

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    1. For me "TwoLives" has meant wanting aspects of both a straight and a gay life. After leading an essentially straight life for 45 years, I'm ready to start my second life as a man who is in a romantic relationship with another man. In that regard, I've started my second life.

      I still have plenty of work to do, however. In many ways, I still feel far more straight than gay. It's for that reason that I feel like the handle "TwoLives" still applies to me.

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    2. Far more straight than gay? Maybe you're bisexual or one of the early postlabel humans.

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  12. Cameron,
    You have been dreading or avoiding or over-thinking this for so long, while many of us were trying to convince you to take the leap of faith and trust the love of your children. Yet that is all so easy to say - and enormously difficult to do. I am proud of you and it confirms for all your loyal readers our sense that your kids do deeply know who you are as a loving father, the emotionally stable center of the family, and in all ways due great respect for your values and commitments.

    This news about your son puts this in a different light too - as young people are all working on defining their identity, and sexuality is a big part of this, it give him a place of comfort to have a father who can understand him and help him. Where he lands with this is still to be determined of course, and it is hopeful that this younger generation can admit their inner secrets and desires and feel some safety with some friends and parents to explore what they really need.

    I have been away from the internet for a week so missed this great news when it happened - a hearty if late congratulations to you, and what a relief!

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  13. My husband just came out to our kids on Monday. They are 14 and 18. We told them the whole truth of why we are separating and beginning divorce. It's going to be a long road. That's a lot to comprehend.

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  14. Came out to my wife and kids four years ago. One kid...my son...rejected me...felt the need to "protect" Mom - from what ? He eventually misunderstood an incident - assaulted me. His and my relationship circled and entered the drain...placing my wife in the middle. She and I eventually separated - no divorce. My daughters are loving and accepting. It was a painful but necessary path if I was to be happy - I am - have been since the day I came out. No longer a cloud of sadness. My only words of advice to you and other guys - follow your heart and be understanding and compassionate for those you love. It will take time but eventually all will find peace. Namaste.

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