Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Date with Dean

My first date with Dean was a coffee date.  It lasted three hours and would have continued much longer but I had to pick up my kids.

It was a perfect first date: fun, relaxed and friendly.  The conversation flowed easily, without any awkward pauses, and the more Dean talked, the more I wanted him to say.

Some of you might remember that I was beginning to wonder if I might be asexual.  I'd been on a dozen decent dates but never felt attracted to any of them.  With Dean, there was an instant attraction that grew more intense the longer we talked.  In fact, when it was time to say goodbye, the sexual heat between us could not be contained; before we parted we had a short, hot make-out session in my car.

It was amazing to want Dean so badly and to feel like he wanted me too.  It was an awesome first date.

The thing about first dates, though, is they can be deceptive.  When you're "in the moment" you can do, say or think things that you later question.  Second dates tend to be "more real" just because you're more relaxed with each other.  If Dean really is my One, I thought, then our second date would be a good indication of whether we were destined to be together - or not.

One of my concerns about a future with Dean was his ridiculous work schedule.  If it took him more than three months to schedule a first date, how long it would take him to schedule a second one?!!  The answer: three days.

Our second date began the same way our first date ended - with a hot make-out session.  I came to his apartment and he greeted me with an eager kiss.  That kiss lead to another and in an instant we were going at it hot and heavy on his living room futon.  After about five minutes, he said in frustration, "Argh!  This futon is too uncomfortable.  Would it be ok if we moved to the bed?"

I haven't given Dean a proper introduction, and now that he's suggested that we move to the bedroom, this is probably a good time to do so...

Like me, he's 45 and he has three kids.  Two of our three kids are only a few months apart in age.  He's been divorced for three years and was married for about fourteen.  He fooled around with a number of guys in high school but never thought he was gay because of his religious upbringing.  He was a good church boy, who sang in the choir, which is how he met his wife, a good church girl.  Of course his attraction to men never went away and after struggling with it for many years, he eventually accepted himself as gay.  A short time later he told his wife, then his kids, and filed for divorce.  Interestingly, his wife was very supportive of him.  She knew their marriage wasn't right and was thankful to know the truth.

Since coming out, Dean only briefly dated one guy.  He fell for him right away but soon discovered that the guy had lied about several important things. To have the relationship crash and burn so fast was a major disappointment to Dean.  However, instead of moving on to the next guy, he buried himself with work.

When he told me that story, I was somewhat surprised by his decision to come out.  Why turn your kids' lives upside if you're not going to actively date?  "It was important to me to be honest and to live an honest life."  Interesting.  I certainly never felt that way!

When it comes to sex and relationships, I've had a lot more experience than Dean but a lot less than the typical 45yo gay man.  My longest 'real' relationship with a guy has been nine weeks, but if you count a friend with benefits situation it was seven years.  I fooled around with a lot of guys in my 20s and early 30s but the last time I was regularly having sex with a guy was more than nine years ago. It's been so long that one of the dating rules I set for myself was to wait until the fourth or fifth meeting for sex.  I really didn't want to get in the habit of turning dates into hook-ups AND it had been so long, I knew I'd be all thumbs.   If I attempted sex on the first or second date no guy would ever call me again.  If I waited until the fourth or fifth date, I might get a second chance.

During our three month email courtship, Dean and I talked about whether sex-on-the-first-date was something we'd do.  Neither one of us would, we said, and we agreed that waiting until the fourth date would be best.  Which brings me back to Dean pulling me into the bedroom only five minutes into our second date: based on our earlier conversations, I totally expected that we'd stay clothed and enjoy some good old fashioned making out.  And that's what we did...for about 10 minutes.  Then our shoes came off.  Then our shirts.  Then our pants.  Socks.  Underwear.

It was so crazy to want someone so badly but to simultaneously wish we weren't naked.  It was fantastic to be in delirious rapture but also frustrating to be thinking, "it's too soon, it's too soon."

Whether it was too soon or not, it didn't matter.  Dean was hot and being with him made me giddy with joy.  There was no way I could resist him.

Because we were quasi-virgins, I expected our sexual repertoire would be pretty simple.  Lots of body contact, some frot, definitely some oral and probably some mutual stimulation to finish.

We did all that, and more.

It turned out that Dean, the guy who said he'd only bottomed once in his life (and that was 25 years ago when he was a drunk teenager), wanted to go all the way on our second date.  I couldn't believe it.  No sex until the fourth date and now that???

As shocked as I was, a short time later that was exactly what we were doing.

And wow, were we doing it well!  I think there's a straight sex cliche' about "sliding into home plate."  Well, that's how it felt to be with Dean.  I'm far from being a very experienced homo, but within my limited experience, I've never seen someone take to bottoming so effortlessly.  And to say that he "rocked my world" is a huge understatement.

Our date was seven hours long.  Five of those were spent in bed.  It was a remarkable day, and not just because the sex was so awesome.  We spent a lot of time talking and cuddling and getting to know each other better.  Being with him was so easy and natural that the conversation flowed through a whole variety of subjects.  Probably the most interesting thing we talked about was marriage.  Not just to our wives, but about, maybe, someday, possibly, getting married to each other.

Seriously??!  Who is stupid enough to talk about marriage on a second date?  Apparently we were.

Our third date was three days after the second one.  It was a five hour date, three of which were spent in bed.  But before going there, I proposed that we go together to be tested for HIV.  This was something my boyfriend from a very long time ago had wanted to do, and the idea always stuck with me.  Call me strange but there's something incredibly romantic about going together to be tested.  It turned out that Dean, without any prompting from me, thought the idea was extremely romantic too.

Once we got our negative results, we went back to his place and reached new sexual highs together with no barrier between us.

As I drove home from that date, it hit me that Dean was one of several men.  Either he was stupid, reckless and a player, or, he was stupid, reckless and naive, or, he genuinely liked and trusted me.  Yes, I had tested negative for HIV but the antibodies don't show if you've recently been infected.  And, wearing a condom doesn't just protect against HIV, it helps prevent many other horrible diseases like Hepatitis and genital warts.  Dean literally put his life at risk when he chose to bareback with me.  What kind of man makes a decision like that on the second date?

A man who sent me over the edge.

I'll tell you what happened in my next post.


  1. wow. this sounds amazing. sometimes there is an undeniable attraction and any preconceived notions about 'waiting' go out the window when you feel the real-life chemistry with another man. it undeniably sounds like you and dean have something incredible. i'll leave any commentary about bare sex out of this. can't wait for the next one..

  2. Awesome. Things are sounding very good for you.

  3. A kind of man who believes what you say and how you are. After hearing your history, getting a sense of you and your mind, he's going to think that you might be an irresponsible sexual adventurer? Come on!

  4. Cameron
    This is such a wonderful breakthrough for you - the passion you two fell into, despite the rehearsed vows and mentally constructed armor you each put on in advance, reveals that you have this chemistry between you that is undeniable. Don't overthink it - a huge tendency of yours clearly. The fact you have already had all these hours of exploring one another's body and finding your positions of greatest comfort already, this is indeed a match that has electricity already.

    I felt this way with my lover Jake on the very first in person meeting we had - after many months of e-mailing, calls, and lots of logistical barriers. So I can relate strongly to what is happening to you now. I hope you are grinning a lot more now and feeling so much more alive and you certainly are radiating things back and forth to one another - great mutual sex, where there is a deep sense of connection and all body merging, builds quickly into an emotional tie and that then infuses the next round of physical intimacy with even more erotic pleasure.

    Too early to call it love perhaps, but then you, of all people, reveal that you two even talked about an ideal future with a partner/man as your vision - this is all so uncharacteristic for you, he has clearly unleashed some things in you that your rational, analytical dominant side kept deeply submersed. You are falling for one another, allow yourself to say that and feel that - I am thrilled for you!!

  5. Well, that was fast.