The other day my 14 year old son told his mother that she didn't deserve any alimony.
He wasn't angry when he said it, he just felt like spontaneously sharing his opinion.
To say that Gabbie was hurt is a monstrous understatement. Of all our kids, he's been the most supportive of her. Yet now he doesn't think she deserves any money?? His words literally caused her to double over.
As a rule, Gabbie does not fold under pressure. She fights back. She's quick witted with a razor-sharp tongue. Anyone who thinks they're going to get the best of her is in for a surprise, because once you take a swing, you'd better be prepared to get verbally stomped into the ground. For her to show any weakness was unprecedented.
Still, it didn't take long for her to recover and deliver a blistering reply. Normally she attacks the attacker. This time she attacked me.
I wasn't home at the time so I don't know exactly what she said but it must have been very, very ugly. I know that she bashed my sexuality and did so in a way that was so offensive to my son that he still refuses to tell me what she said. I also know that he defended me by asking if Gabbie felt the same way about our oldest son. That question was a brutal blindside - she had no idea that our oldest identifies as bisexual. She was so shocked by the news, and responded so poorly, that my middle son ended the argument by screaming at her, "No mother of mine would talk that way about her own son! If that's what you think, then YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!"
I heard him screaming those words as I walked into the house.
"WHAT is going on?!!" Neither of them would tell me.
Without speaking, Gabbie walked out of the room and began to sob so loudly and so forcefully that the entire house shook. The darkest day of her life was when her dad died. She cried long and hard then. But this time she cried longer and harder.
Now that her most loyal kid has "turned" on her, Gabbie has decided to move completely out of the house. She had been spending half her time with us and half with Charlie.
She says she's never coming back. I believe her.
Many men would say "good riddance" but that's not how I feel. Her horrible, house-shaking grief has touched me deeply. Not because I feel especially sorry for her, but because hearing her cry made me realize how much grief we've both kept locked inside since our break-up. In that respect, her pain is my pain.
There's no question that Gabbie is flawed. There's no question that she's made bad decisions. There's no doubt that she's very selfish and controlling. And yet...it honestly breaks my heart that we're not going to spend the rest of our lives together.
We're rapidly approaching the end of our days together. Soon, I'll have a new place, a place for just me and the kids. Soon, our finances will be completely separate. Soon, she'll be stuck with a shitty life with an asshole boyfriend, while I hope to achieve the opposite. The end of "us" is coming and I have to say...
...this ending feels all wrong.
This wasn't what was supposed to happen.
I feel like I'm a time-travel movie, with an alternate reality where what "really happened" has been changed and now everything feels wrong.
I've been trying to shake this feeling for more than a year but I haven't been able to do so. I don't know why.
As much as I empathize with Gabbie's pain, when I think about only myself, I don't regret splitting up. She's held me back in many ways, and hollowed me out, and now that I have some distance from her I know that I don't want to go back to our old relationship, even though I love her dearly.
I expect a lot of people would tell me to stop worrying about her, but that's not the way love works for me.