I asked my wife what she defined as cheating, is it just sex with other people? and she said "going outside the marriage for things you could be getting from inside the marriage". So no, not just sex, kissing, hugging, loving, those types of things constituted cheating as well.I wonder how many other married men have anal sex with an abusive boyfriend just because it makes them feel normal. I've never really heard of that before, but maybe I'm naive.
So I discussed "pegging" with her. (her wearing a strap on device to have anal sex with me, as though I'm the female, and she's the male.) She was appalled, disgusted, and completely uninterested.
So no, I'm *not* cheating when I let my boyfriend have anal sex with me. Its not something I could be getting from inside my marriage. There is no kissing, hugging, loving, etc. It doesn't overlap in any way. I never have an orgasm, I don't even get an erection. I'm always safe, and we're both disease and drug free. There's no risk of STDs.
Besides, its not sex I'm looking for. Its abuse. Wonderful beautiful abuse. I get the verbal and emotional abuse from my wife, but she won't abuse me physically the way I need.
I am not gay. I am at most bi-sexual. I LOVE having sex with my wife. She gets me rock hard all the time. I can't get enough of having sex with her. Other hot women turn me on, and make me rubber-neck. I never check out guys. I think many men who engage in this behavior are like me seeking to reproduce physical abuse from their childhoods. And people think that spanking their children is a good thing. I need beat now as an adult because I was beat so much as a child. Its how I feel "normal".
There are other aspects of this comment that I am familiar with. One is that there's a lot of variability in how people define cheating. Is a kiss cheating? A passionate hug? What about masturbating to thoughts of someone other than your spouse? What about putting a penis in your mouth for just a minute or two? There is no universal definition for cheating.
It seems to me that in an authentic, loving marriage, the couple would discuss and agree to a definition - which is exactly what this man and his wife did. And based on his report of their discussion, he is clearly not cheating. Or at least he doesn't think he is.
I won't go so far as to say the man is delusional, however, I'd be far more convinced if he disclosed his activities to his wife and SHE decided he wasn't cheating. It seems rather disingenuous to me to claim fidelity to an agreement but then to hide an activity which (supposedly) would be acceptable. If it's not cheating, why not tell her?
So, yeah...creative definitions of what doesn't constitute cheating are pretty common among men on the down low. No surprises there.
What interests me most about this man is his how he separates a certain sex act from his sexuality. He even says that the sexual act is not about sex at all, but about physical abuse. It's for that reason, in addition to the fact that he doesn't have an erection or an orgasm, that he very logically labels himself as "at most bisexual."
In all honesty, I don't want to understand the physical abuse aspect of the man's down low activities, however, the clear separation in his mind between a gay sex act and his sexuality is something that really fascinates me. It seems to be a common phenomenon; I can't count the number of times I've read stories about men who have sex with dozens, or even hundreds of men, yet they see themselves as straight.
Women, as a rule, never believe that. Their sexuality does not work that way. For them, sex and emotion are closely linked so it's impossible for many of them to imagine that any straight man could have sex with another man, even once, and still be genuinely considered straight. Authentically straight men, they say, don't have sexual contact with other men, ever.
I know what women think and the logic they use, but I'd really like to hear from the guys who have sex with men but are straight. I wish a few of them would clearly explain why a man who mostly (or even exclusively) has sex with men is not mostly gay.
I'd also like to understand why sex with men is not cheating, yet it's still something that must be hidden from wives.
These are not facetious questions. I really would like to understand the answers well enough to be able to explain them to others.
Please, share your thoughts and experiences in the comment box below.