Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sexy Pictures and Me

Sex sells.  Everyone knows that.

If the point of blogging is to be read (or viewed) by the most people, then the most successful blogs are the ones that skip words entirely and instead share lots of sexy pictures, like this one:

Tumblr's relatively quick success compared to Blogger is proof of this, as are other popular websites, like Instagram and Snapchat, which focus entirely on pictures - many of them x-rated.

I like sexy pictures as much as the next guy, and I know if I posted loads of them here every day, I'd get a lot more attention.  But attention isn't really what motivates me to blog.

I did take it as a compliment, however, when several readers asked me earlier this year to please stop writing so frequently about bi men and straight wives and start writing more about myself.  "I want to hear about YOU!" they said.

In response to that feedback, from the end of August until now, nearly every post has been about me.

Well, guess what?  Visits to the blog have plummeted.  They've consecutively dropped every month since August and are now down 62% from that month.  December will have the fewest pageviews since my third month of blogging, which was more than three years ago.  Clearly, not many people are interested in reading about my life, at least in its present state.

That's ok.  The truth is, I don't have a lot going on.

My plan for 2014, therefore, is to return to writing about bi men and their wives.  If something eventful happens in my personal life, I may share that, but for the most part I'll be posting other people's stories.  I'm sorry if that offends or bores anyone, but I think it's a very worthy endeavor.  Almost no one writes about mixed orientation couples on the Internet, yet there are hundreds of thousands of people in exactly that kind of relationship. Unquestionably the subject deserves a great deal more discussion and introspection.  I'd like to do what I can to help make that happen.

With that said, and because this is my last post for 2013, it's an ideal time for me to tie up a few loose ends in my story...

My Big News

Charlie, my former wife's dangerous ex-boyfriend, had an immigration hearing on December 18th.  Prior to the hearing he got a friend to post a bond for him.  Because of the bond, and other promises made with it, the friend had been bragging to his fellow alcoholics that Charlie was going to be released. Well, since the hearing, that same friend has changed his story.  He now says Charlie will definitely be deported.

Yee ha!!!

What the friend says is only hearsay, so until Charlie is confirmed to be out of the country, I won't be able to relax or celebrate.  But just imagining that I'll never see him again is an awesome feeling.  I can't wait until he's officially out of my life forever.

Gabbie & Me

As I described in the post Gabbie Gets a Restraining Order, my failure to get Charlie deported three years ago was what prompted me to come out to my wife (for the second time) and ask for a separation.  I did that because she went back on her promise to be done with him.  After tolerating their outrageous behavior for four years, I'd had enough.

But now that Gabbie really is done with Charlie I've found myself wanting to reunite with her. There are a lot of good, practical reasons to keep a 23 year marriage together, and more than that, I still feel deeply connected to her in a way I've never felt about anyone else.  She's not perfect and neither am I, so maybe the best thing to do is to focus on our good connection and forget about the bad stuff?  What's wrong with spending the rest of your life partnered to your best friend?

I've been seriously wrestling with these thoughts for the past three months but I haven't acted on them.  I have, however, noticed that Gabbie's very platonic attitude toward me has not changed in Charlie's absence.  This in turn has reminded me that NOT ONCE, EVER, has Gabbie expressed a desire for us to reunite.  Also, the fact that she so easily fell into a relationship with such a loser, and so easily forsook me, is very telling about how she felt (and clearly still feels) about our less-than-stellar sexual connection. It takes two motivated people to make a marriage work and nothing Gabbie has said or done suggests that she's interested in patching things up.

I wish I could achieve some inner peace or closure with respect to the end of our marriage, but I'm starting to accept that that may never happen.  Real life is often vague and messy, unlike movies or books or TV shows.  "Shit happens" might seem like a stupid way to describe the end of a long-term marriage, but at this point, that's the best answer I have.  "Shit" exemplifies the bad, painful stuff and "happens" explains that there was no carefully thought out plan.

Anyway, regardless of how mixed my feelings are about her, the bottom line is that Gabbie and I will not be reuniting.  My heart may not like that outcome but my brain says, in the long-run, that's almost certainly what's best for both of us.

The Future

I stopped trying to date men more than six months ago.  I wasn't enjoying the process so my motivation to keep going faded.  At this point, I have to admit that I'm enjoying NOT dating a lot more than trying to date.

This realization has made me wonder if I'm destined to be single forever.

If so, so be it.

My theory on motivation is that people take action when they're ready.  Until then, we lie around or make excuses or philosophize or pretend we're too busy to make changes.  Sometimes we live in fear of change, which is sort of where I've been. 

I was mostly motivated to date because I was afraid of being single and over 50 ('cuz we all know it's downhill from there).  I haven't overcome that fear, but I've realized that being a full-time, responsible, "present" parent is more important to me.  I used to feel horribly guilty about going out on leap-of-faith dates and leaving my kids home alone.  Now I'm happier not having that conflict.

Because my youngest kid is currently in 8th grade I have several more years to go before she's independent.  It's therefore possible that I won't have many (or any) dates to blog about for a long time to come.  The good news is that fewer readers means there's less pressure on me to write about myself.  Knowing that makes me happier too.

I hope I don't sound sad or negative about my future because I actually don't feel that way.  The right stuff will happen when I'm ready for it. In the meantime, I have plenty of unblog-worthy things to do that will keep me busy.

Let's all have an awesome 2014.  That's certainly what I intend to do.

10 comments:

  1. Write about anything you feel moved to write about. It is after all your blog and should serve you first and foremost. Let them go elsewhere if they don't like it.

    And whether you want to reconcile with your wife, find a same sex partner or choose to take a time out from the dating game, that too is your choice as long as you try to act in a way so as not to hurt the others in your life. I always find it amusing how so many commenters are more than willing to support and cheer on guys who are reckless and hurt their families but who are critical and impatient with a guy who seeks to understand this dilemma from all the involved parties' perspective. With rights come responsibilities but that's no fun. Especially to a folks who find themselves similarly situated because they failed to see things from other's perspective and have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions ugh

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    1. Thanks for your support Anonymous! I hope you stick around to keep me - and others - on the straight and narrow, so to speak.

      Have an awesome 2014!

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  2. You can't force things based on what you or other people "think you should do." If you're not ready, then you're not ready. Just do what you're comfortable with.

    Being a single parent and working full time as the sole breadwinner is a lot to handle. It's not pretending to be busy, it is busy. That's your reality.

    I liked your personal stories, maybe because it was easy for me to identify with them. The bi-married posts seemed to be an over-analysis of the topic. It's disappointing that your traffic went down. Isn't better to have readers who are really engaged with your story? I hope you will continue to mix in some personal stories.

    This situation with Gabbie is complicated and it seems you just can't let go. What if she moves on to a new bf? Even if you stay best friends, does that mean you have to stay married? Given that she doesn't seem to feel the same way as you do, and you've told her you're gay, maybe you need to rethink this relationship?

    All the best for 2014!

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    1. I'll share any interesting stories, should they happen. Zero dates this year is a real possibility.

      My gut feeling is that 2014 will be an uneventful year for me. I won't mind the peacefulness.

      Undoubtedly, my relationship with Gabbie will evolve over time. How and when, I don't know. If she finds a quality bf I'll be happy for her. Would I then feel less connected to her? I don't know. I'll find out when (or if) that happens.

      You're the one who's going to have a lot of stories to share this year. You're only six months away from a new level of freedom!!! 2014 is going to be a good year for you. I can't wait to hear how it unfolds.

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  3. In my humble opinion, people will read (or at least click on your post) whenever you put something up. You got less traffic when you posted about your own life because you posted fewer entries.

    And of course you're welcome to post what ever you want, it's your blog!

    Personally, I skip over the bi-married stuff you used to post, simply because it didn't interest me. Normal guy having to deal with normal life shit, now that's something I can relate to. Now that I think about it, a guy in entering his 50's and turning into the worlds biggest gay slut, and another guy who's wife prefers an alcoholic abusive illegal Britt, maybe isn't exactly normal everyday stuff.

    I wish you my best for 2014 Cameron. I hope you allow yourself some happiness. I think you deserve it.

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    1. Hey Jack - Thanks for your support! I don't know if you'll find my 2014 bi-married posts relateable or not, since you're single, but I want to do more showing and less telling. Shorter posts too.

      You're right that fewer posts do make for less traffic, but still, on a per-post basis, far more people visit when the posts are NOT about me. I don't take it personally. It's actually a relief not to write about myself.

      Like RB, I think you're going to have a good 2014. You hit a new milestone over Labor Day weekend in 2013. What's going to happen this year? I can't wait to find out!

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  4. I think that your outlook on life is unique, as are the solutions you find for your problems. I cannot imagine anyone else living your life and that makes you fascinating and often frustrating. I find your love/hate relationship with Gabbie interesting. Sometimes you tell the reader that you love her but then tell the reader how much you wish you had a man in your life. It seems that you cannot figure out at this point what direction to take your life and that you cannot commit much to anything.

    But that is where you are and sometimes you share with us much that is not very pretty in your personality. That is honesty. Sometimes it seems to me that you are much more honest with the reader than you are with yourself. We can see the tug of war going on in your head and heart.

    My hope is that you discern the direction of your life and that it will not include much of Gabbie. My hope is that you find happiness and are able to embrace your truest self.

    If I want to read the bi-married stuff, I'll google it. Your life situation is unique. Keep it the way you want it to go. It's your blog.

    You need therapy.

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  5. TwoLives--I was thinking just today, as I was painting a door jamb in my bathroom, it came to me that there is a great inconsistency when it comes to the topic of sexual orientation.

    Current cultural wisdom about orientation is that you should accept and live as you naturally are. You were born this way and you should learn to love yourself as you are.

    As I have talked with others about my situation, gay and bi men have all, every one that I have spoken with face-to-face, has said the same thing. If your husband stays with you and tries to be with only you, the he will be suppressing who he truly is. It isn't healthy for you or for him to deny who he REALLY is.

    Yet, I think about our current cultural acceptance of people who are transgendered. We tell a person, if you feel like you are not a man or not a woman and you feel that strongly enough then you can renounce that fact of biology and choose to not be who you are. You can choose to be someone who you empirically are not. Despite the genital and DNA evidence we support an individual in choosing to be something other than what God gave them.

    We no longer think it is acceptable to excoriate a person because they want to change genders. We don't call it gender identity disorder. Nor is it considered to be a form of mental illness. As a culture we embrace the idea that with the help of medical science and altering ones social presentation they can reject the cards they were dealt, and choose different cards.

    Why then is a gay man, gay woman, bi man or bi woman who chooses to life a different life labeled as self-loathing, or suppressive. Isn't it possible that a person with same sex or both sex attraction to choose a different life for reasons other than self-loathing? Perhaps they formed such a singular bond with a person that they are willing to let goo of a general orientation for a specific relationship, maybe they believe that the biology of reproduction reflects a traditional family structure and they want to offer that to their kids, perhaps they prefer the cultural experience that one offers over the other.

    To me the central issue in this should be that the individual is free to choose. Likewise, they should inform their partner or prospective partner so that they too are free to make an informed choice. This choice can be motivated by a great many factors.

    We blame society, religion and other agents of socialization for forcing people, but in truth, the individual is free to accept or reject the premises of a religion or religion entirely. Plenty of folks reject social norms. While they may endure discomfort, they are still free to live as they see fit.

    If we allow that we can reject our biology and assume a new one. Can't we allow for the individual to choose to become a person who rejects one set of impulses and seeks to cultivate new impulses.

    There needs to be a more expanded discussion about sexuality and life choices.

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    1. Creation - As usual, you've made some interesting points. Rather that respond here, I'd like to discuss this in a future post. I hope you won't mind if it takes a few weeks for me to get that written and posted.

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  6. I found your blog via the bi- analysing posts just a couple of months ago... and I keep reading (with enjoyment!) even the personal ones. Your life is, let´s say, thrilling, your writing skills great and eventhough I appreciate the MOM stories as well (which is somehow obvious, given the fact that I´m a SW myself), I like your personal posts about Gabi and dating and worries and all that stuff too. Crossing my fingers for you and looking forward to your next post!

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