Monday, June 2, 2014

Is my wife dating a gay man?

Now that my wife's ex-boyfriend Charlie is gone forever, it's time for me to write about her new boyfriend, Ken.

I'm not sure how they met or when they started dating.  I believe a mutual friend introduced them last October.

The first time Gabbie mentioned Ken to me was in late January.  At the time, I didn't assign him any importance.  I thought he was just a friend and another permanent resident of the local bar.  I was surprised to learn a few weeks later that they'd already been dating for several months.

I only know a few things about him: he's 49, he's never been in a serious relationship, he's devoted to his mother, "the most important person in his life," and he works full-time coaching teenage boys.
Allan, Ken's "Buddy"

I held my tongue when Gabbie told me those things.  The way she describes him he sounds like Norman Bates - or another closeted homo.

I haven't met him, nor has Gabbie shown me his picture, but I once saw a guy on her phone who seemed to fit his description.  From what I could tell he was rather homely.  That surprises me because Gabbie has no problem attracting men.  I'd expect her to pick someone who's at least average looking.

In terms of his personality and values, Ken sounds much more like me than Charlie. Gabbie says he's quiet and not a big drinker; that family and traditional values are important to him; that he attends mass with his mother every week; and that all his friends describe him as "one of the nicest guys" they know.

Gabbie's relationship with Ken has captured my attention, for a couple of reasons...

About a month ago Gabbie was forced to move.  New owners bought her building and evicted everyone so they could renovate.  Finding a new rental was extremely difficult because the market is tight and prices are at record highs.  Ultimately Gabbie had to downgrade from a two bedroom to a studio AND pay $400 more per month.

Moving all her crap from the two bedroom to a studio was a major chore.  Talk about shoe-horning.  My sons and I did the move, which took us a full weekend.  Ken was nowhere to be seen, nor even heard from.  That angered Gabbie.  When he finally did call, several days after the move was completed, Gabbie berated him.  The next morning he sent her a "I don't think this is working out" text.

Gabbie freaked and called me right after she got the text.  The timing of the breakup was really bad because they'd been planning to spend the weekend together, attending two different parties with her friends.  Both parties required a long drive and Gabbie hates to drive.  What should she do???

I told her to call Ken and fall all over herself apologizing.

To do something like that is not at all in Gabbie's nature.  I can't remember a single time when she ever begged for my forgiveness.  Even a minor apology is a foreign concept to her.  She constantly fights with her (bossy) mother and never apologies.  The same was true for Charlie.  And yet...she did it for Ken.  I was a little surprised. 

The bigger shock was that he relented and they spent the weekend together, as planned.

The following week Gabbie was away with her mother.  When she returned, Ken had a whole new attitude.  Instead of wanting to break up, he told Gabbie how much he missed her and how important she was to him.  As proof of that, he invited her to spend a week with him and his family on a vacation in Mexico, in November.

When Gabbie told me about his invitation my jaw hit the floor.  First the guy wanted to break-up and now he wanted to introduce Gabbie to his family AND have her spend a full week with them??  Wow.

Another thing: now that Gabbie and Ken have been dating for six months, Gabbie feels like it's strange that he hasn't met our kids, especially since they live nearby.  She says Ken keeps asking about them.

As you might remember, Gabbie likes to use me as a buffer when she's with the kids.  It therefore wasn't too surprising when she asked if the kids and I could meet Ken at the same time. 

Even though I knew what was coming, as soon as she asked, my stomach immediately twisted into a big knot.  I don't want to meet this guy! 

Before answering, I had to pause for a few seconds and collect myself.  Then, instead of saying, "Hell no!" like I wanted to, I said, "Sure.  No problem."

Why did I say that?  Because my emotional reaction has no bearing on reality.  The fact is, we're not together and we're never getting back together...but, we get along well. 

More importantly, I need to set a good example for the kids.  That means, whether I like it or not, I really need to be as outwardly supportive of Gabbie and Ken as possible.

Much to Gabbie's disappointment, the kids did not follow my lead.  My oldest, the most easy-going, non-judgmental kid, said, "No.  I don't want to do that.  It would feel awkward and forced."  My middle son said, "Whatever, mom. I don't care," which clearly conveyed that he DID care, and not in a positive way.  After her two brothers spoke up, my daughter said nothing, which was a little surprising because she's critical of everything Gabbie does.

After the kids reacted so negatively, Gabbie decided not to push the issue, for now.  She asked me to "talk to them."  Now I'm supposed to convince them to happily do something I don't want to do.

A meeting hasn't been scheduled yet but it will be soon.  Ug.

More about Gabbie and Ken: Whenever I talk to Gabbie, she talks about Ken.  Having to hear about him really grates on me, in a nails-on-a-chalkboard sort of way.  I've noticed that I frequently hold my breath when she talks about him.  That's my way of keeping my emotions in check.  It would serve no purpose to freak out about him; it's much better that I appear to be calm and relaxed.

One good thing about Ken is that he's given Gabbie a reason to be upbeat.  As much as I don't like hearing about him, I hate it even more when she goes into a negative tailspin and repeatedly complains about how miserable her life is.  Stuff like, "I'll never have anything!  I'll be 50 years old, broke and living in a tiny studio apartment! My kids hate me!  My life is empty and meaningless!"  If talking about Ken makes her happy, I'll take that over the alternative.

On that note, it seems that Gabbie has decided that her chances for a happy future lie entirely with Ken.  More than once she's told me, "I've GOT to make this work.  I can't screw this up.  I may never get another chance."  That makes me wonder if she's setting herself up for a huge disappointment. 

In spite of his professed love for Gabbie, it seems to me that Ken really enjoys his independent life.  I mean, he must, right?  Forty-nine and never been in a serious relationship?  Gabbie requires a lot of attention.  I have my doubts that he's genuinely capable of handling her, especially when I think about his pathetic break-up text.

Whatever the future may bring for Gabbie and Ken, I'm trying to use this experience to rewire my emotional circuitry when it comes to Gabbie.  It doesn't benefit me (or anyone else) to be hurt, jealous or angry that Gabbie is happily dating someone else.  In truth, for as much as I love her, I don't want to responsible for her.  If Ken is eager to step in and commit to her, I should cheer him on.

What's annoying is that my heart feels differently.  Try as I might to change my feelings, I continue to feel a profound connection to Gabbie.

That's what makes saying yes to meeting Ken so difficult.  I'm glad Gabbie has given me time to process this.  I hope, when the day comes, I'll be able to face him and (yuck) give him a big smile and handshake.

Until we do meet, I'll continue to wonder about his sexuality.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I was the third homo Gabbie dated.  As unthinkable as it might seem, maybe she's doing it again?

I have no idea if Gabbie has told Ken that I'm gay but I seriously doubt she has.  My sexuality is an embarrassment to her.  From my perspective, it's better in the short run if he doesn't know, because when we do meet, he'll be getting more than a few gaydar pings from me.  I need a clean read on him to see if he might have any attractions to men. 

As hypocritical as it might seem, knowing the truth about him is very important to me.  If I'm going to support their relationship he has to be straight.  I can't allow her to get involved with yet another homo. 

I'm the last guy who gets that honor.


  1. Something is seriously wrong here. There is EVERY red flag going on with this guy!!

    Strange as it might sound, some women seems to be magnets for gay men. I know a woman who married three gay guys in a row and fathered children with all three of them!. Each marriage ended badly, to varying degrees. Could Gabbie have the same issue?

    I would back off. Let her handle this. You wouldn't want to seem like you're trying to derail this relationship. You can't be her protector always. Look what happened with Charlie...your intervention didn't seem to help.

    Any good news in your OWN life?

    1. Yes, Gabbie could have the same issue as the woman you know. We'll see.

      After I meet Ken and him interact with Gabbie I'll decide what, if anything, I should do.

      I have good news in my own life (see below) but writing about Gabbie is so much more interesting right now.

  2. Good grief. Your ex wife is like heroin and you're a junkie. Toxic. I'm sorry dude. I agree with RB. Stay away. Far away. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and they rarely communicated, and it was fine. I think you're using your kids as an excuse to keep your bad habit.

    Since I too am single and never been in a long term relationship, nor married, nor do I have kids, I realize I'm not particularly qualified to make any judgments either.

    1. "Since I too am single and never been in a long term relationship, nor married, nor do I have kids, I realize I'm not particularly qualified to make any judgments either."

      Ha! I'm sorry to say, Jack, but it sounds like you could be sexually attracted to men. Have you ever fooled around with them? ;-)

      I don't really get the heroin-junkie-toxic idea. I call her about twice a month, always with a very specific purpose. I never take the initiative to make plans with her. If she calls me, sure, I'll talk to her and listen to her stories - they're a lot better than mine. The kids are an excuse for Gabbie and I to interact? Hmm. While it's true that the vast majority of our conversations have to do with the kids, that seems pretty normal to me, especially for couples in our situation.

  3. As a man who was married to a woman and is now married to a man, I'm just so very puzzled why you don't put as much effort into creating a happy life for yourself as you do jumping through emotional hoops for your ex. It's not healthy and not good for your kids. Yes, I have kids. They are now grown and educated and doing great. They would not have done so great if I had behaved the way you are. Get some counseling...and get away from this toxic relationship with your ex. Jeez man. Life is short. Get one!

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, Happyman.

      Perhaps the reason you're puzzled about what I put effort into is because what I post here doesn't reflect my everyday life. Gabbie is terrific fodder for interesting stories. Whenever she gives me good material, how can I not share it??! Other than meeting this guy, I can't think of the last time she asked me to jump through an emotional hoop for her. It's been a while. And truthfully, this is an emotional hoop I WANT to jump through. I need to not care who she dates. Complying with her request to meet Ken will help me accomplish that.

      98% of my life is spent on good stuff: time with my kids, work and time with friends. In the last two years I've gained nearly two dozen good bi or gay friends, most of whom I see weekly at group meetings and at other social events. This week, I have some sort of "gay" event on five of seven days. In a typical week I'll have three or four. I haven't been writing about those things because nothing especially noteworthy has happened. We hang out, we eat out, we go to socials or's a good stuff but it's not blog-worthy.

      Overall, I can't say that my life is super-awesome, but it's pretty good. Pretty low stress, even when Gabbie is involved. I sure appreciate your concern for me though!

  4. Cam. It's good to hear that this Gabby crap is only fodder for your blog, and to be sure, it makes for an interesting tale. Thanks for clearing this up.

    You and I have communicated for a while now, and of course I follow your story when you choose to tell it. It's difficult to watch the train wreck you describe sometimes.

    Was my heroin remark really that cryptic? I've never been personally involved with a (herion) addict, but I was drawing an analogy to their initial infatuation with the drug, their dependence, and difficulty and withdrawal, all from a substance which everyone would agree is bad for them, but is nearly impossible to get away from.

    Oh, and why do you think that mundane coffee and dinner dates wouldn't interest your loyal readers? As one who is testing the more emotional and romantic waters of male-male relationships, I would appreciate the comparison.........and validation! (Dating isn't going nearly as well as hooking up was going.)