Friday, July 4, 2014

How to Vanquish the Ghost of a Boyfriend Past?

It looks like my relationship with Shane is going to remain platonic in the near-term.  His schedule has only allowed us to spend an hour together in the last ten days, and although he texts me on occasion, what he says is more friendly than flirtatious.

Still, I have hope for the future.  He's asked me three different times to describe the kind of man I find attractive.  Each time it's felt like a loaded question, like he's wondering if he's my type.  Why would he keep asking unless he's been pondering our potential?  He's also repeatedly mentioned, with awe, the length of our first meeting.  Whenever he brings it up I want to say, "Yes Shane, IT MEANS SOMETHING!" but I hold back because that's a realization he needs to have on his own.

I'm also hopeful because he recently asked if I was available to go on two different cruises with him, one for four days in July and another for eleven days in September.  Because Gabbie can't cope with watching the kids for even one night I quickly declined both offers, but after thinking about it, I'm wondering if I could get away for four days.

Overall, I feel like Shane and I are circling each other.  Neither of us is willing to pounce just yet (that is, be direct), but we're certainly thinking about it.  I know I am.

In addition to wanting to be confident that Shane's interest in me is natural and authentic, the other reason I'm holding back is because I worry that he's too hung-up on his last boyfriend.  He denies that he is, but the hurt and longing in his voice say otherwise.  I think his denials are more about convincing himself that he's moved on than they are the truth.

Speaking of Shane's beloved ex, I think he's a bit of a bastard.  He broke up with Shane a year ago, after three and a half years together, because he was moving two thousand miles away for school and didn't want to maintain a long-distance relationship.  Yet, that's sort of what they've done.  They Skype at least twice a week and the ex still calls Shane by a pet name.  Even worse, the ex is coming to visit for a week at the end of July, right around Shane's birthday, and they're planning to spend the whole week together - in bed.

The reason I think the ex is a bastard is because he's stringing Shane along.  If he genuinely cared, the ex would commit to the monogamous relationship Shane wants, but he won't do that.  Instead he milks Shane for affection and sex, at his convenience.  How is Shane supposed to heal and move on when he's treated like that?

I told Shane I thought the ex was being cruel by shutting him down and then leading him on.  Shane agreed, but will he do anything about it?  Probably not.  He just keeps repeating that they're not together, that they're never getting back together, and that he's actively looking for a new partner.  That's his brain talking, not his heart.  "We'd still be together now if he hadn't moved away," - that's how he really feels.  Because his head and heart are so conflicted, I don't know which to trust. 

Perhaps the next three weeks will clarify things...

Depending on how aggressive I choose to be, the ex's visit at the end of the month could be considered a deadline.  Do I push Shane to reconsider his one-sided relationship with his ex?  Or do I keep my mouth shut and instead try to spend as much time with Shane as possible, hoping that a romantic connection between us develops?  What if things go very well between Shane and his ex?  Wouldn't it be safer for me to maintain a little distance until the ex has cum and gone?

My thoughts on this are all over the place!

Normally, I'd be content to be patient.  My  relationship philosophy is that the "right" outcome will play out naturally.  If Shane is interested in me, I'll know that, sooner rather than later.  If he's not interested, I'll figure that out too, only it might take longer.  But the specter of his ex standing between us makes me question whether being too passive would be a mistake.  Do I risk getting stuck in the friendzone if I don't make my feelings known before the ex arrives?

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on this situation I'd love to hear them.  Surely I'm not the first person to face this dilemma.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Shane doesn't think Tom Daley is that hot (unbelievable and shocking!!) - Says he's too full of himself


  1. My opinion? Whatever you do, don't push Shane to evaluate his relationship with his ex. After a lifetime of experience I've learned that it's never a good idea. Shane's head knows the truth but his heart isn't ready. The only person he'll resent is you. Been there done that too many times to count even sometimes when I was the one who was being pushed to accept what my head was telling me but my heart wasn't ready to accept.

    Patience is about the only thing you can have. Be friends, if you like him enough for that and you can keep your perspective without getting hurt yourself. And do try to get away for the 4 day cruise. But realize this guy has a foot in two camps right now. Usually the way it works is he meets someone else. Be available but realistic

  2. Give him a reason to forget about the old bf? That's what I'm thinking. I would say don't be super aggressive about it. Be a friend. Try to do the short cruise with him (Gabby needs to step up and give you a break for a few days) or some activity where you'll spend time together.

    Don't get over invested in this! You don't want to set yourself up for disappointment.