Celibacy is not something I particularly enjoy, but at this point in my life I prefer it to sex without emotion.
If I only wanted sex for the sake of no longer being celibate, I could easily arrange that within minutes. The thing is, hook-ups don't appeal to me any more. Been there, done that. I want to progress in life and with relationships, not regress.
I've also "been there and done that" with fuck buddies and friends with benefits, and while I won't say I'd never consider similar arrangements again, I see those as selling myself short, especially after this long dry spell. The next time I have sex, I want it to be with someone I genuinely cherish, not someone who happens to be convenient.
To be honest, I had hoped that Shane and I would be burning up the sheets by now, but that hasn't happened, for a number of reasons:
First, although he appeals to me in ways that no man has in the last two years, I don't like how tightly connected he is to his 23yo ex-boyfriend. They Skype daily and throw "I love you"s around with disturbing frequency. Clearly, they're still infatuated with each other.
Second, I'm unconvinced that Shane has a strong attraction to me. I know I check every box on his list, but he doesn't seem to realize that even though we've been through his list together several times. I don't think I should have to draw a Venn diagram to prove I'm what he wants.
Third, Shane successfully applied for a job transfer back to his hometown which is located more than two hours away from me. If we were to start dating, the burden of the four hour commute would fall entirely on me.
|Desire: a shirtless Ryan Kwanten|
All things considered, and in the immortal words of the Magic 8 Ball, "all signs point to no" - as in: no, Shane and I almost certainly won't be getting together anytime soon. That's disappointing...but it is what it is.
In other news, I recently had an odd experience with another guy. I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe you can clue me in?
Jon and I met through mutual friends. He's 39 and a part-time single dad; he has an 8 year old son from a 12 year straight marriage.
I don't know the full extent of his history with men, but I do know that he's hooked up numerous times over the years. I also know that he struggles with internalized homophobia.
Earlier this year Jon was in a rocky 4-month relationship with a very emotional, very demanding woman. He felt like he was walking on eggshells with her much of the time. Because the woman wanted their relationship to be more serious, he decided he had to be open with her about his attraction to men. When he told her, she was so upset that she spent the next several days combing through Craigslist's M4M ads searching for proof that Jon was cheating on her. When she found what she was looking for, she confronted him.
The problem was, Jon wasn't cheating, nor had he posted any ads on Craigslist. The girlfriend refused to believe him. Eventually, to prove his innocence, Jon had to drop his pants and do a full "penis vs. picture" comparison to show her that his dick didn't match the one in her "gotcha!" Craigslist photo.
That incident was the turning point for their relationship. More than ever, Jon realized that the woman was unstable and not someone he wanted to be involved with in the long-term. A few days later he broke up with her - and she's been relentlessly pursuing him ever since.
I've met Jon four different times. The first time I saw him, I didn't find him attractive. His balding pattern is very much like my father's and any man's resemblance to my father is a major turn-off. When we started chatting, however, I found his story to be pretty interesting. He was obviously carrying around a lot of baggage, so as he talked, I eagerly listened.
It turned out that he had a lot to share, including deep emotions that he'd been holding back his entire life. In fact, the more he talked, the more emotional he became, right up to the point where big tears were glistening in his eyes as he said, "I can't be gay. I don't want to be gay. I've worked so hard...all my life...not to be gay."
Seeing him in pain was extremely moving. It was one of the most raw and honest emotional displays I'd ever witnessed from another man. It left me speechless - and a bit overwhelmed.
Thankfully, two other friends were also listening and they both stepped up to comfort him. After a minute, one of them cracked a joke to break the tension in the room and that worked beautifully. Jon laughed heartily, as if a huge burden had just been lifted from him. Shortly afterward the conversation moved on to more frivolous topics.
The second time I met Jon, he talked more about his ex-girlfriend, who he had barely mentioned before. As he described her behavior I said to him, "Wow, that sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder." He had never heard of it so I told him what I knew. He responded with, "That's really interesting. I'll have to look that up." Then, the next time I saw him, he came straight up to me and very enthusiastically said, "You were SO right about my ex-girlfriend's personality disorder! I read everything I could about it and now our dysfunctional relationship makes so much more sense. Thank you!!" He seemed genuinely grateful, which made me happy.
That same time, the third time we met, nothing else of significance happened but I did notice that Jon actually has a very chiseled and youthful face, despite being follicularly challenged. I found myself admiring his strong cheek and jaw bones, and his wide, expressive eyes.
The fourth time I met Jon was last week. He and a few other mutual friends had arrived at a gathering before me, so I said hello to all of them as a group. Then, a few minutes later, Jon made eye contact with me, which compelled me to ask him what was new. That was our first one-on-one conversation and, quite unexpectedly, I soon found myself mesmerized by his deep blue eyes. As he talked, I enthusiastically nodded, but to be honest, I was barely listening. All I could think about was falling into his beautiful eyes.
As other friends arrived at the gathering, I turned to say hello to them and thereby (and unintentionally) ended the conversation with Jon. Feeling bad about that, I made a plan to chat with him again later, which I did. Mostly we talked about his work and background.
That conversation lasted less than ten minutes...but for reasons I can't explain and don't understand...by the end of it, I felt very powerfully drawn to him.
Unfortunately we couldn't talk any longer because I'd promised to bring another friend to a train station and the friend was anxious to leave. It wasn't until I walked out into the cool night air that I fully realized just how captivated I was by Jon's presence.
After I dropped my friend off and started the 40 minute drive home, my imagination went wild thinking about Jon. Normally I'm a very rational thinker...but not that night. I couldn't control my thoughts, they just keep coming at me: Jon and I kissing passionately...me stripping his shirt off...the two of us joyfully and playfully trying to dominate each other... me taking control of him...him submitting to me...our eyes intently locked on each other as we're face to face...the sensuous glory of a long, passionate kiss that marks the beginning of a hot, athletic romp...an animalistic fuck that culminates in fantastic and simultaneous orgasms for both of us.
The mental pictures were so vivid it was like watching a movie.
I was so absorbed in my thoughts that twenty minutes passed without notice. When I finally did snap back to reality, I didn't stay there for long - great sex turned into a relationship. How often would we see each other? Where would we meet? How comfortable would he be with himself? Could I imagine introducing him to my kids? Etc, etc.
Even after I arrived home, the thoughts wouldn't stop. The hunger to be with him was so intense I had to take the edge off immediately. I went straight to my bathroom, dropped my pants and furiously beat off until I reached an orgasm that couldn't come fast enough. As I climaxed I felt more relief than pleasure, mostly because the intensity of my desire had been so overwhelming.
"What was that all about??" I wondered.
It's been several days since then and I still don't have an answer. Am I just THAT horny? Is eye contact with an attractive man all it takes to send my imagination into a frenzy? Or, is my sudden infatuation a product of something hidden within my subconscious? I mean (and maybe this is wishful thinking) I have this idea that we shared a silent, meaningful connection. Not necessarily an emotional or sexual one, more like a magnetic one. I felt like I was being pulled toward him, by an unseen and irresistible force.
I've never experienced anything like that before so I don't know what to make of it. I've lusted after plenty of men I've seen or met before, but never like this. It feels different. It's not just lust and that makes me wonder if it's pheromones or some strange intuition that we're highly compatible.
The irony is, to even imagine that we'd be compatible is bizarre. One thing he said last week was that he's realized he came out to his girlfriend because he needed an iron-clad excuse to break up with her. It was the only way out of a relationship he didn't want to be in. By confessing that he exaggerated his attraction to men to escape from his crazy ex, he seemed to be saying he's not gay. A little later he also said he pretty much notices only good-looking women, not men.
These statements suggest to me that he's got a long way to go before he'll be ready to try an emotional relationship with a man. If ever. And he's even said as much: "With men, it's always been 'just sex.' I don't know if I'm capable of anything more than that."
In normal circumstances I would never consider having sex with a guy in that state of mind. And even if I did fantasize about sex, I definitely wouldn't imagine being in a relationship with him. I need a guy who's comfortable in his own skin, not someone who's likely to freak out when faced with the responsibilities of true intimacy.
The other (and final) bizarre thing about how I feel has to do with the beginning of this post. Remember how I said I wasn't into hook-ups, fuck buddies, or friends with benefits? Well, apparently I am if Jon is. All I need is his invitation and I'll be naked and ready to go in an instant, regardless of how cheap and empty the sex might turn out to be. Basically I'm willing to have any kind of intimate connection with him, even if it's entirely on his terms and with no strings attached. And I'm willing to do that because...well, I don't know why exactly...just because he's gotten under my skin?
To feel this way is weird and totally unexpected. I don't know what to make of it...or if any of it's real.
Having said all of this, I'm going to try to not make a big deal out of it. I'm going to assume I'm delusional until proven otherwise. The next time I see him, which will be in a few weeks, I'll let whatever is meant to happen, happen.
In the meantime, I really need to take a cold shower - or twenty.