Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Crazed and exhausted from desire

I'm plagued by endless thoughts and fantasies, all of them about Jon.

I've been in a state of constant desire for more than a month.  It's been so intense that I'm physically exhausted.  I wish the fantasies would stop; I want off this ride!

I often wonder if my Jon-infatuation is nothing more than desperation.  I have, after all, been celibate for more than two years.  But then I think about the numerous times when our eyes locked and I felt a deep connection.  I also think about our awesome ninety minute conversation.  It was such an intimate experience for me...how could it have been hum-drum for him?  There must be something going on between us, right?  I can't be this obsessed for no reason.
Meet-up groups - much better than bars

The uncertainty of the situation is driving me crazy.  I'm desperate for a resolution.

With the holidays rapidly approaching I knew I'd only have one opportunity to get clarity with Jon before the new year.  I also knew that I didn't have the stamina to endure another month of emotional edging.  For these reasons I was DETERMINED to make my attraction known to him at our next social event.  When the day arrived, I felt so burdened by desire that I almost didn't care what his reaction was, I just wanted to say the words and get them out of my head.

Here's what happened:

I did a reasonably good job of preparing myself in advance.  By that I mean I felt in control.  The last thing I wanted was to appear needy or crazed.  So, as much as I wanted to run up to him, grab his face and passionately start making out the second I saw him, I kept my cool.  In fact, I did my best to ignore him.  I said hi to nearly every other friend; I avoided walking in his direction; and, I tried not to look at him.  I acted that way because I didn't want to be pathetic, but also because I wanted to observe him.  Did he look my way often?  How long would it take for him to approach me?

It turned out that he's a very stubborn (or very shy, or very disinterested) little prick.  He mirrored my behavior.  He subtly avoided me just as much as I subtly avoided him.  Eventually it got to the point where it was borderline awkward.  He was standing with his back half-turned toward me and I was "busy" looking anywhere but at him.  It was a stand-off to see who would say hello first and set the tone between us.  I was determined to win...but the longer I waited, the more aware I became of a magnetic energy pulling me toward him.  I might have imagined this, but I think he felt it too.  I say this because we both hesitated where we were standing...and then slowly gravitated toward each other...all the while acting preoccupied and oblivious.  At least I was acting that way.

I spoke first, deep from my diaphragm, with my chest puffed out.  If I could've gotten away with saying something as inane as "What's up, bro?" I would have.  Instead I went with, "How are you?  What's goin' on?"

The conversation was relaxed and friendly, but also mundane.  I felt I had to be guarded.  I worried that if I talked too much I'd start to gush and that would be bad.  It was too early in the evening to get into anything.

We didn't talk alone for long.  Several other friends arrived at the party and quickly joined us.  Then the "Tom and Cameron Show" began.

One of my friends, Tom, is what I call "a trouble maker."  He's very funny.  He says slightly outrageous things but in a dead-pan way.  When you first meet him, it's hard to tell whether he's being serious or not.  Now that I know his schtick, I sometimes play along or I sometimes call him on his lies.  The two of us can really get into it, especially if we have an audience:

Tom: "I went to a naked pool party last weekend, but I wore my conservative speedo.  The one with the four inch waistband."

Cameron: "Your conservative speedo?  I didn't think you owned such a thing.  I always think of you as more of a two inch man."

Tom: "How can you say that!  I'm a good Catholic and practically a virgin.  What kind of man do you think I am?!!"

Cameron: "Yes, I know, you're almost a virgin - and you're very shy too.  Especially when you go to naked pool parties nearly every weekend."

Tom: "I'm a very popular guy - I can't help it.  Everybody wants to be with me."

Cameron: "I believe you.  Especially when you're wearing your conservative speedo.  You're such a tease."

Etc, etc.

We can go back and forth for a long while, mostly because Tom is relentless.  Lately he's started getting physical. He'll show off his flat stomach, he'll pinch my nipples or he'll put my hand on his ass and tell me to stop grabbing him.  I find our conversations to be very entertaining, but nothing more.  I'm not the least bit attracted to him. I see him purely as a friend and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.  I don't think we could tease each other as much as we do if there was any meaning in the things we say.

Anyway, we quickly got into one of these riffs at the party and Jon ending up being a member of our three person audience.  Jon doesn't know Tom very well and he's never seen us bait-and-poke each other like we can, so I'm not sure what he thought of the conversation.

Another friend and audience member, I think, found us to be a little tiresome.  After about 15 minutes he said quite loudly to Jon, "Aren't Tom and Cameron so cute when they flirt like that?"

I've never thought of our dumb conversations as flirting so I was a little shocked that others might see them that way.  Even worse, the last thing I wanted was for Jon to get the idea that I flirt with everyone.  I quickly looked at Jon to see how he reacted, and I swear, I saw a look of jealousy flash across his face.  It was very fast, and I might be totally delusional, but that's what I saw...Jon was jealous that I was "flirting" with someone else.

After that, I wanted to put an end to the "show" as quickly as possible.  I accused Tom of being a slut and trying to make me one of his conquests.  I then asked the three guys listening to us (including Jon) to please help keep Tom away from me.

Unfortunately, Tom took my words as a challenge and became even more relentless...even as Jon and my other friends made no effort to defend me whatsoever.  This turned out to be a problem because Tom wouldn't leave me alone for the next half hour.

Both with and without Tom's "help" I was able to keep my distance from Jon for most of the night.  I needed to do that because when I spilled my guts it had to be at the very end of the night.  That way if I was rejected I could go straight home.  

At one point Jon and I were having separate conversations with two other people in a small kitchen.  I heard Jon tell the other guy some of the same things he told me during our long conversation in the bar a few weeks before.  That annoyed me. It made me feel less special.

Another time, after a "steal-a-gift" anonymous exchange, I picked up the gift Jon had chosen to look at it.  It was a bartender's mixing glass with different drink recipes printed on it.  Jon was across the room.  When he saw me looking at it he teasingly said, "Cameron, that's mine!  You can't have it!"  That made me happy because, as a rule, people only tease someone when they like them, at least as a friend.  But often teasing is a form of flirting.  Jon easily could have said nothing, which is far more like him, but the fact that he purposefully teased me, I think, is a positive.

A few minutes later, as many people started to leave, I made it a point to ask Jon if he was planning on staying a little longer.  "Ah, ya.  I guess so."

Because Jon committed to staying, I decided to help the host clean up.  The house was a disaster.  Dishes and leftover food were everywhere and a mountain of dirty plates and glasses needed to be washed.  I spent a solid 30 minutes in the kitchen, which made only a small dent in the amount of work that needed be done.  By then it was getting late so I decided to check on Jon.  Well guess what?  He left.  The fucker left without a proper goodbye and no opportunity for me to ask him out.  Gaaah!!

Because the jerk never gave me his contact information (and he's not on Facebook) his surprise departure left me with no way to communicate with him.  I had no choice except to wait another month (or longer) to see him again. I was devastated. Four more weeks of endless fantasies?  Please kill me now and save me from suffering.

But wait!  On the way home I got the brilliant idea to ask a mutual friend for Jon's email address.  It was an awkward thing to do but he gave it to me - without asking why I wanted it, thankfully.  But then, after spending a full day debating whether I should email Jon or not, I decided against it.  His last (crazy) girlfriend had Internet-stalked him and the last thing I want to do is behave in a similar way.  Because Jon didn't given me his email address himself, I didn't have his explicit permission to contact him.  Reluctantly, I gave up the idea.

The good news is that making that decision has given me a much needed sense of control over the situation.  I feel less like a caged animal.  I can do this.  I can wait a month. And if I suddenly feel like I can't, I have the option to break down and send an email.  I'd hate to do that.  It would be tacky and I really do want to ask him in person.

I hope that being forced to wait a month will ensure a better outcome.  I hope I'll be so sick and tired of being infatuated that any resolution, including being rejected, will be a relief.  Objectively speaking, my hyped-up, obsessive attraction to Jon is pretty stupid anyway.  Asking someone out on a first date should be very simple, not like trying to hold an orgasm in for two months.

Anyway - I probably won't post again in 2014, so, I hope ya'll enjoy these last few days of the year.  Let's all have a happy and successful 2015, ok?  That's my plan at least.


  1. Hey bud - I must ask the question: why did you ask him if he was staying and then spend the next 30 minutes in the kitchen ignoring him? I can understand helping the host clean up a bit but why would you not be touching base with him a few times during that timeframe? Frankly, if I were him, I would have left as well! Merry Christmas...

    1. I didn't say this because it was boring, but I bussed a lot of dishes and trash from around the house to the kitchen. While I was doing that I always had at least one eye on him. I didn't see any indication that he was getting ready to leave or that he felt ignored. Also, there was no reason for him to think I wanted to say anything to him. It wasn't like I asked him to stay and then ignored him. It was much more casual than that.

      I appreciate your question. Maybe he did feel ignored and I was clueless. Now I have something else to ponder for the next few weeks!

    2. I agree with anonymous' POV...Jon probably felt slighted and so left without saying a word. Usually when the party is dying down, I get very tempted to leave, and if someone asks me to stay, I definitely assume that we'll be hanging, but if the other person busies himself with cleaning the dishes etc., I wouldn't be happy