Monday, July 21, 2014

First Date in a Year Update

In my last post I wrote about Shane being in love with his ex-boyfriend and their plan to spend a week together at the end of July.  I wondered what I should do, if anything, in advance of their rendezvous.

A few days after I posted that entry, I felt like a fool.  Not because of anything I'd said, but because I'd even written about Shane at all.

Here's why:

On July 6th he responded to a message I sent a few days earlier about an upcoming event.  His reply wasn't very substantive, except that it ended with a polite "we should have dinner soon."  Thrilled by that idea and eager to get a date booked as soon as possible, I immediately forwarded him my schedule for the upcoming week.

I think my enthusiasm came off as desperation.  He didn't answer for two days and when he did, he said, "Wow, sounds like you have things planned out very well." Followed by,  "My dog is sick, I'm not sure how available I'm going to be for the next week or so.  I'll be in touch as soon as I can."

His dog is sick???  

Sure he is.  He probably ate some kid's homework and now has such bad stomach cramps that Shane will be totally preoccupied 24/7 for two weeks.  That would be the perfect excuse for Shane to give me the polite brush-off until his ex-boyfriend arrives.  

Even if it is the truth, how does Shane know how long the dog is going to be sick?  Not available at all for a week or so?  Unlikely.  There's clearly something else going on here.

Those were my thoughts but I didn't share them with Shane.  Instead I sent him best wishes for his pooch's full recovery.

At the same time I decided I wouldn't contact Shane again unless he contacted me first.  I'm not going to chase him.

Several days passed and I didn't hear anything.  Then the weekend came, and still, nothing.

I had plans with friends on Friday night but was glad when they were cancelled.  I was in no mood to go anywhere, talk to anyone or do anything.  My mood worsened as the weekend dragged on.  By Sunday afternoon I was deep in the depths of self-pitying, self-hating misery.  It was as if the whole year I'd taken off from dating had done no good; one vague rejection was all it took for me to be absolutely miserable.

Pathetic.

Sunday night I resolved to take another six to nine months off from dating.  Clearly, I'm too immature to try again soon.

I expected my dark mood to continue on Monday, but for some reason it didn't.  Instead I felt good.  I don't know why, I just did.  As the day progressed and my attitude stayed upbeat I began to wonder if I'd turned the corner with Shane.  Maybe I was done agonizing about him?

By Tuesday afternoon, there was no doubt about it.  It no longer mattered if I heard from him.  The hurt of his rejection was over, and even better, I now knew that the time I took off from dating had made a difference.

Shane has been, by far, my biggest crush since Dean.  To get over him so quickly is fantastic.  It's a clear sign that I'm ready to get serious about dating again.

***

Much to my surprise the sick dog email wasn't the last time I heard from Shane.  Just this past Friday I got a text from him that said: "Hey stranger!  You free for lunch today?"

As it happened, I was free.

We ended up spending three and half hours together.  First we had a long lunch, then we took a drive to a pub near the ocean.  We would've stayed together longer, except I had to get back to work.

It was an awesome date, on multiple levels.  First, his sick dog story was true.  He said he spent nearly $10,000 on veterinary intensive care.  He could be lying or exaggerating about that, I suppose, but he showed me pictures of the facility and his dog's daily progress.  Listening to him talk about how much he loved his dog was very touching and a major turn-on.  Deep love, sincerely expressed?  That's the kind of man I want in my life.

We also talked about his ex-boyfriend.  I made my pitch, which was that Shane should use the time with his ex to convince him to give a long-distance relationship a try.  The way I see it, if Shane propositions his ex, the outcome will be good no matter what.  Either they'll get back together, or, Shane will take his ex's rejection more seriously and be ready to emotionally distance himself.

My favorite part of the date was watching (or really, feeling) Shane's body language.  On our prior two dates he was always very respectful, which was nice, but it was hard to tell if he was attracted to me or not.  On this date he touched me multiple times when he didn't need to.  His touches were subtle, but they definitely made me feel wanted.  I have no doubts now that he's interested.

Finally, and I didn't fully realize this until after we parted, but the whole three+ hours I was on a sexually-charged endorphin high.  I felt his absence the second he drove away, and once I was back in the office, I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I was all keyed up.  Incredibly horny, really.

So, ya.  After that date, I'm crushing on him more than ever.

Unfortunately, unless he surprises me somehow, his schedule is so busy that I may not see him again in July.  Then, I'll be gone from August 2nd to 11th.  This means our next date isn't likely to happen for a month.

That might be a good thing.  Because I'm hoping Shane can get things better clarified with his ex, it's probably best that I don't see him again before they have their week together.

The other goods news is that, although our date went exceptionally well, I'm pretty confident I can handle disappointment too.  My hopes crashed and burned once already, yet I recovered within a few days.  I feel like I can do this dating thing.  I can deal with disappointment and rejection.  With or without Shane, I'm on a much better path.

Friday, July 4, 2014

How to Vanquish the Ghost of a Boyfriend Past?

It looks like my relationship with Shane is going to remain platonic in the near-term.  His schedule has only allowed us to spend an hour together in the last ten days, and although he texts me on occasion, what he says is more friendly than flirtatious.

Still, I have hope for the future.  He's asked me three different times to describe the kind of man I find attractive.  Each time it's felt like a loaded question, like he's wondering if he's my type.  Why would he keep asking unless he's been pondering our potential?  He's also repeatedly mentioned, with awe, the length of our first meeting.  Whenever he brings it up I want to say, "Yes Shane, IT MEANS SOMETHING!" but I hold back because that's a realization he needs to have on his own.

I'm also hopeful because he recently asked if I was available to go on two different cruises with him, one for four days in July and another for eleven days in September.  Because Gabbie can't cope with watching the kids for even one night I quickly declined both offers, but after thinking about it, I'm wondering if I could get away for four days.

Overall, I feel like Shane and I are circling each other.  Neither of us is willing to pounce just yet (that is, be direct), but we're certainly thinking about it.  I know I am.

In addition to wanting to be confident that Shane's interest in me is natural and authentic, the other reason I'm holding back is because I worry that he's too hung-up on his last boyfriend.  He denies that he is, but the hurt and longing in his voice say otherwise.  I think his denials are more about convincing himself that he's moved on than they are the truth.

Speaking of Shane's beloved ex, I think he's a bit of a bastard.  He broke up with Shane a year ago, after three and a half years together, because he was moving two thousand miles away for school and didn't want to maintain a long-distance relationship.  Yet, that's sort of what they've done.  They Skype at least twice a week and the ex still calls Shane by a pet name.  Even worse, the ex is coming to visit for a week at the end of July, right around Shane's birthday, and they're planning to spend the whole week together - in bed.

The reason I think the ex is a bastard is because he's stringing Shane along.  If he genuinely cared, the ex would commit to the monogamous relationship Shane wants, but he won't do that.  Instead he milks Shane for affection and sex, at his convenience.  How is Shane supposed to heal and move on when he's treated like that?

I told Shane I thought the ex was being cruel by shutting him down and then leading him on.  Shane agreed, but will he do anything about it?  Probably not.  He just keeps repeating that they're not together, that they're never getting back together, and that he's actively looking for a new partner.  That's his brain talking, not his heart.  "We'd still be together now if he hadn't moved away," - that's how he really feels.  Because his head and heart are so conflicted, I don't know which to trust. 

Perhaps the next three weeks will clarify things...

Depending on how aggressive I choose to be, the ex's visit at the end of the month could be considered a deadline.  Do I push Shane to reconsider his one-sided relationship with his ex?  Or do I keep my mouth shut and instead try to spend as much time with Shane as possible, hoping that a romantic connection between us develops?  What if things go very well between Shane and his ex?  Wouldn't it be safer for me to maintain a little distance until the ex has cum and gone?

My thoughts on this are all over the place!

Normally, I'd be content to be patient.  My  relationship philosophy is that the "right" outcome will play out naturally.  If Shane is interested in me, I'll know that, sooner rather than later.  If he's not interested, I'll figure that out too, only it might take longer.  But the specter of his ex standing between us makes me question whether being too passive would be a mistake.  Do I risk getting stuck in the friendzone if I don't make my feelings known before the ex arrives?

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on this situation I'd love to hear them.  Surely I'm not the first person to face this dilemma.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Shane doesn't think Tom Daley is that hot (unbelievable and shocking!!) - Says he's too full of himself