Sunday, February 1, 2015

Cameron and Gabbie: "Til the end of Time"

Gabbie wants a divorce as soon as possible.

When she told me that, I felt like I'd been sucker-punched in the gut.  Or knifed in the back.  Or both.

Why do I work so hard to avoid emotionally painful situations, yet they still find me on a continual basis?  I just dealt with the disappointment of Jon and now this??

Gabbie's in a rush to divorce because she plans to move in with her 50yo boyfriend Ken.  I first wrote about him here.  Ken is NOT the same loser, illiterate, violent, drunken criminal who created all the drama between Gabbie and I beginning in 2006.  He is completely different from that asshole Charlie.  Ken is a certified "nice guy" who has never had a serious girlfriend before Gabbie because he dotes on his 80 year old widowed mother.

I've known for a few months that Gabbie hoped to move in with Ken this Spring.  What I didn't know was that Ken's mother would freak out because Gabbie is still technically a married woman.

My expectation has been that Gabbie and Ken would live together for a few months on a trial basis.  If things went well, THEN we could move forward with a divorce, if that's what Gabbie wanted.  Doing things that way made sense to me because it would keep Gabbie protected if things didn't work out with Ken.  Staying married has certain benefits, not the least of which is that I have the option to drag my feet and force Gabbie to take a second marriage slowly.  For example, if we had been divorced when Charlie was still around, she could have married him and gotten him a green card.  What a fucking nightmare that would have been.

The idea of being divorced from Gabbie is very painful.  I'm not Mormon but my understanding is that they see marriage as lasting for eternity.  Some time over the past 25 years I got it into my head that Gabbie and I have an eternal bond.  I've certainly felt like we did.  And I felt like Gabbie did too.  She even inscribed my wedding band with our initials bound together by the words "Til the End of Time."

Divorcing will formally break our eternal bond.  That leaves me feeling lost.  Lost, alone and adrift.
Like in Peter Schilling's song Major Tom - "Drifting...falling...floating weightless."

The good news is that I do see some positives to being divorced.  For as much as I love her, I'm very aware that Gabbie has been an anchor around my neck since the day we met.  I changed everything in my life, including my sexuality, to try to please her.  I lived in a location I never would have chosen, I bought houses I never would have bought and I worked at a job I never would have wanted.  All those decisions of hers created endless stress for me.  I'm happy to have a future to look forward to that will be entirely of my own making.

I'm also happy that Gabbie is in a hurry to be divorced.  She "needs" it done quickly so she's said nothing will be disputed.  That's a relief to hear because it means our existing financial agreement will remain in place.  I like that I won't be hit with any nasty financial surprises a few years down the line.

The last major upside to the divorce is that it might improve my attitude about dating.  I can't say for certain yet, but I hope I'll be more inclined to think about the future and less about the past.

Although the divorce itself should be quick and not overly stressful, the aspect I dread most is dealing with my parents.  Gabbie and I have been separated for four years and they still think we're together.  Now I'll be telling them "We just marked our 25th anniversary by finalizing our divorce on the following day!"

The primary reason I haven't told them is because I DO NOT want to answer their questions.  I don't want to talk about my sexuality and I don't want to talk about Gabbie's affair.  It's all shitty stuff that can't be changed.  There's absolutely nothing to be gained by talking to them, yet I know my parents will needle me about it for years to come.  I think I'm going to tell them and my extended family by email.  That way I'll have total control over what I say and how I say it.   I'll also say that I don't want to talk about it so don't ask any questions.

If anyone thinks that dropping the divorce bomb by email is a terrible idea, I'd like to hear why.  I know it's chicken-shit of me, but I don't care.  It's painful and I don't want my nose rubbed in it which is exactly what my parents will do.

In other news... within the next week, I expect to see Jon for the first time in two months.  It'll be interesting to see how he behaves.  Is he going to be a flirt or will he be cold?  I'm counting the days until I find out.


  1. Congratulations man. This is great news, and the circumstances are about the best to be had, given the circumstances.

    As for telling your parents, just rip the bandage off and get it over with. Unless you think they will try to sabotage the divorce, there is not reason not to get it off your chest as soon as possible, and save yourself fretting over it.

    Good luck man!

    1. Thanks for your support Jack.

      I'm not sure exactly when I'll be telling my parents. May at the soonest, because the divorce will take at least that long. It's been four years already, I'm in no hurry to tell them!

  2. aha! so you are not over jon, just as I predicted in my response to your last post! as I suggested then, I still recommend that you have a discussion with him to obtain closure or the potential of a friendship which may lead to a relationship. keep us posted on how your meeting goes with him!

    1. I don't think I said I was over Jon. It just became apparent to me that he's not interested.

      I expect that seeing him in person will confirm his lack of interest - and I'll be ok with that. It is what it is. If I get any surprises, good or bad, I'll share what happened.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. This is painful. I know. You knew this was coming at some point, right? Gabbie has found a nice guy, so just let her move on with her life.

    There are some positive aspects of this for you. Divorce can he horribly painful and expensive. She certainly would be entitled to alimony after 25 years of marriage. She might be able to get custody of the minor children, and force you to pay child support. The kids are best off staying with you. She could use this process to make your life hell. It's far easier for the woman to do this than the man.

    She's giving you a free pass. She wants a quick exit. Use that to your advantage. Bail out quickly and inexpensively. This is ending is inevitable, you you know that.

    This is painful, but focus on the silver lining here.

    1. Didn't I mention the positive aspects of getting divorced? Yes, I did!

      "I'm happy that Gabbie is in a hurry to be divorced. She needs it done quickly so she's said nothing will be disputed. That's a relief to hear because it means our existing financial agreement will remain in place. I like that I won't be hit with any nasty financial surprises a few years down the line."

      Much of the reason I'm glad is because of your situation. What a nightmare that was.

    2. You did indicate some positive aspects, but you still seem upset about it.

  4. I would wait until the ink is dry on the divorce, and then email them. It will be easier for you to manage emotionally, and to your blogger buddies that's who we care about, you! Could you escape for a long weekend with the kids after you send the mail, and be out of phone range? That would give you some breathing room to ready yourself for the parents onslaught of why you are now divorced, why did you tell us sooner, etc, etc.

    You also might want to sit down and draft a response to when you do talk to them on the phone. That way you have things organized in a way that feels comfortable for you. Does your sexuality need to come into context with the divorce, could that be a can of worms for a future date, or do you just want everything out in the open and done with now?

    good luck!

    1. Hi Biki! Yes, I'll wait until the divorce is final to tell my parents. To tell them sooner might invite more drama from them and that's the last thing I want.

      I like the idea of escaping for a long weekend...but at the same time I could never enjoy it. My parents would be in my head the whole time. I think it'll be better to send the email, wait for the phone to ring and have it all over and done in an hour or less. (Famous last words...)

      Part of the reason an email appeals to me is because it will force me to organize my thoughts and, thereby, prepare for the Parental Inquisition. When the time comes to talk to them I'll be as ready as I can be.

      At some point I'll probably write a post about why I don't expect to tell my parents about my sexuality any time soon. I have some specific reasons that are unusual and have nothing to do with religion or conservative values.

      Thanks for your support over these many years!!!