Sunday, November 15, 2015

More Sex

I asked a few friends if they thought naked cuddling, some oral stimulation and no orgasm counts as sex.  They said it did.

Boo.  I didn't really want to end three years of celibacy with an uninspiring forty minutes with Yousef, but I guess I did.

I don't completely regret the experience.  It's likely that I reached a point where maintaining my celibacy became (stupidly) too important.  At my age, why bother?  And who cares?  Breaking the streak is probably good for my mental health, so, no regrets.

Staying with that attitude, I decided I should welcome the prospect of more sex with Yousef.  I therefore found myself looking forward to seeing him on a recent Saturday night, mostly because I wanted to fool around again and actually enjoy it.

We spent a large part of the evening at a social event that lasted much longer than expected.  By the time we arrived at Yousef's place it was 11:00pm.  Then we had to walk his dog and eat some leftovers because we were both hungry.  Finally, at nearly 12:00, we started making out.  I was more into it than the prior week, and thankfully, my mind didn't wander.

Once our clothes were shed, Yousef made a non-verbal indication that he wanted to fuck me.  My response was direct and a little sharp: "Sorry, that's not going to happen."  Generally speaking, I'm not opposed to the idea, but submitting to Yousef?  No.  I'm just not interested.

Then, much to my surprise, he offered to let me fuck him.  Now THAT I could get into.

I expected him to open a drawer and pull out a condom but he made no move to do so.  I wondered for a few seconds if he wanted to go bareback, then I decided it didn't matter, there was no way I was going to take any chances.  When I asked for a condom, he slightly hesitated, then said, "Of course."

His relaxed attitude about safety bothered me, which was an unwelcome distraction when I was supposed to be focused on something else.  The condom's dulling effect didn't help matters.  I made a number of attempts to penetrate him but when the fun started to feel like work, I switched things up.

Because it was so late, our session only lasted about thirty minutes.  I ended it as soon as Yousef was satisfied.

This isn't saying much... but it was a better experience than the first time.  I was more present and more into it.  I'm looking forward to our next meeting.  I'm intrigued by the challenge of trying to turn these very basic encounters into something hot and fulfilling.

Nothing like Yousef.  I'd call to make plans with this guy.

It's been two weeks since I last saw Yousef.

I never call him, and that (quite understandably) annoys him.  The thing is, if I wanted to earn an Oscar for faking interest in someone, I'd choose a woman.

He suggested that we meet for dinner on Saturday night, so we did.  In preparation for the romp afterward, I abstained from any kind of sexual release for four days in advance.  I figured, if being very horny wasn't enough to make for some magic between the sheets, nothing would.

Also, earlier in the day I got very turned on by Cooper...

Although Cooper and I spend a lot of time together, we don't talk about sex very often.  When we do, it's PG-rated.  On this day, Cooper broke all the usual rules and went on and on about wanting a sex buddy and how much fun that would be.  He even got a little graphic.  I, of course, wondered if he was waiting for me to volunteer for the role.  As tempted as I was to do so, I kept my cool, at least on the outside.  Inside, my already charged-up libido was deep into fantasy mode.  I didn't see Yousef until seven hours later, but thinking about Cooper all day kept me mentally lubed.

At dinner, Yousef spent some time complaining, as usual.  But then he shocked me by talking about moving in together.


He wasn't asking to do so, nor do I think he wanted to have a serious conversation about it, instead I think he was tossing the idea out there as a future possibility.  Of course, I didn't have the courage to tell him that's never going to happen. Ever.

Although that bit of strangeness threw me for a loop, I quickly recovered when it was time to pay the bill.  Leaving the restaurant meant the countdown to sex could officially begin!

Just as the bill arrived, Yousef said, "You know Cameron...I'm really beat.  Would you mind if we called it a night?"


"No problem, Yousef.  I totally understand."

That was a lie, I totally didn't understand.  We hadn't seen each other for two weeks, he talked about moving in together, and then he says he's too tired for sex?  What's the point, dude?  Why should I drive an hour each way to see you?

On the way home I kept thinking, "I'm done with this guy.  Done!"

Yet, here it is, the following Saturday afternoon, and Yousef and I are making plans to meet again tonight.

Sex is definitely on my agenda.  But the truth is, unless we have sex AND it's really awesome, Yousef will be receiving the "Let's be friends" speech from me in the very near future.  Once again I've abstained from any kind of sexual release for several days.  The way I see it, if raw horniness can't make for passion between two gay men, nothing can.


It's now Sunday morning.  Here's how Saturday night went -

Yousef originally wanted to go to dinner and see a movie. From my libido's point of view, that was a horrible idea.  *IF* Yousef wasn't too tired for sex, we'd get back to his place after 11, then we'd have to walk the dog, and finally we'd get down to business at close to midnight.  No.  That's not what I wanted.  Instead I suggested take-out and Netflix, which is date-speak for "let's have lots of sex."  Yousef seemed to understand that.

We ate the food, then watched the movie.  It was 10:30, the perfect time to start a long, spectacular sexcapade.  But what did Yousef do?  He started a one-hour documentary.   Grrr.  By the time that was over and the dog had been walked, it was midnight - and I was annoyed.

Soon after I met this guy four months ago, he kept talking about how much he enjoyed sex and how he couldn't wait to rip my clothes off.  But now that we've had D- and D+ sex sessions, he's proven himself to be only marginally better than a dead fish.  AND... he keeps complaining that we don't see each other enough.  I don't get it.  His inconsistencies just don't add up.

Anyway, SEX!

Things started off pretty well.  I felt lots of tingling in all the right places and I thought, "Yes, finally, this is going to be good!"  And then what happened?  Yousef essentially jerked himself off within five minutes.

"I can't wait to see you shoot all over me!" he said afterward. 

But that wasn't going to happen.  I was annoyed, frustrated and I didn't want him as my audience for a rushed, un-fun version of my normal show.  Sex is participatory dude!

Once again, on the one-hour drive home I kept repeating, "I'm done!"

Part of me feels like I should give him one more chance for at least a B- session, but maybe I'm just stalling because I dread the "let's be friends" conversation.  Further complicating matters is that I actually enjoyed the pre-sex part of the date with him more than any other time we've been together.

I know what I need to do, now I just have to do it.


  1. I think it would have been perfectly acceptable to start pawing at him five minutes into the documentary. Well, even five minutes into the first move. But then again, I'm kinda a whore.

    1. If I got aggressive that would send the wrong message. He'd think I was more into him when the opposite is true.

  2. I’d cut him loose too. It is hard to have the friend talk. Good luck with that.

    1. Thanks for the support! I'm not looking forward to the talk but it must happen.

  3. Sorry man... I don't think I would have been groping before dinner was over... at least playing footsie, and touching him inappropriately... But now... the hard part... sorry...

    1. Yes, the hard part. Thanks for your support.

  4. you know what needs to be done...time to end things and place more energy in cooper...

    1. Cooper? No. Although I'm drawn to him and there are moments when I feel strongly connected to him, I can still clearly see what a terrible partner he'd be.

      That said, I sure appreciate your kind comment.

  5. So, you let yourself have empty, meaningless sex with someone you're just that not into and who doesn't seem to care much whether either one of you infects the other with venereal disease? Why? This isn't how you build a friendship, let alone the emotional connection with a man that you say you are looking for.

    1. Unless Yousef is a complete liar, which I doubt, we've been exclusively dating for three months and we finally got physical. Is that meaningless? It isn't to me.

      Also, Yousef has consistently shown himself to be an honest and trustworthy person. I don't believe he would knowingly infect me with anything and I don't believe he's been having sex with anyone else. He also knows I've been celibate for three years. His lax attitude about safe sex, therefore, could easily be based on confidence in himself and trust in me. I happen to believe that being too trusting is foolish but I'm not going to project any malicious intent onto him just because I think he's too trusting.

      If you made good, logical points I could respect them but what you've said is neither. I am glad, however, that you've commented because it's given me the opportunity to be more clear about the facts.

    2. Thanks for clarifying. It still reads like you felt pressured into having sex with him. Perhaps that isn't how you saw it at the time, but, for better or worse, it's what you conveyed, at least to me.

    3. As I describe in the previous post, I did feel pressured. I had to make an instant decision whether to object or not.

      I don't regret the choice I made. Being open to sex after three months of dating was an opportunity to improve my attraction to him. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. In hindsight it might look like a bad decision, but at the time it was the most reasonable thing to do.

  6. Move on. There's obviously no chemistry here. You're just curious about sex after a long hiatus. To bring up moving in together after just three dates is kind of strange.

    I wish I had some good solution for you.....but I don't. I'm struggling with the same thing. Meeting the right guy is so hard. I think you need to cut loose the dead fish a bit quicker. You're wasting a lot of time.

    1. We've been on close to 20 dates. He brought up living together as a theoretical, some day possibility. Still, after three months of casual dating, I agree it's strange.

      I don't feel like I'm wasting time. I'm actively looking to meet new people so I'm not sacrificing anything. Also, I'm open to letting someone grow on me over time. I feel like guys are too quick to be dismissive. Sure, an instant, electric connection is ideal but that's not the way most bonds are created, usually it's a gradual thing.

      Anyway - I'll be making my (lack of) feelings clear to Yousef this weekend. Problem solved.

    2. My impression was you didn't really like the guy. He complains too much and there's no physical attraction. Maybe that will grow on you?

  7. If the spark is not there, then it's not there. You did nothing wrong, he did nothing wrong that's just life. It's good that you tried, at least now you know.