Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Sex as the Gay Man's Handshake

A few years ago, there was a gay blogger who entertained his readers with stories of traveling the world and hooking-up along the way.  I forget the title of his blog but "Sex is the Gay Man's Handshake" was his mantra.
Who's the a-hole who told the Baptists?

I've never understood that way of thinking.  The idea that sex could (or should) be the very first step toward creating a lasting connection feels odd.  And somewhat wrong.

I don't mean "wrong" in the moral sense, I mean it's not for me.  I see sex as such a bonding experience that I strongly prefer it only after an emotional connection has been established.  When that doesn't happen and sex comes first...well, that's weird.

In response to my previous post, Rob of I Just Wanna Be Happy said I sounded surprised that the Architect and I had sex on our first date.  "I think the reality is most gay 'first' dates end with sex if the two guys click."

Many of them do, I'm sure.  But this is the first time it's happened to me --- and I certainly didn't plan or expect it.  I don't think the Architect did either.  So yes, I was surprised.


And surprise became regret the morning after.  Not in a major way, but just in the sense that I questioned whether I'd turned something potentially great into something cheap and transient.

To try to prevent that from happening, I sent the Architect a glowing "thank you" text the next day.  I also told him I'd like to meet again "very soon."

"I'd like that," he quickly replied.   


Within minutes we made plans for a second date: dinner at his place, on the day after Thanksgiving.  "I hope you don't mind leftover Cornish Game Hen?  If you do, I can easily make something else." Awww.

Friday couldn't come fast enough, but when it did, my fear that we had sex too soon returned.  Our first date had left me in a such a state of sexual euphoria that I really had no idea if our connection was more than skin deep.  That left me wrestling with uncertainty...
Will the magic be gone because the sexual tension has already played out?
Will one of us no longer be attracted to the other?
Will it be awkward because we actually don't have that much in common?  
The answers to those questions would make or break the second date - and any potential future together.


The moment I saw him again, the lust returned in full-force.

Must. Not. Lose. Control.

It was difficult to keep my desires under wraps but I had to.  I needed to be certain we had a connection that transcended sex, and, I needed to be certain I was seeing him for who he was, not for who I wanted him to be.

As he prepped and cooked the dinner, we talked.  As we ate, we talked.  Physically, we barely touched.  For me it was safer that way.  I needed to be clear minded.

While I can't say we had any amazing discussions, we certainly had natural rapport.  There were a few times when the conversation dragged a bit, and I had to think of questions to keep it going, but overall the "getting to know you" phase went well.  No hidden icebergs.

We'd been together for about two hours and, as I said, barely touched.  I knew I had good reason to keep my distance, but as we cleared the dinner plates, I began to wonder why he was keeping his.  Was he no longer attracted to me?

Then, as if he was reading my thoughts, he plopped down next to me and laid his head on my chest.  With desire in his eyes, he looked up at me.  I couldn't resist.  I had to kiss him.

Once the kissing started, we could not stop.  I least I couldn't.  Within minutes, we were upstairs, in his bedroom, frantically pulling off our clothes so we could be naked together under the sheets.

It was fun, sensual, passionate and very, very exciting.  Afterward, we tightly cuddled for a long time.  Just as with the first time, he fell asleep.  Holding him as he slept was heavenly.  And natural.  Totally natural.

Oh how I wished I could spend the night!  But with my kids at home, that wasn't possible.  Not yet anyway.

I tried to sneak out of the bed without waking him but I wasn't successful.  "Handsome?"  That's his nickname for me, "Are you leaving?"

"Yes.  I'm sorry, I have to go.  Thank you for a wonderful night and a wonderful meal.  You're a terrific chef and a terrific person.  I... um, would like to see you again very soon."

"I was going to tell you...I should have said something earlier... I'm leaving on Monday for two weeks.  I'm visiting my parents in India."


"Oh. Um... well, that's good.  I'm sure your parents will be very happy to see you.  Monday?  Wow.  I expect you'll be quite busy preparing for the trip between now and then."

"Yes.  The worst part is that I have to buy presents for all my relatives.  I really hate shopping but I have to do it."

"I'd be happy to go with you...  as moral support, you know?"

"No.  I wouldn't be any fun at all.  But I would like to meet again when I return."

"Sure....SURE!  Yes, I'd like to meet again too.  You're a really wonderful man."

On the drive home all I could think about was how two weeks would seem like forever.  This is so frustrating.  I finally meet someone I really like - and he seems to really like me - and now I'll be stuck...waiting.   Waiting, waiting, waiting.  GAH!  Two weeks can't come and go fast enough!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued...


  1. I’ve had plenty of hookups in my life but most of my first dates didn’t end with sex. I used to have a three date rule. I guess I’m more reserved than most gay men.

  2. On pins and needles for what happened next... This happened about 4 weeks ago and he was to be gone for 2 weeks - should be back by now.

    And I think sex on the first 2 dates was fine since you both seemed to want it. Don't overthink it!

  3. IF the sexual connection is there, go for it!!! Seriously!!!

  4. Sex is just an act. It's a thing people do. What meaning it has is entirely brought to it by the participants.

    can be a silly fun time between friends. can be a totally meaningless interaction between strangers. can be a deeply emotional, intimate experience.

    can be "sex" or "watching a movie" or damned near anything else you can think of.

    Part of what I think the gay community has done well is removing the puritan stigma associated with sex - that it *has* to be something deep and meaningful (and in most interpretations leading to procreation) or it's something to be ashamed of. We don't devalue sex by recognizing that it is distinct from intimacy.

    Glad you've got someone you both like and lust after. That's a good combination :) Enjoy it as far as it goes.

    1. Nicely said Austin. You put into words exactly how I view things as well.

  5. Good for you! Taking risks towards love is important.

  6. "But this is the first time it's happened to me --- and I certainly didn't plan or expect it."

    Haha...but sure sounds like you enjoyed it. Also sounds like getting naked on the second date was the plan -- for both of you.

    There's no one right answer here. Sometimes it's fun on the first date, and sometimes it's the third. Whatever, don't read so much into it. What's important is that you like him and he likes you -- so much so that the sex happened quickly. So what's wrong with that?

  7. i think that full-on sex on the first date cheapens things, and also removes the mystery of it all too quickly. however, there must be sexual chemistry, so making out, or a quick handjob here and there, yeah that for sure is required