Monday, February 16, 2015

The older I get, the less I'm attracted to men

If there's one thing that married bisexual men seem to agree on, it's that their attraction to men has grown stronger as they've aged.  Some say that if their attraction to other men was as easy to control as it was in their early 20s, they never would have acted on it.

"Experienced" straight wives agree that their husbands' attraction to men increased over time.  When they advise young married women in their 20s and 30s on how to cope with a husband who is attracted to men, they invariably say something like, "It's only going to get worse.  'Bisexual' men only become more gay as they get older."
I'm less attracted to men, not dead.

If that's true, then I'm definitely not bisexual - my attraction to men has lessened as I've aged, not grown.

Maybe I'm straight?  After all, if Gabbie had gotten over her infatuation with Charlie in four years instead of seven, we'd still be together.  And I'd be happy to be monogamous with her.

One of my formerly married friends finds it hard to believe that I'm less attracted to men at 48 than I was at 26.  "Maybe you have low testosterone?  Or maybe you're depressed?"

I had my testosterone checked a few years ago and it was fine.  If anything, it should be higher than average now that I exercise so much.

As for being depressed, if I am, it's at a pretty low level and my libido hasn't been affected.

Although my friend thinks my reduced interest in men is odd, I disagree.  I think it's completely normal.for someone who has never repressed his sexuality.

Think about it....aren't most guys, who freely explored their sexuality in their teens and 20s, ready to settle down before they're 40?  Ultimately, the hook-up life is pretty empty, and that's something you realize when you've been around the block a few times.

On the other hand, men who repress their attraction to other men in their younger years eventually reach a boiling point.  And while a few of them "break like a floodgate" and go crazy with hook-ups, most continue to fight the attraction as forcefully as they can, even as they indulge in it  The result is they're perpetually unsatisfied, except for those brief, adrenaline-filled moments when they get to have uninhibited sex with another man.  The thrill of the sex, and the freedom, create a drug-like craving for more sex and more freedom   This causes the attraction to men to grow.

Yet, the interior battle rages onward.  Immediately after sex with a man, most married men stuff themselves back into their compartmentalized lives.  They repress the attraction until they can't fight it any longer, then they give in again.  It's a vicious cycle of suppression and manic freedom...and it works, sort of...until their wives stumble across gay porn or incriminating messages.

What's ironic (and never discussed) is that repressed bisexual men in their 20s have absolutely no idea that their allegiance to living a straight life when they're young sets the stage for drama and divorce when they're middle aged.  Instead of living as straight when they're young, they should have as much unrepressed safe sex with whoever they want.  That way, when the time is right, they'll have no problem settling down with someone they genuinely want to spend the rest of their life with.  (And they'll do so without regret.  Men never regret being safe and slutty, especially when they're young.)

The problem for me is that I reached the point where meaningless sex was no longer compelling twelve years ago.  Now I only want emotionally-connected sex and that's not easy to find.

When I look at pictures of men on dating sites, what I'm searching for is someone who looks smart, warm and approachable; basically someone who inspires me to be open and emotionally vulnerable.  Having said that, I'm well aware that appearances are often deceiving.  You can't actually know if someone is smart, warm or approachable based on their picture.  And you can't really believe what they say in their profile either.  Everyone says they're an awesome catch, but are they really?

Thoughts like these create a catch-22 situation.  I want an emotional connection but the only reliable way to find that is to meet every prospect in person.  That's a daunting task.  So daunting that when I look at rows and rows of pictures on dating sites, I quickly get overwhelmed.  The very best looking guys catch my eye, but other than being genetically blessed, they and every other guy are just a face.  A mask, really.  Rows and rows of pictures are actually rows and rows of question marks and it's exhausting when I imagine the time and emotional energy it would take to contact, bs with, and finally meet each guy face-to-face.  Hot or not, charming or not, shared interests or not - none of that actually matters.  Only spending time together does.  Therefore, only men who are interested in doing that are attractive to me.  Every other guy?  Meh.

Inaction due to being overwhelmed is a problem that applies to many aspects of life.  It's probably the number one reason people get stuck in jobs and relationships they don't like.  The solution is to break down the process of change into small, achievable steps.  I tried that with dating (proactively contact at least one new guy a week) but I wasn't getting enough of an emotional payoff to continue.  At some point I'll try again.  I just need to feel ready to endure a lot of frustration for an extended period of time.  I need to recharge my dating batteries, for however long that takes.

I'm sorry I'm rambling.

My main point is to say to men who are fighting their attraction to men
The more you repress your attraction, the more it will haunt you in the long-run. 
It might seem counter-intuitive, but the best way to become unimpressed by men is to fully indulge your fantasies. 
The sooner you can do that, the happier you'll be.  Both today and every day in the future.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Cameron and Gabbie: "Til the end of Time"

Gabbie wants a divorce as soon as possible.

When she told me that, I felt like I'd been sucker-punched in the gut.  Or knifed in the back.  Or both.

Why do I work so hard to avoid emotionally painful situations, yet they still find me on a continual basis?  I just dealt with the disappointment of Jon and now this??

Gabbie's in a rush to divorce because she plans to move in with her 50yo boyfriend Ken.  I first wrote about him here.  Ken is NOT the same loser, illiterate, violent, drunken criminal who created all the drama between Gabbie and I beginning in 2006.  He is completely different from that asshole Charlie.  Ken is a certified "nice guy" who has never had a serious girlfriend before Gabbie because he dotes on his 80 year old widowed mother.

I've known for a few months that Gabbie hoped to move in with Ken this Spring.  What I didn't know was that Ken's mother would freak out because Gabbie is still technically a married woman.

My expectation has been that Gabbie and Ken would live together for a few months on a trial basis.  If things went well, THEN we could move forward with a divorce, if that's what Gabbie wanted.  Doing things that way made sense to me because it would keep Gabbie protected if things didn't work out with Ken.  Staying married has certain benefits, not the least of which is that I have the option to drag my feet and force Gabbie to take a second marriage slowly.  For example, if we had been divorced when Charlie was still around, she could have married him and gotten him a green card.  What a fucking nightmare that would have been.

The idea of being divorced from Gabbie is very painful.  I'm not Mormon but my understanding is that they see marriage as lasting for eternity.  Some time over the past 25 years I got it into my head that Gabbie and I have an eternal bond.  I've certainly felt like we did.  And I felt like Gabbie did too.  She even inscribed my wedding band with our initials bound together by the words "Til the End of Time."

Divorcing will formally break our eternal bond.  That leaves me feeling lost.  Lost, alone and adrift.
Like in Peter Schilling's song Major Tom - "Drifting...falling...floating weightless."

The good news is that I do see some positives to being divorced.  For as much as I love her, I'm very aware that Gabbie has been an anchor around my neck since the day we met.  I changed everything in my life, including my sexuality, to try to please her.  I lived in a location I never would have chosen, I bought houses I never would have bought and I worked at a job I never would have wanted.  All those decisions of hers created endless stress for me.  I'm happy to have a future to look forward to that will be entirely of my own making.

I'm also happy that Gabbie is in a hurry to be divorced.  She "needs" it done quickly so she's said nothing will be disputed.  That's a relief to hear because it means our existing financial agreement will remain in place.  I like that I won't be hit with any nasty financial surprises a few years down the line.

The last major upside to the divorce is that it might improve my attitude about dating.  I can't say for certain yet, but I hope I'll be more inclined to think about the future and less about the past.

Although the divorce itself should be quick and not overly stressful, the aspect I dread most is dealing with my parents.  Gabbie and I have been separated for four years and they still think we're together.  Now I'll be telling them "We just marked our 25th anniversary by finalizing our divorce on the following day!"

The primary reason I haven't told them is because I DO NOT want to answer their questions.  I don't want to talk about my sexuality and I don't want to talk about Gabbie's affair.  It's all shitty stuff that can't be changed.  There's absolutely nothing to be gained by talking to them, yet I know my parents will needle me about it for years to come.  I think I'm going to tell them and my extended family by email.  That way I'll have total control over what I say and how I say it.   I'll also say that I don't want to talk about it so don't ask any questions.

If anyone thinks that dropping the divorce bomb by email is a terrible idea, I'd like to hear why.  I know it's chicken-shit of me, but I don't care.  It's painful and I don't want my nose rubbed in it which is exactly what my parents will do.

In other news... within the next week, I expect to see Jon for the first time in two months.  It'll be interesting to see how he behaves.  Is he going to be a flirt or will he be cold?  I'm counting the days until I find out.