Sunday, March 27, 2016

In your opinion - Is this man bi or gay?

I'll skip the obligatory complaints about sexual identity labels and instead jump right into the question...

In YOUR opinion, is this man bi or gay?

He was in a long-term relationship with a woman for many years.
He has only had sex with that one woman.
He didn't feel driven to initiate sex with the woman, but mostly enjoyed it when it happened.

He had several short-term relationships with men over a span of many years.
He has had sex with many men.
He has initiated sex with men numerous times, but he's also found quite a few of those encounters to be "flat" and unfulfilling.

When out in public, he frequently notices the best looking men but makes no effort to notice women.  Sometimes, but not often, a woman will unexpectedly catch his attention.

He doesn't remember having many sex dreams.  He guesses he's had several about men, but only remembers one about a woman.

He only masturbates to gay porn but says he could probably find some straight porn appealing --- if he wanted to bother looking for it.

The best sex he's ever had was, unquestionably, with a man. 

He values emotional intimacy in a relationship more than sexual intimacy.
He would consider dating a woman if they met naturally and the emotional chemistry was powerful.
He has tried dating men but finds there is seldom good sexual chemistry.

He can imagine living monogamously with the "right" woman OR any compatible man.
He is proactively seeking a relationship with a man.
He is passively open to the plausibility of a relationship with a woman.

Does changing the picture change your opinion?
Or, does telling you the reason why I'm asking the question?

To test that possibility, here's the reason --- 

He wants to come out to his family.


Are you SURE the picture doesn't matter?

One more question...

What if the guy I've described is me, would that change your answer?


Please answer once in the poll on the top right. 

If you discovered that the pictures and/or my questions changed your opinion, or if you have other thoughts on the topic to share, please do so below.



  1. You describe me. I identify as gay. I think the reason I am married is societal. I think the picture makes a difference, but I think it is societal again.

  2. IMHO things are somewhat fluid in general. Perhaps the man you mention should not come out as gay or bi, but should talk to family and friends to explain how he feels, what his experience of love/affection and attraction is. Even explain that for him labels have not been all that helpful, but that he is a man who wants to love and be loved and would like that to be in a long term relationship, quite likely with a man. The label is perhaps less important than being able to be honest and to be accepted (one hopes!) by those who know and love him already.
    I did not vote because I do not have a gut sense. My husband once identified as gay, then as bi during a 30 year marriage with a woman, then as gay again after their divorce and that is what he says today. Me? Gay!

  3. Cam, I've followed your story since you first started blogging (I think) and you've followed mine. What's all this about suddenly labeling "a guy" whether it be you or someone else?

    No, the photos made no difference.

    I read the following awhile ago, and I thought it profound. Amazing that it came from the mouth of a 19-year-old boy, but it was so well worded, I plagiarized him when I came out to my parents, and later friends.

    Tom Daley, Olympic Swimmer said: “Come spring this year, my life changed massively when I met someone and they made me feel so happy, so safe, and everything just feels great. And that someone is a guy........ ”

    My point being, if you want to come out to you family, there is no need to label yourself or anyone else. There's plenty of others willing to do it for you.

  4. How about thinking of this less as a binary (gay or bi) question, and more of a spectrum question like the Kinsey Scale suggests: 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). I find myself around a 4. My desire gravitates toward men, but I'm aroused by women on rare occasion. It's not so black and white for me, and that's why I try to avoid gay/bi/straight labels.

  5. "Cameron,"

    This is your friend from across the bridge.

    I think your nuanced multi-paragraph essay is more compelling than any label, whether it's the one you give yourself or the one that wins the poll. But what's even more compelling is that you are in a relationship with the Architect, who just happens to be a man.

    One of the messages of the Gay Liberation Movement, back in the day, was that people should be free to love whomever they want. That message seems to have been eclipsed by those who say that the gay identity is distinct, inate, and immutable. And for some people, *that* message provides comfort. Does it provide comfort for you as well?

    Perhaps saying that you loved your wife and that now you love the Architect is all you need to say. But if it isn't, it's up to you, not your loyal readers, to make the call.

  6. I was pretty sure it was you, but thought you'd already come out to your family. Anyway, I would give you at 70% gay and 30% bi rating based on what you presented above and what I've seen on your blog over the years. I think you could pull it off with the right woman but that would be like finding a needle in a haystack. The right guy for you won't be super easy, but much more likely.