tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post626655337024885882..comments2023-07-01T05:35:37.292-07:00Comments on If I Do the Right Thing: Your ex-wife says you're gay - but you're notTwoLiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-81267159064331661872014-03-07T16:44:57.632-08:002014-03-07T16:44:57.632-08:00Given that he is lying to the kids about her and a...Given that he is lying to the kids about her and about their relationship, she has a right to defend herself and attempt to restore herself in their eyes. But she should confine it to telling them the facts and leave out any unproven conclusions she has drawn about what lies behind the abuse.<br /><br />The father has already drawn the kids into this by lying to them about her, so she won't be the one doing it if she tells them the truth,naturgesetzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15268507379933286863noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-28091744417095124682014-03-06T08:25:05.696-08:002014-03-06T08:25:05.696-08:00Me too, I believe that the main problem here was t...Me too, I believe that the main problem here was the man has a narcissist personal disorder, not that he is a gay. Yet he MIGHT be a gay. <br />Since this story is in so many points resembling to my own (abusive, manipulative and hyper-controlling GH with NPD), I would not deny at so firmly that the husband is gay. I wouldn´t call that statement homophobic too. You have to understand that a typical straight wife, who is married to a nice, empathetic man who just happened to be gay, is at first devastated by The Gay Thing. That is what makes her suffer most. What hurts (with all the lies etc, as the author of this blog have said thousand times already). But being married to a gay who has other issues (as described above) makes the straight wife focused on other things - TGT is just a small part of all the torture she´s experiencing. Because of my own experience, I do not think that just because she didn´t write further about how she found her husband was gay etc - he is surely not. If I was to tell you about what happened in my marriage, surely I would start with severe social isolation, lack of support, lack of compassion or even mercy, denying access to medical services, abuse in front of the kids... and only then(!) I´d probably shortly note that my husband has SSA (I would not describe the Craighslists adds nor the gay porn etc... because in the sum of all what is happening, this is just a small thing - eventhoug it is probably that thing which causes all this rage and cruelty).<br /><br />However, I agree with Anonymous of March 5th - if the guy is so manipulative, he would make the boys heads mess. On the other hand, she is at risk that the boys will never understand (adopting an opinion can make them keep it forever) - they lost a parent and they need to keep image of the one who "didn´t leave them". A complicated situation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-63032674733483168072014-03-05T13:47:07.791-08:002014-03-05T13:47:07.791-08:00I feel for this woman tremendously. Women are so ...I feel for this woman tremendously. Women are so often victimized by men in so many ways - emotional, physical, verbal - and it seems like she's been on the wrong side of that power struggle for a long time.<br /><br />Like many of the other commenters, I don't think she should tell her children all the sordid details of her marriage with their father. If he's as wonderfully manipulative as she says, they won't believe her. It's better for them to find out on their own as they start to see that things just don't add up.<br /><br />I do feel that she just wants someone to know everything that's been going on and to SEE her for what she's dealt with over the years. Obviously she wants her children to see, but they aren't the right people for her to divulge her burden.<br /><br />I hope she's getting a lot of hugs...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-2359635080268211652014-02-26T08:48:18.526-08:002014-02-26T08:48:18.526-08:00The whole scenario is one of abuse, power and cont...The whole scenario is one of abuse, power and control. She is fortunate to be getting away from this man. It takes many years sometime for an abused woman to escape such a relationship, as it did her. Thank goodness she is seeking counseling to hopefully to restore her sanity and self-worth. <br /><br />My worry is the boys who have been raised in this environment. The example they have received from their dad could have some very negative impact on how they will view relationships with women. They, to, could become abusers just like their dad. His ability to control and manipulate them is very implicit. Telling them what he wants them to know and not letting their mother have any say about the separation is his way of controlling them and leaving them with a negative view of their mother. This is seen in the 2nd son in not having anything to do with his mom. <br /><br />The oldest boy seems to be struggling with understanding the situation and still emotionally supporting his mom. A good counselor could help him sort out his feelings if he is willing to seek the help. I hope he does.<br /><br />Hopefully the younger boys will be able to see their dad for who he really is on their own. But for mom to try and tell them about their dad at this point would not be good, because they are probably not ready to hear it. They are still under the control of their dad and mom would sound like she is just trying to get back at him. <br /><br />This is just another story of how one person controls others in a very negative way.<br /><br />dl.mileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02030210295998261369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-84447143837365943402014-02-25T17:24:11.634-08:002014-02-25T17:24:11.634-08:00I concur on the sociopath comment.I concur on the sociopath comment.RBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17761591668246881356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-36184726820663381532014-02-25T15:28:00.308-08:002014-02-25T15:28:00.308-08:00I agree that the desire to watch your wife have se...I agree that the desire to watch your wife have sex with other people does not meet with my understanding of sexual or relational health, it is not as such an indication that her husband is gay.<br /><br />I have had as many trials with my husband as anyone, and I can see no good reason for her to start opening up to her kids about this. In time, when they are fully grown and on their own, then may take a look at the past and come to her asking question. Perhaps at that time, some honest disclosures about how destructive the marriage had been, could be instructive to her kids.<br /><br />In the mean time, she has boys who are coming of age. She should do what she can to uplift the good qualities her husband has. I know that this is hard. For me to do uplift Jason to my girls while he was out at sea, was an exercise of sacrificial love to my children and my husband.<br /><br />That said, one parent should not seek to sour their children's opinion of the other parent. However flawed the parent may be. It is in the child's best interest to make peace, to seek and offer forgiveness to the parents so that they are not wounded adults actin out irrationally in response to the hurts they have from their family of origin.<br /><br />Rather than go into the hurtful details of her sins and the sins of her husband, she should be silent or say uplifting things about her ex husband. Far better for her to focus her energy on healing herself: claiming responsibility for her wrongs both of action and inaction, and seeking to understand and forgive him of his feelings.<br /><br />I know this woman feels like she just wants her kids to to know the truth. My guess is that she really wants to lay the facts bare so that her sons will lay the lion's share of the blame on the dad. She says she just wants to be honest, but I think on some level she wants to diminish the her husband in the eyes of the sons and no good is served by this.<br /><br />One day the boys will have a reckoning with their father for the things he did that hurt them directly, and that will be hard enough as it is. The mother should not make her hurts their hurts by disclosing to them the intimate details of the marriage and all is abuses.Creationhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18290848701905019542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-734845485254035432014-02-25T03:55:31.317-08:002014-02-25T03:55:31.317-08:00There is an entire community of straight men that ...There is an entire community of straight men that get off on their wives having sex with other men. Many aspects of that fetish may lead her to believe that he is gay, but nothing in her complaint gave that indication from my reading. Her bigger problem is that he is a controlling jerk with substance abuse problems.<br /><br />I am a firm believer that you don;t have to make your case to your teenage kids, because eventually, they will figure it out. If they haven't put two and two together yet, she could send them further away from the truth by trying to expose it tot hem. I am opposed to either parent EVER saying anything negative about the other to the kids, and I just have faith that the one who talks bad loses in the end.<br /><br />Granted, we've only read her side of the story, but that family has lots of problems.JFBreakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10719992585455828870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-57993560042366154512014-02-24T17:12:29.522-08:002014-02-24T17:12:29.522-08:00I agree that there is nothing that screams gay her...I agree that there is nothing that screams gay here except his supposed lack of interest in sex with her. He may be gay or he may have some other issue. If all that she says is true (and as far fetched as the story sounds, if you read the new, it does happen) he's a dangerous man. <br /><br />I really don't have an opinion about whether she involves the kids. I think it's way past time to seek professional help. If even half of this is true, I'd be scared to deathAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-36678828846311598752014-02-24T09:20:13.283-08:002014-02-24T09:20:13.283-08:00Okay, that guy doesn't sound gay. He sounds l...Okay, that guy doesn't sound gay. He sounds like a sociopath. He *may* be a gay sociopath, but there's no indication of that at all.<br /><br />Everything he did was manipulative and controlling and often destructive; that's pretty much the definition of sociopathic behavior. Blaming it on homosexuality without any evidence that her husband was sexually attracted to men is pretty homophobic. That doesn't mean that he was "in the right" or justified - not by a long shot - but it's not right either.<br /><br />I think the kids need to know their dad is potentially dangerous, because they need to be protected against that: if he's pulling that kind of crap on her, there's no reason why he wouldn't do the same thing with them (and from the "drinking" conversation/excuse, it looks like he's started to). Safety comes before any sense of "fair play".Austinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15289493499922076048noreply@blogger.com