tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post8592482149925947600..comments2023-07-01T05:35:37.292-07:00Comments on If I Do the Right Thing: Struggling Bi-Married Men and their Wives - Part TwoTwoLiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-77821897999261373642012-04-27T20:18:10.657-07:002012-04-27T20:18:10.657-07:00Wow Nick, that's awesome. If things eventually...Wow Nick, that's awesome. If things eventually don't work out for us, I would hope things work out as well as they have for you and your family. <br /><br />I don't know how things will end up. There are days still that I'm full of angst and worry and self-doubt. But at this point, I'm generally happy with where I'm at. <br /><br />Here's hoping...Seanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04182765542079878252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-8413314352381438232012-04-26T07:00:08.628-07:002012-04-26T07:00:08.628-07:00Sean, Sorry I'm a tad blunt, I mean nothing j...Sean, Sorry I'm a tad blunt, I mean nothing judgmental by it (I typically warn people up front about my bluntness). I took the opportunity to read a little on your blog before commenting further.<br /><br />I know all to well the juggling act you're playing in your mind. I'm impressed you've been so open with your wife, the new BFF & this blog to help you deal with your sexuality. It's one of the cornerstone's of my comments, that each of us dealing with mixed orientation marriages needs to seek help, as going-it-alone will keep you bordering on suicidal.<br /><br />Our situation is just another unique variation within the LGBTQ collective we get thrown into & the life styles we live are just as unique. Typically they are frowned upon, made fun or or even vehemently opposed. So finding support, help & acceptance is very difficult & then figuring out what to do is just as complex.<br /><br />You do whatever works for you & your family. However, just know that when you openly identify yourself as 80% attracted to men & you continually struggle to keep those feeling in-check, you are trying to cage a huge core aspect of your identity. Something that affects every aspect of your mental being and health. The openness you now feel from having let part of this secret out, is very much what I'm talking about - the freedom "you" gain by others accepting your true identity is incredibly up lifting. Keep doing this, no matter where it takes you in life. We all do only have one life to live, with no "do over's". Make it count for all involved, knowing of course that the truth for all involved is hard to handle.<br /><br />BTW, things did work out in my situation, my wife is still my best friend, but would not take me back as her husband. We've crafted a new family relationship for all involved, that included divorce. But we are still very much a family, hang out, vacation, parent & work together.<br /><br />Nick, Fort Wayne, INNick, Fort Waynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15035635861547407713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-81455216935159107992012-04-25T13:57:24.125-07:002012-04-25T13:57:24.125-07:00Yes Nick, I'll be sure to let you know. I'...Yes Nick, I'll be sure to let you know. I'm sure I'll end up exactly like you, since everyone's life experiences are identical. o_O<br /><br /> Look, like I keep saying, I can't see the fucking future. I've personally known couples that have split up over way less than the shit I/we deal with. The bottom line, however, is that we love each other, we get along great, we have a good sex life, we are both there for our kids every day...why should we just throw all this away? If it eventually doesn't work out, we will at least know we tried, and know the depth of love we DO have for each other. <br /><br />I'm sorry that things didn't work out in your situation, truly. And I'm aware of the abysmal statistics of marriages like mine.<br /><br />But this is my road, and I alone can walk it.Seanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04182765542079878252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-43395182575839345422012-04-23T07:43:12.819-07:002012-04-23T07:43:12.819-07:00Cameron, As I've said before, thank you for t...Cameron, As I've said before, thank you for the opportunity to participate in these discussions. It truly has been a great compilation of very interesting peoples opinions. I'm enjoying the "heat", it's sparking some lively debate & dare I say, getting a few peoples backs up. That's great, that is what debate is about, I'm not here to win any argument or help validate any other person's opinion. I have my opinions, based on my experiences (both personally & through many friends), I'm "blunt" about these, as I think I've stated before. (Also, I'm just not very good in the "subtle" arena), however I do understand 100% the aspects of respecting a man's coming out timeframe! I believe we all need help & prodding to face the realities of who we are & what we are doing, & this aspect is squarely pointed at the guys that are cheating unabated with other men, behind their wife's backs (so all you open "Bi" guys can calm down now).<br /><br />Of course, perhaps the real win-win you are proposing, ultimately speeds up the process of the man being honest with his wife about feelings for men; then re-dedicating himself to his wife & ultimately realizing that no amount of excess intimacy with a woman, will kill off, or even hold down the feelings he still has, that make him gay. (I know here I go again).<br /><br />Thanks as always, Nick, Fort Wayne, INNick, Fort Waynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15035635861547407713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-4373520682401281472012-04-22T23:04:37.342-07:002012-04-22T23:04:37.342-07:00Nick - I think the reason you're getting a lot...Nick - I think the reason you're getting a lot of heat is because you rely too heavily on your own experiences. Bisexual and gay men (and every other broad category of people) are very diverse. There really are bisexual men who are equally attracted to men and women. There really are gay men who can find fulfillment in marriages to straight women, and, there really are straight women who can find fulfillment in marriages to gay men.<br /><br />But let's set that aside. Can we agree that no man will willingly come out until he is ready? If so, then I suggest you consider a more subtle approach of helping a man understand himself vs. one where he is told who he is and what he must do. <br /><br />As I hope to show, the win-win is a mission in self-discovery. If executed properly, both the man and woman will KNOW how they feel about each other and about continuing their marriage. The answers will come from within, and as such, whatever they may be, they will be the right ones.TwoLiveshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-39074787968713743222012-04-22T22:38:31.934-07:002012-04-22T22:38:31.934-07:00Since you're not at all anonymous to me, I hav...Since you're not at all anonymous to me, I have to wonder if this comment was meant to be funny or serious. Although I got a good laugh out of it, I'll give a serious answer.<br /><br />As I said in the previous post, I REGRET not taking Gabbie's complaints about our lack of true intimacy seriously. If I had the opportunity, yes, I would definitely pursue the win-win.<br /><br />The thing is, and as you know, that ship has sailed. She found someone she likes better. And if he wasn't around, she'd find someone else. I had nearly 20 years to get my shit together and I didn't do it. Now I'm trying to see if I can avoid fucking up relationships with a whole new gender.TwoLiveshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-7201945056498208862012-04-22T22:25:52.407-07:002012-04-22T22:25:52.407-07:00The win-win is not about the man having his cake a...The win-win is not about the man having his cake and eating it too. It's about both the husband and wife KNOWING whether they can be emotionally and sexually fulfilled by each other.<br /><br />So far I've only written about the first half of the win-win. Within that half, I can't imagine that any wife would react negatively to any husband's sincere effort to rebuild true intimacy within the marriage. For this reason, the key to success falls squarely on the husband.TwoLiveshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-71709933265695960492012-04-22T22:15:37.132-07:002012-04-22T22:15:37.132-07:00Thanks for reading and commenting Paul. I'll ...Thanks for reading and commenting Paul. I'll be curious to see what you think about the second half of the win-win.TwoLiveshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05801244463128618355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-17002804090057090762012-04-22T17:11:13.634-07:002012-04-22T17:11:13.634-07:00Nick that was MOST innappropriate. MOST! You fai...Nick that was MOST innappropriate. MOST! You failed at your commitments, why you would wish that on anyone else is beyond me?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-80768950626375619352012-04-22T07:32:15.266-07:002012-04-22T07:32:15.266-07:00Sean, Been there ....done that..exact same scenari...Sean, Been there ....done that..exact same scenario ......call me in three years & we'll see how you're doing then...good luck.Nick, Fort Waynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15035635861547407713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-87415162297375997702012-04-21T08:24:24.670-07:002012-04-21T08:24:24.670-07:00Omg! I'm...honored?
I've been awful at u...Omg! I'm...honored? <br /><br />I've been awful at updating my blog. I've been concentrating more on my relationship with my wife and kids, so between that and work I simply don't have the time that I used to. <br /><br />Look, Angry In Indiana, I can't claim to see the future. Is this a temporary fix? Perhaps, but it doesn't feel that way. Instead we feel more connected than ever, and in addition are having great sex. However, should we just go ahead and knock our bullshit off now since you know better? Maybe you can help with explaining to my kids why mommy and daddy need to split up--because, according to some dude that doesn't know us, daddy loves penis more than mommy, and until daddy leaves mommy to pursue dick full time, daddy and mommy are just lying to themselves, and to you. Yes?<br /><br />Ack! <br /><br />The bottom line is I got scarily truthful with her, and with myself. Do you know how hard it was to look at my wife and admit that I'm primarily attracted to men? To admit that I did not know if I could remain married to her? It's not like we sugar coated anything. She ended our marriage at least 3 times that night. But in the end, we decided we loved each other enough to at least try, for fuck's sake. And luckily, for whatever reason, I discovered more straightness in me that I would have thought existed. <br /><br />I think that is the part that is suspect in most people's minds--all of a sudden I'm just into straight sex? Well, first of all, it's not like I've NEVER enjoyed it. It's just that I allowed my fears to overtake my ability to just BE in the moment with her and enjoy it. So, now that I've faced those fears, I can do that, not only again, but better than ever...which in turn has heightened our desire for each other. <br /><br />So like I've said on my blog--I can't see the future, but I can see what I have right here and right now. I see no reason to just throw it away. If things change, we have agreed to stay honest with each other. <br /><br />Thanks Cameron. You continue to be an amazing guy.Seanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04182765542079878252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-476223701483461342012-04-21T08:22:50.276-07:002012-04-21T08:22:50.276-07:00Omg! I'm...honored?
I've been awful at u...Omg! I'm...honored? <br /><br />I've been awful at updating my blog. I've been concentrating more on my relationship with my wife and kids, so between that and work I simply don't have the time that I used to. <br /><br />Look, Angry In Indiana, I can't claim to see the future. Is this a temporary fix? Perhaps, but it doesn't feel that way. Instead we feel more connected than ever, and in addition are having great sex. However, should we just go ahead and knock our bullshit off now since you know better? Maybe you can help with explaining to my kids why mommy and daddy need to split up--because, according to some dude that doesn't know us, daddy loves penis more than mommy, and until daddy leaves mommy to pursue dick full time, daddy and mommy are just lying to themselves, and to you. Yes?<br /><br />Ack! <br /><br />The bottom line is I got scarily truthful with her, and with myself. Do you know how hard it was to look at my wife and admit that I'm primarily attracted to men? To admit that I did not know if I could remain married to her? It's not like we sugar coated anything. She ended our marriage at least 3 times that night. But in the end, we decided we loved each other enough to at least try, for fuck's sake. And luckily, for whatever reason, I discovered more straightness in me that I would have thought existed. <br /><br />I think that is the part that is suspect in most people's minds--all of a sudden I'm just into straight sex? Well, first of all, it's not like I've NEVER enjoyed it. It's just that I allowed my fears to overtake my ability to just BE in the moment with her and enjoy it. So, now that I've faced those fears, I can do that, not only again, but better than ever...which in turn has heightened our desire for each other. <br /><br />So like I've said on my blog--I can't see the future, but I can see what I have right here and right now. I see no reason to just throw it away. If things change, we have agreed to stay honest with each other. <br /><br />Thanks Cameron. You continue to be an amazing guy.Seanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04182765542079878252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-89499506535547169542012-04-20T19:50:22.405-07:002012-04-20T19:50:22.405-07:00It seems the key to the win-win falls squarely on ...It seems the key to the win-win falls squarely on the reaction of the wife. She has to be incredibly understanding and accommodating. If she is willing to accept the arrangement of her husband acting on his desires and she is not threatened by him getting action on the side (while they continue to have sex as a couple) then some kind of equilibrium is established. Even if the marriage is sexless, it could still work out. I expect the desire to want to keep the family together, the disdain of divorce, the appeal of continued financial security all have roles to play in the decision to stay together. <br /><br />What seems very rare though is where the wife comes out as a lesbian -- you hardly hear of any husbands wanting to stay married in those instances.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-42158804781297317412012-04-20T17:31:55.856-07:002012-04-20T17:31:55.856-07:00Cameron, I really agree with you that the win-win...Cameron, I really agree with you that the win-win is possible for some guys. I think of The Bi Married Mafia and Jack Scott, maybe even Sean, though we haven't heard from him lately. But I think it takes a special married couple to do so - a husband not to far over on the gay side of the spectrum and a wife with a high level of tolerance, low level of self esteem, or some other factor emotional factor that allows her to go along with this. Of course, Nick may be right for the vast majority guys. But thanks for sharing your win-win advice. I might have been tempted to try it if I had read it 3 years ago. PaulPaulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12775219683154536934noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-73585626975093107432012-04-19T07:18:39.674-07:002012-04-19T07:18:39.674-07:00I'm forever the pessimist on these Win-Win'...I'm forever the pessimist on these Win-Win's. It's hard in these stories to show any sustainability, none of them has any longevity to them, (I know Jack Scott's has a longer time-frame, but he's still fucking around with a guy albeit with his wife's permission). <br /><br />My personal experience and wider spread friends experience is all of these are "temporary" solutions. Nothing long term & thus becomes the core of my complaint, you are just delaying the inevitable, Man-Up and own the "right thing to do". Most women that have gotten divorced or separated after these type of "hopeful" win-win scenarios have told me they wished they had gotten on with dealing with things more cleanly & divorced sooner. They feel even more lied to and manipulated. It's not that you don't love your straight spouse, it's just you can't be their "all" & forever lover!!<br /><br />Nick, Fort Wayne, INNick, Fort Waynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15035635861547407713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606416433665118559.post-52599987786463990182012-04-18T18:41:58.514-07:002012-04-18T18:41:58.514-07:00So are you going to try this strategy with Gabby?So are you going to try this strategy with Gabby?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com