If I Do the Right Thing

Sex? Yes! Coffee? No!!!!!!!!!

2012-02-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sex is easy to find, but actual dates? Not so much.

I've tried a little of everything, from social groups to bars to relationship-oriented dating sites. I'm not sure that any one method is better than the others. What seems to be most important is to be proactive about meeting new people. Finding someone is mostly a numbers game.

What sucks for me is that my numbers are horrible.

Over the last few weeks I have proactively contacted ten different 40-something guys on a dating site and asked if they'd be interested in meeting for coffee or a drink. Nine of them ignored me.

I haven't tried, but my guess is that if I asked ten different guys on Grindr to come over for a hook-up I'd have much more success. I say that because I consistently get more attention on Grindr than I ever have on a traditional dating site.

What's up with that?

I really wish I could have a few coffee dates just to find out. The kind of men I'm hunting - (supposedly) relationship-oriented, single, urban gay men over the age of 40 - are largely a mystery to me. I don't understand what makes them tick or why they do what they do. I certainly don't understand why they have an active profile on a dating site if they don't want to meet for coffee.

Of course I spend a lot of time blaming myself. Do all 40-something guys have a 90% rejection rate (and counting...) or am I just that undesirable?

Why can't I look more like Matt Damon?

I'd be practically suicidal by now if it wasn't for Grindr. Thankfully the hook-up crowd doesn't ignore me.

The thing is...how can I be good enough to want to fuck but not good enough to have coffee with?

Seriously: WTF?

Although every rejection makes me feel more discouraged, the good news is that I am developing a thicker skin. I now fully expect to be rejected.

The other 'good' news is that I still have plenty of guys I can ask out. Which is what I intend to do. I'll keep asking, they'll keep ignoring me and eventually I'll switch to a new dating site where I can repeat the process all over again. Fun!

On a more positive note, one guy did agree to meet. He was actually the first guy I asked so that was a short-lived ego boost.

I picked him first because he was in the middle of my list. I thought it would be wise to start with a no-pressure practice date. Mark was good practice. He's four years older, very nice and easy to talk with. We didn't have any romantic chemistry but he very graciously invited me to a hors d'oeuvres / dinner out event that he and his roommates host weekly - a perfect event for me. It's like coffee with a bunch of new people without having to ask.

The week after we met, I took Mark up on his dinner-out offer and met four of his friends. How should I describe them? They were odd. An Asian Steve Erkel, a 'professional' massage therapist (aka Gay with No Job), a curmudgeonly senior, and, the most interesting of all, the biggest stoner I've met since high school. Practically every sentence he said had something do with getting high or smoking pot.

In addition to the one date with Mark, I've been pinged a few times - all by guys who are 5 or more years older.

Last weekend I met one guy, Nick, a 52yo. I was pretty indifferent about meeting him until he told me that he came out of the closet at 40. I figured that even if we had no chemistry I could at least learn from his experiences.

Nick has never been married. In fact, the longest relationship he's ever had, with a man or a woman, is three years. I can see why; he's someone who blends into the background. A 'nice guy.' I feel bad for him.

Our date was brunch. The entire time we were in the restaurant we had to share a table with a straight couple. Although our conversation never lagged it was awkward having the straights there; neither of us felt free to talk openly. Because I really wanted to hear about his experiences dating men, when we finished eating, I suggested that we walk. Which we did for more than an hour.

Unfortunately, Nick's experiences with men were pretty meager. When I tried to get him to explain the mystique of the urban, relationship-seeking 40-something homo, he was as clueless as me.

The most 'exciting' part of the date happened when he said he wanted to kiss me. Until he said that, the possibility of kissing him had never entered my mind. Then he actually tried to do it - but I turned away. Awkward!

All I could think to say was, "I'm not ready for that."

After the aborted kiss we walked and talked for another 20 minutes, but I couldn't stop feeling traumatized. How do you nicely tell a seldom-loved guy that you don't want to kiss him?

Since meeting we've emailed back and forth a number of times but I remain very conflicted about what to do. It feels good to be wanted after being rejected by Gabbie. Likewise it feels good to be wanted after being rejected by guy after guy. I really crave being wanted. But I have no natural romantic feelings for him. I know I could learn to enjoy making out with him, but is that what I should be doing? Learning to enjoy it?

Maybe when I reach my 100th rejection in a row I'll think more seriously about 'letting' someone grow on me. Until then, I'm not beaten down enough to consider the idea.

OK, I just got an email that says "an exceptionally good match" is checking me out!

I wonder if it's anyone interesting. Drum roll please while I check....

Another admirer from the "73 years young!" crowd.

Really, it's amazing that I'm still single.

A Bisexual Husband: He Says / She Says

2012-02-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

I recently had the opportunity to witness a bisexual man and his straight wife speak candidly and independently about their marriage. Although I am quoting them directly, I made some editorial changes to keep their narratives tightly focused and to protect their identities.

The Bisexual Husband

Some days my marriage feels like a game to me, quick delete the emails and hide the gay porn! Other days it feels like I'm walking 500 miles in shit only to be rejected because I need more.

I'm living two lives right now. Physically... I'm a married man. I wear my wedding ring, I kiss my wife, we have sex. I don't physically cheat. I've never had sex with a man. I've hardly ever hugged a man. Mentally though, I struggle. I know that I'm married. I know that my wife has eyes for me. I know that I actually like having sex with her. Still, I'm drawn to men.

There are plenty of times that I wanted a cure for my bisexuality. I can see how it can enrich some peoples lives, but as for mine, please... lets cut it off. Like that leg... amputate it and please make life easier for me. Then I remember that this, this whole thing is a big part of me and it'll never ever just be shut off, cut off or wished away.

I don't know what I’m supposed to do. I love my wife and we have our problems but I know that life comes with problems, marriage isn't easy. If I didn't have my wife I would feel incomplete. I feel incomplete now, too. I'm puzzled and confused. Still it's comforting to know that there are that many people like me: stuck in the gray zone of needing something nearly unattainable. The bottom line is though, I've got the hots for my wife, as well as genuine love for her.

[How's your sex life?]

Sometimes we screw like hormonal teenagers and we'll have sex in the afternoons, before I go to work. I generally would refuse her because I felt that it made me sluggish and lazy at work... but it's actually put a pep in my step and it's increased my productivity. The afternoon sex sessions just keep getting better too.

The other day she jumped into the shower with me. That NEVER happens so it was a welcome surprise. Seeing her got me all hot and bothered so I started feeling her up... and SHE LET ME! Score! I pressed my self up against her and started pressing my cock up against her butt and other places. I was on cloud 9.

Another time I had been horny all day and after watching some old porn well off into the night, I was still in the mood despite having given up all hope to get laid. To my surprise my wife was horny and not at all tired. We started to have sex but something about it felt different, better. I can't put my finger on it, but something was completely different about this time. My excitement level was to the roof top.

Where does this leave me now? I've been pondering that. I'm still very much attracted to men but that night sure shook things up. Now I'm obsessing about my wife. I just want to crawl into bed and see if I can't make my way in between her legs.

The Straight Wife

We were married in September and only a few months later, in the following April I found evidence that he had been looking at profiles of gay men online. He assured me that he was only looking, just curious. I was devastated. We were newlyweds! I was so ashamed that I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended like it didn't happen.

A couple of years went by, and our sex life really started declining. He was depressed a lot. He would tell me he didn't feel good, or his head hurt, or he was tired, or his stomach hurt in order to get out of sex with me. A couple times I would find evidence of him chatting online, but he assured me that it was only talking, that it didn't mean anything, and that he loved me so much. He would have sex with me for 2 weeks, then slowly our relationship would drift back to him avoiding intimacy with me. This went on for a couple years.

Eventually I told him that I needed intimacy and I threatened to cheat on him. His answer was to say that he was so sorry, and that he knew that he denied me intimacy. He promised that he would have sex with me regularly.

Of course, the sex was never regular, and he NEVER initiated it. We would have terrible fights about it. He would make me feel so bad for wanting sex. He would blame me for him not wanting it. I felt so conflicted because I wanted my marriage to work. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad I was miserable. One day I just started praying, and I prayed to God that he would show me what to do. I begged him for a sign. Then, a few days after I prayed so fervently, some apps for gay men appeared on my phone. He didn't know that they'd be downloaded to my phone when I synced it. I confronted him, and of course he lied first then told me he was so sorry and he loves me so much. Again I didn't know what to do, so I told him that I needed time to think.

One night while he was sleeping, I took his phone and found out that he had another email account that I didn't know about, and saw emails dating back many months. I knew at that moment that I had to leave him. He talked to these men about doing the things with them that I wanted him to do with me..kissing, etc. I was so heartbroken.

I'm attempting to figure it all out, hoping that I can move in with my friend. Meanwhile my husband is begging me to stay. He promises to give me what I need, and if he can't then I can sleep with whomever I choose; although he has realized that he will never stop wanting to be with men.

He says he is bisexual and not gay...but I am done with that. I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be. He says that he really means it this time because he never thought that I would leave him, but now that it is a reality he is willing to do whatever it takes.....what a slap in the face!!!

I am feeling sorry for myself lately. All I ever wanted was family and children and I'm scared that now I will never have that. I was so stupid all those years. I hope that I haven't wasted too much time on him. I think that I am just ashamed of the situation. I am an educated woman, I went to graduate school, how could I have given him so many chances? How could I have believed he would change?

Not all bisexual men are the same and not all bisexual married men can identify with the man quoted above. But many can.

Clearly, he loves his wife. Clearly, he desires his wife. Also, he recognizes that he is far from perfect and that his marriage has some issues. But, wow, isn't his story astoundingly different from hers???

He is not unique. Many bi-married men are stuck in their own mire and cannot see how their actions, or lack there of, directly affect the important people in their lives. This man, for example, believes that the biggest threat to his marriage is his attraction to men. But that's not why his wife wants to leave. She wants to leave because she feels undesired, "I am done waiting on him to be what he says he will be."

Many couples do not communicate about their sexual problems. This couple did. And, they both made a sincere effort to improve their intimacy. But their progress was always short-lived. Within two weeks they always fell back into the same pattern. Why? Because wanting to desire a woman 'enough' is not a substitute for actually doing it.

I believe that this couple's experience powerfully demonstrates four truisms that can often be applied to the marriages of bisexual men:

Attraction doesn't kill marriages, lack of attraction does.This wife, and many like her, can accept a marriage to a bisexual husband. A surprising number of women are willing look the other way when it comes to infidelity. But even a faithful man's marriage will not endure unless his wife feels desired.

Labels don't matter. Any man who does not (or cannot) make his wife feel genuinely desired is on a slow but steady march to divorce court. This is true even if he is bisexual and even if he is straight. What a man believes about himself is irrelevant. He can be turned off by gay porn, and thereby be certain of his bisexuality, but if his wife does not feel authentically and regularly desired, he is no different to her than a gay man.

Lies matter. The reason this straight wife is angry is not so much that she unknowingly married a bisexual man, it's because he lied so often that he turned their marriage into a sad joke. Also, she's pissed that he wasted years of her life. Or more accurately, she's pissed at herself. The signs were there yet she ignored them.

Love is not enough. Pop culture and an untold number of fairy tales ingrain into us the certainty that love is enough to sustain a relationship. This is true. Love is what sustains many difficult relationships - how would teenagers be permitted to survive to adulthood without it?? As important as love is, most troubled marriages cannot be sustained on love alone. If there is no sexual desire, or not enough of it to be mutually satisfying, then the marriage will slowly unravel, like a ball of yarn. Friendships and families are sustained by love. The difference between those relationships and a marriage is not love, it's desire.

If you're reading this and you see something of yourself or your marriage in this couple's story, you might ask, what are you supposed to do about it? You love your wife, you married her with honest intentions, you have kids, you don't really want to live as an out gay man...what options do you have besides "keep on keeping on?"

Several.

One of those options, if handled correctly, should be a "win-win" - and no - it does not require that you tell your wife that you are attracted to men.

I will explain what this option is in a soon-to-come post. In the meantime, I look forward to reading your thoughtful comments.

Three Hook-Up Stories

2012-01-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

I first saw this story on MSNBC about two weeks ago:

A Michigan man has been charged with felony sex offenses after he told police he was HIV-positive and had set out to intentionally infect as many people as he could, police said. Health officials have issued an alert warning that "possibly hundreds of people have been exposed to HIV."

The man, identified as David Dean Smith, 51, of Comstock Park, north of Grand Rapids, was arraigned Wednesday on a second count of "AIDS-sexual penetration with an uninformed partner" after police said they had identified a second possible victim.

Smith was initially charged with one count after he went to Grand Rapids police last week and said he had intentionally had unprotected sex with as many people as he could over the last three years, according to police.

One of the two possible victims police say they have found so far said in an interview with NBC station WOOD-TV of Grand Rapids that she was diagnosed with HIV in October 2008.

The woman, whom authorities and NBC News are not identifying, said she knew immediately that it was Smith — whom she said she met through an ad on the Yahoo! Personals website — who had infected her. She called him "a predator" and "a sociopath."

The woman who spoke to WOOD said she had no doubt that there are many other victims. She said Smith told her that he had had sex with as many as 3,000 people, including men as well as women.

"He hits drifters," she said in the interview. "He hits people who are young. He hits young women, and from what I understand, he hits men, too. Those are his targets."

Report by M. Alex Johnson with contributions by Dani Carlson and Leon Hendrix of NBC station WOOD of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

A second story, recently told to me by my friend Chet:

One of Chet's friends, Mark, is over 60 and has been an out gay man living in San Francisco for more than 30 years. He arrived in the City before anyone knew what AIDS was. But within a few years, he knew it well. A great many of his friends caught the virus, got sick and died. Although Mark had lots of sex with lots of men, he always insisted on using condoms. That insistence paid off and kept him healthy for more than three decades.

Mark's good fortune ran out in 2009. He spent a weekend with friends in Palm Springs where he met a hot guy and they hooked up. Mark bottomed and as soon he felt the guy cum he knew the condom had broken.

To say that Mark was furious is an understatement. He had never had a condom fail so easily and he had certainly never had a guy cum in him if a condom did fail. He demanded that the guy show him the condom. It was in shreds. Mark immediately began to suspect that the guy had torn the condom; he had pulled all the way out and paused to adjust the condom before pounding him in the final round of fucking.

Because he was extremely suspicious of the guy's behavior, Mark was tested as soon as virus detection was possible. After more than 30 years of dodging the virus he tested positive. What's worse is that he has one of the most virulent forms of the virus. Mark was immediately put on several anti-HIV medications. Now, after only two years of infection, Chet says, "He has the look. You can tell by looking at him that he is positive."

Mark is convinced that the guy who fucked him knew he was positive. He's also convinced that the guy intentionally infected him.

A third story, this one from a straight wife, in her own words:

I spent the entire year, from April to November, dealing with my husband's non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Thru SEVEN rounds of chemo I went to every one with him - Three days - 4-5 hour days - every three weeks. Five stays in the hospital for low white blood counts... Then the miraculous statement: the lymphoma was gone!

But the symptoms remained.

They transferred him by ambulance to a University hospital an hour away for further testing. Then the week before Thanksgiving I am told over the phone that he has full blown AIDS. My husband & I just celebrated 20 years of marriage!!!!! How did this happen?

My husband finally admitted it - he'd been finding guys on Craigs List - for quite some time.

I was devastated beyond belief.

How could this even be possible? He said he loved me. I broke my back taking care of him this entire year, literally, feeding him because he was too weak. I freaking changed Depends for weeks!!

Then I learn that he's been cold heartedly cheating on me??? And for who knows how long.

It turns out it was a long time. The clinic says it has been a while for it to have developed into full blown aids.

Cheating, lying, not using protection - and then coming home and letting me think we were a happy couple?!!!!!!

You can't imagine the pain I felt.

The doctors say he has a 50/50 chance of living a long life, AIDS drugs are that good. Well, I've decided I just want him out of my life.

I've packed his things... very painful. ... not sure what to do with them all.

I've started getting our finances in order - things in my name etc.

The next big step is to find a lawyer - and I'm ready. Seriously ready.

Because I lived near San Francisco in the early '80s, I remember the first years of the AIDS crisis extremely well. It really was a crisis. And if you caught the virus it was a death sentence.

Thanks to the development of numerous anti-HIV medications, the dread of AIDS is not nearly as daunting as it once was.

But as these stories show, even one incident of unprotected sex can forever change your life. There are sick people in this world, people who will do whatever it takes to infect you. The only thing you can trust is a condom, and even then, as Mark's story shows, a condom is only as trustworthy as its wearer.

Hook-ups can be a thrill. But every time you have one, you'd better make damn sure you stay 100% protected.

Reading about this is not fun...but it is reality.

No Longer Keeping Up Appearances

2012-01-05T18:11:00.000-08:00

In my last post I wrote about my to-be-ex's desire to "keep up appearances." That has meant hiding both her five-year affair and my homosexuality from our three teenagers (and others). Her goal has been to "protect the family from public humiliation and embarrassment."

Ever since we separated a year ago, I have honored that request. But as I explained in the last post, I've come to realize that continuing the lies is doing more harm than good.

I recently discussed my concerns with my to-be-ex, Gabbie. We talked for about ten minutes, maybe less, before she agreed that the kids need to be told that Charlie is her boyfriend. We're holding off on the gay announcement for now.

I was a little surprised that she agreed so quickly. I asked her, "Why did we wait so long?"

Her answer: "I hadn't really thought about it. Also, I want to be respectful of you."

The irony of that statement made me groan. She thought she was being considerate? And yet I felt imprisoned. I kicked myself for not saying something sooner.

Just moments after we made the decision, we told our oldest, who is about to turn 18. His response? "That's fine. But if Charlie does anything to hurt you mom, he's going to have to deal with me!"

Um, sure. The kid goes to karate for 10 years and now he thinks he's Bruce Lee? Even with his youth, strength and technical training, I doubt he could survive a first punch from Charlie. Whatever. The protective warning aside, he obviously took the news well.

It turned out that we didn't have a good opportunity to tell the other two kids until two days later. The youngest one, our 12 year old daughter, spoke first, and instead of addressing us, she turned to her 14 year old brother John and said, "Now you owe me ten dollars!"

Yes, apparently the two of them had placed a bet on the subject. And THAT was what they wanted to talk about. The big drama for the night was the possibility that tight-wad John might have to pay $10 to his sister.

I decided that the bet was a good opportunity to learn more about their thoughts. I asked, "How long ago did you make that bet?" The answer: "About two weeks."

That was about the same time my daughter started asking me odd questions about her mother and Charlie. It was those questions that brought the issue to my attention.

Knowing that she's only been wondering for two weeks was a relief. It meant that I hadn't been needlessly treading water for months.

As I analyze the situation in retrospect, what I find most interesting isn't that the kids were observant. THEY really weren't. Only my daughter was and even then it took her almost a year. No, what I've taken from this experience is that kids will eventually sniff out the truth. And when they start to ask questions, that's the signal that they're ready to be told. It's as if their brains begin to "see" what's going on as soon as they're ready to emotionally process it. I'm not certain yet, but I may wait for the same phenomenon to repeat itself before I come out.

Overall, I'm very happy with the way we've handled each step of our split. It's felt strangely...natural. Hopefully the news that daddy is dating men will be received in the same way.

Here's a funny story:

About 20 minutes after Gabbie's big announcement my daughter said to me, "Daddy, maybe you should move to Texas."

"Why?"

"Because there are lots of women in Texas. And they wear big hats. You know, sombreros." I gave her a very puzzled look.

"You know. Lots of women, so you can date."

"Ooooh," I said finally getting it. I was confused by the big hats. What was that all about? "I don't plan on moving to Texas. And I'm not really into women that wear sombreros (or women at all, I thought to myself), so that's probably not going to happen."

Clearly the child has a way to go before she perfects her detective skills.

Keeping Up Appearances

2011-12-28T22:00:00.000-08:00

"Solutions for Divided Bisexual Married Men" is still under construction. Thanks for your patience.

***

2010 was an incredibly chaotic year for my 20 year marriage.

Most of the drama was captured in posts on this blog. Long-term readers might recall that my wife Gabbie was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend Charlie; that Charlie was a hard-core alcoholic who, when drunk and angry, was a seriously lethal threat (years ago he killed a man during a bar fight); that Gabbie was seldom home and thereby abdicated her role as mother and wife; that she was regularly drunk; and that she and Charlie constantly fought, which more than once prompted police intervention.

Although Gabbie first began seeing Charlie in 2006, last year's events were extreme. Clearly, the situation was out of control, and other than kicking her out of the house and further into his arms, there was nothing I was willing to do to take control of the mess. Besides, he was such a disaster, I KNEW it was only a matter of time before she'd be finished with him.

My willingness to be patient was criticized by many readers: "why do you tolerate their behavior? And what about the kids?!" Looking back, I think I made the right decision. Had I kicked her out, that might have made for a clean break between us, but it also would have had dire consequences for her and for her relationship with the kids. They were largely unaware of the drama; all they complained about was that she was gone too often. Kicking her out would have made for a better outcome for me but I think it would have been permanently harmful to everyone else. For that reason I don't regret being patient.

I can't remember when the last crazy, drunken episode happened. It might have been in November of 2010. There has been only one incident this year, in March, and that was pretty minor - a fight between the two of them where he was very drunk and she was somewhat buzzed. Overall, 2011 has been completely different than 2010, especially the latter three-quarters of the year.

Although Charlie is and always will be an alcoholic, his drinking has been much more moderate this year. It's been many months since I've seen him drunk. Gabbie has morphed from being a 24/7 bar hag to a home-body who likes to bake. She and Charlie still go out, but far less often and for much shorter times. Last Friday, for example, she was home by 9pm.

Charlie's relatively good behavior has been a major frustration for me. Whereas in the Spring I had big hopes of getting him deported (with Gabbie's blessing) now she wants him to stay. Also, a recovering alcoholic/countrymate/friend of Charlie's has kept him employed for most of this year. Charlie gets to keep the job as long as he's sober at work. Having a steady job is a major accomplishment for Charlie and the fear of losing it has done a lot to curb his drinking. While it is inevitable that he will screw up and get himself fired, the path he's on is literally paying off for him. Therefore I don't expect any surprises soon. This means that whether I like him or not, Charlie is here to stay.

Recently Gabbie's mother convinced Gabbie to accept a truckload of garage sale items from a friend of hers. I didn't even know about this arrangement until Charlie started unloading a bunch of crap into our family room. My reaction was, "What the hell? We don't need any of this!" But even more surprising than the junk was my 12 year-old daughter's reaction to it - she wanted to know if Charlie was moving in.

Given that she saw Charlie moving several pieces of unfamiliar furniture into the house, her question was entirely logical. And once I explained the truth, she didn't give it another thought. Still, I believe her question indicates that she is increasingly suspicious of her mother's "friendship" with Charlie. And while she is not yet mature enough to put the pieces together, she is far more aware than either of her brothers who are two and six years older; they are clueless.

My daughter's question made me realize something important, something that I've taken for granted and shouldn't have: although we told the kids nearly a year ago that we were separated, and although I sleep in my own bed in my own room, and although I stopped wearing my wedding ring in October, we still haven't told the kids that mommy has a boyfriend. Why not??!!!!

Given our awkward situation, my homosexuality and her long affair, I've left it to Gabbie to spread the word to friends and family that we are separated. It's been important to her to contain the embarrassment of our lives; she doesn't want to be "a joke." I get that. What I don't understand is her end-game. Her "keep-the-secrets-hidden" approach is certain to fail eventually. Then what? It's like she wants us to be characters in a '50s housewife novel where everything is normal and dignified on the surface but in reality that's all a phony charade.

I haven't objected to Gabbie's whitewash philosophy because it serves an important short-term purpose: it keeps the kids' lives normal. It also keeps the two of us on the same page, which means as much as I despise Charlie, we don't fight about him. Also, Gabbie's approach is every closeted man's dream. It's an open marriage where we each can (supposedly) have our own boyfriend, yet we retain social acceptability, all without affecting the kids. The problem is, it's all lies - a huge stinking pile of manure.

As good as some of the short-term benefits might be, continuing to tell lies for the indefinite future is not an acceptable solution for me. Lies are what got us into this mess. It's only by putting an end to the them that we'll have any chance to find true happiness.

Speaking of finding happiness, I've had a few hang-ups when it comes to dating men and I've been trying to work through them. My biggest problem has been figuring out how to date with integrity yet stay within the boundaries of the 1950s whitewash Gabbie wants the world to see. My gut says the two are incompatible.

For nearly a year I've been wrestling with this question and only now have I realized how simple the answer is: stop the lies! If Charlie is such a great catch and our marriage is over then Gabbie has no legitimate reason to continue to hide him.

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that exposing their relationship is essential. It will prove to the kids, and to anyone else who cares, that our marriage is permanently broken. Further, by acknowledging that we are broken, we will both be free to establish genuine and independent lives.

Just thinking about ending this charade makes me feel so much more optimistic about dating.

I have allowed Gabbie to make poor decision after poor decision. I've had enough. Tomorrow I will be giving her the chance to decide when, where and how she'll come clean. If she wants to drag her feet, which is what I expect, then I will have to tell the kids myself. I don't want to make that sound like an ultimatum but, well, it is.

I don't want to start a fight nor do I want to hurt or embarrass her. She can tell the kids they've only been dating for a week, I really don't care. But I am putting an end to the fantasy of our bond. I have found living this way for the past year to be much worse than simply hiding in the closet.

Keeping up appearances is absolutely no way to live happily ever after.

Temptation

2011-12-14T17:52:00.000-08:00

I hadn't plan to write this post. On the whole I think issues related to the marriages of bisexual men are much more interesting than my spectacularly pathetic dating life. But because I have a reputation for being negative about my future I thought I'd better post something positive before my usual cynicism returns.

Last Thursday I added a face picture to an otherwise empty profile on Grindr. The response I've received since then has given me a much needed boost.

In my typical over-thinking way (I'll take too much thought over too little any day), I have logged the number of hours that I've spent on Grindr and how many different guys have initiated chats with me in that time.

In the face picture I chose I'm expressionless. It's intended to give me a baseline indication of how attractive other men think I am. In roughly 26 hours of idle Grindr time, I was messaged by 7 different guys. I have no idea if that is good, bad or average for a 45 year old, but, hell, it's way better than zero, and that is good enough for me.

A few days ago I changed the picture (but kept the empty profile) to a face and torso shot. I'm wearing sunglasses so the picture mostly emphasizes my body. In 23 hours of idle Grindr time thus far, I have been messaged by 17 different guys.

If I compare the response rate for each photo I can safely conclude that if I put a bag over my face and show just my body, I'm 2.5-3x as likely to be approached compared to having only a face picture. Do I care that a body shot makes me much more popular? NO. At this point, I'm just glad that anyone finds me attractivel.

Having never interacted on Grindr before, I didn't know what to expect. I had (and have) no intention of hooking-up with anyone so I honestly expected to be immediately blocked as soon as I said as much. And that did happen, once. Rather shockingly everyone else has at least been polite and a number of guys have been chatty. Only one guy of the 24 total said he's more interested in finding a relationship than a hook-up, but hey, it's Grindr.

In addition to receiving a number of unsolicited compliments, my ego was further buoyed by the fact that 70% of the guys who messaged me were younger. This is a case of the tail wagging the dog, to some extent, because roughly 70% of the guys on Grindr are younger, BUT, I am not complaining. In fact (and maybe I'm delusional here) I think, if I had been willing to hook-up, I could have gotten naked with a (supposed) 18yo, a (hot) 24yo, a 27yo, a 31yo and a 32yo. Not that I'm keeping track, of course.

The most interesting conversation I had was with a married guy who looked to be very near my age. He had no picture in his profile but he sent me one. He was good looking and just my type. Best of all (at least to him) he was less than a mile away. He made it clear that he wanted to get down to business right away. Oh wow, was I tempted. But I didn't tell him so. Instead I politely said I couldn't meet. Then I asked if he lived in the area. No, he was passing through. He then told me the location of the three houses where he does live. All of them were in very expensive locations. I'm not sure why he told me that, probably because it's fun to brag, and yes he could totally be lying, but I don't think so. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I found myself thinking, "Goodlooking, my type, my age, AND a member of the 0.5%? Yes, I WILL be your fuck buddy."

I'm not sure if I'm glad to know that I can be tempted by sex and money, but apparently it's a fact.

On the other hand, I haven't been pouting about that missed opportunity so that says something. Still thinking about it makes me smile.

Anyway, as I said in my last post, all I've needed was SOME kind of validation that someone finds me attractive. Well that's happened and it's given me the confidence I needed. Now I know, in a worst case scenario, that no matter how many times I get ignored or rejected on a "real" dating site, I can always hop on Grindr. And once there for an hour or so, I can find a local guy who wants to make me his cheap whore. Thank God for Grindr.

Dating, Masculinity and Pigs with Tattoos

2011-12-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

I began "dating" again seven weeks ago. Here's an update:

After taking a break from on-line dating, I decided to give it another try. I'm skeptical about its effectiveness (if it works so well, why are the same hot guys still looking month after month and year after year?), so my plan has been to spend no more than 60 days on any one site. The idea is to jump around and always be new somewhere.

I decided to start with Compatible Partners, E-Harmony's gay website. I chose them because about 18 months ago I answered their 12,000 matching questions (slight exaggeration) and posted an empty profile. The matches they sent at the time looked promising. My experience this time has been entirely different. Whereas Compatible Partners was relatively new and flush with customers a year and a half ago, now hardly anyone uses it.

Over the past seven weeks CP has sent me a total of 33 matches. That's nothing compared to the 1000+ local users who are on Match, Adam4Adam, Manhunt or OKCupid. At first I thought I wasn't getting many matches because my criteria were too tight. Well, I have continuously broadened them and I'm still not getting many matches. I'm at the point where I can't be any more open than I already am. All I'm getting are occasional "flex matches" for any guy, 18-100, who can fog a mirror.

The volume of matches wouldn't be a problem if just a few of them were promising. Well, they've been horrible. I mean really horrible. I seriously wonder if some of them are homeless. They look like they might be.

It took me about two weeks to figure out that Compatible Partners is a waste of time and money. Around that same time, a new guy showed up on Match who really caught my interest. Honestly, it was the first time I had ever read a profile and felt like the guy was talking about ME. I was pretty excited about him. Even better was the fact that he lived and worked in a rural area about 45 minutes outside of the City - no homo competition. And best of all, at least in terms of securing a first date, he was slightly older than me (everyone wants to date someone younger than they are) and he was pretty plain looking. Not unattractive, just average.

Because he was new on Match, I knew he was going to get some hits the first week. So I waited two weeks. Then, after debating whether I should commit to Match for 6 months or go for a one week trial, I took the trial. I loaded my pictures, completed a short profile and sent the guy a short, friendly email. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. The fucker ignored me.

Apparently I'm not even worth a polite rejection from a plain, bald, older "nice guy" who lives in Backwater, USA? Damn that hurts. Of all the outcomes I anticipated, that was not one of them.

After that disappointment, I scraped what was left of my ego from the floor and winked at (how gay, I know) two other guys. Ignored x 2. You might think I was trying to lure some Taylor Lautner lookalikes into my bed, but trust me, that was not the case. I don't bother reaching. In fact, I'm now so insecure about my desirability that I'd much prefer to be the better looking guy.

My Match profile was never marked as "new" so that sucked but in the week that it was up I got four winks and two emails. The best of the lot (and I'm not talking about looks, I'm talking about the overall quality of the match) was a 52yo who lived an hour away. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and I thought about responding positively to his wink, but I didn't. I just wasn't that attracted to him and he lived too far away. Instead I replied to him, and the five others who contacted me, and said that I was pulling my profile because I wasn't ready to date.

Off the 'net Chet has been trying to help me. He really wanted me to meet this fitness coach, a friend-of-a-friend, who "might" be bi. The guy is 47 and has a girlfriend but he's "curious about exploring" with men for the first time. "Plus he's a super nice guy!" I told Chet that I wasn't up for being someone's training wheels, no matter how hot he might be.

Chet also told me about a suburban dad he had met at an LGBT business mixer a few months back. He's divorced, nice looking, two teenage girls, lives less than two miles from me. I assume the guy has a boyfriend, fuck buddy or whatever, but I thought he would be someone good to meet. Who knows who he might know? So I sent him an email, with two pictures, and I told him the basics of my situation. I also told him that I was looking to network for gay friends. Guess what happened with him? The fucker ignored me.

Is anyone else detecting a pattern here?

A good friend has advised me not take my serial rejections personally. He says he gets ignored all the time (yet, let me tell you, he is getting SOME!!!) and that on-line dating is a numbers game. Instead of focusing on one or two guys, he says I need to hit on 10-15 guys a week and not care whether I hear back from any of them. I think his advice is sound, and I might eventually be able to do that, but right now, I can't risk mass rejection. I need to gain some confidence first.

If I count the month or so I tried to date in the Spring and add that to my current seven week total, I've been "dating" for 11 weeks and in all that time I've been on ONE date, nine months ago. And that wasn't even a real date. He was a teacher and all we talked about was education reform and how much he hates Michelle Rhee (former DC School Superintendent). Seriously, it was like I was at a school conference for one of my kids. It was about as undatelike as anything I could have imagined.

A few weeks ago, on this blog, I posted a picture of myself wearing a pair of mid-thigh swim trunks. I asked for your opinions about how they looked because my 17yo called them "kind of gay." Not one person who commented agreed with what my kid said. Somewhat reassured, I used that same picture on CP and Match. It was also one of the two pictures I sent the divorced guy with kids. Given that I've been 100% ignored, I'm wondering if using that picture was a mistake. I think my kid was right, the trunks are gay.

The importance of appearing as masculine as possible in every profile picture never really occurred to me. But now that I am paying attention, I've realized how essential it is.

I will be moving to a new dating site soon, but because the first week that you're "new" on any site is crucial, I'm going to wait until January to do so. In the meantime, I've been thinking about fooling around with Grindr. I'm absolutely, positively not looking for hook-ups so choosing Grindr might seem pointless, but I'm thinking of using it to experiment with marketing myself. Mostly I'd like to know, based solely on different pictures, what kind of men I attract. If any.

It's true that blaming my poor results on one picture could be a case of wishful thinking, and maybe using different pictures would be no better than putting different tattoos on a pig's bicep (he's still a pig) but, at this point, I'd prefer to be delusional and positive than realistic and negative.

On that happy note, wish me luck. I need it.

The Divided Bisexual Man

2011-11-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

"Men are for sex and women are for love."

You don't usually wake up one morning and have an epiphany that love and sex work best when split by gender. Instead it's an evolutionary process. That process can vary from man to man, but it often follows a common path:

1. An otherwise hetero guy, who may already be married, realizes that he has a sexual attraction to men.

2. The man tries to squash, deny, hide, run away from, and generally do whatever he can to make those evil man-sex thoughts go away. If the man is not already married, he often gets married, with the honest hope that marriage will banish his man-sex fantasies.

3. Depending on other aspects of life, thoughts about sex with men may wax and wane, but they do not go away. Years spent fighting the thoughts makes many men frustrated, anxious and unhappy. Ultimately, most give in to temptation. They might begin by chatting about sex with other men on-line. Then they might arrange a date to receive a blow job - which they will flake out on, at least once. Eventually they keep a date and have their first experience. From there, the exact progression differs but the result is the same: within months, years or decades, they become eager to hook-up with other men.

4. After the first few hook-ups there's a serious questioning stage. Am I straight? Am I bi? Am I gay? There are no statistics but my guess is that the proportion of married men who fool around with other men and then eventually come out as gay is relatively low, maybe 20%? I say this based on personal experience and because very few married guys on hook-up sites label themselves as gay. Most men seem to conclude this stage by accepting themselves as bisexual.

In my last post, I said that bisexual men can be divided into two groups. One group I called "Casanovas" because of their natural and effortless ability to make a woman feel wanted. Upon further reflection, I've decided that "Casanova" is a bad descriptor. It evokes the image of a skilled lady's man, someone with magical eyes and a seductive touch. In truth there's nothing especially romantic or alluring about bisexual men in the first group. They're completely average. They're only noteworthy because they have an unrestrained enthusiasm to 'get it on' with their wives, whereas bisexual men in the second group tend to need a kick-start when it comes to initiating marital sex.

"Unrestrained enthusiasm" and "tending to need a kick-start" are subjective ways of segregating the two types of married bisexual men. A better, more objective way to make the distinction is based how frequently they have sex with their wives. Men in the first group tend to have regular and frequent sex, while men in the second group tend to have sex on a hit-or-miss basis.

What's interesting is that most "Get it On" bisexuals can't relate to the whole "men are for sex and women are for love" thing. To them it seems like an unnecessary distinction. For one thing, women are just as sex-worthy as men, if not more so. And falling in love with a man? There's two schools of thought about that. Either it's completely off the man's radar - as in, that possibility has never once crossed his mind, or, he feels that love has nothing to do with gender. Love is love, man or woman.

Whichever way they feel about love, there is no vague middle ground, and that's what's distinctive about "Get it On" bisexual men - they aren't conflicted. Love and sex are simple; there's no need to make any rules.

"Kick-start" bisexuals are different. They don't have it so easy. Their relatively low level of sexual attraction to their wives compared to their increasing attraction to men causes a lot of internal conflict, frustration and anxiety. As internal pressures mount, they compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings. Over time, as compartmentalization takes hold, they morph from being a relatively happy, whole and complete man to a secretive, stressed and divided man. A man who becomes a two-sided coin: a devoted straight family man on one side and a horny, cum-loving, cock-sucking slut on the other.

"Men are for sex and women are for love" is compartmentalization. Compartmentalization masks conflict: the conflict between the man he used to be, and still is, mostly, and the man he has become. Bringing the two sides of himself together feels like an impossible task, and as such, the struggle between the two sides never ends. That makes for a life that can be lived, but not for a life that can be loved.

In the story that prompted this post, a bisexual man told his wife that he had no romantic interest in men. To prove that to her, he suggested inviting a man into their bed. She laughed at that idea. Undeterred, he offered another suggestion, that she accompany him to a gay bar. He was determined to prove his "men are for sex, not for love" point. Well, the gay bar turned out to be a disaster for him. Watching his eyes at the gay bar was all the proof his wife needed to become convinced that he would eventually fall in love with a man.

Just like the wives of divided bisexual married men everywhere, the woman in the story already knew there were big problems in her marriage. And lacking a clear reason for the problems, she blamed herself. Then her husband outed himself as bisexual. That opened her eyes. Not to the fact that he was a lying, cheating scum bag, but to the fact that there wasn't something inherently wrong or undesirable about her. Watching her husband ogle men at the gay bar was the final straw. In all their years together he had never once looked at her with the same depth of desire. She realized then what he did not - that he is a conflicted man who had built a wall between the two sides of himself. She also realized he would never find lasting happiness until that wall was torn down and he was no longer a divided man.

Encapsulated in this couple's story there are three monumentally important lessons for married and divided bisexual men everywhere:

First - Any conflicted man who thinks that he has successfully hidden his woes from his wife is mistaken. No, she doesn't know that you're bi and that you hook up with men, but she does know that there's something fundamentally wrong with your marriage. That fundamental problem is not your cheating. Rather, it's the reason that you cheat: you are a divided man. You cannot be happy with one person and that means you can never be happy with her. Deep down, she knows this.

Second - Because wives of conflicted men know on a deep and unspoken level that they are not enough to make their husband happy, they blame themselves. As they witness their husband's gradual withdrawal from them they become increasingly depressed, self-loathing and unmotivated. It deeply hurts them to feel so unwanted. Different wives respond differently to that hurt. Some withdraw. Some turn their attention to the children. Some take comfort in overeating or other bad habits. Others get bitchy and critical. Whatever the behavior, the cause is the same - they know they are not enough - and it hurts.

Third - Compartmentalization, having your cake and eating it too, and/or making the best of a compromised life are all ways to cope with being a conflicted man, but none of them will ever make you genuinely happy. In truth, they merely camouflage the landmines that lurk below the surface. Yes, a man can carefully and persistently dodge one mine after another, but time is not on his side. Major blow-ups are inevitable. Porn on computers, secret email accounts uncovered, phone calls and text messages at odd hours, unnecessary errands, an HIV positive diagnosis - these are but a few of the multitude of ways for the truth to be discovered. Any man who genuinely believes he can be a perfect liar for the rest of his life is only fooling himself. To err is human. Divided bisexual men are all too human.

What's the solution?

Overwhelmingly, conflicted bisexual men feel that because they married with good intentions and their attraction to men surfaced later in life they are destined to live as divided, marginally satisfied men. Coming out as bisexual (or worse, gay) does not solve the problem and cutting men out completely just isn't realistic. "Keep on keeping on" - that's the best they can do.

Well, maybe. For some, a lukewarm life of compromise might be the best answer. But far too many divided men are stuck in the narrow confines of their own thoughts. In a soon-to-come post I will offer some new perspectives that may help some men regain their dignity - and perhaps find genuine happiness again.

Open Marriage / MMF Threesome

2011-10-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

In a recent post I shared the story of a man who was seeking his wife's permission to enjoy casual, recreational sex with other men. He wanted an open marriage - the dream situation for just about every married bisexual man.

To allay his wife's fears about where an open marriage might lead, the man explained to his wife that his interest in men was purely physical. He said that he had no interest in pursuing a relationship with a man, and, to prove that his intentions were honorable, he suggested that the couple invite another man into their bed as the guest star. That way the wife could see first-hand what he meant.

The wife laughed at that idea.

Undeterred, the man was able to convince his wife to accompany him to a gay bar. That way she could see for herself that his interest in men was purely physical.

The couple did go to a gay bar together but the man failed to prove his point. Instead of agreeing to an open marriage, his wife decided to end it. Having an open marriage, to her, was "classic man wants his cake and eat it, too."

More importantly, she decided that his attraction to men was a very real threat to their future together. She said, "One day he WILL meet someone that he will be attracted to and will want to be with. So, after more years of being faithful to this man, he will leave me anyway. That is what will happen."

As a man who is attracted to other men, I completely understand the husband's point of view. I also know, based on the experiences of other men, that being open to other sexual relationships has the potential to strengthen a marriage; increased honesty and reduced sexual frustration usually make for a closer marital bond. As such, when conducted safely and respectfully, an open marriage can be a win-win situation for both partners.

Although I am familiar with open marriages from the man's point of view, I know little from a willing woman's perspective. The story I quoted was therefore a fascinating read. Yes, she seemed skeptical about the idea, but not so skeptical that she immediately rejected it. Further, her willingness to go to a gay bar with her husband is evidence that she tried to be open-minded. Not many wives would have agreed to go.

I posted the story because I wondered if readers (married men especially) would see the wife's reaction as valid or ridiculous. I particularly wanted readers to focus on the question of emotion. Because of the visit to the gay bar, the wife is now convinced that her husband WILL leave her for a man. Yet the husband says he's not interested in men that way. Who is right?

Consider each spouse's point of view:

The Bisexual Husband

I believe that bisexual married men can divided into two groups. The first group is composed of men who instinctively and naturally know how to make a woman feel desired. It's an effortless endeavor for them, like walking across a room; they're natural-born Casanovas. The men in the second group don't have it so easy. They have to concentrate in order to stay focused when they're with a woman.

What do I mean by 'focused?' It's a vague thing, not easily put into words. I'll use an analogy instead: it's like sex with a condom and sex without one. When you're fucking without a condom you're definitely not thinking about what a condom feels like. When you are fucking with a condom on, you're enjoying the sex, but you never really forget that your dick is covered with latex. It's distracting. It's a very thin barrier that keeps you from truly connecting with your partner. Bisexual men in the second group, in essence, are wearing a mental condom that subtly distracts them when they're having straight sex. It slows them down, both during the act itself and in wanting to have sex at all.

From a performance perspective, during sex, there's not much difference between men in the two groups. Getting hard, staying hard, and having an orgasm are usually not issues, barring any physical problems. What is different, very different, is how frequently the men in the two groups have straight sex. Because men in the second group have to make an effort to stay focused, straight sex requires some work. It's as if, instead of walking across a room, they have to progressively jump across, with both feet tied together. Having to expend the effort means they initiate sex less often, which means the couple has sex less often.

The man from the story belongs in the second group. The reason I know this is because his wife reports that they haven't been intimate "in forever." She also says she has repeatedly tried to entice him by going to bed naked and by wearing very sexy lingerie. The natural-born Casanovas don't need that much prompting. If a woman signals that she wants sex, they don't hesitate to jump right on.

Because the man hasn't been responding to his naked wife you might wonder if he is gay. He insists that he is not, for several reasons. First, his attraction to men is purely physical. Second, his taste in men is very specific; he only likes straight men. Third, he has no interest in kissing a man, much less falling in love with one. Fourth, he feels just the opposite about women as he does men - he likes to kiss women; he has only loved women in the past and he can only imagine being in love with women in the future. For him "men are for sex and women are for love." By most definitions, he is bisexual.

The Straight Wife

I have spent the last year absorbing the thoughts, opinions, emotions and experiences of straight wives who are married to gay or bisexual men. In the course of internalizing this information I have learned that straight wives care about many things, including fidelity, lying, diseases, financial security, love and public embarrassment. But what matters most, to the most women, is that they feel genuinely desired. Over and over different women have told me that "love is not enough" or "I don't want to be married to a roommate" or "I already have enough friends, I want a lover."

The need for women to feel genuinely desired is far more powerful than many men realize. For many women it is the basis of their feminine identity and their sense of self-worth. When a woman does not feel genuinely desired she feels like a failure as a woman. It's a knife that cuts her to the core, equivalent to a grown man being calling "a sissy" by his father; the hurt is deep and primal.

The woman in the story feels just as most other straight wives do. She wants to be wanted.

The Couple as Archetypes

An archetype, in this case, is "a universally understood symbol upon which others are patterned."

In my opinion, the bisexual man and his straight wife are typical of many other couples in the same situation. While the man is not typical of all bisexual men, I believe he represents a large subset of them. The wife is extremely typical of the vast majority of straight wives; she wants to preserve her marriage, provided that her needs as a woman can be met.

If you can believe that this couple is an archetype, then understanding them is a window into the dynamics of many marriages between bisexual men and their straight wives. Understanding this couple can explain why some straight wives are happy to stay with a bisexual man - even to the point of opening up their marriage - while others give up on their marriage, even when their husband promises to be faithful.

When a bisexual man asks his straight wife to open their marriage, the logical assumption is that it's her decision as to whether his request is granted. That assumption is true; lots of women will not accept a marriage with anything less than absolute monogamy. However, I have learned that a surprising number of straight wives are willing to consider the open marriage option, provided that it 'works' for them.

What makes a marriage 'work', regardless of whether it is open or closed, is if the husband makes the wife feel sexually alive. If he does not, then the marriage gradually dies.

This means that, most of the time, the bisexual man, and not his wife, is primarily responsible for the level of sexual in his marriage.

Desire

The man in the story vehemently insists that his interest in men is strictly sexual. He cannot imagine falling in love with a man; he does not WANT to fall in love with one. He's asked his wife to open the marriage by trying a MMF threesome, or by giving him permission to have recreational sex with men. To prove how harmless his interest in men is, the man convinced his wife to go with him to a gay bar. How did that go?

According to the wife, "[it was] one of the worst experiences of my life."

"[I] was looking across the bar and [saw] him looking at a man and flirting with him in a way that he has never looked at me. You know, the flirtatous eyes kind of look. I felt like I couldnt breathe...after all I have been to him, and giving him the very best of me all those years, I have never seen him look at me that way."

You might think she's misreading her husband's interest, or that she's paranoid, or that she's seeking to sabotage the open marriage option.

Any of those things could be true, however if they are, then the cost of being wrong is catastrophic for her. She WANTS her marriage to work. But she doesn't believe it can:

"It hurts my heart so much that most days I cannot breathe...Can he be my best friend and make me laugh till the cows come home? Yup. Can we cook together and drink wine and have a great time together and complete each others sentences? Yup. Is this enough for me for the rest of my life? Nope."

Clearly she loves him. Clearly she wishes their marriage could work. And yet she's convinced that it will ultimately fail. She's so convinced that failure is imminent that she's stopped even trying to make it work. Instead, she's decided to turn her entire life upside down by seeking a divorce. Being best friends isn't enough for her. She, like most other women, needs to feel that she is desired.

Women are so NOT like men. For the most part, women have a much higher emotional intelligence than men. Their 'women's intuition' is an everyday manifestation of how tuned-in they are to the people around them. When a man doesn't genuinely desire them, they know it. In the case of the woman in the story, once she saw how her husband desired the man in the bar, she knew she had never once been wanted with the same intensity.

Months of explanations by the husband after the visit have failed to convince the wife that she was wrong about what she saw. She knows what she knows, she knows how she feels.

The lesson of this couple is desire rules all. The proof for that is the decision the woman made. She gave up her comfortable life and the man she loves only because she HOPES that one day she might find a man who makes her feel desired.

Conclusions

People are different, marriages are different. What happened with this couple wouldn't necessarily happen with similar couples. But the dynamic that played out here DOES play out with many other couples:

First you have a large group of bisexual men who are unquestionably attracted to women, but 'making love' to their wife requires some effort.

Second you have virtually all straight wives who WANT to preserve their marriages, and are willing to make big compromises to do so, BUT ONLY IF their womanly self-image and feminine identity are regularly cherished by a husband who genuinely desires them.

A man can do or say anything he likes to prove his masculinity. He can aggressively make love to his wife as proof that he desires her. But most wives cannot be fooled. Desire is raw and animalistic. Desire means having a satisfying sex life - that means 'good sex' on a frequent basis. Once a month is not frequent.

The bottom line is that a large group of married bisexual men have an impossible road to travel. They are who they are, and they are authentic, but they don't have the essential and sincere ability to make a woman feel WANTED, yet being wanted is what their wife needs most.

In the story, the man's weakness became obvious when the couple visited a gay bar together. Most couples don't go to gay bars together so most wives can't compare the desire they feel to the desire they witness. But you can be certain that the marriages of some bisexual men inevitably crash when their wife has a similar "Aha!" moment; that moment where she realizes her man can never satisfy her.

In my next post I plan to write more about marriages between bisexual men and straight women. I'd like to particularly focus on why some are very strong and others are very weak, even when both spouses agree they love each other. I also hope to address the wife's conviction that her husband is destined to fall in love with a man, which is something he promises will never happen.

Your thoughts?

Let the dating begin

2011-10-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

In my last post I said I would attempt to untangle the complex mix of desire, emotion and sexual orientation as it pertains to married bisexual men and their straight wives. Well, the untangling has turned out to be a lot more time-consuming than I expected. That post is still under construction.

In the meantime, here are some updates on my (oh so) exciting life:

Chet
Chet is my new homo friend. (That would be friend, not "friend.") I like Chet. Among other things, he has a lot of interesting stories to tell. AND he takes me places - gay places. Last weekend he took me to Badlands in San Francisco. He describes the 'Badlands Scene' as being mostly 30s, with some younger and older guys. He likes the place because it's Asian friendly. He's Korean.

I was a little leery of it because I've heard of it referred to as "Sadlands" - not exactly a sexy nickname. Whatever its reputation, I kind of liked the place. What I appreciated was that it wasn't jammed so tightly you couldn't breathe, that the music was recognizable, that the dance floor was big and full but not ridiculously crowded, and that you could actually (sort of) have an intelligible conversation over the music. But more than anything else I liked the diversity of ages. Yes, guys in their 30s did dominate, but there were guys from 21 - 60+ there too. This meant that I didn't feel out of place. Of course I liked it.

Chet and I had fun dancing, drinking a little, and guy watching. No one talked to us and we didn't talk to anyone, which was fine by me. I'm happy to be an observer right now. We've already got plans to go out the next two weekends. We won't be doing anything crazy. I'm enjoying getting my feet wet for now.

Charlie
Charlie is my former wife's (that's what I've decided to call her for now; I can't think of a better term) non-sexual boyfriend. I've probably mentioned that I hate his guts a few dozen times here. I continue to hate him, although fortunately, I seldom have to see him. Charlie has thrown a temporary wrench into my plan to get him deported. He's starting a new construction job next week and both Gabbie I assumed that he'd buy a cheap work truck so that he could actually show up for work every day. Instead (get this) the idiot gave up his apartment with the HOPE that he can live IN the house being renovated. Who knows if the owner will let him - Charlie sure doesn't. So, it's anyone's guess as to what he's going to do.

I really don't care if he sleeps under the freeway or not, I'm just seriously bummed that he has no plans to get a vehicle anytime soon. Now I have think of another way to get him arrested...

My Bossy Mother-in-Law
My widowed mother-in-law has been my "other" wife ever since my father-in-law died 13 years ago. She knows the best solution to every problem Gabbie, the kids or I might ever have. Even imaginary ones!

She has a lot of good qualities (I mean that sincerely), including an endless willingness to offer unsolicited help. What irks me is that her "help" is often nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to control our lives. Her intentions are good but her controlling nature is really hard to take, especially over the long haul.

I'm not exactly sure when it happened but sometime within the past four or five years, my mother-in-law started souring on me. She knows I'm gay, or she should at least since Gabbie told her years ago, but I don't think that's her problem with me. I think it's because I stopped doing exactly what she wanted. I could detail that whole history, but it's not important to this story. What is important is that, as Gabbie has made it clear to her mother that we are no longer a couple, her mother has gotten more and more critical of me. I think she blames Gabbie's wayward ways on me, among other things. Whatever. In recent months dear M-I-L has taken to frequently bitching about me to Gabbie and complaining about me to the kids. Sometimes what she says really irritates me, but mostly it's noise. Well. Two weeks ago the whole family was out together with M-I-L and M-I-L made a pointed comment about me in front of us all. It wasn't anything particularly nasty, it was just unnecessary, somewhat rude, and definitely snotty. She must have hit a very raw nerve with me because, in an instant, I went from content and relaxed to furious beyond control. I got right in her face and told her I was sick of her behavior. I don't get pissed very often but when I do, I go full throttle.

The short summary is that I'm the bad guy. And it's true, I did overreact. I wish I had kept my cool. But it's also true that she's a controlling pain-in-the-ass and I shouldn't be expected to bow to her every command in my own house.

Anyway, what's done is done and I will never be forgiven, nor do I want to be. Our relationship will never recover. It saddens me to see our 24 year relationship crash and burn but the truth is, it just wasn't working for me. I was willing to compromise a lot of the time but she never would.

Our rift is certain to have consequences in the long-term and because of that I regret that the whole episode happened, but it is what it is.

Home Life
I've continued to steadily work on my transition from 'doormat' to 'homo with a social life.' It's going well. Step one was to accept that my 25 year relationship with my former wife has permanently changed. Step two was to stop wearing my wedding band. I have recently completed steps three and four: I now sleep in my own bedroom, and, I just acquired my first cell phone in about 15 years.

I was a little surprised that the kids basically shrugged when I moved into my new room. The boys still haven't said anything about it. My daughter, who is twelve, repeatedly grilled me about it for two days. The funny thing was, she seemed almost cheery about it. She even cleaned the room and set-up my bed for me, all on her own initiative. Now she's taken to advising me about different things I should do, "in case you and mom get divorced." I've taken the kids' reactions as positives, although I'd feel better if the boys actually reacted one way or another.

I haven't really needed a cell phone all these years and I've enjoyed being a "principled" cynic as I've watched the world's cellphone/texting/smartphone addiction accelerate with ever greater fervor. But now I've relented for two reasons. First, I was told I had to have one in order to date. And second, now I can be out late and be reachable if one of the kids accidentally burns the house down. I've had quite a few people in the past comment on how "liberating" it must be to NOT be tied to a cellphone. What's funny is that I actually feel very liberated now that I have one - only because it (theoretically) will give me access to a much more active social life.

For now at least, I can report that my relationship with Gabbie is transitioning well. She seems willing to give me more independence, both from her and the kids, and (so far) she doesn't seem worried about how my new social life might affect her. Part of the reason for that could be that she is distracted. Her job is a daily nightmare and pretty much all she thinks about is how to survive the next fifteen minutes.

Dating
If all the parts of my plan had worked perfectly, Charlie would be in jail and Gabbie would have a new job by now. The idea was that if I could get those two huge sources of stress out of her life, then I could hand her back some of the significant responsibilities I've had as Mr. Mom. That would give me more latitude to actually date.

It remains to be seen whether Gabbie will ever opt to stay home with the kids so that I can go out, or whether she'll take them on their errands, or whether she'll feed them dinner more than once a week. I just hope that if she's more relaxed she'll be willing to take on more responsibility.

Anyway, now that all of my ducks are (sort of) in a neat little row, the time has come. Today, tomorrow, this weekend...sometime very soon I will be posting a serious on-line profile on a serious on-line dating site.

Right now I am so NOT into gay hook-up culture that I think it would be fair to label me as a prude. Because of that I think I need to focus on other long-term oriented guys. My logic is that this will be a win-win for me. Either I'll meet someone and our values and priorities will be similar, or, I'll get so sick of pain-in-the-ass picky-types that I'll realize it's better to expect less and be more relaxed. I'm too high strung right now to use a site like Adam4Adam. Perhaps I'll get to that later, when I'm in the appropriate state of mind.

My approach to 'serious' dating, I hope, is a healthy one. I'm disclosing all my baggage upfront and I'm going to try to not take any of the resulting rejection personally. I've also resolved not to be a passive wallflower; I won't be posting a profile and simply hoping for the best. Instead I'll make an effort to be confident, engaging and proactive. I still have all my insecurities - about my living situation, especially - but I feel like I've made the right choice by agreeing to co-parent in the same household. The flip side of that decision is that I will have to accept any negative consequences that come my way, even if I don't think I deserve them.

Being Too Gay
Give me too much to drink and make me feel very relaxed about my gay identity and, well, I won't act like the most macho of men. That said, the last time I remember someone calling me a faggot to my face was a girl in 7th grade. Maybe I'm deceiving myself but I think I'm pretty forgettable on the masculine-feminine scale. "Cameron who?"

This is relevant because now that I've put all my life's frustrations into improving my body, I have become noticeably more vain. Shopping for clothes was never my thing but I'm much more interested now. And when I shop, I'm much more focused on how I look rather then whether I actually like what I'm wearing.

Case in point: the swim trunks in this picture. My oldest kid, Mr. Gay Rights himself, said to me the first time he saw me wearing these, "Um, dad. Don't you think those are kind of gay?"

Well, probably they are. But you know what? You can't find traditional men's swimsuits that don't hang below your knees, especially if you're vertically impaired. I wanted something mid-thigh and this was pretty much the only thing I could find. Compared to a lot of the skimpy on-line choices I had, I thought these were relatively tasteful. So now I'm looking for some honest opinions: are these swim trunks too gay?

As always, thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.

Men are for sex, women are for love

2011-10-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've had more than one person tell me that I sabotaged my marriage when I came out to my wife as gay.

"How was she supposed to react to that?" they've asked. "You basically said you have no sexual interest in her. Why would she want to stay married to you?"

Those are good questions. When phrased in that manner, I can understand how some might see 'coming out' as sabotage.

In my particular case, it wasn't. Within weeks of meeting Charlie, and experiencing a never-before-felt sexual charge whenever she was near him, my wife realized that our connection was fundamentally different. I could call myself anything I wanted, but she knew that there was no sexual heat between us. There never really was, and there never would be, regardless of how much we might love one another.

My wife's attitude is hardly a surprise, is it? Women want love and desire to be linked. Men are different. We're ok with, and often prefer, keeping the two separate. Just think about how common it is for a man to enjoy sex with other men, yet have no romantic interest in them. These same men feel very differently about women. It's as if their personal mantra is "men are for sex, but women are for love."

I wonder: how do these guys label themselves? As straight?

Some must. The thing is, it's hard to make a convincing argument that you're straight when you're regularly having sex with men.

On the other hand, they're clearly not gay, right? You can't be gay and NOT have an emotional attraction to men.

So the answer must be that these men label themselves as bisexual. It's the only answer that makes sense.

Here's the weird thing. The labels "straight", "bi" and "gay" are supposed to define sexual orientation. But these men who desire 'just sex' with men, they're not gay because they apply an emotional criteria to define their orientation.

Consider the sex vs. emotion question as you read this story from a straight wife:

My husband has told me that although he thinks that I am beautiful, he is not attracted to me sexually. He wants to have sex with a man. But he wants to keep our life intact, and stay in this relationship. He says that he doesnt want to have a relationship with a man, just sex, and he loves me. The ball is in my court according to him. He has even suggested the idea of a threesome, so that I can feel better about things if I am there. LOL.

Well, this is what I have come up with after much thought, prayer, and reading...........this is classic man wants his cake and eat it, too. He would like to satisfy his desires and keep his life with me and the kids. Thus not having to feel guilty about anything because I would know about it, and not have to experience any accountability.

The big problem with this to me is that one day he WILL meet someone that he will be attracted to and will want to be with. So, after more years of myself being faithful to this man, going through the insecurity and loss of any self esteem, and being robbed of being with a man who desires me sexually, he will leave me anyway. That is what will happen.

Let me share something else.........I agreed to go to a gay bar with him to help him explore this and see how I would feel about it.........one of the single worst moments of my life was looking across the bar and seeing him looking at a man and flirting with him in a way that he has never looked at me. You know, the flirtatous eyes kind of look. I felt like I couldnt breathe and I was consumed with both jealousy and anger that after all I have been to him and giving him the very best of me all these years, that I have never seen him look at me that way.

Sorry to say, but that is my sad reality. It hurts my heart so much that most days I cannot breathe. We straight wives love men deeply; we are in love with men deeply that cannot love us back sexually the way that we as women need to be loved. They will never smell our hair and skin and get dizzy off the scent of us, or be so desperate to make love to us that they cant see straight. Can he be my best friend and make me laugh till the cows come home? Yup. Can we cook together and drink wine and have a great time together and complete each others sentences? Yup. Is this enough for me for the rest of my life? Nope.

I want it to be enough. I really do. But I know in my heart that its not. I know this man loves me as much as he can love a woman. But at the end of the day, its just not enough. I want more.

Notice that the husband's sexuality is not labeled. Given what he wants - to have an open straight marriage - how do you think he labels himself?

I think it's pretty clear that he believes he is bisexual. He might even think he's straight. The reason I say this is because the reason he brought his wife to the gay bar was to prove to her that his interest in men is purely sexual, not emotional. He can't be gay if he has no emotional interest in men.

The thing is, the visit to the gay bar went horribly wrong. She agreed to give him a chance to prove his loyalty, but he utterly failed in that attempt - at least so far as she is concerned. It ranked as one of the single worst moments of her life. So, based on what she said, I think she believes he's gay - emotional attraction or not.

Who's right?

The question of whether he is bisexual or gay is essential. It truly matters whether he's gay or not because this woman, like most others, does not want to be married to a gay man.

I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please weigh in on whether you think the wife is wrong - he's bi not gay - or whether the man is gay and in denial. And please cite the reasons for your opinion.

Using your comments, I will do a follow-up post that will attempt to untangle the complex mix of desire, emotion and sexual orientation.

One initial observation: isn't it interesting that both my wife and the quoted straight wife seem to agree that heated sexual desire is MORE important in a relationship than emotion, yet this man and I believe the opposite? Is this a common gender difference? If so, isn't it ironic that women ultimately care more about sex and men care more about emotion??

I look forward to your comments.

Going out

2011-09-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

A very brief recap: my wife and I separated in early January of this year. I waited a month to give myself time to adjust to our changed relationship, then I started "dating" men.

It turned out the dating was a joke. I met one guy and we didn't really connect.

As the days ticked by, I realized that I had a very bad attitude about dating which left me feeling completely unmotivated. If someone else wanted to do the work of hitting on me and piquing my interest, I was willing to show up and meet him. But that's as enthusiastic as I got.

It turned out that moving past a 24 year relationship was much more difficult than I expected.

Now things are different. I have successfully rearranged the deck chairs in my head and in my heart. I've reached the point where I am no longer holding on to my former wife or to our past. In that respect, I am motivated to date.

But, as I said at the time, I was afraid that I had another big issue holding me back. I was very worried that I didn't have the drive or fortitude to deal with the headaches of dating gay men.

I'm not certain yet, but I fear that I still have that problem.

My new friendship with Chet is going well. Somehow, miraculously, he's hit a sweet spot with me where he's gay and interesting and attentive, yet there's no sexual tension between us. It's still a new situation, but I'm very grateful to have a low-key, friendly, outgoing, established gay man who was the time and desire to show me the ropes.

Last Saturday we had planned to hang out for a few hours. I was on edge about even meeting because I was afraid to leave the kids home alone for too long or until too late. I told Chet I could meet up but I had to be home no later than 11:30. Always accommodating, he said, "No problem. We can just meet for a drink and talk." So we did.

After about an hour, we both were feeling bored. Not with each other, but with our surroundings. We live so close to San Francisco that there's never much going on nearby. Gay or straight, everyone knows the City is the place to go. So, on the spur of the moment, we decided to drive in to the Castro.

Because of my schedule, we had almost exactly two hours to spend, from 9pm - 11pm. Not exactly prime time on a Saturday night. Still, Chet was a trooper. He amazed me by instantly finding a prime parking spot on Castro Street, right in the center of the action.

First he took me to Cafe Flore, a coffee house and casual restaurant that's a popular pre-clubbing gathering spot. It was surprisingly quiet. Chet attributed that to the fact that the Folsom Street Fair was happening, thereby pulling people to the south of Market bars.

Next he took me to Qbar. He picked it because I told him that I was more attracted to twinks than any other 'type.' According to Chet, Qbar is the place to go if you're under 21 and you just happen to have an out-of-state paper ID with an older date of birth on it.

OMG, yes, the crowd was young. Not teens, thankfully, but predominately mid-20s. I'm really sensitive about my age as it is so standing around a bar with a bunch of kids made me feel extremely self-conscious.

As expected, no one talked to us, but we had fun talking about the bar and some of the guys in it. There were lots of girls there too. I haven't been in a gay bar in many years but I certainly don't remember seeing so many girls.

We each had a drink then we moved on to one of Chet's favorite "hang-outs", the Pilsner Inn. The Pilsner is a neighborhood bar that flies a rainbow flag outside. It's two blocks from the center of the Castro district, which is where Qbar is. Unlike Qbar, it is spacious, well-lit, and populated by men and women, not boys and girls. A number of Yelp write-ups compare it to Cheers. The bartenders and the regulars all know each other by name. And like Cheers, a tourist can stop by and, without much effort, find any number of friendly locals who are happy to chat.

We didn't have time for a drink at the Pilsner, and even if we did, I'm not sure whether we would have interacted with anyone. There was a group of slightly geekish 40-somethings there, and when I saw them, for the very first time that night, I didn't feel like a stranger in a strange land.

After the Pilsner, we walked back to the car, which was parked in the heart of the Castro. There were tons of men and boys around, including one beefy naked guy with a pierced foreskin attached to a chain. He was about 20 years past his prime, although still quite muscular. All I could think about was the pain of the piercing, so I could barely look at him. After I passed I silently prayed that hanging out on the street like that - older, naked, chained and impaled - would never seem like fun to me.

I'm not young. I've spent a lot of time in San Francisco. I've been to quite a few gay bars over the years. I have access to the Internet. "All that is gay" is not new to me.

But you know what? Walking around in the Castro and standing in the QBar made me really uncomfortable. Cafe Flore was a non-event, so that was fine, and I liked the Pilsner, but as I settled in to sleep that night, all I could think about was how THAT life is not for me.

For those of you have never been to the Castro, you might think it's an extreme place. While it's true that they don't let naked guys stand on the streets of Omaha, my perception is that the cutting-edge days of the Castro have long passed. It's not that the neighborhood feels old or tired, it's that the rest of the country has become more Castro-like. So, maybe I'm wrong, but it's my perception that if the Castro doesn't "feel like home" to me then there's no gay neighborhood in the world that would.

I'm trying to keep an open mind, and Chet is eager to push me ahead, but I am as concerned as ever that my lack of enthusiasm for mainstream gay means I'll have a very difficult time finding a gay guy who likes me for who I am - a traditional suburban dad who just happens to be gay.

Coming Out - Seeking Friends

2011-09-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

This past weekend my wife Gabbie went to a long-distance wedding with her bar friends. She was gone most of the weekend. I had a few things to do to keep me busy, like accompanying my daughter to a 5 year old's birthday party, but I also had a lot of spare time.

In the past when Gabbie hasn't been around and the kids have been into doing their own things, I've fantasized about driving into San Francisco and sitting in a "mixed" bar (Blackbird) or a mostly-gay cafe (Cafe Flore) for a few hours. I've never been to either but the descriptions on Yelp give me the feeling that both are places where a single guy could go to, maybe, strike up a conversation with a few 'normal' gays. If I ever was to go, I would go in the late afternoon to Cafe Flore and the early evening to Blackbird; off-peak times.

There are three reasons why I haven't gone. One is that I'm a big chicken. A bar? Alone? The second is that I represent stability for the kids. I'm very leery about being seen as similar to their mother. You know - the woman who goes stir crazy if she spends too much time at home. The third reason is related to the second reason. For many years I have successfully postponed being tied to a cell phone. (No, I don't have one.) This means that whenever my meddling mother-in-law calls to "check-in" and discovers that the kids are home alone (hello - they're 17, almost 14 and almost 12) she calls every police department and hospital within a 30 mile radius to see if I'm dead somewhere. Then, when I'm not dead, she calls Gabbie and bitches her out. What ultimately happens, if I'm out for two or three hours, is that I come home to face a 5 person firing squad - all wanting to know where I've been, what I've been doing and why I haven't called. You can see why I'd rather stay home and feel sorry for myself. It's the less painful option.

Yes, I need to give in and get a cell phone (so that I can be hunted down at any moment) and I will be doing that, soon. But for this past weekend I was in the "should I or shouldn't I?" debate about going out and the same three concerns hung over me. Then, pretty much out of nowhere, this stupid idea of posting for platonic gay friends on Craigslist popped into my head. Lame, I know.

As I was making fun of my own idea, I remembered that I made the same suggestion to a blogger friend on a number of occasions. He's another guy who will opt to slug around the house with the kids rather than go out alone. I realized that I couldn't mock the advice I had given him until I actually made the attempt myself. So I did.

The title for my ad was just as above: "Coming out - Seeking Friends" and it was posted in the strictly platonic m4m section. I included pictures, even a face picture (pretty brave of me, I'd say) and therefore expected replies - from freaks.

The first guy was a 20yo Hispanic. He seemed harmless enough...but 20? Um, no thanks. The second reply was a woman. She said, in effect, "My daughter and I support your decision. Anytime you'd like to drive 40 minutes north we can all hang out. We're very 420 friendly!" Now THAT'S the kind of reply I expected - proof that my idea was moronic.

The third reply was a 39yo Asian guy who lived a few miles away. He seemed potentially normal, so I replied. The fourth guy was a Vietnamese 40yo who lived in San Francisco. His reply was very Craigslist - short and generic. Generic Vietnamese in San Francisco? Way too cliche' for me. The fifth guy was also Asian. He was interesting, but no picture. I replied.

Well...long story short, I actually met the 39yo, Chet, and he was quite fascinating. Even better - he loves to talk. I'm happy to listen to other people's drama but when it comes to my own, I'd prefer to say as little as possible. My story needs a happy ending and until there is one, no one (except you suckers) wants to hear it.

Chet had a number of genuinely interesting stories to share. And for as much as he talked, I found him to be surprisingly grounded and modest. I was rather ambivalent about meeting him at first but now I'm glad I did. At a minimum I heard a few good stories.

After we met, we exchanged polite but genuine emails and we arranged to meet a second time for a hike. That was today. This time, I did a little more talking, but Chet still did more, and again, I found him and his stories to be very engaging.

Ya'll think you know where this going, don't you? Actually, there is no sexual tension. I genuinely like him and he seems to like me, but he has a boyfriend and as amazing as it seems, we're both happy to be just friends.

Of course it remains to be seen how a friendship with Chet will play out. His relationship with his boyfriend is, literally, life-and-death complicated but it's not an emotionally satisfying relationship for him. As near as I can tell, he has too much time on his hands and lacks the desire to ALWAYS have to drive an hour each way into San Francisco to see friends. For him I think I am a potential confidant and an activity buddy.

For me, Chet represents a completely non-threatening entry into the mind of the established gay world. Through his stories, experiences and friendships I get to see, first-hand, how the gay world works. This is something that I really want to understand. There are aspects of gay life that scare the piss out of me. Now I have a way to prepare myself for what might lie ahead.

The other thing is, Chet is sympathetic to my position. He understands that I have no local gay friends and that I'm at the point where I'd like to make more. We haven't talked about Internet dating yet but I'd be so happy if I could skip it and meet someone naturally. Knowing Chet is a way for me to do that - without having to hang out in a bar by myself.

Craigslist is full of flakes and Chet could turn out to be one. But for now he's someone I'm glad I've met and I look forward to getting to know better.

Next Steps

2011-09-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

If recent anonymous comments are any indication, a number of you don't believe that I'm transitioning to dating men. You think I'm dragging my feet.

Well, I'm not. My wife has made her feelings clear. I understand. There's no reason to hide from the inevitable. I get it.

What's slowing me down is that my wife is very unhappy right now. Bitterly unhappy. Yes, I'm one of her problems, but I'm pretty far down the list. Her job, Charlie, our living situation, her mother, the kids - each and every one of these things is "a disaster."

Yes, my wife can be dramatic. But this time I agree with her. She really could be laid off soon; Charlie really could kill her in a fit of jealous rage; the house really could be sold at auction within three weeks; her mother really is an erratic, smothering pain in the ass whose unsolicited "help" is a thinly veiled effort to control every waking moment of our lives; and the kids really are selfish, cruel and hyper-critical.

Is it wrong for me to show some consideration and wait for a few of these things to sort themselves out before I start dating men? I don't think so. I was gay on the day we met, I'll be gay next week and I'll still be gay when my wife's life is more normal. For now, the right thing to do is be supportive and patient.

The good news is that I expect the biggest issues to be resolved soon. We're in the final stages of high anxiety on several fronts. All that's left to do is to wait for them to play out.

Meanwhile, there are a few modest things I need to do to finish the current chapter of my life before I can begin another.

First on my list is to stop wearing my wedding ring.

Whether it should or not, the ring means a lot to me. And it's not just because it's my wedding band. It's because of what Gabbie had engraved inside before we married. Our initials are bound together by the words "until the end of time."

For the last 21 years, whenever I've touched the ring I've thought about those words. I didn't take them seriously enough when I took my vows but I have taken them quite seriously in recent years. Because of the way the words link us I've felt like wearing the ring keeps our commitment alive. It's not just a ring, it's a living embodiment of our relationship. For this reason (and whether I'd like to admit it or not) the ring has been my security blanket. Until the end of time. Just thinking about those words makes me pine for the 23 year old girl who desperately wanted to be married forever.

Oops. I'd better be careful. I don't want to sound like I'm dragging my feet.

Four days ago I took off the ring. As near as I can tell, no one has noticed. At least no one has said anything. The only weird thing was, just minutes after I took it off, my daughter held my hand and caressed it in a way she's never done before. My heart was pounding as I waited for her to say something. But she didn't. I'm not even sure if she noticed.

I can't deny that the absence of the ring wears on me. I feel it missing, always.

But the situation is what it is. I can't be delusional.

The kids have known for more than eight months that my wife and I are 'separated' and Gabbie has reminded them of that fact several times over the last few months, but I have done almost nothing to acknowledge our split. Because they already know, I wonder if removing the ring will be 'old' news to them? But I also wonder if my capitulation will suddenly make our separation feel real? I'm afraid of hurting them.

I don't really know what to expect but I do know that the ring had to come off - and it had to be done in a no-fuss, matter-of-fact way.

Once the kids notice the ring is gone, I'll wait a week or so before I proceed to the next necessary change, which is to move to my own bedroom.

While it's possible that not wearing the ring will be greeted with a collective shrug, I'd be very surprised if moving to my own bedroom gets the same reaction. I worry about hurting and disappointing the kids but what else can I do? My wife and I can't share the same bed forever.

Given my wife's precarious mental state, the last thing I need to do is add to the mountain of worries she already has. So it's a little ironic that making these changes, which are stressful for me, will be seen as big positives by her. She's been wanting us to be more independent for a while now.

My fingers are crossed in hopes that the kids will have adjusted to a "new normal" around the same time that Gabbie's dark clouds disburse. That will make for a relatively peaceful home life - creating the perfect opportunity for me to start thinking more about the next chapter of my life.

Oh - one other pre-dating thing I did was to get tested for HIV. Big surprise, I'm negative.

Who wants to be second choice?

2011-09-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

Recently a straight wife and I had an interesting conversation about something her gay husband confessed to her: "I love you as much as I can love a woman."

The couple has been married more than 30 years. Both spouses are in their early 60s. He wants to remain married. She isn't certain yet but she's leaning toward divorce. If she was younger she would leave. One of the big reasons she's considering staying is because her odds of finding a new mate are very low. "Less than one in ten for a woman of her age," she told me.

I'm not at all surprised that a gay man would tell his straight wife that his ability to love her is limited. That's not a crazy statement. But it's a stupid one - especially if he wants to stay married.

Perhaps he said it because he's trying to sabotage their relationship. Maybe he's too afraid to leave her so instead he's passive aggressively trying to get her to do the dirty work. I really don't know what he wants. The wife did not offer me any other information about him nor did she tell me anything else he has said.

Regardless of his intentions, those few words were a knife in her back. They cut her to the core and have done more to destroy their relationship than anything else since he came out.

The conversation between the wife and me began when I said her husband's statement was vague. She thought I was nuts. She said, "I don't find the comment at all vague. It means exactly what it says--that he cannot fully love a woman."

My reply, in essence, was to not let the fate of her marriage hang on those words. I encouraged her to have an in-depth conversation with her husband so that she could understand EXACTLY what he thinks. What are his limitations? How will they affect their relationship? At the end of the day, I asked her, shouldn't she be 'real' and not theoretical or assumptive when it comes to making major life decisions?

This woman's dilemma may be very common. She said as much herself: "I don't think I'm unusual in wanting to be loved fully with NO limitations. I want to be the one who wins the crown; not first runner up." Well, sure, who WANTS to be first runner up?

The thing is, she isn't first runner up to another person, she's first runner up to a pie-in-the-sky fantasy. One that her husband clearly does not take seriously. If he really thought he could have an enduring relationship with a man, he'd leave. But he WANTS to stay. He knows that she is the best companion he's likely to ever find.

Does that mean he's settling for her? If so, should she be so offended that they divorce?

Maybe it's just me but I'd like to knock some common sense into both of them.

First, to the man, and to all those bi and gay men out there who WANT to remain married to their wives - can you please show some sensitivity to the woman you're spending your life with?

Where was this man's compassion? Hadn't he already caused enough pain? Was it really necessary to insult his wife and degrade their relationship? No, it wasn't.

I can understand if you're over 60 and your prospects are few that you might be bitter. I get it. I really do. But what is the point of denigrating your current life? Is feeling sorry for yourself going to change anything for the better? Is Prince Charming suddenly going to show up at your door because he heard you're looking for him? No.

There is a time and place to wallow in the muck of your own misery. It's called your therapist's office. You pay him or her big bucks. Let them handle all your negativity and all your crap. While you're there, get it all out, full throttle. Then go home and kiss your wife and tell her that you appreciate her. Is that so much to ask?

To the wife, and all the other dreamers out there like her, I'd like to say - I understand how you feel. I want to be wanted. We all want to be wanted. We want to be loved and cherished and to KNOW that we come first and that we always will.

To be wanted is a universal desire. But it's not the only one. In fact there are many. We want to be healthy. We don't want bad things to happen to us or to the people we love. We want to be happy. We want to never worry about money.

Wouldn't life be perfect if we could all have those things? Well, we can't. It's just not the way life works. Wonderful things happen but so do terrible things. We can fight for what we want, but we can't expect perfection. There are circumstances where runner-up is still pretty good. Especially if first place is a fantasy that will never come true - like winning the lottery, or, meeting Mr. Perfect.

I say - if you're given the choice between living an imperfect but pretty good life, or, spending years waiting and hoping that your patience and determination will pay off with perfection - take your imperfect good life.

Now, having voiced my complaints about this couple, I have to admit that my whole attitude would be different if either of them didn't prefer to stay married, or, if he wanted to fool around and she didn't want that. Those are irreconcilable differences. But in this scenario, these two people WANT to stay together. Yet he sabotages that by having a pity party and she's upset that she's second to someone who doesn't exist. Get real you two! Life isn't perfect. Appreciate the good stuff while you have it.

The bottom line is that mixed orientation marriages are not perfect. They require accommodation, also known as, settling. I say either commit to the idea of committing - and do that with all your heart, or, pull the plug and move on with your lives.

What do you think?

Two Lives

2011-08-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

On August 30th 1986 I woke up at around 7:30am. I was tired and anxious. It was the very first time I had slept over in a man's house.

The man, a very distinguished Englishman in his early 50s, was extremely gracious. Although I had repeatedly refused his advances the night before, he let me lounge, undisturbed, in his bathtub for the better part of an hour. Then he served me a delicious, traditional English breakfast.

We had met the previous night at a small club in London. He took quite an interest in me after I told him it was my final night "out" before reporting to school the next day in Oxford. He wanted me to have a grand time and to experience what being out and gay in London was like. Much of the night was a blur, even then, because of too many drinks, too my clubs, and too many wild taxi rides.

Today is the 25th anniversary of that day. It's a day I remember quite vividly - like the day I got married and the days when my children were born.

What was most remarkable about the ten hours that I spent with that man was what he said as I stood up to leave after breakfast. He said, "Please don't go. Stay with me. Don't go back to college. Stay with me and I will take care of you. We can spend the rest of our lives together, you and I, and you'll never have to worry about a thing."

He was quite serious about his offer and that made it all the more stunning.

I couldn't believe how serious he was; the idea was preposterous! An Englishman more than twice my age? Whose name I couldn't remember? Ridiculous! Besides, tuition had been paid and a commitment had been made. Could he seriously believe that a 20 year old American kid would instantly change his life in order to become a kept boy in a foreign country?

I politely refused his offer, several times, and eventually made my escape from his flat. As I left, he pushed a small piece of paper into my hand and asked that I please call him when I got to Oxford.

A half-block later, I was still tightly gripping the note in my hand. I wanted to read it but I also didn't want the man to see me do so.

I walked a little further, then turned back to see if I was being watched. I wasn't. I scanned the neighborhood, and for the first time, noticed how strikingly handsome all the houses were. Without a doubt, the man was very wealthy. I opened the note and stared at the phone number for a few seconds. What would happen if I stayed? I wondered.

Then, realizing how dangerous the temptation was, I crushed the paper into a tiny ball and flung it as far away from me as I could.

That was at around 9:30am. Less than three hours later I was in my new dormitory room in Oxford.

I was one of the first students to arrive; the hall was empty. With no one around to talk with, I spent the next two hours unpacking my things and setting up my room. I was pretty much settled when I heard the doorbell ring at the hall's entrance. The Headmaster had let me in and I expected he would do the same for other students as they arrived. But the bell rang a second time, then a third. I decided I'd better answer the door myself.

When I opened the door, a very cheerful girl excitedly greeted me. She was struggling with two large bags and a very large wooden chest, so I grabbed the chest and one of the bags and hauled them up the stairs to the main floor. We talked for a minute and were both amazed to discover that we came from the same part of California but there we were meeting in the center of Oxford.

Because the Headmaster wasn't around, we decided to leave her things near the entrance and search the hall for her room. We found it another floor up; her name "Gabbie" was on the door.

I gave her a tour of the building, then we went back down to the entrance just in time to be greeted by the Headmaster's wife. Gabbie was welcomed and received her keys. I brought the large wooden chest and her two bags up to her room.

Gabbie later told me that she liked me from the moment we met. I don't know why.

More than a few times I have wondered what would have happened if the Headmaster's wife had opened the door for Gabbie instead of me. We still would have met but I would have been one of 50 other students in the program. Instead, I was 'special' from minute one, simply because I was there to welcome her and carry her luggage up a few flights of stairs.

The ironic juxtaposition of meeting my future wife on exactly the same day that I was offered a lifetime of financial security by a man continues to amaze me. It makes me think of a game show with Door #1 and Door #2. Except that I had no clue at the time of the momentousness of my decision.

Meeting Gabbie that day completely changed the direction of my life. Had we merely been friends or even just classmates, I would have stayed closeted for the remaining two years of college, but not much longer after that. My best friend from college, who was a year behind me, came out during his senior year. Chances are that we would have hooked up as lovers, probably for a short time, but his support would have undoubtedly given me the courage to come out as well - in 1989.

I sometimes think about that timeline - that alternate universe - that other life. I'd have no kids. I'd have an entirely different career. I'd live in an entirely different place. And hopefully, I'd have a partner with whom I'd be sharing the rest of my life.

That thought always freaks me out. Somewhere out there, right now, there's a man who would have been the center of my life. But I've never met him. Nor will I ever.

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the day everything changed, the day my one life split into two.

Commemorating this day has become a big deal for me. Gabbie always liked to make a big deal about our wedding anniversary but this year we both tried our best to pretend it was just another day. I told her then that we should choose August 30th as a new date to celebrate, as it marked the day our friendship began. Now that the day has arrived, I can tell that she has completely forgotten.

I'll be surprising her at work with roses, chocolates and a small, personal gift. Her days at work are very gloomy right now and I know I'll be able to cheer her up. At least for a few minutes.

"Are you freaking nuts?" You might ask. "Why do you continue to carry a torch for a woman who clearly wants to be done with you?"

I'm not carrying a torch, I'm drawing a circle. Or at least trying to. I hope that by marking this day, I can draw a neat circle around 25 years of our lives. We had our separate lives before we met; we've had our time together; now we're starting a new phase. I hope that by doing this, it will give both of us, and especially me, an appropriate sense of closure.

So although I am giving my wife chocolates and roses today, and I won't be dating men tomorrow, I will be dating them very soon. And that makes me wonder - what will happen in the next 25 years?

The Internet Dating Undead

2011-08-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

Although millions of people use on-line dating sites like Match.com, I'm skeptical about their effectiveness.

For one thing, if they work so well, why is it that the SAME guys are looking for love month after month and year after year? Many of them are not hideously ugly. They say they want a long-term relationship. Their profiles are reasonably interesting. So why are they still single after four and five years???

I have this theory...

I suspect that the ease and convenience of on-line dating lulls users into believing that finding someone for the long-term is far easier than it actually is.

I also suspect that successfully using on-line dating sites requires strategic thinking. The 'luck', 'fate' and 'hope' that many users rely on just don't get results.

Convenience is THE reason to look for love on-line. In the 'old' days you'd have to get dressed up and hit the bars on Friday and Saturday nights to meet someone. Now you can look like a total slob and go on-line anytime and peruse thousands of ads. Simple and easy, right?

What's also convenient is how much information you get to know about a guy. In a bar you know what he looks like, but unless you actually speak to him you don't know anything about him. In a bar, you have to resort to cheesy pick-up lines like "What's your sign?" In the Internet era you're 'empowered' with information. If a guy says he likes to hike in his profile, boom, you have a customized pick-up line for him - "Where are the best hiking spots around here?" See? It's easy.

Deceptively easy, I say. The truth is that too much ease, and especially, too much information, make on-line dating sites far less successful than they appear to be.

A recently published study showed that too many dating choices is a bad thing. They found that too many choices causes information overload and a tendency to get distracted by irrelevant information. Ultimately people react by NOT reacting, like deer mesmerized by headlights. I know that I have felt overwhelmed by too many choices.

The thing is, yes, there is an initial information overload that happens when you first log-in and see 30 or 50 or even 1000 hits from a search request. But you adapt - and so does everyone else.

We adapt by becoming selective. We only look at the "top" matches. Or, we look at pictures. Or, we set height, weight, income and age requirements. Thankfully dating sites provide a multitude of ways to search and sort. That way we can find EXACTLY the guy we're looking for. And shouldn't the ease of being selective make finding the right guy happen that much faster?? Maybe it should, but it doesn't.

Information overload has forced us to become too selective and not just about who we message. Selectivity extends to who we'll meet, who we'll have sex with, who we'll ever see a second time. On-line dating sites prove that it's a great big ocean out there, so finding exactly the RIGHT FISH is not unreasonable. And until Mr. Right Fish comes along, you can pass the time, and have some fun with, the few decent guys you do meet.

Another way we cope with information overload is by becoming selective observers. For example, once I've spent a few weeks on a site I've memorized the pictures of "everyone" who might be a match. From that pool I've carefully narrowed the choices down to "the best matches". Once I'm focused on those few, I pretty much ignore everyone else. I might notice a new picture but not a new headline or new text. And I don't think I'm different from everyone else. Within two months time I think most users only pay attention to who's new. After that, "it's always the same old guys."

Breaking out from the crowd and getting noticed pretty much REQUIRES strategic thinking. There are exceptions, especially if you're young and hot. Other than that, you have to think outside the box and most people don't. And that's why they spend years and years looking. They're too selective, they ignore 98% of the population and they've never realized that fate and luck have nothing to do with success. I call these guys the Internet Dating Undead - guys who stumble along in a mindless, endless quest for romantic salvation.

I haven't been playing the Internet Dating Game yet. I'm an observer. So my lack of practical experience could easily mean that my ideas are pure nonsense. But until I gain experience and test my theories, I feel like I don't any choice but to set some rules for myself that will, hopefully, keep me from becoming a member of the Internet Dating Undead. Here they are:

1. Never keep an active profile up on a site for more than two months.

This may turn out to be folly, but I'm determined to give it a try. The reason is that after two months you're stale. You're ignored. You're undead. You haven't found someone yet? You're not worth messaging. Changing your picture or your profile might extend your shelf-life a little, but those aren't likely to work for long. The only solution is to bow out gracefully.

After you delete your profile, then what? There are two options: either you switch to a different dating site or you think again about ways to meet men off-line. Either way, switching keeps YOU fresh. It's a burst of oxygen that keeps you from turning into a corpse.

2. Provide a very modest amount of information about yourself in your profile

When you post a profile, you're advertising yourself. As such, an effective profile shares the same qualities as an effective ad: it's attractive, interesting, maybe a little funny, definitely memorable, and, it's not overwhelming. Less is more.

When people read profiles they must contend with information overload. They do this to some degree by selectively reading, aka skimming. But even if they carefully read every word, they're still being selective, mostly negatively selective. "Negatively selective" means they're reading to find your flaws so that they can cross you off their list and forever-after ignore you. I think many guys post detailed profiles because they want "a good match" or at least, to screen out the bad matches. My belief is that long profiles DO screen out the bad matches - and many potentially good matches too.

Even simple lists of likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies can get you rejected. "You like to snowboard? I like to ski. That's relationship could never work!" It's stupid for people to think like that, but they do. You do it too, you just don't realize it. You are so trained to be negatively selective that you don't even realize you're doing it. And it's all because too many profiles make you WANT to eliminate prospects.

As with too much information, too many pictures are more likely to work against you than for you. If someone thinks you 'look too X' in just one picture, boom, you're out, even if you look good in the other five.

Although most of the Internet Dating Undead are zombies, there's also a contingent of vampires out there. I think of these guys as the 'experienced' or 'professional' on-line daters. These are the guys who have "been there, done that" and have decided that they need to eliminate the dating riff-raff by posting extremely detailed, explicit and often very opinionated profiles. I think of them as vampires because they want to sample a lot of blood, but they're never satisfied. They just want to stick their teeth in you and then move on. Their profiles are often highly amusing because they are inevitably amazed by their lack of romantic success. All they want to do is "find Mr. Right! Why is that so difficult???" Because they're too damn picky! Most likely because they don't have the looks, personality and/or intelligence to get the kind of guy they think they should have. Vampires - they can't see themselves in the mirror.

3. Be assertive

As this blog has proven, I can be a real doormat. Being too passive is definitely part of who I am. How fortunate for me because when it comes to on-line dating, I'll fit right in. My theory is that most people who prefer reading profiles vs. meeting people in person already have a tendency to be introverted and passive. Therefore, it shouldn't be surprising that the majority of dating site users are far more passive than they should be - assuming that they want to be successful.

Too many choices and too much information lead to inertia. It's the nature of the on-line beast. To combat this tendency, you have to be proactive.

OMG this will be difficult for me!

My plan is to use my two months time on a site wisely. I am committing to myself to proactively contact a certain number of guys each week. I'm not sure what the right number should be. Three? Four? Something like that. When I contact them I'll be mindful that less is more. So I'll try "lines" that are simple and somewhat flirty. "You're a teacher? I had a few crushes on teachers when I was growing up. I still have a real weakness for them! Your profile caught my eye. Let me know if you'd like to meet for coffee sometime." Yes, it's a bit cheesy but the point is that if the guy is even remotely interested, he'll answer.

4. No Internet Courtships

I have a number of Internet friendships. I value them just as much as real-life friendships, even though we've never met. Relationships are not the same. Meeting is required!!! So, when playing the Internet Dating Game, the goal is to meet as soon as is reasonable. Flirty messages can be fun, but only to a point. Overall I plan to be assertive about meeting quickly. If I get resistance, there must be a reason. Either the guy is hiding something, will only meet Mr. Perfect, or just isn't into me. Fine. Then there's no reason to engage in protracted electronic mating rituals.

So there you have it. My rules for avoiding both Vampires and the Undead - based on zero years of real life Internet dating experience. It will be interesting to see how my opinions evolve over the coming months...

Do you have any Internet dating advice you would like to share? Or comments about the above ideas? Don't be shy, use the form below.

Another Big On-Line Lie: "I'm bisexual"

2011-08-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

My last post began with a reference to an OkTrends article from a year ago entitled, "The Big Lies People Tell in Online Dating." The article uses data from more than 3 million OkCupid users to show that a significant minority of men lie about their height and income on their dating profiles.

I also wrote about other lies that I expect to encounter, including penis size, age and relationship status, but I made no mention of the real "shocker" of the same OkTrends article. That "lie" deserves a post of its own.

Here's what OkTrends says about on-line dating claims of bisexuality:

OkCupid is a gay- and bi-friendly place and it's not our intention here to call into question anyone's sexual identity. But when we looked into messaging trends by sexuality, we were very surprised at what we found. People who describe themselves as bisexual overwhelmingly message either one sex or the other, not both as you might expect. Site-wide, here's how it breaks out:

+ 41% of bisexuals ONLY send messages to men
+ 36% of bisexuals ONLY send messages to women
+ 23% of bisexuals send messages to both men and women

This suggests that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches.

To document their assertion that "bisexuality is often a hedge for gay people" OkTrends shares this graph and text:

In this chart, throughout the teens and twenties, the male bisexual population is mostly observably gay men. By the mid-thirties, it seems, most of these men are more comfortable self-identifying as gay and have left the bi population. By the end of our chart, 3 of every 4 bi males on OkCupid are observably straight. Meanwhile, the proportion of men who message both women and other men holds fairly steady.

Please note, everybody, that we don’t assume that bis should be “into both genders equally.” We only assume that they should be into both genders at all. The swaths of red and blue that you see in these sexuality charts represent people who message only one gender. The purple areas are people who send any messages, in whatever proportion, to both men and women.

Female bisexuals, it turns out, are more consistent. There's a slight uptrend in the late teens and early 20s to message both men and women, but after that, roughly one-third of bisexual women message only men, one-third message only women and the remaining third message both.

The OkTrends blog where this article appeared has a comment section - and wow! - did they get comments about this bisexuality data. Many wanted to explain why the above analysis is wrong. The most convincing argument I saw was that many bisexuals already had a connection with one gender and THAT'S why the data is skewed. That makes sense to me. But it's still impossible to know if that is the major reason "bisexual" appears to mean "I want a man" for such a large portion of male OkCupid users.

Had this article been more widely read, I expect many non-bisexuals would have trumpeted the results as proof that "bisexual" is nothing more than "a stop on the road to Gaytown" as the TV character Carrie Bradshaw so famously said. You poor bisexuals...not many straights or gays believe you're genuinely into both genders.

So what does this post have to do with the super sexy hero of this blog (aka me)? Absolutely nothing.

I guess I'm like everyone else and I can't resist the opportunity to have a little fun at the expense of you fence-sitting bisexuals.

Are lies expected in on-line dating profiles?

2011-08-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

Shocking news: people lie about themselves in their on-line dating profiles!

The dating site OKCupid has a fascinating blog called OKTrends. OKTrends describes itself as "original research and insights from OkCupid. We've compiled our observations and statistics from hundreds of millions of OkCupid user interactions, all to explore the data side of the online dating world."

An OKTrends article first published in July of 2010 details "The Big Lies People Tell in OnLine Dating." Care to guess what the big lies are? Or how often they're told?

Lie #1: Men are two inches shorter in real life. Starting at around 5'8" a significant number of men round up their height. The closer to 6' they are, the more likely it is that they will round up to that number.

Lie #2: Men say their income is 20% higher than it actually is. That's on average. Apparently, the older a man is, the more he exaggerates. Once he's over forty, he's likely to exaggerate his income by more than 35%. Not surprisingly, OKTrends reports that the more a man says he makes, the more often he gets messaged. Lying pays off!

Lie #3: Better pictures are likely to be old pictures. OKTrends says that 1/3 of the hottest pictures are more than a year old and that a hot picture is 3x as likely to be at least three years old compared to an average picture. And big surprise, the older the person is, the more likely their picture is old too. By age 50, the average picture is more than a year and a half old.

OKTrends can prove that some people lie but they really don't offer any evidence about how widespread the lying is. Looking at their graphs, it appears that roughly one-third of men lie about their height, half of the guys who make more than $50k lie about their income, and almost everyone with a 'hot' picture hasn't kept it updated.

None of that is especially surprising, is it? Probably the biggest surprise is that the 'big lies' are about height, income and old pictures. What about penis size, age and relationship status??

I expect that OKTrends couldn't write about those because they don't have "real" data to compare with user-reported information. That's a shame. I'd really like to know if an on-line eight inch dick is statistically most likely to be five, six or seven inches.

Notice that I didn't even consider eight as an option. That's because I expect anyone who says eight to be lying.

And that brings me to the 'big question' about on-line dating profiles: is lying so common that it's expected?

If it is, that has big implications. Take the average looking, 5'7" guy who makes $55k a year. If he tells the truth, he's in the minority. Most other guys would say they're 5'9", or that they make $75k, or they'll use an older, better looking profile picture. So isn't the honest guy somewhat screwed by being honest? And by the time a potential match sifts through the BS of all the liars, won't he be a year older and that much less attractive?? But then...he's honest. So maybe the match finds him much more appealing than he otherwise would simply because he's honest?

It's a real puzzle isn't it, whether it's better to "fib" or not?

As I contemplate posting my own online profile I have to decide how important being honest is to me. On the one hand, decades of largely living in the closet have worn on me. I'm tired of telling lies and half-truths. I'm also conscious of the fact that I lied so much and for so long that lying had become second nature. I want those days to be over.

On the other hand, I wonder: what if everyone else thinks 45 means 50+? Or what if Mr. Right can accept 5'9" but 5'8" is too short? Also, a profile is nothing more than an advertisement. Its purpose is to attract potential 'buyers' - you know, guys to come down to the showroom to kick the tires and go for a test drive. No one gets married based on a profile so does it really matter if you lie? You're going to meet and click - or not - regardless. So you might as well play the online game, right?

Grrr! I can't decide. I really, really, really want to be 100% authentic. But the truth is, I also really, really, really wish I was younger and taller.

So, dear readers, what do you think? Do you lie? Do you believe that most others lie? Do you think it's a mistake NOT to lie? Or, do you think truth and honesty are so uncommon that when you encounter them, the honest guy is THAT much more appealing?

The Next Step

2011-08-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ya'll are awesome.

Eighteen comments plus several more emails about my last post...and each one very thoughtful.

I wish I had some interesting news to report (Wouldn't "I'm having my second gay adolescence!" be great?), but I don't. Inertia and I are still holding hands. Maybe in a few weeks we'll work our way up to making out, but given who we are, a few weeks might be too optimistic.

I'm hit or miss when it comes to replying to comments. Often I feel a bit overwhelmed. Good answers to difficult questions require thought and space. The comment box often feels too limited. So this post is mostly about the issues and comments from the last post.

I like to be challenged and several of you were nice enough to challenge me. But one reader, "D" challenged other readers:

Gabbie, while not entirely blameless in this relationship, is not the villain some of you are inclined to paint her.

Lest you forget, Cameron KNEW he was gay when he married her. Was she given a choice? Cameron left her shortly after their marriage and before they had kids only to return to her because he missed and loved her. But that didn't stop him from taking a series of male lovers. Did he ask her permission? But you would condemn her for taking a lover now. As a middle aged woman who's never had sex with a straight man.... Gabbie was a virgin when she married. She remained a technical virgin years into her marriage.With all the excuses I've heard you men use to justify your behavior, your sappy need to be "fulfilled" and every other romantic and self absorbed drivel, have you ever considered what life must have been like for Gabbie? How she reconciled HER needs with her desire to remain with a man she loved? You have a hell of a lot of nerve castigating her for "flaunting" her affair. I guess deceit and blogging about your sexcapades is preferable to being honest.

She's not perfect but neither was her husband. He's a good man, don't get me wrong, but he is not a perfect man and to a large extent the bed he finds himself in is of his own making. Is Gabbie blameless? No, but she is entitled to a small measure of the compassion you are so willing to show for each others "weaknesses".

I believe that "D" felt compelled to wrote this comment in response to what Jayson said, specifically: "Isn't your current marriage totally awkward and unfulfilling and on top of that totally disrespectful and one sided? If you met your wife right now and went on a date, wouldn't she be about the worst date you could imagine compared to all the other prospects?"

To be clear, D is 100% correct. My wife is not the villain. No, she's not perfect, but I don't blame her for her affair, nor am I angry about it. After being rejected by her I could be very bitter and blame her for failing me and the kids, but I don't feel that way. She hasn't failed in any way. My sexuality is the fundamental flaw. I chose to lie to her when she asked me if I was gay. She married me believing that I was straight. Therefore I am 100% responsible for where we are today. Period.

As to the quality of our relationship, I undoubtedly have not been clear. Last year was rough. She was out 5 or 6 nights a week and she was usually drunk when she was out. But this year hasn't been like that. She goes out most Fridays and she'll plan something with various friends on another night of the week, but other than that, she's home. Our marriage is not, nor has it ever been, awkward. And it has been quite fulfilling. So fulfilling in fact that the most difficult times for me are when she's out. I miss her.

On the other hand, yes, the marriage is very one-sided. It would be better if it wasn't, but I don't mind so much. I understand her and her needs and the things that bother her don't bother me nearly as much so I don't mind being a doormat.

As for my wife being the worst date I could have right now...most definitely not. She'd probably be the best date. She's fun and engaging - always the center of every party. You'd think she was awesome, Jayson, if you saw her in action. She's full of life with a strong, outgoing, charismatic personality.

It's my fault that she seems so awful. I know all her good points, I don't need to write about them. The stuff that's fresh to me is the bad stuff, so I tend to write about that. This has undoubtedly created an unfairly negative image of her. Given Jayson and D's comments I thought I should try to clear up MY one-sided characterization of her. Hopefully I've done that.

A related point of clarification I should make is about my happiness. Austin, Will, Jayson, New Leaf, Biki and BuddyBear essentially had the same opinion: my happiness is essential to my kids' happiness. If I want to do the best by them then I need to do the best by me. "Kink" completely disagreed. He said, "Your kids are not supposed to know that you are miserable. You are not supposed to lean on your kids emotionally. They are not supposed to be 'there for you', but you are supposed to 'be there for them'." Kink's point is really interesting.

If I thought the question of my happiness applied to the kids, I'd spend a lot more time writing about it. But the fact is, I'm not unhappy. I'm disappointed that the person I would most like to be with doesn't want to be with me. Still, I can't blame her for feeling that way, even if that leaves me very unmotivated. If I was unhappy or mad or hurt or greatly unfulfilled, I'd have powerful reasons to make changes. But on a daily basis I'm content. It's my long-term future that I know I need to address. My age really weighs on me. My parents, who are only 20 years older than me, have aged very poorly. I feel that if I wait until my youngest kid graduates from high school in 7 years, my prospects will be poor. Too bad that it's turning out that beating that clock is not much of an incentive to come out of the closet now.

Multiple readers gave some strong advice on another issue: divorce. Austin, Will and Biki all feel that it would be wise to move quickly. Biki said, "Often when we're not looking for love, it seems to pop out at us. And if you find someone, I think the divorce could quickly become WW3. Divorce while everyone is still talking to each other." And Austin said almost exactly the same thing but added, "Since she seems to have a bit of a temper, there's a non-zero chance she'll snap and rake you over the coals in a divorce suit, especially since most of the laws favor women even without infidelity coming into the picture. If you think a friendly divorce is bad, you really don't want to see a hostile one."

Biki and Austin's divorce advice seems sound. But I (perhaps foolishly) don't think it applies to my situation. Why? First - because money doesn't matter much to me. It probably should matter more. And second - when I came out to my wife 18 years ago I had financial control in our relationship. When we got back together, it was very important for her to feel in control of her own financial future; she was afraid I might leave again at any moment. As proof of my trustworthiness, I ceded all control of my finances to her. Subsequently, and in a sincere effort to make a 'nice home' for me and the kids, Gabbie lost every penny we've ever earned in real estate. There are no assets to be divided. And although my income is significantly higher than hers, I don't worry about child or spousal support. Why? Because right now I have no money AND I take of the kids. I'd be perfectly willing to trade the money I don't have for more independence, but I don't think Gabbie will take that deal.

The majority of comments pertained to dating. That's especially helpful because that's the area where I have serious concerns. Anonymous essentially said, "If you're negative, all you'll see is the negative." Will, Jayson and RB said, "Be proactive." Hmmmph. Easier said than done, on both counts.

Maggie's dating advice might be the easiest to follow. She suggested that I not date for a year. I'm not sure when the clock starts ticking for that year, but by one measure it's already been 7 months. We told the kids we were separated in early January. But that's turned into such a non-event it probably doesn't count.

Mike D. and Ron were nicely inspirational. They found love - I will too.

Mike, Cecil and New Leaf all said that dating requires patience. I know this to be true...and that's one of the reasons for my bad attitude. I know I will be impatient because I lack the motivation to keep trying. Patience requires motivation and my motivation is lacking.

Jack, fortunately, might have the cure. He says I still haven't accepted that my marriage is over. I think he's mostly right. Intellectually, I have accepted that fact. But on the other hand, absolutely nothing in my life has changed to make it "feel" over. One of my biggest hopes is that WHEN something tangible changes, it'll feel like a big kick in the ass and my attitude will change for the better. So Jack, I hope you're right.

Are there any tangible changes coming? No big ones, that's certain. I won't be filing for divorce nor will I be getting my own place any time soon. One possible change is that maybe, possibly, sooner rather than later, I'll start sleeping in a bed of my own.

The other change, and this is the ONLY ACTION I can muster any enthusiasm about taking, has to do with advice from D, Kink and two other readers who emailed me directly. They all suggested that I meet new people by exploring my own interests. Some of them also emphasized taking dating out of the equation - to focus on friendships and to let things develop naturally from there.

Well, yee-ha, finally something Mr. Cameron Do-Nothing can get excited about: find platonic gay friends. That will work for me.

The big question is...how to do that? I feel like my schedule and suburban location are oppressive. I've looked extensively on-line for all sorts of gay-related activities. But nothing 'clicks' and works with my schedule.

My failure to find something suitable is very frustrating - I have a solution but I can't implement it!!

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I know I have to keep looking. But I'm wondering if there are any friends-first gay social networking sites out there. Probably not.

Regardless, I'll keeping looking for opportunities. If ya'll have any ideas or suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Give Up Gracefully?

2011-07-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ya'll can celebrate: I've given up trying to woo my wife.

***

More than two weeks ago, when my wife was in a very bad mood and brooding about a fight with her "friend" Charlie, she took aim at me. She told me that under no circumstances would she EVER want to "be" with me.

Yes, she was angry at him and I took the hit, but I knew the truth when I heard it. I realized then that I have been tilting at windmills.

I took the news badly. It was like a punch in the face, a stab in the gut and a kick to the nuts all at once. I've been working to scrape myself off the pavement ever since.

All-in-all, I'm doing OK. I'm glad to know the truth and to have some closure on the question of our romantic future together. Still, I hate the answer.

But it is what it is.

I've been trying to comfort myself with positive thoughts about the future. It's not going well.

About six months ago I tried to get excited about dating men. My attitude was positive for about two weeks, then I started feeling very unmotivated. There were several issues that contributed to my malaise. At the top of the list was that it felt wrong for me to date. The relationship with my wife seemed so normal, it felt like I'd be betraying her, even if I met someone for coffee.

I had big hopes that getting bluntly rejected by her would change my attitude. It hasn't. Unfortunately, the same four hang-ups from before continue to haunt me:

1. Everyday life with my wife continues to be normal and therefore the idea of looking for someone to potentially replace her feels...wrong. Yes, the idea of snuggling up with a great guy to watch The Closer together on Monday nights is very appealing. But that's something my wife and I have done for years. How can I just toss her aside?

Logically I know I should think about the future and not cling to the past but it's just not that easy. The thought of looking for a guy feels like I'm abandoning her and that's not what I want to do. Yet...I know I'm not being fair to myself if I continue to settle for a woman who only wants to be friends.

I don't know if it will work, but I hope the "cure" for this problem can come from my wife. I'm hoping that I'll feel comfortable looking for a guy if she gives me some sort of blessing. She hasn't done that yet but she has dropped some encouraging hints, including recently when she asked me why I haven't been to any Gay Scrabble Nights lately. (There haven't been any. Lack of interest probably - no sex involved.)

2. After reading about the gay dating experiences of many others, the idea of trying to meet a quality guy on the Internet seems like an exercise in futility. At best, it seems like Chinese water torture, a drip-drip-drip of endless bullshit. I don't want or expect an instant relationship but I don't want to play games either. And I don't want to fuck around for "fun" while I wait for the right guy. What I want is to spend quality time getting to know potentially compatible guys. Just spare me the games and the headaches, please.

My antipathy for playing the Gay On-line Dating Game is so acute that no matter what dating site I log in to, I spend about ten minutes reading profiles then I get tired of the Salesmanship and The Checklist and log out. For someone who hasn't been out on a guy-date in 19 years, I am astoundingly jaded. It really sucks to be so negative but I can't help it. And worst of all, I have absolutely no idea how to fix my bad attitude.

3. Why do I even bother thinking about dating? I have a dull life but it is consumed with taking care of the kids. They resent my wife because they think she's never home. If I start dating, I won't be home as much either. How will they feel then? Resentful and abandoned. Why have kids if I'm not going to spend the required time with them? The truth is, full-time parenting and dating do not mix. If I had any common sense at all I'd focus on the kids for now and completely forget about men.

4. No guy worth committing to wants to date an already-committed man. Hook-ups are fun for as long as they last but the minute they're over (or, far too often, the minute one of you cums) the regret begins. Yes I'm jaded about gay Internet dating, but I'm positively radioactive about hook-ups. "Fine," you say, "Lots of guys are looking for more than a hook up." I believe that. But the same guys who want more than a hook-up are exactly the same guys who have enough sense to stay away from already 'committed' men. "Easy enough," you say, "get divorced." Well guess what? I don't WANT to get divorced. I don't want to eat my words at some future date so I'm not going to say that I will never get divorced, but honestly, that's how I feel. And my wife feels the same. Hurray for gay marriage and all but I personally have absolutely, positively no desire to get married again. And divorce locks us both into a legal framework with custody and alimony that neither of us wants to get into. I want a peaceful life and getting into a pissing match about the terms of divorce is the very last thing I want to do. The kids will be grown soon enough so why bother with getting divorced if you're never going to marry again?

The other issue related to commitment is that neither my wife nor I can see a situation right now where splitting into two households would be better for either of us or the kids. We get along well and we can have separate bedrooms. So, other than the potential to PERHAPS please a guy I like, there's no reason to live apart.

When you put together the fact that we have no intention to file for divorce AND that we intend to continue living in the same house, what self-respecting looking-for-a-relationship-not-a-hook-up homo is going to want to have anything to do with me? They won't!

Let's review...

really bad attitude about gay dating - check
schedule like a single parent leaves little flexibility for dating - check
living with my wife with no plans to either move out or divorce any time soon - check.

The conclusion is obvious. I should not torture myself or others by even THINKING of dating until my youngest, who is nearing 12, is essentially independent.

The thing is...after putting up with all the Gabbie-Charlie BS for the last several years, it's really, really, really difficult to imagine letting another 5 or 6 years pass me by.

So, I don't know what to do... It looks to me like this all comes down to a kids-or-me decision and there's no question that the kids come first.

If anyone can suggest some miracle solutions I'd love to hear them.

Sacrificing for the Greater Good

2011-07-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have participated in a number of on-line forums for "curious" married men over the years. The Internet began for me in 1995 with Inter Relay Chat (IRC). What a godsend that was, to no longer feel alone.

In the 16 years since, I have read and heard many stories from "curious" married men. Very often, to the point of it being cliche', they say they stay married for the sake of their wives and their children - that they're sacrificing their needs for the greater good of their family. As a father and a family man myself, I've always understood exactly how they've felt.

In recent months I have been interacting with straight wives for the first time. It really is fascinating - and eye opening - to learn about familiar situations from an unfamiliar point of view.

Stuck with the limitations of our own thoughts, we make assumptions about our wives and children. We become convinced that sacrificing is part of being a good husband and a good father. It never occurs to us that we might be doing more harm than good by staying, or, that the sacrifice we think we're making is all for naught.

The fact is, until we take the plunge, we never know what will happen if we're honest with our wives.

The following story was written by a straight wife. It's a bit long and could be edited to be more direct. But I have decided to leave it exactly as it was told to me. If you pay attention to the few things she says about her husband's thinking, you will see that he believed staying closeted was best for everyone. I wonder what he thinks now?

I look forward to reading your thoughts and comments.

------------------

Michael and I have been married for nearly 16 years now. We met at work when we were in our early 20's, and within 3 months, I was pregnant with our first (of what would eventually be 3) child(ren). He had been asking me to marry him since about two weeks after we started dating, and I did love him. I'm not sure I ever "fell" in love with him. But I thought that it would be easier than doing it on my own, and if it didn't work out, we'd be no worse for the wear.

The next several months were a whirlwind; I planned a large wedding for 3 months later (I would be about 5.5 months pregnant at that point in time), just before Thanksgiving of 1996. Then our honeymoon, Thanksgiving, then thank-you cards, and we swept on into the holidays. Then I fell and had a bad back injury that sidelined me, followed up by a baby shower, more thank-you cards and the arrival of our son. As anyone who's ever been a new parent knows, the next few years were followed by exhaustion and mayhem. Lol. And throughout this entire time, we were just trying to get to know each other amidst the storm. But we persevered, and we bought our first home and we had another child at his insistence.

Over the next few years, we would go through a whirlwind of storms - both of us losing our jobs simultaneously while I was 7 months pregnant with our second child, selling our home before we could lose it, filing bankruptcy, moving out of state, a DUI (him), an unexpected pregnancy at what was then the lowest part of our marriage, having our rental home sold two months after our baby's arrival (with 28 days to vacate), and then we discovered that our 6 year-old son (the oldest) had been molested 6 months earlier. We closed up shop, moved back home to family and started over. Things got better after that. During the entire marriage up until this point, there were constant employment issues (him) and lots of sexual frustration (me). But again, we kept at it. We got through on sheer grit and determination.

His mom eventually came to live with us. She's been with us for about 4 years now. Our youngest, at 8 years old now, cannot even remember Grandma not living with us. The family dynamics changed - Grandma would do some chores and shopping while we were at work. This enabled us to spend more time in leisure in the evenings. And yet, we were not spending it together. He was glued to Glee and Desperate Housewives and I was reading romance novels in my bedroom or the bathtub. I began to get desperate for intimacy - I was literally begging him for it - crying over it. He said he'd try harder, and nothing would happen. I got a tummy tuck and a breast reduction and some lipo on my thighs. After some healing, other men were noticing me, but he still was not. And eventually, I began responding to the other mens' advances. I had an affair, and it felt like I was being fed for the first time in years with sexual attention and fulfillment. And we only slept together once! That broke off quickly, but not before I realized that I could never go on without passion in my life again. I had a "wife" - someone who cooked, cleaned, bought me beautiful clothes. But I had no man - no one to do home repairs, change the oil in the vehicles, slap my ass and drag me to the other room. I had no one to tell me that I was beautiful. Just that I had blue eyes. "Hi blue eyes - I love your blue eyes" was the only compliment I ever got.

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. He freaked. I had warned him several times throughout the last few years that THIS was the problem that would break us. After all we'd been through, it was the missing glue that would allow everything to crumble apart. He insisted that we go to therapy, and I conceded, if only to give him time to come to terms with the break-up. We'd done counseling before, and within 2 sessions, the counselor would suggest private counseling for him due to post traumatic stress disorder; he'd been severely sexually abused as a child in an orphanage in a 3rd world country for over a year. Repeatedly raped by men who spread the word that he was a willing partner. He was six years old. He would start to work through his issues - try to open up to the counselor, but then would cut bait and run. This time, he stuck it out.

At one point during his sessions (I was no longer going), I outright asked him if he was gay. He said he didn't know - he'd "think" about it. WRONG answer. But I let it go, thinking maybe that therapy had taught him to consider things rather than snapping off answers. He came back to me a week later and told me that he "didn't think so". There had been signs. He was not effeminate per se, but as I said, he was very domestic. He liked decorating, cleaning, cooking. He became a chef. He loved to pick out my clothing. He was not your "typical" guy - didn't hang with the guys, didn't like sports or wrenching on cars or typical male events. But I attributed this to being raised by a single mom. When he got drunk occasionally, my male friends at parties would complain that he would get overly chummy with them. I never saw him turn his head in 16 years toward another woman. He described his lack of desire for me as being not my fault. And my head believed this - he was just so damaged from his past. But my heart, my soul - they never got any message but rejection. I was left hurting and felt like a wounded animal over what I must look like to him that he would reject me so constantly when I tried my hardest. I was heavy, true. But I was curvy as hell - better looking than most of the models in the BBW magazines. I could turn a head with a long blink of my eye, but I could NOT entice the father of my children, the man who sees me walk by him jiggling my parts for his pleasure. My girlfriends would complain of how their men would never leave them alone - they were harangued for sex constantly. And I would laugh with them. But I would be DYING inside. Not only wasn't I being chased, but I was not being responded to. I had a man who would not touch me below the waist, much less perform oral sex on me or become adventurous in ANY way except MAYBE to get out of missionary position and into doggy style occasionally. I had a man who looked at the ceiling when we made love. Who didn't notice me crying silently with tears running down my face while he finished off. Eventually, by the age of 35, he needed Viagra to get and keep an erection. And he could not come to ejaculation. He blamed this on his anti-depressant medication, which while definitely a possibility, is most likely NOT the reason, looking back on it.

We wound up living together for another year after we decided to divorce. We came to the conclusion that I couldn't turn "off" my need for intimacy any more than he could turn his "on". We were at an impasse. We needed time to get financial issues solved after he finished school and got a new job, established a career, saved money for moving out, etc. And SILL, he's wasn't leaving. I kept giving him time, knowing that leaving his home and wife and mother and children had to be soul-crushing. I was at my sister's, and my brother-in-law cracked and told me that my husband and he had gone out drinking several months earlier and that Michael had cried over being gay. Was afraid of having his kids and nieces kept from him over it. Brother-in-law said that I needed to be told, and that NO ONE was going to keep his children from him. And he would always be "Uncle M" to his nieces. And yet, he still couldn't bring himself to tell me. So I confronted him the next day. This was two weeks ago. And he finally broke and admitted it. He was devastated - he didn't want to be gay, but he knew he was. No experiences during the marriage, according to him, but he knew. He was worried that I would consider myself deceived or that he'd wasted 16 years of my life. And all I could feel was..........

RELIEF. NONE of the rejection was about me! It didn't mean I was unattractive, or bad in bed, undesirable or ugly. I had used that year of time together but preparing to separate and divorce to go out and explore my sexuality. I do NOT think this was okay. But I felt like I had been starved for so long that I could help but steal the bread placed in my pathway. It did my self-esteem a world of good to feel like it wasn't just a fluke that one or two men had found me attractive. EVERY SINGLE CONTACT that I'd made resulted in the person wanting to meet me. EVERY SINGLE DATE I'd gone on resulted in the person wanting to see me again. Several of my casual relationships turned into the men falling in love and being devastated that I either didn't feel similar or that I wasn't free and available to pursue a relationship at the time. Meanwhile, I felt like I wasn't "doing" anything to get them to react this way. I wasn't using NEARLY the arsenal in them that I'd used on my husband and been rejected for. I felt like someone had put a magic spell on me - every man I come in contact with will fall for me. And it was amazing to me - stupefying and astounding and unbelievable. I was told I was sexy, witty, intelligent, charming, fun, funny, and a wonder in bed. That I had self-confidence galore. And that they wanted to keep me forever. By the end of a year of that, I was starting to believe that they really saw this in me. Not that I saw myself this way, but that maybe, just.... MAYBE, they did. And I started to act like I was the bomb - that I could choose and be picky and demand that I be treated with dignity and respect. It felt glorious to know that I might be able to wait out the right relationship vs. taking whatever fluke fell into my lap.

Our children already knew about our impending divorce, so I saw no need to add confusion with telling them about Daddy's sexual preferences. Honestly, their parents' sex lives are none of their business and shouldn't be carried out in front of their eyes anyway. Considering Michael said he hadn't even had an encounter with a male, what would there be to tell the children, anyway? That Daddy likes to think about men? I am encouraging Michael to do things on his own terms - he should not feel that he needs to rush out and sleep with lots of men to see if he likes it. He doesn't need to hang out in gay clubs since they seem to make him uncomfortable. He doesn't have to do ANYthing on anyone else's terms. He should just treat himself gently so he won't get damaged further. Let his life unfold and reveal itself to him.

He will be moving out in the next few weeks. We've shopped for and secured an apartment and lots of necessities for his new home. We are in complete agreement over joint custody. We own no property together. We are in this together. He is my kids' dad, and my friend. I will know him until one of us passes from this earth. And I wish him nothing but the best. And he, in turn, wishes me the same. We have released each other from the constraints of marriage and each of us are free to date. I am doing so in a manner that is honest but not overly open. If and when I become more comfortable with more, I will share more with him.

I feel some resentment at Michael for letting me carry that heavy load all those years without even knowing what I was carrying. And it was so heavy that it broke me. He never meant for that to happen, and he's sorry that it went down that way. I, on the other hand, went and sought fulfillment from outside the marriage. Can either of us stand in judgment on each other? I think not - I think we call a truce and love each other as fellow flawed humans. We know each other well - we will continue to need some support from the other person, and we will continue to be that to each other.

My husband's admission to being gay has set me free - released me from the worry that I should have stuck it out, tried harder. There was no way to fix it, and I can stop trying with no guilt. We're excited (and scared) about our new lives. For the first time in years, I feel like I can exhale all the way. :)

Over the Cliff

2011-07-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a relatively new blogger, Maggie of Str8talk4Women, I've learned about a new book for gay men who are married to straight women. According to Amazon, it was first published only two months ago.

The book is called Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages. It features the stories of 16 married men who struggled with coming out and reconciling their sexuality with their straight marriage. It was written by two counselors, Bonny Kaye and Doug Dittmer. Each of them has been counseling straight wives and their gay husbands for many years. Bonnie Kaye has written a number of other books on the subject, but I believe this is the first one primarily written for the gay husband.

The book can be downloaded on Kindle for $7.70. I don't have a Kindle. If I did, I'd probably check it out. $20 for a paperback copy is too much for my cheap ass. Besides, I'm not sure what would be new to me in the book. Maybe some thoughts about handling the kids would be helpful.

I'm adding Maggie's blog to my list on the right. I'd like more married men to challenge themselves to understand the straight wife point of view. Trust me, I thought I understood, but I didn't genuinely "get it" until a few months ago when I had some extended conversations with a few straight wives.

I encourage you to visit her blog and listen, with an open mind, to what she has to say.

The Humiliation of Coming Out as Gay

2011-07-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

I first realized that I was attracted to other boys when I was 12.

In the months that followed I made excuses for my thoughts and tried to deny that I might be gay.

But denial didn't change the facts. Instead it ramped up the pressure I put on myself.

Ultimately, the pressure became overwhelming.

Fifteen months after The Realization I had a huge emotional breakdown and accepted myself as gay. I was 13.

I immediately felt better.

But self-acceptance was only one piece of the puzzle. I had no idea what to do next. Specifically, should I tell anyone?

There are kids today who come out as young as 12 or 13, but I can assure you that absolutely no one came out at 13 in 1980. So, although I accepted myself as gay I decided to keep it a secret - for as long as necessary.

At 15 I took my first tentative step out of the closet. Actually, I hadn't intended to step out at all. I sent an anonymous note to a crush but the note turned out to be much more revealing than I had planned. The fact that I blew my own cover was infuriating but the anger was nothing compared to the fear I felt. What if I was discovered?!!! I didn't feel at all ready to come out.

My worst fears were realized about two weeks later.

In very large block letters, someone wrote the word "FAG" across my locker, in fake Halloween blood.

That small incident was one of the biggest traumas of my life.

There was something about the surprise of seeing the word, the way it was written, and the fact that fake blood was used - somehow it touched the most vulnerable part of me. All of that together created a huge tidal wave of self-hatred that quickly overwhelmed me. I fell into a very deep depression.

The depression became a life and death struggle. I was only able to break free when I realized that I didn't have the courage to kill myself.

It's turned out that my cowardice at 15 has given me a lifetime of inner peace. When I decided I had no choice but to live, I also decided that holding on to negative ideas about homosexuality was pointless. I experienced an all-or-nothing crisis of self-acceptance and emerged completely at ease with myself.

In the three decades since, my relaxed attitude about homosexuality has expanded. I'm now at ease with all expressions of it, from the most macho S & M leather dudes to the most effeminate girlie 'girls'. Homosexuality doesn't bother me. And why should it? It's part of who I am.

Now I'm wondering if I'm too comfortable with my sexuality. Here's why:

About six weeks ago my wife and I had the most detailed conversation yet about our future. I found it quite revealing, a little stunning, and an important lesson for myself and other married men who contemplate coming out.

What prompted our long conversation was my improved physique. (Yes, this is me.)

She's been really, really pissed that I've been putting a lot more effort into looking good. She says it's a clear signal that I am about to toss her aside.

As we got into my motivations, she suddenly erupted, "I just wish you'd move to San Francisco! I see what's happening to you. I've seen this before, I know what happens!"

What she was referring to was one of her good friends from college who came out in his mid-thirties. After coming out, his personality dramatically changed. He's not quite Nathan Lane in the "Birdcage" yet, but he's close.

She continued, "I don't know how you could think of doing this to the kids. Oh my God! The humiliation! EVERYONE will talk about us. ALL the kids' friends. The kids will never be the same!"

At the time, I told her she was being ridiculous. I had no intention of doing anything to embarrass or humiliate anyone. I found her reaction to be shocking and over the top. I dismissed her fears as being grossly exaggerated.

But the next day I started to think more about what she said. Maybe her fears are extreme, but maybe she's not entirely wrong either.

Yes, in many ways the world has caught up to my views about homosexuality - that it's no big deal. But just because I'm very comfortable in my own skin and just because I live in a very liberal place, that doesn't mean I should disregard my wife's fears.

Fear is a very powerful emotion and even when it's irrational, it's something that should be taken seriously.

What I'm thinking is that even if my wife is completely paranoid, I would be smart to pay attention to her worries. Ignoring her or dismissing her could come back to bite me in the ass, in a few different ways. I'm thinking that if (or when) I come out, it's something that we should plan together. Yes, this is my coming out but it dramatically affects her and the kids and how they feel about themselves. Abstract homosexuality may be no big deal but when it's your husband or your father, maybe it is.

I think when the typical married closeted man reaches the point where he's ready to publicly come out, he just want to get it over with. Or, he at least wants control over how it happens. When you're married and a parent you undoubtedly ask yourself how can you minimize the impact of your announcement on your family. But do most guys let their wife and kids decide when and how to come out? Probably not.

Some of you may think I'm crazy for considering giving my wife a major say in how my potential coming out is handled. To that I'd say, don't worry, I'm not giving her carte blanche authority. I should also point out that I'm so blase' about my sexuality that it doesn't make much difference to me if or how I come out anyway. Since I don't care that much and she cares a lot, why not try to do as she asks?

It seems to be that, ultimately, it doesn't matter much who you tell or what you tell them or who you tell first. If people like you and they don't like something they've heard, they'll give you the chance to clear your name. If people don't like you or are ambivalent, why knock yourself out worrying about their opinion of you?

I know that I'll be fine no matter what happens. I'm very confident about the kids too. So, if my wife wants me to be the flaming asshole bad guy, why shouldn't I let her have her way?

Thoughts?

Sex Every Third Day

2011-06-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

Trojan, the condom manufacturer, sponsors a research company to conduct a sex survey every year. Appropriately enough, the survey is called the Trojan® U.S. SEX CENSUS.

The survey makes headlines each time it's published because it ranks various cities according to their sexual practices. For example, one recent headline was, "San Francisco Loses, Houston Wins in Trojan Sex Survey."

I found one data point in the survey to be very personally disturbing. But before I get to that datum, I thought I should share some of the dubious details of how the survey was conducted.

We all know that statistics can be twisted to say just about anything and that surveys are a common tool used to create misleading statistics. By carefully wording a question, or by asking a leading question first, you can influence people to answer a certain way. For example, 'Do you approve of President Obama's authorization to kill Osama Bin Laden?' followed by 'Do you approve of President Obama's performance as Commander-in-Chief?' versus 'Do you approve of the US government's deficit spending?' followed by 'Do you approve of President Obama's performance as US President?'

I can't comment about the exact questions used in the Trojan survey because they were not publicly disclosed. But this is what we do know about how the survey was conducted: "The Sex Census presented by Trojan® condoms is based on two studies conducted by StrategyOne [a public opinion research company] from March 15-21, 2011. The first, a national sample of 1,000 10-minute surveys were conducted online among U.S. Adults 18+. The results are nationally representative based on the U.S. Census indicators. With 95% confidence, the margin of error is +/- 3.1%. The data was weighted to ensure that the sample's composition reflects that of the actual U.S. population according to U.S. Census figures. The second is a study conducted online in ten major U.S. cities among Adults 18+. The cities are: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston, San Francisco, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Washington D.C. Atlanta, and Houston. A total of 2,000 10-minute surveys were conducted. Sample size of 200 per city. With 95% confidence, the margins of error within each individual city is +/- 2.2%."

I'm no statistician but it seems to me that 200 people per city isn't much of a sample size. +/- 2.2% per city? Really? I'm skeptical.

The part of the methodology that most interests me is that "The results are nationally representative based on the U.S. Census indicators." I'm skeptical that nearly 40 women who are at least 75 years old took a ten minute on-line Trojan sex survey. They're only 4% of the sample group, but still, are the results truly representative of the actual U.S. population? It seems to me that there would be many more 20-somethings who would spend time on a ten minute Trojan sex survey than any other demographic. And doesn't the fact that it's a Trojan sex survey bias the results??

Anyway...the reason I'm bitching is because I don't like the primary result. According to the survey, the average American has sex 120 times per year.

120?!!!! Are you kidding me???! Once every three days?!!

Wow. At this point, I'd be thrilled to get laid once a month. I literally can't imagine having sex with my wife every third day, week in and week out, all year long. The whole idea blows my mind.

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized...I'm 18 + 26...that means for the last 26 years I should have been having sex more than twice a week...but actually...I don't think I've ever had that much sex for more than a continuous month or two! Even when I add in my encounters with men and my FWBs, yes there were months when I had sex more than twice a week. But a whole year? Maybe one.

As I've thought about what I can do to make my marriage work I've wondered how much sex is enough. I'd be happy with once a month. My wife? I don't even know. I get conflicting opinions from her. She's been complaining that we didn't have sex often enough in our pre-Charlie years and yet now she says she's not really interested in me or Charlie or hardly anyone else. Of course it doesn't matter how much sex other couples are having, all that matters is that we're happy. But I'll say this...if a "normal" heterosexual woman wants to have sex every three days then I could never be married to a "normal" heterosexual woman. Three or maybe four times a month would be fun. Seven or eight times a month would be a stretch. But ten times a month, every month? I literally couldn't do it.

Now...what if I flip the question around? What if I had a male partner? Sex every three days, no matter what? No problem! That would be effortless...

Yes, I'm gay and I'd be happy to have regular straight sex with my wife - but not too much of it. The good news is that, although my low level of straight desire might make me incompatible with many women, I don't see it as much of an issue for my wife.

Mostly, the Trojan survey makes me feel like a big loser. Not just because the average person is having way more sex than me (not a surprise) but because even if I desperately wanted to be straight I couldn't do it.

One of the most common observations from straight wives after their husband comes out is that they knew something was wrong in the bedroom. Sometimes their husband can't perform, sometimes he doesn't seem very into it, sometimes he's robotic or "not present."

All of this makes me wonder what would happen if more women took the Trojan survey very seriously. We closeted men think we're so clever. No one would ever guess we're not straight. Right? Um, sure...until we have to actually perform like a straight man on a consistent basis.

I'm curious...especially about men who identify as bisexual...do you have sex with your female partner an average of 120 times a year? If not, could you consistently perform at that level? What if you only had sex with men? Would that be any different and if so, would it be a lot, somewhat, or a little easier or more difficult compared to women?

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the ability to consistently perform may be the best indicator of one's true sexuality. Thoughts?

Like No Other Gay?

2011-06-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

There are certain events that seem to pre-sage a mid-life crisis for bi and married or gay and married bloggers. Most of these bloggers:

+ Grew up ignorant of or chose to ignore their same sex attraction in adolescence and early adulthood

+ Married at a young age and did not believe that they might be bi or gay at the time they married.

+ Have been married for about 20 years

+ Have kids

+ Have lived for years with either a weak or non-existent marital sex life

+ Are now in their 40s

+ Struggled for years before finally accepting their sexuality

(They're also almost all white, educated upper-middle class Americans. But those particular demographic similarities aren't relevant to this post.)

I fit the above description in many ways. And I suspect that my many similarities have caused some readers to assume that I'm just like everyone else. I'm not.

Unlike many others I have not lead a life of denial or repression. Nor did I wake up at 40, realize that I'm gay, and feel that I've been living the wrong life for decades.

Here are the fundamentally different ways my life has transpired thus far:

+ I came out to myself at 13 and fully accepted myself as gay at 15. I have never felt sexually repressed.

+ I have been out to my wife for almost 19 years.

+ When I came out in 1992, we split up. We both assumed our marriage was over. I had a boyfriend, she moved out, she told her parents and her sister. End of story. Usually.

My boyfriend was awesome. We clicked, he was supportive, we enjoyed spending time together. I had visions of us eventually moving in together. But despite all of the good stuff that happened between him and me, I never lost the connection to my wife. As the weeks of our separation passed, I found that I missed her more and more.

We got back together when *I* decided I wanted to be with her. My boyfriend remained perfect throughout and when I broke the news to him he was as kind and supportive as always.

+ I had my first gay relationship at 17. I had another at 26 (the boyfriend upon coming out) and I had three long-term friends with benefits situations in my late 20s and early 30s, including one that lasted seven years. I also had my fair share of hook-ups between the ages of 19 and 35. In addition, I've lived near San Francisco for most of my life.

All of my experience with men means that I am no stranger to gay life. I get it. I know what I like and I know what I don't like.

+ Most importantly of all, about nine years ago I realized that the emptiness I had felt my entire life, the emptiness that could only be temporarily sated by spending intimate time with another man, was never going to be permanently filled. This realization gave me the freedom to let go of the need to be with a man. I have no desire to hook-up and I don't daydream very often about what life with a man would be like. I've realized that I don't need a man to complete me. The inner voice that taunted me since puberty has been silent for nearly a decade.

What all of this means is, I see my marriage very differently than most other bi and married or gay and married bloggers do. Essentially I had my mid-life crisis at 26. Just as others are doing now, I had a permanent split and I started a new life. What is different is that I found that my desire to be with my wife trumped my desire to be single and free. That's ironic because it was an ideal time to split up. We were young and we had no kids. I had no reason to stay, other than my sincere desire to be with her.

I have taken a lot of well-intentioned criticism lately because I seem to be endlessly circling. You know, bitchin' but not really going anywhere.

Uncutplus has said he's stopped reading because I'm inept and incapable of making a decision.

Rob says that without a catalyst to leave I'll stay with the status quo.

Jim says that I need to accept the fact that because I'm gay I can "never be successfully married to a straight woman", and, I need to accept the fact that "things are probably never going back to what they were."

Well, my dirty little secret is that my mid-life crisis showed me that I can be genuinely happy as a gay man married to a straight woman.

My wife is a billion miles from perfect. I know all her flaws. But I've never met anyone like her and I can't imagine that I ever will. She fills me up in a way that makes me feel as whole as I've ever felt. No, I'm not complete, but I don't think I ever will be. Our bond is strong and our connection is real. She is a straight woman and I am a gay man. I realize it is possible that such a combination could be doomed to certain failure, but given all that I know and all that I have experienced, I owe it to myself, to her and to our children to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.

If we are doomed to failure, I can accept it. I'm not afraid of a failed marriage. I have sincerely tried to make it work. Similarly, I'm not afraid of living as a single, gay man. I can be happy no matter what the outcome is. My responsibility is to give her every opportunity to make our marriage work. It's the right thing to do.

The endless circling and the inability to make a decision is not me, it's my wife. She is enough for me, I know that. But this is her mid-life crisis and she has serious doubts as to whether I am enough for her. I understand why. This is an important decision and it's hers to make, not mine.

Gabbie is a decisive person. She will not circle endlessly. She's pretty much made up her mind that she will never be satisfied with me, so I don't think this purgatory will continue much longer. But, however long it takes, that's how long is needed. Until she is certain about what she wants, I can be patient.

The Gay Sex 'Ewww' Factor

2011-06-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

My wife and I recently had an in-depth conversation about making our marriage work, or not.

What I have consistently wanted is a "normal" straight marriage. You'd think that a 44 year old woman with three kids would be pleased to keep her husband around. Especially one who earns a respectable living and does the majority of the work around the house and with the kids. But no.

Charlie, my wife's loser boyfriend, is not the problem. Yes, she's in love with him but even if she wasn't, she says she still wouldn't be interested in me. Why? The gay sex 'ewww' factor.

My wife has always been something of a fag-hag. We met at 20 and prior to me she'd had three boyfriends. Two of them were gay. Now she tells me that she thinks a few of her high school prom dates were gay too.

One of my wife's best friends when I met her was Dante. Dante was, of course, gay. He and my wife frequently went out clubbing all night in San Francisco. It didn't matter what kind of club they went to, as long as it had good music. Gay clubs, straight clubs, mixed clubs, she didn't care. They just had fun hanging out together and being wild.

Early in our marriage, Dante and his boyfriend Mark were our best 'couple' friends. We used to see them weekly to watch "Melrose Place" together. It was with Dante and Mark that we went on our first cruise together. That was 18 years ago; it was also post-disclosure and post-separation. Gabbie was pregnant with our first kid at the time.

In more recent years, two of Gabbie's very best friends from college have come out. One of those friends, Kyle, and his boyfriend David, are one of our best couple friends now. In fact, this coming weekend the four of us will be spending the day together eating, drinking, hiking and driving up the coast.

I could go on and on about all of the gay friends my wife has or had. She's had a few lesbian friends too. One of which made a very serious play for her a few years ago. But I think I've made the point - my wife is about as gay friendly as a straight woman could be.

But she has her limits.

From my point of view, she's known that I'm gay for 18 years. We've had plenty of sex. We've had a good, supportive relationship. We're middle aged and we're raising three teenagers. What's the big deal about staying together?

The gay sex 'ewww' factor.

The 'ewww' factor is how my wife describes what she feels when she thinks about (and she tries NOT to think about it) gay sex. "Two men putting their you-know-whats into each other's butts? Ewww."

My wife assumes that I've had sex with men. She asked me, years ago, if I ever had and I lied and said no. But she's made many rhetorical accusations over the years since then. Things like, "I don't even want to think about what you do at your office" or "I called you at work but you didn't answer. How come you weren't there like you're supposed to be?" She's made plenty of insinuations but she hasn't asked me directly. Perhaps because she's afraid that I might someday be honest.

The fact that she doesn't know for certain that I've put my you-know-what into a man's butt and vice versa has not stopped her from being affected by the 'ewww' factor. The mere idea that I might have done that or that I might do that at some time in the future - that's enough. The 'ewww' factor is so powerful that she seldom makes any effort to touch me. Just this morning she said goodbye as she left for work. I didn't get a kiss (and I haven't for a long time), instead I got two quick punches to my right shoulder. Gee thanks.

Asking anyone to get over their instinctive 'ewww' reaction to anything is not easy. I don't like blood and guts movies. I have no desire to see them and no desire to feel better about seeing them. Yes, I know that if I saturated myself in them I would become desensitized and they'd bother me less. But I don't want to do that. I *like* that I don't like blood and guts spilled all over the movie screen. I don't want to change how I feel.

And that leaves me wondering...is that how my wife feels too? Does she *like* that gay sex grosses her out and is she completely unwilling to be desensitized to it?

It's not something we've talked about in detail. But I get the feeling that she finds the 'ewww' factor an immovable roadblock. What's weird to me is...why haven't I heard this before after we've been together for nearly 25 years???

I haven't asked her that question. It's pointless to ask.

One question she did answer that I never asked was, "How can you be grossed out by gay sex yet have so many gay friends?" Her answer: "I try to never think about it. As much as I like Kyle and David...the whole idea of them...well, ewwwww...I can't even talk about it."

***

As a post script to this entry, here is a brief update as to where we are:

After desperately wanting to bash my face in about two weeks ago, Gabbie asked that I back off for a while, and I have. I think we've entered an extended period of silence about our future together. She's in that phase were she's mentally preparing herself for a decision and she just needs to be left alone so that she can adjust to what that decision means for her. I see that she is thinking and I know her well enough to know that I must leave her alone.

When she's ready to talk, I'm pretty sure that she's going to tell me that our differences are irreconcilable. That will be her final decision and I will accept it as such. It's as Austin said it was in January: staying together is like trying to make a shoe fit that never will.

I don't feel bad that I haven't made any progress since January. Actually, there has been a lot of progress - within our heads. Instead of feeling connected and saying that we're separated, we've revisited the whole situation and are about to come to a clear, shared decision. The whole process of doing this the right way makes me feel so much better about myself and the decision. If my wife decides that we can't reconcile then I will know that I have tried everything I could.

If staying together is not going to happen, at least I will have closure - and that will be a very good thing.

My Wife

2011-06-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

"So, you're forcing her to make a choice between having a committed, monogamous, sexual relationship with a man who will do anything she wants and who would rather be with her than anyone else in the world and a sexless relationship with an unemployed, alcoholic rapist who also happens to be an illegal alien?"

What an awesome comment! Thank you Mr (or Ms) Anonymous for summarizing my situation so succinctly. I'm certainly not going to argue with what you've said. But my wife would.

In her opinion, the above comment is all wrong. For her it's not a question of me vs. the unemployed, alcoholic rapist Charlie. The problem is me. With all my flaws and all my short-comings, she's just not that into me. And she's not sure she could ever be into me again.

Maybe this will explain why she has big doubts...

With only two days left in our vacation, I was pretty pleased with myself. Earlier in the week I had stood my ground and turned a big fight into an apology from my wife. Then, I got her to admit that she wished we weren't separated. Then, and best of all, I convinced her that we should see a marriage counselor. With all that accomplished in the space of a few days, I was giving myself endless pats on the back. Good job Cameron!

But then good fortune turned on me, quite literally.

Gabbie was slow to get ready that day so for the first time all week I spent a few dollars in the casino. Well, ok, I actually lost $300. Gabbie was not at all pleased.

When I told her, her reaction was very subdued. All she did was ask in a very exasperated voice, "How could you?!!!"

Nothing else especially noteworthy happened that day, but believe me, that $300 hung over her like a very dark cloud.

The next day was traveling day; twelve hours from the ship back to home. It ended up being quite a long day, filled with mistakes.

Mistake #1: We did one activity in Miami that ended at noon. Our plane was scheduled to depart from Ft Lauderdale at 6pm. My wife was annoyed that the "whole day" was wasted. Why couldn't we catch an earlier flight?

Mistake #2: Because we had six hours to wait, I didn't see any reason to rush to the airport. Instead of paying $75 for a 35 minute cab ride, I thought it would be more interesting (and yes, cheaper too) to take public transit.

Ok, so what if took us three hours to get there? We got to see a lot of locals on our four different train and bus rides.

Gabbie didn't find the locals nearly as interesting as I did. And although she didn't look very happy throughout our journey, she didn't complain either.

Mistake #3: The plane ride was six hours. An hour before landing Gabbie decided she was very hungry and wanted to spend $7 for cheese and crackers. I told her, "Don't do that! Just wait an hour and we can stop on the way home and you can get something you really want."

Gabbie didn't especially want to wait but she didn't fight me about it either.

Mistake #4: The easiest way for us to travel from home to the airport is to take a bus. It's $20 per person each way, $80 total for the two of us, round trip. For $21 I can drive us there, park in a residential neighborhood, and take public transit a short distance to the airport. The only downside of my "cheat" is that it takes about 40 minutes to travel from the parked car to the airport and vice versa. I do that part alone because Gabbie would rather sit with the luggage in the terminal.

We arrived on-time, at 9pm. I got to where the car was parked at about 9:50. But something was very wrong.

No car.

When you know where you've parked your car and you go back to that exact location and the car is not there, there are only two possible explanations: either the car was stolen or it was towed.

I tried calling the non-emergency number for the local police but all I got was a message. What to do?

I decided that even if the car had been towed it was too late to deal with it. Gabbie was too tired and hungry; she just wanted to get home.

I called her to let her know that I'd be back at the terminal in 40 minutes and that we'd have to take the bus home. She was shocked and distressed; mostly she was worried about the car.

We got home at 11:45. Gabbie was too tired to eat so she went to bed hungry.

The next morning I called the police, and yes, the car had been towed. It had been left sitting for too long.

Gabbie was not pleased.

But I had even worse news for her: as the only registered owner of the car, she was the only person who could get the car released.

That was the last straw.

Gabbie had been annoyed with me for two days and had barely complained that whole time. But as soon as she found out that she was going to have to spend four hours claiming my car, on a day when she already had plans with friends and with Charlie, she went ballistic.

"You ruin everything. You ruin every vacation. You're so cheap. You're such an ass. How dare you tell me when I can eat? How dare you tell me that you'll do anything for me when you treat me like dirt? Do you know anyone who travels like we do? Do you know anyone who's had their car towed because they were too cheap to take the bus to the airport? Do you know anyone that drags their luggage on four different trains and buses to get to an airport because they won't pay for a cab ride? How can you tell me that you value me when you so obviously don't care how I feel!"

I got what I deserved, I guess.

It took three hours of driving and waiting to get the car released and throughout that time Gabbie raged. After nearly 25 years together I thought I had seen everything. But no, I had never seen her that angry. She literally shook with rage the entire time. You know, hands tightly clenched, teeth grinding, face flushed and with a look her in eyes that said, "I want to smash your smug face and keep beating you until I've hurt you as badly as you've hurt me."

$116 for the parking ticket. $240 for the tow. $120 for the weekend pick-up. $75 for one day's storage (after sitting for seven full days the car was towed only 6 hours before I arrived to drive it away.) All told, I had cost us $851 in two days with nothing to show for it. Well, nothing other than a wife seething with fury.

The grand finale of the day was the ten minutes we spent together waiting for the car to be delivered. We had just learned about the $435 in tow company fees. Gabbie said to me, "Do you have any idea how mad I am at you? I have never been this mad at anyone in my entire life. Do you see the steam coming out of my ears? Well, I'll tell you this: I hope you do this kind of shit to whoever ends up with you next. Or maybe you'll find someone just like you - someone who thinks he knows it all but is really just a fucking, cheap asshole!!"

That ended all conversation between us for more than a day. The car was released and we each drove a car home. Only Gabbie didn't come home. She already had big plans for the day. Plans with her friends, plans with Charlie. Even if she didn't have plans, the very last thing she wanted to do was to spend another minute with me.

I spent the day catching up on things, like blog posts, and I hung out with the kids. The whole time I was wondering what to make of our week together. She said she didn't want to be separated and she agreed to go to counseling. But her last words expressed a whole new attitude, whoever ends up with you next. Did I cross the line with her and now she's done with me?

I don't have any answers. I don't know what she's thinking right now. All I can say is that I will bring up counseling again, but I have to tread lightly for a while.

***

Late in the afternoon of my first day back at work, as I was thinking about what had happened and what I should do, I realized something important. Yes, my wife was pissed off about all the stupid and inconsiderate things I had done, and she was right to be angry and disappointed, but her anger was so much worse than anything I had ever seen before. Was $850 worth that much anger? Or was she really venting about something else?

Ding, ding, ding. It all clicked.

I realized that as pissed as she was, her extreme anger was coming from somewhere deep within.

What is she so pissed about?

That I'm gay. And actually, she's not merely pissed, she's enraged.

Straight wives become bitter because they feel betrayed and used. This is how my wife feels. She's no saint and she'll readily admit that, but my admission is a monumental betrayal her in mind. I understand why she feels betrayed but I don't understand the intensity of her fury. Even with all my flaws, I've been completely dedicated to her and every effort I've made has been sincere. I just don't get it.

But it is what it is.

***

This is a long entry already but I'm going to add a little sunshine here at the end.

My wife has been best friends with Linda since high school. Linda is a good-looking, fun, outgoing "girl." But OMFG is she a mess. She's 44, single with a three year old, works for daddy for maybe 25 hours a week, and basically, can't cope with any responsibility or stress. Her mommy has bailed her out of every problem she's ever had.

Well, her mommy has been pushing Linda to marry the father of her child. The two of them have had this on-again-off-again thing for about 5 years now. Finally last September Linda proposed to him, he accepted, and Linda has been planning a ridiculously huge wedding ever since. But the problem is that Linda and her would-be-husband Stan really don't get along. If they hadn't had their "oops-baby" they would have broken up long ago. In recent weeks, Linda has been having seconds thoughts about marrying and last week she actually canceled the wedding.

My wife was giving me the latest Linda-story yesterday and at the end of it she said, "I think Stan really needs to grow some balls. After all these years and all this back and forth he should say to Linda, 'Either be with me, or don't.' I mean it's ridiculous, what's been going on."

I could not stifle my huge smile.

Grinning like the Cheshire Cat I said, "Oh really? Is that what Stan should do? Get some balls and say, 'Either be with me or don't?'"

My wife looked at me funny for a second, then she got it. "You're not funny Cameron. And don't try to start any shit with me today. Just leave me alone for awhile."

"Ok, I will. But I am definitely going to remember your advice for Stan. I like it. 'Either be with me or don't.'"

She gave me a dirty look.

You can be certain that I will be reminding Gabbie about her advice for Stan very soon.

Ultimatum Update

2011-05-31T18:05:00.000-07:00

I had an eventful week while on vacation.

Here are the significant highs and lows, in chronological order:

+ My wife and I had a major fight and didn't speak for nearly 24 hours.

+ My wife told me she didn't want to be separated from me.

+ My wife agreed we should go to therapy.

+ My wife was so enraged at me that she literally shook with anger for hours.

+ We have barely spoken in the last 24 hours.

Before I get to the details, I feel like I need to do a short recap because of a comment RB made. He said he was confused. He thought I was looking for an exit strategy yet now I've said I'm willing to go to sex therapy to win her back. Because Rob is a smart (and sexy!) guy, I figure he's not the only one who is confused. So, let me explain.

Although I'm gay I feel like I'd be happiest if I kept my marriage intact. But I want a real marriage, one with mutual monogamous commitment. When my wife and I agreed to separate in January, she had it in her head that I was doing so to relieve her of the tremendous guilt she felt because of her romantic relationship with her boyfriend Charlie. Actually, I was agreeing that we should separate because she wouldn't commit to me and I wanted to feel free to start dating men.

Because she recently realized that she was mistaken about my intentions, the whole question of whether she'd be willing to commit to me has come into play again. The possibility that I could meet a man, leave her and run off with him has always been one of her biggest fears. Now that it's a real possibility, she's rethinking whether she wants to let me go or not. It's a complicated situation and not an easy decision for her.

Our week alone together on vacation was the perfect opportunity for me to show her that I am willing to do just about anything to stay with her. In fact, I am so motivated that she could make a list of a hundred things that she wants from me and I would happily oblige. In return I want just two things: total commitment from her and for Charlie to permanently disappear.

It is very important that I do and say everything possible to try to make our marriage work. I have no desire to turn my back on her. So...if she wants me or us to go to sex therapy, I'll go. If she wants me to paint my toenails green and shave my head, I'll do it. Whatever it takes.

With that said, and for as much as I'm willing to dig deep and try anything, I'm also prepared to give up if it becomes clear that she can't (or won't) offer me the exclusive commitment I want. Should that happen, then I will start dating men. And this time I'll be much more motivated.

Now, as for what happened last week...it was a roller coaster ride, largely because of my actions.

We had two good days together but on the third day we made a huge mistake and rented a scooter for the day. Putt-putting along on that thing in the blazing heat was a miserable experience. The end of the day was the very worst because it was late and there were a ton of cars, other scooters and pedestrians to negotiate. The almost final straw for Gabbie was when I got us lost in a seedy-looking neighborhood. And the final, final straw was when we were nearly run down by some asshole in a delivery truck.

When we finally made it back to our starting point and returned the scooter, we both breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was glad the experience was over and I assumed that we'd focus on the night ahead. Instead, Gabbie laid into me big time. She went into a thirty minute tirade about the whole day, my ineptitude (driving, getting us lost, being cheap) and how I "ruin everything." In the past I would have done my version of "yes dear, whatever you say dear." But in this case I felt her criticisms were very unfair. I had given her plenty of suggestions for things to do that day and the scooter was what she chose. It wasn't my fault that she assumed that I wanted to do it because of the low cost. As I told her, I would have opted for a much more expensive taxi tour. But she refused to accept any responsibility for her decision and that sent me over the edge. When her tirade ended, I fired back and finished with the sentence, "I will never, EVER travel alone with you again!" I meant what I said and she knew it.

We didn't speak for the next 22 hours. I did my best not to be miserable but it wasn't easy. I was on a cruise ship filled with many young, happy couples. Many of them were busy cooing into each other's ears, or if not that, then holding hands or gazing into each other's eyes. Young, naive love! I thought. How many of you will be happy to be together in 20 years?

I guess I'm a crusty old cynic now.

The silence between my wife and I was broken when she apologized to me, which is something that almost never happens. She also confessed to being very hurt when I told her that we would never travel alone again. But best of all was when she said that she didn't want us to be separated.

That night and the next two days were really good. I felt like my plan to strengthen our bond before pushing her to make a decision was working perfectly. On Thursday night I decided to make my move.

I have to go back in time and explain that when we first arrived, our room was set-up with two twin beds. It was odd to see that happen and it wasn't something either of us had requested. Gabbie said at the time, "Let's leave them as they are but maybe we can push them together later in the week." That made me happy. In fact, I did the "I'm going to get laid" dance in my head and followed that up with a"Haha, fuck YOU Charlie" mental middle finger.

Back to our night after two good days together...Gabbie was happy and had a few drinks in her, so at lights-out I snuck over to her bed and started to warm her up. We haven't had sex since October, which was our last trip alone together. Periodically, when the mood seems right, I've tried to get her interested. Each time I've been rebuffed. Her best line has been, "What do you think you're doing?"

Every time I try, I hold my breath, waiting to hear her response, or hopefully, the lack of one. This time she was silent for nearly a full minute before she spoke up. She said, "We're separated. We're not going to do anything."

There was no sex. Instead, we had a long, detailed conversation about our relationship. I may write a post about some of the things we talked about because they are likely to apply to many mixed orientation marriages. For now, all I need to report is that she said dumping Charlie would be complicated and difficult, but, she'd be willing to go to counseling with me to see if we could work things out. MAJOR SCORE FOR ME!!!!!!

For another day or so, all I could think about was coming home and updating this blog with my big, happy news.

But that all changed after I made a few mistakes and the shit really hit the fan.

More about that in my next post...

The Ultimatum (No really, this time I mean it!)

2011-05-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

In my last personal update I explained how my wife suddenly "got" the fact that I'm gay. I'm still astounded by the depth of her denial, but it is what it is.

As you might expect, my "revelation" has sparked some discussions. Two, actually. In the first one, she said all the things straight wives say to their husbands when they come out. "Our life has been a lie." "You've been hiding behind me." "You're afraid to be who you are." Stuff like that. Honestly, I have no patience for that nonsense. She's known for 18 years! I had my chance to cut and run and I didn't. So, spare me the bullshit. That's basically what I told her.

Earlier this week we had the second conversation. This one was about my appearance. Back in October I started working out regularly for the first time in many years. I was not overweight (5'8", 156) but I wasn't in shape either. I figured that I'd look much better if I lost 10 pounds. I didn't think it was a big deal so I never told my wife that I was working out.

By the end of January I had lost the 10 pounds and I still wasn't satisfied. Also, after plateauing for a while, the weight was coming off pretty easily. I kept up my workout routine and now I've lost almost exactly 20 pounds, I'm 136. That sounds awfully thin, I know, but I have a small frame and small bones.

My wife never noticed my significantly improved body, even when I changed in front of her, until a few days ago. When she saw me half-dressed, she went ape-shit. "This is how it all starts!! Now you're going to be prancing around the Castro with your 25 year old boyfriend!!" And on and on.

Yes, one of the reasons I wanted to get in shape was because looks count for everything in the homoworld. But there was another reason - my father had his first heart attack at 49. I've always known that I had to get serious about being in shape. And I've always known that I'd have to start no later than my mid-40s. So although the possibility of dating was the immediate impetus, I had planned to do this anyway. I explained all of this and more to my wife and she calmed down, somewhat. But when she looks at me now she keeps shaking her head with disapproval.

What she's most upset about is that we're going on a Caribbean cruise together this week. In fact, this is a scheduled post. We're in the Caribbean right now. She's pissed that I look so good and she's afraid she doesn't. She's pissed that I've been spending time working out instead of making more money. Oh well!!!

I also expect that she can't shake her original complaint, which is that I'm moving on. Live with it baby! Actually, I took the opportunity to tell her in a very forceful way that I want to be with her and that I want her loser boyfriend Charlie to permanently disappear. We had some back and forth about that and she appeared to be giving the idea very serious consideration. She asked me if I'd be willing to go to sex therapy and I very enthusiastically replied, "Absolutely!" Then I added, "In fact, I'll do whatever it takes. I haven't sat around and watched this whole thing with Charlie for five years for no reason. If I didn't want to be with you, I would have left a long time ago."

One of the kids came in about then and our conversation ended. Although nothing was resolved I think it was perfect timing to have this conversation before spending a week alone together. She's had some time to consider her options and before we come home I WILL BE demanding an answer. It's me or him, baby.

Some of you may recall that I've given her this ultimatum before. She didn't take me seriously and it turns out that she was right to blow me off. This time, we both know things are different. She could, and probably will, try to avoid the decision and keep our situation status quo. But I'm not going to be complacent this time. I've found at least some of my missing mojo and any answer from her other than "Charlie and I are through" will mean that I will start dating men. And I'll be much more motivated this time.

Because I'm going to force her to make a choice, the big unknown is what she'll decide. Charlie is a complete loser who can barely support himself. I'm her husband of 21 years who does everything he's supposed to do. It seems like an obvious choice, but, we'll see.

Regardless, I have big hopes that I'll finally have some resolution. With all our cards out on the table, there are no more excuses to be made. I hope to be able to post on Sunday May 29th with the news...whatever that may be.

Understanding Closeted Bisexuals

2011-05-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

When a gay or a bisexual man gives me advice about my situation, he most frequently says something like, "Forget about your wife, go find a man."

Others have been more diplomatic. They say, "I hope you find happiness no matter what happens."

Then there is one man who stands alone, Ian. He has essentially told me, "You must pursue any and every option that could result in reconciliation with your wife." I get the feeling that he won't be satisfied until he gets a signed letter from the Pope stating that we are beyond help. (Actually, I wonder if even that would be enough.)

I sometimes get frustrated by Ian's unrelenting focus on reconciliation. He really is tough on me. But, in the end, I greatly respect him. It's not often that a man will stand up and doggedly fight for what he believes, especially when that is contrary to his own lifestyle.

Ian continues to amaze me and something he said recently really got my attention. He said, "Your being gay (if that's what you are) doesn't seem to stop you from being in love with her or wanting to have an exclusive sexual relationship with her."

Wow. Is he saying that I don't know my own sexual identity?

That possibility is somewhat astounding. I mean, I came out to myself at 13 and I've been very comfortable with the gay label (in my own head, at least) since I was 15. I've never wavered when it comes to calling myself gay, even after 20 years of marriage, and even after many years of practicing heterosexual monogamy. When Ian said that I really had to stop and wonder, am I a bisexual in denial??

It didn't take long for the dark clouds of doubt to clear and for my inner voice to reassure me that I haven't been in denial for all these years. I really am gay and not bisexual.

The process of questioning myself made me wonder: why am I so convinced I'm gay? I mean, he's right. I do love my wife and I have had a long-term exclusive sexual relationship with her. More than that, I am willing to give up men completely if she will fully commit to me.

The reason I'm certain I'm gay, is because it all comes down to pursuit.

On the one hand, it's true that if I was single I wouldn't reject a decent looking woman who VERY aggressively pursued me. On the other hand, I know that if I was left on my own I'd make no effort to ever have sex with a woman again - and I wouldn't particularly miss it. Men are an entirely different story. Even if I was sexually monogamous with my wife, I'd still be thinking about hot, sexy men whenever she wasn't around.

I have this feeling that the standard I use to define my sexuality, pursuit, is NOT the standard most "bisexual" men use. And that's what this post is about. I'd like to be enlightened. If you consider yourself to be bisexual, how do you KNOW that label is honest and accurate, especially compared to identifying yourself as gay? I would especially like to hear from men who have regular sex with men and have no or very little sex with women. I keep thinking that that lopsided reality must be difficult to reconcile with a "bisexual" identity.

A related issue that I wonder about, because I never experienced it myself, is the whole transition from straight to bi to gay. It's a cliche that bi is a stepping stone to gay, yet, that seems to be a very common occurrence. I can understand "confused" or "curious" or "uncertain" for a period of time, and maybe that's what "bisexual" means to some men, but it's weird to me that someone's actual sexuality would change several times. Can anyone enlighten me?

As I've pondered these questions about bisexuality, I asked myself to define what *I* think a bisexual is. So here's my opinion: a 'pure' bisexual is someone who literally cannot decide who they'd rather have sex with when offered two equally attractive options of each gender. In that situation, a pure bisexual would be frustrated that they were forced to make a choice. And, faced with two equally attractive specimen, the only way they'd feel comfortable choosing one would be to interact with them. Personality then becomes the deciding factor, not attractiveness, not gender.

I don't think many 'pure' bisexuals exist, but certainly there are some out there. I think the more common self-defined bisexual is someone who prefers sex with one gender but is not opposed to sex with the other. I find this definition to be lacking - it's too theoretical. I mean, I'm not opposed to learning to play a musical instrument, but I don't play one. Does that make me a quasi-musician? No. And the reason is because the possibility is not the reality. They're entirely different. So when someone says they are bisexual but they only pursue one gender I really find that puzzling. Possibility and reality don't match.

If I was going to set criteria for defining one's sexuality I would be very practical about it - I'd make you take a test.

In my test you would be shuttled to a room with 20 very attractive men and 20 very attractive women. Your job would be to choose which person with whom you'd like to have sex with first. Whatever the gender is of the person you choose first, that's your primary. The reason for this is that when all the options are equal you chose a woman over men , or vice versa.

But that's not the end of the test. You have to keep choosing.

I'm not sure where I'd draw the lines between "primarily straight", "bisexual" and "primarily gay." I mean, if you're a man and the first 10 people you choose are all women, that would seem to indicate that you're pretty straight, so 10 seems like enough to be primarily straight. But I wonder if men who choose 10 men first would say that is not enough to define them as primarily gay? It's funny how 'straight' is likely to have a much lower threshold than 'gay.'

In the end I think many people, especially bisexuals, would say that labels don't matter. But here's where hard-core reality smashes arm-chair theory. If labels don't matter and if a married man seldom or never has sex with his wife but he has regular sex with men, why will he absolutely, positively, angrily and vehemently insist he is NOT gay when his wife confronts him about the dozens of incriminating emails she's found? It happens all the time. Labels don't matter and they like sex with both genders (although actions suggest otherwise) but they are unquestionably NOT gay. If labels don't matter wouldn't it be most accurate to say "I CAN be attracted to either but I PREFER men?" But married men won't say that when they're confronted. They say they're bisexual.

I sometimes wonder if accountability causes bisexuality. The logic goes like this: if a married man sincerely believes he is bisexual but he is only having sex with men, then his marriage and his life are not lies. But, the minute he accepts himself as gay, then he becomes accountable for a fucked-up marriage and a fucked-up life. I can see how avoiding that realization would make the bisexual label vastly more appealing.

Finally, I wonder how many men define themselves as bisexual because they have very narrow perceptions of what a gay man is. Limp-wristed? Feminine? Lisps? Wears women's clothes? Calls his male friends 'girlfriend'? There is a logic there. If those sorts of things define 'gay' to you and you are not those things, then how can you be gay? You're not. You're bisexual. It's a flawed logic, but I get it.

Well now I'm starting to ramble. I started this post with the intention of asking a question. But I see I have attempted to answer my own question. I guess what I should do is wait for a few bisexual men to set me 'straight'.

Is bisexuality about pursuit or theoretical sexual connections? Is the term 'bisexual' so loosely defined that it's easy to claim as your identity no matter what you do? How many bisexuals choose that definition because they think that being gay would require a major lifestyle change? And how many man are bisexuals simply because they don't see themselves as 'gay'?

Let me know your opinions and educate me, please.

Web Links for Married Men on the Down Low

2011-05-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ever hear of the phrase 'misery loves company?'

It means that as much as it sucks to be miserable, it really sucks to be miserable AND alone. Therefore, if you can't avoid being unhappy, then feel free to cheer yourself up a little by spreading your misery to the people around you.

Bad day at work? Kick the dog when you get home.

Deep down, I believe that most closeted bi and gay married men are unhappy. The conflict we feel between what we want versus what our life is...it's a lose-lose situation. We cannot please the people we care about most and we cannot please ourselves. All we can do is manage the situation and try to maintain some sense of balance so that we don't turn into miserable SOBs.

We think we are so kind, so manly, because we shelter our family from our internal conflict. They don't know the baggage we carry and they're better off because of it.

Likewise, we think we have completely hidden ourselves -- only we haven't.

We are who we are and we leave clues to our state of mind all the time. Our wives might not know the reason we're stressed and edgy, sad and withdrawn, but they certainly see the effects of it. Most of the time, they're sympathetic too. They want a peaceful, happy household and if we're on edge, more often than not they'll use their extensive knowledge of us to adapt to our moods.

Outside of the home we try to sate our unhappiness by hooking up with men. But those are short-term fixes. Even 'long term' arrangements like fuck buddies and friends with benefits don't seem to last very long, especially when compared to the relationship with our wives.

Sex with men is not like life with our wives. One is fleeting and the other is enduring. We don't think about it often enough, but our wives are our best company as we struggle to maintain the balance between our secret life and our real life.

By staying with them we think we're being good to them, that we're providing for them and protecting them. We might be right about that. But there's a huge, gaping flaw in our logic: we never ask them what they want.

Would a wife want to be married to a man who secretly has sex with other men?

When we pat ourselves on the back for our chivalry, for our kindness, or for our ability to keep our lives balanced, we're only fooling ourselves. Unless and until we give our wives the opportunity to decide for themselves if they would like to walk this path with us, our self-congratulatory thoughts are nothing more than delusional rationalizations.

We can't change our sexuality. We can't change the fact that we married someone and have a long history together. Most of us probably can't change the fact that we NEED to meet men for sex. But we can, at least, be honest with ourselves. The 'protection' we think we're giving our wives is a lie. If we truly wanted to protect them we'd give them the opportunity to choose to stand with us, or not. But we don't WANT to give them a choice. Instead we want to keep them locked into their commitment to us so that we're not alone. All because...misery loves company.

Had a bad day at work today? Go home and kick the dog.

Had sex with a man today? Go home and kiss your wife.
---------------------

I could only write a post like this if I had lived the life of denial I describe.

By denial I don't mean my sexuality, I mean my sincere belief that keeping my hook-ups hidden from my wife was for her own good.

Wrong. Keeping them hidden was for MY own good.

I told myself how much I loved my wife, but I certainly didn't act that way. Love isn't keeping someone in a prison and taking away their choices in life. I never challenged myself or questioned my motivations. But now that I have put myself into her shoes, I understand.

I asked above, "Would a wife want to be married to a man who secretly has sex with other men?"

You might be shocked to know that many, if not MOST wives will accept such a marriage. They have their reasons and they're willing to make compromises to keep what they have. So, don't assume that giving your wife the freedom to run or stay will automatically mean that she'll run.

Here is a comprehensive list of on-line resources for men who are out, or thinking of coming out, to their wives:

Spouse Support Mailing List for Mixed Orientation Relationships (SSML-MOR)
A mailing list for heterosexual spouses and/or gay, lesbian or bisexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages. The spouses on this list are trying to work through relationship problems after the coming out of the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse. The goal is constructive resolution of problems so that a positive relationship can be maintained or restored.

To subscribe to ssml:
Send a blank email message to ssml-subscribe@lists.ssml-mor.org
Note: Due to AOL security policies, we do not subscribe AOL email addresses;
Likewise do to recent changes at Yahoo, we do not subscribe Yahoo email addresses either; please get a gmail, Hotmail, or similar type address before subscribing.

Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage (MMOM)
MMOM is a support group for either or both members of a mixed orientation marriage or relationship working to remain monogamous..."Monogamous" means that the partners are sexually exclusive with each other.

To subscribe to MMOM:
Send a blank email message to mmom- subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit the web page at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mmom/

Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW)
This group has been created for those who are in mixed orientation marriages. Straight spouses who are married to gays or bisexuals and also the married gays and bisexuals themselves. This is a support group only. A place where we can get together and discuss ways we make our marriages work in a positive way.

To subscribe to MMOMW:
Send a blank email message to mmomw-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit the web page at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/

Spouses Out To Their Spouses (SOTTS)
SOTTS is an Internet mailing list for bisexual, gay, or lesbian partners in mixed orientation relationships who are trying to keep their marriages intact and for keeping the relationship positive for those couples who are separating or divorcing. The SOTTS List is not moderated; it is a closed list so that only les/bi/gay spouses will be members. The subscription list is private.

To subscribe to SOTTS:
Send a blank email message to sotts-subscribe@topica.com or visit the web page at http://www.topica.com/lists/sotts

Bisexual Married Men of America (BMMA)
BMMA is an unmoderated email discussion group comprised of bisexual and gay married men. Exchanges are by email. The discussion topics range from the spiritual, to sexual, to issues that all gay or bisexual married men face.

To subscribe to BMMA: Visit the BMMA Website and click on the subscribe link at the top left of the page.

Husbands Out to their Wives (HOW)
HOW is a moderated list that includes bi/gay members who are married, separated, divorced, or in the process of getting a divorce. Most are out to their spouses. Contact frazer.jones@gmail.com for more information.

Married Men's Group
The Group is for men who are, or who have been in relationships with women and who also have sexual feelings for other men. The group is an open, relaxed and highly confidential space that allows men to explore and talk openly and frankly about their feelings and experiences, without being judged or coerced into one particular direction. All volunteers and group members are in, or have been in, relationships with women so can understand and offer mutual support to other men in the same situation as ourselves. Webmaster's note: This group is based out of Manchester, UK.
Visit the web page at http://www.gaymarriedmen.co.uk/gmm/

For Couples Only:
Hope-Understanding-Growth-Support (HUGS)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HUGS_Couples2/

For Married Men on the Down Low

2011-05-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a story, told from a straight wife's point of view.

He came out, said he was bisexual but preferred men more. After several months he said he missed his family (I had given birth to his son while we were separated), and that he was going to change and be only devoted to me and to the kids.

I said, come on back...I was very young, living with my parents, and had no idea what to do, having two tiny children to care for. I believed him.

He put up a good foil, appeared to be taking care of his family and changing his ways. But what was really happening was that he just got better at hiding.

For 16 years, I didn't trust him, and rightly so. He would disappear for long periods of time and always have an excuse. He would be distant.

Then the rejection of me physically and absence of any sort of desire for me wore me down. I would ask him point blank if he was seeing some guy, and he would look me in the eyes and tell me he was done with that.

After a lot of years, I didn't trust him OR believe him. Then I found the gay porn on the computer, and he had an excuse for that too. He went to a counselor "to help get over the guilt of what he did to me all those years ago." It didn't help. I don't even know if he actually went.

There was still the rejection, impotence, and disinterest in sex. I started seeing the glances and eyes meeting with other men when we were at the grocery store. He was late coming home from work many, many times and said he missed the train.

I felt trapped in a sham of a marriage, but he said he wasn't seeing anyone and never would.

He said these lies until he couldn't - a life insurance blood test revealed he had HIV. Even after that, he continued lying for another year. He said that he had gotten the virus from a man he had been with 16 years earlier. Even after I confronted him with the emails on craigslist, he laughed it off and said he never really acted on them, it was just talk.

After he disclosed the HIV, I gave him one last chance, and said I would try sex with a condom, but if I was too fearful I would stop. It became evident that night that he had absolutely no care to protect me from being exposed, and I stopped.

The whole truth came out a year after he disclosed the HIV. I found a secret email address, profiles and naked photos on gay websites, countless requests for hookups near his work and orgies on business trips.

Eventually he told me more of the story - that he had been promiscuous for our entire marriage and that he thought the HIV virus came from a stranger he met on the bus once, but he couldn't be sure.

A year after he left, as part of the divorce proceedings, I was given his financial statements during one month. In that one month alone there were several visits to gay bathhouses, massage parlors, and gay adult stores.

I know for a fact he hates condoms. I know he states he is clean on his gay website profiles. I don't believe his intent is to deliberately spread HIV for any specific purpose. It's more that he doesn't think about anyone but himself, and in so doing, has satisfied his own desires while spreading HIV. He thinks that he'll never see that man again, so who would know it was him?

I still don't think I have the whole story, and I don't want any more.

I suppose there are women who are dedicated enough to sacrifice having their own life for someone who isn't happy being with them, but I honestly haven't seen a lasting mixed orientation marriage ever. When the trust and belief are broken in the relationship, it just doesn't come back.

I have questions for women who suspect their husband is secretly meeting men for sex: What do you want out of your marriage, out of your future? Do you want to have to always question him and then wonder if he told you the truth? Do you want to have to continually wonder if he is being faithful? Do you wonder what he is thinking about when you are intimate with him? Do you feel trapped?

That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. It's hard, so hard. But you are the only one in that relationship who is looking out for you.

Sobering, isn't it?

What My Straight Wife Said

2011-04-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

The proof is in the numbers. This blog gets consistently more page views when I write about straight wives and gay husbands.

I have quite a few more interesting experiences and ideas to share on that topic. I hadn't planned on writing about my straight wife and me, but this little anecdote is worth a few sentences.

-------------------------

Three weeks ago I wrote about Feeling Lost.

In the several months since my wife and I agreed to separate I've had one date. My self-confidence has been so low that I've opted not pursue anyone because I'm afraid that I can't handle being rejected. (Yes I know I'm being ridiculous.)

I've come to suspect that I have a psychological block of some kind. Until a few days ago I hadn't been able to identify the cause, but now I think I've found the problem. Or at least, one of the problems.

The fact that our "separation" is something of a joke has been on my mind. On the one hand, my wife has her boyfriend and she has encouraged me to go on Match.com. On the other hand, we still sleep in the same bed and she still talks about saving for "our" retirement. I've been asking myself, does she understand that we're separated??

I've discovered that my discomfort with my wife's strange attitude is near the target - but still far from the bulls eye.

On Friday, my wife and I again discussed our separation. I told her that I felt like I needed more guilt-free freedom to find a new center for my life since she couldn't be that person.

"What exactly do you want to do?" she asked.

"Well...I don't know..."

"You must have some ideas."

"Not really. I guess I just mean more freedom to date."

"Date who? Do you already have someone in mind?!!"

"No! No, it's not like that."

"Well WHO do you what to date?"

"Who?" I couldn't understand what she was getting at. Then it clicked. "Oh. Men."

"I knew it! I always knew that's what you wanted. You've been gay this whole time! Even when I asked you before we had kids!"

Huh?!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...for reasons that completely boggle my mind...my wife thinks I just came out to her.

To say that I am stunned is a huge understatement.

It seems to me that if my wife had not lost her mind she would recall that I first came out to her 18 years ago. It was a rather memorable event...considering that she moved out and we separated for 10 weeks.

And even after we got back together I was upfront about my homo-ness by letting a few lusty comments slip. My lust-honesty didn't last long, that's true. My first few comments made my dear Gabbie bristle so decided to keep my mouth shut in the future. This means that if I was going to vouch for my wife's sanity I would have to admit that shortly after we reunited I went back into the closet for an extended period of time.

But hello!! It was just this past November that we separated and in that conversation she said to me, "I know you're gay," AND "I've always had a feeling that you wanted a different life." ('different' = wink, wink) AND "I guess on some future Christmas we'll be celebrating with the kids and I'll have my boyfriend and you'll have yours."

Yet NOW she thinks I'm coming out to her?????????

I don't think I will ever be able to understand this. I mean I've been confused about how she spoke about our separation but I never, ever would have guessed that she honestly thought I was straight.

I've been trying to figure out what this revelation means.

One thing that's clear is that I must take a half-step backward. I thought we had both made peace with the fact that she's straight and I'm gay. Apparently not.

As part of my move backward, I repeated the same offer I made to her in November: we can live happily ever after together if she dumps her boyfriend and honestly wants to have a "normal" intimate marriage. She's responded by giving me a tentative "No, I can't do that." But I can see the wheels turning in her head. Maybe she never believed that I would find someone else because she thought I was closeted? Maybe now that I've made it clear that I'm willing to replace her, she's reevaluating whether she's willing to let me go?

For now, I'm off the dating market. I can't proceed until I get a clear, definitive statement from her, wherein she releases me. I have no idea how long that might take. Days? Weeks? Months? We have a one week vacation planned for just the two of us at the end of May. I think it would be awkward if I was actively dating and then we spent 170 hours alone together. My guess is that I won't be able to seriously consider trying to date again until June, at the earliest.

I also don't know for certain whether getting through this hurdle with my wife is going to clear my attitude problem. It might. I still have big concerns about dating men. The more I see, learn and experience about gay dating, the less appealing it becomes.

Regardless, I can't worry about that now. First things first.

Married Men on the Down Low

2011-04-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and many other websites are loaded with married men who are looking for casual sex with other men. "No strings attached." "Safe sex."

If you're bi and married, a down-low hook up every once in a while is a good way to take the edge off, to keep yourself content and well-balanced. If you're careful and safe, it's no big deal, right?

I haven't done anything sexual with a guy in more than eight years. My last NSA hook-up was a few years before that; I'm rusty and out of practice. But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man.

What I never spent much time thinking about was my wife. Honestly, she didn't seem that relevant. Meeting a guy was completely different than being with her. Day and night. Two different worlds that, really, had nothing to do with each other. I felt that as long as I was safe and didn't get caught, no one would be hurt and I'd ultimately be a happier guy and therefore a better husband.

No one keeps statistics, but I'm sure it is literally an every day occurrence that a stunned wife discovers evidence that her husband has been meeting other men for casual sex.

As some wives try to wrap their heads around what they have discovered, they sometimes look to other women who have found themselves in the same situation. As a formerly cheating married man, when I came across the advice these women give to each other, I found it to be absolutely fascinating. Here is one example:

"When I found out quite by accident a couple of months ago, that my husband was concealing his one night stands with gay men, I was wounded to the core. The deception! The lies! The extreme disrespect! The trashing of our family--I so hated him for all of it that I could barely bring myself to look at him.

"At the exact same time, I was (and am) terrified of being alone, not sure how I and our child will survive financially, and, yes have serious doubts about my ability to find and attract a new man. I also now DO look at him and sometimes see the handsome, smart man that had attracted me to begin with more than 2 decades ago.

"BUT--and here is the hopeful part--my anger and resentment at his complete disregard for me, and his almost unbelievably glib pack of lies (that continue to this day) has FUELED ME TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LEVEL--and this can happen to you, too.

"If you have any shred of self respect left, you have some anger in there because you have been deeply disrespected--and you know in your heart that you cannot live with a man who sneaks out for gay sex, lies to you without remorse and cannot give you the love that you need.

"That man that you 'love' has treated you like shit. We wove some dreams around these men that said more about our desire to love, our desire to have a wonderful family, our desire for love and stability than it ever said about the actual person we have been married to.

"I think I have been married to a composite of my own desires and have not seen the self-centered, uncaring person who does not, and cannot love me.

"So, what I am getting to is this--try to look at him objectively--is he a good man, a decent man, someone you can happily partner with, going forward?

"My answer was NO! Picture him meeting up with his gay sex partners, cleaning himself up afterwards and then plopping down at the dinner table with you and your kids.

"CAN YOU REALLY DEAL WITH THIS? SHOULD YOU? IS THIS REALLY LOVE YOU FEEL, OR A COMBINATION OF LOSS, GRIEF AND NEEDINESS?

"If not, save all of that good love for someone who will return it."

As I reflected on this I thought: I've always been a good man, a loving man, a decent man. Of course I love my wife. Surely the husband of this woman is someone far worse than me. Surely what I have done is not nearly as bad as what that man has done.

That's why it was acceptable for me to cheat.

And that's why it's acceptable for others like me to cheat - all those thousands of married men who are logged on to Manhunt and Adam4Adam right now.

It's something to think about.

What Straight Wives Think

2011-04-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

This blog and most of the blogs I have listed on the right are written by gay or bi men who are, or were, married.

For the most part these men represent my social circle. We're a somewhat geographically diverse group but other than that, we're pretty homo(geneous).

A few months ago I wanted some opinions about my situation that came from a different perspective - straight wives. I found an open, anonymous on-line forum mostly populated by such, so I posted about my situation and asked for opinions. Boy did I get some!

Ever since reading those replies I have been fascinated by the straight wife's perspective. Because my wife preferred to pretend I was not gay when I came out to her, she and I never really talked about how she felt. And it's not like there are a lot of blogs written from the straight wife's perspective. Although I am very familiar with the man's point of view, getting an insight into what women really think has been extremely fascinating and very educational.

People and situations are different so I have to be careful here not to over-generalize. I'm sure that the reactions of straight wives to their husbands' coming out run the whole gamut from violent outrage to genuine joy. With that said, here are some common feelings expressed by straight wives I've come to know:

1. One of the biggest reasons married men hesitate to come out to their wives is because they fear being rejected because of their sexuality. I have learned that most intelligent, educated women (i.e., those that take the time to participate in a certain on-line forum) are not nearly so upset about their husband's declaration as they are about the lies that may have proceeded it. Lies are the BIG SIN not being gay or bi.

2. Timing is extremely important, but not necessarily in the way that first comes to mind. When you're in the closet and thinking about coming out, the tendency is to obsess about the exact circumstances as to when you're going to drop the bomb. Yes, exact timing matters. But what's most important to the straight wife is to be told AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The longer the delay, the longer you've lied and the more upset she is likely to be.

3. Closeted husbands tend to obsess about whether they will be rejected and sent packing just hours after coming out. Yes, that does happen, but far more often the straight spouse wants to preserve the marriage. In fact, more often that not, the wife will engage in a whole range of selfless behaviors in an effort to "save" the marriage. How the wife's efforts are received by the husband can have major implications for their future relationship, regardless of whether they stay married or not. Insensitive and selfish behavior on the husband's part soon after coming out is the best way to turn a cordial relationship into a multi-year nightmare.

4. The bi or gay husband's desire to be "understood" is often the most painful part of the coming out conversation for his wife. After keeping his feelings pent up for years, the natural desire is to engage in a few rounds of verbal diarrhea about the misery of being isolated and depressed while in the closet. It's easy to confuse "being honest" with "too much information." Although wives DO want to know where your penis has been, they're only interested in a heavily abridged Reader's Digest version of your suffering. The part of the story they are most interested in is...what does this mean to me????

5. After the initial shock of the news wears off and the wife is left to figure out what she is supposed to do with her life, the very biggest issues for her come down to the husband taking responsibility for his behavior. Stopping the lies is a key part of that but it is only the beginning. Taking responsibility means not blaming others (especially the wife; straight wives don't change our sexuality, they cannot be held responsible for the way we were born), to be man enough to wade through the inevitable shit that happens when the kids, family and friends find out, and to show some genuine compassion for the financial situation in which you leave your wife.

I don't know if others find the straight wife's perspective as interesting as I do. I hope some of you do because I have a few more posts in mind about them and also about remaining married after disclosure.

Feeling Lost

2011-04-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

I have been told, and I believe, that NOTHING is more important when dating than confidence. Good looks and natural charm count for a lot, but confidence is essential.

Most of the time I am a confident person. But, as the weeks have ticked by since my wife and I separated, my dating confidence has been in a downward spiral. More and more, I feel completely lost.

I didn't start out this way. Yes, I had some concerns about my age and living situation, but there are a lot of fish in the ocean. I never had a problem meeting men in the past so I thought it was reasonable to expect one or two decent dates a month. But reality has hit home. I've had just one date (that wasn't anything like a date) in two months.

Although I'm disappointed to be doing so poorly, my bigger problem is that I don't know how to repair my confidence. That's why I feel lost.

Sometimes I think if I had just one modestly positive experience, it would do wonders for me. But everything I've tried so far has been a failure and my complete lack of success makes me more and more reluctant to make any effort at all.

Every day I try to motivate myself. The options run through my head: be more aggressive on dating sites, find more ways to meet people in person, focus on making friends. Every day I postpone or reject any action plan that pops into my head.

It dawned on me the other day that my last two posts about my "urban hipster" said far more about me than him. That realization has forced me to wonder if I have some kind of psychological block that is holding me back.

I also wonder if my expectations are too high. Maybe I'm older and/or more unattractive than I think I am.

Maybe I'm too comfortable in my straight life?

Maybe I lack the necessary "hunger" to date?

I just don't know. Nothing I've thought about seems right.

Feeling lost is a new sensation for me. I don't like it and my discomfort only makes my head spin faster.

Maybe I need to flail around like this for a while? Maybe I need to become so frustrated that I reach a tipping point, then I'll finally act in a decisive way. Maybe if I never act, that means I just don't want to be with a man badly enough?

At this point I think I need to protect my trampled ego. I don't have the fortitude to take any more disappointments in stride. What I need are some no pressure ways to meet men. Jason has made some good suggestions. Unfortunately all I do is makes excuses and tell myself why they won't work.

I need a really big kick in the ass and I just don't know how to do it. Any ideas?

Social Circles

2011-03-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

When one of his siblings says or does something my 13 year old thinks is stupid, he'll berate them with, "That's an EPIC FAIL!!"

My last post can be called an EPIC FAIL - at least according to the (supportive) trouncing I took from both friends' and newcomers' comments. I must have done a very poor job of making my point.

Should I try again? Or should I simply say "thank you" and move on to a different topic?

I've decided to try again. Maybe I'll get beaten to a pulp again (with good intentions by all - I understand) but, for whatever reason, I'm finding it difficult to let this go.

------

Given my situation, figuring out how to meet the right kind of men is a tricky issue.

Although I'm convinced that OKCupid is the best dating site out there, I no longer think it's the best site for me. It's time that I pursue other options.

Turning away from OKCupid is disappointing. It's like switching from a new Apple computer to an eight year old PC. Why would I want to do that??!

I've realized that OKCupid mostly attracts a demographic that is not my own. As much as I would like to be a part of that demographic, I really don't think I can do it properly. I feel like I'm trying to shoe-horn again. That is, trying to get my foot into a shoe that almost fits, but doesn't quite.

What I'm talking about comes down to social circles.

Whether we're aware of it, or like to admit it, it's human nature to want to hang out with people who are similar to ourselves. Being with our own people makes us feel comfortable. It makes us feel safe and at ease with ourselves. There's a reason why different ethnicities tend to segregate themselves. We're all most comfortable among the people most like us.

When it comes to social circles, economic status and educational backgrounds can be more powerful than race. I have friends of many ethnic backgrounds but they're all college educated and they're all professionals. I have much more in common with them than I do with most white high school educated tradesmen.

Lifestyle and age often dictate social circles. Most people have friends in their own age group and most people have friends that live a similar lifestyle.

The intensity of friendships change as we move through the stages of life. As some friendships heat up and others cool down that signifies that the focus of our life is changing. We always make our closest friends the center of our social circle. As the circle changes, we change friends. That's why single people often complain that they need new friends after all of their old ones get married.

The gay community is its own social circle. This is evidenced by the fact that many large cities have gay neighborhoods. Gays and lesbians want a place where they are comfortable and are among their own kind, the same way people of different ethnicities want the same sense of community.

Like ethnic neighborhoods, gay neighborhoods have their own personality. Although individual personalities can be very different than neighborhood personalities the fact that a person chooses to live in a certain neighborhood indicates that they feel most comfortable with that neighborhood's personality. If they weren't comfortable, they'd live somewhere else.

I live near San Francisco, one of the gayest cities on Earth. Most gays in San Francisco live within a two mile radius of Castro and Market Streets, the center of "The Castro." The urban lifestyle they live is very different from the one I do. If I wasn't gay I wouldn't venture down to the Castro any more often than I do Japantown. Also, if I wasn't gay and I wanted to live in the City I wouldn't live in the Castro. Why? Because the center of my social circle would not be there.

It might sound like I'm implying that I don't want to date a guy who lives in an urban, gay neighborhood. That's not true. At this point, I'd be happy to date anyone who can fog a mirror.

What I'm saying is I have my social circle. I'm a suburban dad raising three bratty kids in a location filled other bratty, spoiled white kids and their often obnoxious parents. I have a routine that is centered on my kids and whether I like that routine or not, it doesn't matter. I'm committed, they are my responsibility and no one else, including my someday-ex-wife is willing and able to be their primary parent.

Urban gay men have their social circle. Mostly, it is dominated by other urban gay men. They have routines too. My guess is that their routines are more fun than mine.

Now, just because two people have very different social circles doesn't mean that they can't be friends. Of course not. It happens all the time. And it certainly doesn't mean two people can't be lovers. But here's the problem: in order for a relationship to grow, social circles have to adjust. If two people stay locked in different social circles then it creates conflict and, unless someone adjusts, almost certainly the relationship will end. Normally I would be happy to adjust. But with my responsibilities, I'm largely locked in. That means my potential partner would need to accommodate me. Why should a gay San Franciscan do that when there is an endless supply of other gay men within two miles of his home? He won't. And it's not just about supply. It's also about being comfortable and melding similar social circles.

The reason I think I'd stand a better chance for accommodation in a place like Kansas City or in suburban parts of San Francisco is because the lifestyle differences are less and the choices are fewer.

To have the best chance for dating success, I need to interact with people who are most similar to me. OKCupid is not the best venue for that.

I'm always going to have the same hurdles but cursory explorations of Match, Manhunt and Adam4Adam seem to indicate that they all have more divorced men, and, a greater portion of their users live in the suburbs than OKCupid. I think OKCupid is wicked cool but when it comes to online sites for middle aged, divorced men who are raising kids, it's not the best choice.

I should say that, although I'm somewhat obsessed with OKCupid, I'm not obsessed with on-line dating. In fact, more and more I'm feeling like finding a boyfriend is a lot like finding a job. You can send a resume into a generic job website, or, you can network with real people who have a similar social circle. Chances are, it's real people who are going to help you find success, not the on-line job site.

As for my 41yo teacher...my shoulder-bag wielding urban hipster...I have no intention of emailing him any time soon. He's my top-choice on OKCupid. But, as I'm learning, I need to expand my options. I suspect that if I make an effort with other sites, I'll find quite a few other guys who would make a better match than my geeky friend.

Am I going to get scolded again? Or am I making more sense now?

------

Many thanks to the guys who take the time to read my posts and make thoughtful comments. I'm not always good about replying but I do savor every word you guys say. I really wanted to respond individually to everyone this time, but since you all mostly hit a different note in the same song, I decided to go with a full post.

Big thanks to Mark, Jason_M, Jim, Amtop, Austin, Jack, Biki and Jayson.

Kansas City > San Francisco?

2011-03-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

So far, my one venue for finding men has been the dating site OKCupid. I've had my profile up for about five weeks which means that I'm no longer 'new'. I've reached the point where, if I want to meet anyone, I need to take the initiative.

The other day I narrowed the field to a few possibilities and started to email one of them. I had this idea that I would begin the conversation by complimenting him on something in one of his profile pictures.

As I was reviewing his pictures, I realized that two of them made me feel uncomfortable, as in, out of place. In one, he had a shoulder bag slung across his chest. The caption said, "Standing on Castro Street." In the other, he had his arm over the shoulder of a girl, his head turned toward her and his lips pursed. The caption read, "Trying to kiss Amanda at the Castro St. Fair."

When I had previously looked at the pictures I had focused on him. Now that I was looking again, I noticed his very urban surroundings and his comfort in them. He's a 41 year old school teacher - that appeals to me - but, he's also an urbanite. That got me thinking...

I live about 10 miles from San Francisco, one of the gayest cities on Earth. Yet as close as I am to Gay Mecca, my proximity disguises the fact that all the homos who reside there live VERY differently than I do. Many of them seldom travel farther than 5 miles from their home. Many of them don't have cars. Most of them DO have a strong network of friends that keeps them busy on a daily basis. Few of them have a realistic idea of what it's like to raise three kids. They're single and free. Outside of their work obligations they're free to do whatever they like, whenever they like. Without the need to be responsible for tedious things like homework and sport practices and packing school lunches and cooking dinner for a family every night, they have the freedom to pamper themselves. Who needs a big house when you're single? You don't. You can rent a small apartment and sock away a ton of money to use to travel the world.

As I sat there looking at pictures of my urban hipster school teacher I realized that, not only do we come from very different worlds, we will continue to inhabit those different worlds. And, because I'm the one with the dull obligations, what about my life would appeal to an urban, single guy?

Absolutely nothing. Why would a single guy who has spent his entire adult life catering to his own desires have any reason to accommodate a sort-of-divorced guy with three kids who lives and works in the suburbs? He wouldn't.

I canceled the email.

The fact is, people can come from different worlds and form a bond, but the chances of forming a bond when you continue to inhabit two different worlds is very low.

If I want to date single gay men in San Francisco then I pretty much have to live as a single gay man in San Francisco. There's plenty of them all over the City, there's no reason why any one of them should ever consider a guy with kids in the suburbs.

Because I don't plan to live as a single gay man in San Francisco any time soon, I've realized that I should forget about urbanites and focus on guys who live in the suburbs. If I do that, I wonder, how big is my prospect pool?

Not big! In fact, the number of total prospects, at least on OKCupid, drops by 90%.

90%!!

After carefully sorting through the 10% who remain, I don't see anyone who instinctively feels like they might be a good match. In fact, when I eliminate the guys who will never, under any circumstances, ever appeal to me, my prospect pool is shockingly tiny - considering I live only a few miles away from one of the gayest cities on Earth.

I haven't done any research but I wonder if I had the same situation and lived in a place like Kansas City, whether I'd have better options than I do in the San Francisco Bay Area? That possibility is extremely jarring.

Because I am unwilling to dump my kids on Gabbie (and she doesn't want them anyway) it's clear that I have to work within the constraints I have accepted. OKCupid might be part of the problem. Maybe it's not mainstream enough to appeal to suburbanites. Whether that's true or not, it's clear that I need to pursue other methods of meeting the right kind of men.

Charlie Drama

2011-03-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

Charlie has been my wife's boyfriend for about four years. I hate him.

He's English, upbeat, and eager to be 'mates' with everyone. He can be quite charming - until you get to know him and realize that he's a hard-core alcoholic and a complete loser.

Charlie and I could not be more opposite. We're so completely different that I long ago stopped trying to understand why my sort-of-ex-wife finds him irresistible. It's just a phenomenon that IS.

Charlie's alcoholism is only one of his many problems. His next biggest problem is that he never has a nickel. I can't say that he's broke because he's lazy; that's not true. If he says he'll do a job he will, although his work tends to be very sloppy. He's the type who would use a wad of chewing gum if he thought it would fix a leaky pipe. Cheap, creative - and completely wrong.

The reason Charlie is so poor is because he's in the US illegally and he has no identification of any kind. No passport, no driver's license, no state ID - nothing. Because he has no ID he can't get a regular job. Instead he survives one day to the next by doing odd jobs. If you need a room painted he can do it quickly for $100. But he'll slap the paint on, not use a drop cloth and get paint flecks everywhere.

In the more than four years that I have had the displeasure of knowing Charlie he has bounced through about eight different living situations. He's been evicted twice for not paying rent. Other times he's been roommates with other alcoholics. Because his friends are all losers with no jobs, it's only a matter of time before they get evicted and Charlie is forced to find a new couch.

In November, for the first time ever, Charlie stopped drinking. While he was sober his ex-wife let him sleep on her couch. I loved that situation because Charlie doesn't have a car and his ex-wife lives about 7 miles away. I never had to see him! But then the inevitable happened in February and Charlie fell off the wagon. After a few weeks of on-and-off drinking, his ex finally gave him the boot about ten days ago. That literally left him homeless.

For the first five days he bounced from friend to friend. One night here, one night there. Last Thursday night my sort-of-ex Gabbie spent a solid hour begging me to let him sleep in our house. Normally I give in to her about everything, but when it comes to Charlie I have my limits. "No, no, no. Absolutely, positively NO WAY," I told her.

I suggested that he find an overpass somewhere. Gabbie was not amused.

Somehow Charlie eeked out a few more nights on various couches. Then on Sunday night, a solid two hours after Gabbie had crawled into bed to watch TV for the remainder of the night, her cell phone rang. Charlie. After some vague back and forth between them, Gabbie hung up and jumped out of bed. Then she started searching the house for something. "What's going on?" I asked her.

"Charlie is going to sleep in my car tonight. I'm getting him some blankets."

Well, fuck!

I grumbled to myself for a while. Then I decided that keeping him in the car was better than fighting about him sleeping in the house.

Oh, how short-sighted I was. Sure, he can sleep in the car but what happens when he's hungry, dirty or needs to use the bathroom? Into the house he comes.

The big question is: how long is this sleeping-in-the-car bullshit going to last?

I don't know the answer. Gabbie is working feverishly to find him a room to rent. She's already told me that she's going to use me as his reference. That will enable me to experience the finer points of 'survival of the fittest' as I try to foist Charlie out of my life and into someone else's.

At a minimum Charlie won't have a home until April first. He needs to work for the rest of March to save enough money to pay one month's rent and a security deposit. This means that I can look forward to dealing with him on a close, personal basis for at least the next 17 days. What a fucking nightmare.

Now with Charlie hanging around, I have to wonder why I thought a co-parenting, co-habitational break-up was a good idea...

Gays, Dating, Sex & Attitude

2011-03-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

Men!

I'd like to meet some.

Finding men can be as easy as ordering a pizza to be delivered. Sign in to Grindr, Manhunt or Adam4Adam and, boom, within 30 minutes or less you can have a man delivered to your doorstep.

Ah, the efficiency of gay hook-up culture!

I've been there and done that. But now hook-ups seem empty and pointless. It's a pity I feel that way. I could undoubtedly meet many more men if I would just change my attitude.

As with life in general, attitude makes all the difference.

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized just how important one's attitude about sex is when it comes to meeting men. Generally speaking, it seems that gay men can be divided into three groups according to their 'sex and dating' attitude:

One attitude is that sex is recreational. 'Strings' are to be avoided because they inevitably ruin the fun. Although gay men of all ages can feel this way, my perception is that this attitude is most common among guys in their 20s and early 30s.

When a guy feels ready to jump off the NSA merry-go-round and settle down, he often adopts the second attitude. He's ready for commitment but he's not particularly looking for it either. He may hook-up less frequently than he did when he was younger but the whole idea of sex leading to a relationship makes sense to him. Basically, guys with this attitude are open to all possibilities, including recreational sex. These are guys who would agree with Single Guy, that "sex is the gay handshake" - casual sex is a way to determine if a guy might be relationship-worthy. It's my belief that the majority of single gay men have this attitude.

Guys with the third attitude tend to be somewhat prudish about sex. They are that certain segment of gay men who, regardless of their age, are keenly focused on finding a relationship. For them, sex is secondary to finding an emotional connection. Casual sex does not appeal to them and many of them would turn down a hook-up even if they found the guy attractive.

For whatever reasons, I have the third attitude. And I'm realizing that my attitude significantly narrows the pool of potential men I might meet. Bars? No. A coffee house as Austin has suggested? Maybe. That would be a crap-shoot. In a best-case scenario eye contact turns into a flirty conversation. Then what? A date? Maybe. Or an offer to come home?

Wouldn't it be much simpler if I just changed my attitude?

I've asked myself that question and it's something I could consider. But then I hear stories like this:

A friend I met from blogging has the second attitude. He would like to have a relationship but he's willing to hook-up for fun or to see if a hook-up might lead to something more permanent. Recently he met a guy through Grindr. They clicked well enough on-line that they arranged a coffee date. The date went extremely well. Afterward my friend told me, "the date was good. Really good. I'm sure this is premature - but I actually felt a connection with this guy. Sparks? Not quite yet. We had to stop by his house and drop off his leftover cheesecake - and while there he kissed me (which was nice) - and I could tell he was willing to go farther. I hit the brakes and said 'I want to go slow - I've been in these situations where I jump ahead of myself, and it never goes well.' He agreed."

Two days later I asked my friend if he'd had any more contact with his Grindr guy. He said, "I sent the guy a message a little while ago. He responded with something like 'I've been thinking a lot about it - and I'm having a problem with you being married. Sorry.' So that's that. I mean it's kind of funny. He was trying to get my pants off - and he knew I was married at the time. So I'm good enough to fuck - but not good enough to date."

I should mention that my friend's marriage is over but not legally so. Kind of like mine. Actually, my situation is worse. My wife and I are 'best friends' who sleep in the same bed.

So yes, I could change my attitude and I'd meet more men. But how many of them would say, "You're good enough to fuck, but you're not good enough to date."

"Wait a minute!!" you're thinking. "What do you think all those no-hook-up-I-want-a-connection guys are going to say?!"

Probably something like, "Are fucking kidding me? You're married?? See ya!"

***

When I was navigating through all the chaos of last year - did I have a marriage or not? - I was pleased and thrilled to follow Jim through his journey at Conflicting Clarity. He and his wife have maintained their family home and co-parent their kids together. They each have their own boyfriend and both boyfriends have found the situation acceptable, at least for a while. Theirs is a slow and gentle break-up that has sheltered the kids from having their lives turned upside down.

How ideal! I thought. Isn't everyone a winner in a slow and gentle break-up? Why have separate homes if everyone gets along?

Nothing about that scenario has changed. It's still ideal - from my point of view as a parent. But I think the reality is that Jim's boyfriend T is an exception. Most single gay men who are interested in a relationship would have no time for a man who is still legally married and lives under the same roof as his wife.

I find it ironic that I'm gay and my wife is straight, our romantic relationship is over and neither of us sees an upside to getting a divorce right now, YET most single gay men would REQUIRE a divorce. Now I have outsiders telling me how to live?

The fact is, no one can tell me how to live. But my choices do have consequences. If I want to stay legally married and live in the same house with my sort-of ex-wife, I'll be damn lucky to find a guy who wants to date me. Or, I can get a divorce, move out (kids with me, of course) and HOPE that my divorced marital status will be acceptable to more single gay men.

Gee, it seems to me, I'm fucked either way. And my attitude doesn't have a lot to do with it.

Gay Dating Week Two

2011-03-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

"I met someone! We're deliriously happy! He's THE ONE!!!!"

Anyone believe that?

Sucker!

Ok, ok. So my last post was pretty negative. I was disappointed that I was easily discouraged. I was worried that I wasn't excited about the possibilities that lay ahead. I lamented the fact that I should be HUNGRY to find the right guy.

Here I am a week later. I wish I could say that I suddenly feel much better. I don't. Now I just have a sense of humor about it.

I guess that is some improvement.

I didn't bother totalling up any stats for this week. There isn't much of a point. As expected, all activity slowed significantly.

The bottom line is that I am having ZERO conversations and I have ZERO prospects. Yay me!

The most fun I had all week was fooling around with OKCupid to see how their rating system worked. You can give a guy from 1 to 5 stars. If you give him four or five, he gets an email that says something like, "A random dude just gave you five stars!!!!! Click here and you might be able to figure out who it was!" You click through and you're brought to a page with three profile pictures that you're supposed to rate. Only one of them matches one of the random pictures from the email. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who 4-starred you.

This week I did have a few guys 4-star me. Sadly, not one of them was even slightly interesting. Seriously. I'm not being too picky.

The dark side of the OKCupid star rating system is the 1 or 2 star. Actually, 1-stars are not always dark. Handing them out can be sadistically fun. They're perfect for those guys who absolutely, positively, if they were the last man on Earth, under no circumstances, would you EVER, like, ewww, touch them.

One star. Boom. Gone. You never have to be see them again.

Two stars is a kinder, gentler way of permanently saying goodbye. The result, however, is the same as one star.

One positive aspect of the 1 or 2 star rating is that you DON'T get an email telling you that "HOTGUY69" thinks you look like dog shit and gave you a pity rating of two stars. Nope. If someone gives you 1 or 2 stars you never really know. Unless you notice that they have quietly disappeared.

Wait a minute? Disappearing men? I've had that happen! I thought it was some kind of glitch.

Nope. It's not a glitch. When someone disappears and you didn't one star them, they one-starred you.

Ouch.

I had no idea that disappearing men had anything to do with star ratings. No one tells you that. But with the help of another blogger, we figured it out.

The one stat I did calculate is the percentage of guys who viewed me and then gave me a one or two star rating: 15%. More than half of those I would have one-starred myself, for various reasons. Of the remainder I was indifferent to all but 5 guys. What is most sad is that of those 5, the two guys I had the biggest OKCupid crushes on BOTH 1-starred me. Brutal.

Oh pain, oh misery.

Basically I have decided that spending any emotional energy on dating is a bad investment. I'm not giving up but I'm going to do my best to check out.

At some point I'll feel like being more aggressive but for now I don't have the necessary confidence or enthusiasm. With my current passive approach I'd guess I'd average one date every-other month. Based on what other formerly-married bloggers in their 40s are doing, that seems to be typical.

Some of you may (correctly) say that it's time I try alternatives. Why stick to one dating site? Jason nicely suggested on my last post that I try FrontRunners. I'd definitely be happy to focus on real-life interactions and forget the Internet but it's not easy to find an outlet. FrontRunners would be an option if I enjoyed running. I have looked into a variety of MeetUp groups. I've done numerous searches for activities and groups and I periodically check the strictly platonic section of Craigslist. I won't say there are no opportunities but there's nothing that seems easy or ideal. I will keep checking.

I had an offer on an old Compatible Partners account for $15 per month for 3 months. It expired on February 28th. On that day I decided to sign up and I was prompted to update all of their four million questions. Then, after I finished, I got the E-Harmony Green Screen of Death: "Compatible Partners is for singles, check back with us when your relationship status changes." Well, fuck them! Separated isn't good enough for them, apparently. Of course I tried to access my account and change my marital status but the assholes kept bouncing me out. I took that as a sign and gave up. For now.

I've also been wondering if homos looking for LTRs in their 40s are generally selfish bastards. What I mean is, they feel like there are enough fish in the sea that they don't need to bother with separated suburban fathers. I can see the logic. I've wondered if maybe I need to consider a less uptight group of prospects. Guys who frequently think about dads they'd like to fuck. If I had any enthusiasm for the NSA mentality I'd try Adam4Adam. Some day I probably will. But for now I can't even be bothered to sign in.

I think this entry is going to be the last one about dating, at least for a while. I don't expect anything to happen in the near future that would be worth writing about.

For the next few entries I'd like to write about mixed orientation marriages and coming out to wives. People complain when I write about general topics and not my personal story so I've opted to write about nothing but my drama for the last five months. Once again I'm bored writing about myself so I think it's time to change my focus, at least for a little while.

BTW, if any of you think you know the perfect match for me, please email me and I'll send you my address. All you'll need to do is stuff him a box (with a little lettuce and a water bottle, of course) and mail him off to me.

Oh, one more BTW. For anyone who gives a shit about OKCupid: don't 3 star anyone. It's a complete waste, nothing happens, and if you rate them first you won't get an email if they later 4-star you.

My First Date and Other Worries

2011-02-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

My expectations for my first date were quite low.

We didn't exchange detailed emails in advance nor did we speak on the phone.

If I had passed him on the street, I would never have given him a second look. He probably would have said the same about me.

But on OKCupid we expressed a mutual, modest interest in each other and that was enough to generate an email from him that suggested we meet for a casual hike. So we did.

The conversation flowed easily enough. But it was also strangely impersonal.

Am I crazy to think that almost every gay first date covers at least one of these topics: being gay, sex, dating or relationships? Well, ours didn't. I could have had the exact same conversation with any straight stranger on the street.

We made very little eye contact and there was absolutely no flirting. The best way to summarize the date is that we were two asexual robots walking through the trees together.

When we parted I knew it was unlikely that we would ever meet again. Still, I didn't feel bad about the "date". It was clear that we didn't click in a meaningful way.

Later in the day, to be polite, I sent him a message that said, "Thanks for the nice walk! I'd be happy to do it again sometime." I expected a short reply. Something like, "I enjoyed the walk too. It was good to meet you." Instead, nothing.

Actually, I interpreted 'nothing' as a decision NOT to reply.

Fine. I don't really care that the date went no where.

So....why do I care that he didn't bother to send a polite reply? Is it such an effort to send one or two sentences that say nothing?

I think I care because I have this feeling that he's pissed off. I ask myself, why should he be pissed?? Was it inconvenient to meet me? (He picked the day, time and location.) Does my profile "sell" me as someone I'm not? (I don't think so. What would be the point of that?) Did I say or do something that angered him? Was my email superficial or trite? Maybe I said something offensive to him and didn't realize it? Whatever. None of the second-guessing is important except for one reason - confidence. It's totally stupid but I feel like a dating failure. After ONE date???? Yes, I know. It's not rational, but that's how I feel.

Dating is FULL of rejection, I know that, so I'd better get a thicker skin.

I suppose that will develop in time.

What concerns me is that having my confidence so easily deflated plays into the many doubts I already have:

+ It's week two and I've already reached the point where I am not being pursued. To make any progress I must pursue others.

+ I am fully responsible for three kids (feeding them, homework, activities, etc).

+ I don't live or work in the City.

+ I live with my 'best friend' aka my wife. We sleep in the same bed. What single man wants to hear that?

+ I'm not interested in casual sex. Really. If sex is the gay handshake I'm never going to meet anyone.

+ Gay relationships tend to be short-lived. Why expend a lot of effort trying to find something that isn't going to last?

+ Meeting someone will require me to come out. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. I don't want to be the topic of anyone's conversations. I don't want to feel uncomfortable around people I've known for decades.

Look how negative I am!

My attitude sucks and it really worries me. Success does not come from pessimism. Success does not come from a shitty attitude.

If I want something, I should really hunger for it and be driven to make it happen. Instead I'm limping along. My confidence gets shot because of one marginal date????

I don't know what the answer to my attitude problem is. That bothers me too. Perhaps worst of all, there's a big part of me feels like giving up - so what if I never have an intimate and sexual bond with another person again? I still have other people in my life, like Gabbie and my kids.

I wish I knew how to clear my mind and be focused on a positive future.

Dating - Week One

2011-02-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

I entered the (always interesting) world of gay dating a week ago.

Although I would have preferred to make some real-world contacts, I decided that raising kids in the suburbs is unlikely to be conducive to starting a gay social life. At some point I'll focus on making real-world connections but for now I'm giving the Internet a try.

There are a plethora of options available for Internet homo dating, including Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Grindr, Jack'd, Gay.com, PlentyofFish, DudesNude, Match.com, Compatible Partners, Craigslist, Chemistry.com, Mypartner.com and OKCupid!

Because I'm looking for a relationship, not casual sex, I will be focusing my efforts on the more traditional sites first. My plan is to try one site at a time, stick with it for a while, and then move on when the activity level drops to nothing. I'm in no particular hurry to meet someone so I view my approach being as being a slow and steady journey.

The site I chose to start with is OKCupid! The name is kind of stupid but in just about every other way the site is awesome. I love that it's free, I love the way they match people, I love the way they casually prompt you to make connections and reveal more about yourself. The owners just sold the company to Match for $50 million. I think they made a big mistake. If they had held on, ala Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook, the company would have been worth much more in 10 years' time. It's by far the best traditional dating site on the Internet.

I've had a lurker profile on OKCupid for a few months so I could have begun with some prospects I've had my eye on. But, as part of my slow-and-steady approach, I decided not to pursue any of them until my own profile has aged a bit. I'm new, I'm fresh meat, I should see a burst of initial activity.

And I did.

Here is what happened in the first week:

More than 103 different guys viewed my profile. On OKCupid you can browse openly or anonymously; 103 browsed openly.

Of the 103, 25 were under the age of 40, 50 were 40-49 and 29 were 50-56. No one older than 56 browsed. I'm a bit surprised about the age distribution. Before I crunched the numbers my perception had been that mostly older guys were interested in me. Not true. The majority were very near my age. I didn't calculate the median but I'd guess it's 46 or 47. I'm 44.

Of the 103 who browsed openly, 15 of them returned to my profile at least once more later in the week. I know that I have a tendency to look at profiles I like multiple times. If others behave in the same way, a return-visitor rate of 14.5% is encouraging.

During the week I was contacted, in a variety of ways, by 11 different guys:

Two 'favorited' me. OKCupid lets users select favorites either with or without the person's knowledge. Anyone who picks you as a favorite, and lets you know, is basically saying, "I'm interested in you, are you interested in me?"

Five guys '4-starred' me through QuickMatch. QuickMatch is when you opt to go through random profiles and give them ratings of 1 to 5 stars. If you 4 or 5 star someone, they are notified. The thing is, the notification says, "One of these NINE guys gave you four or five stars." Sometimes you can check the visitor history and match up the time of the visit with the time of QuickMatch email. Then you can tell who 4-starred you. Otherwise they are browsing anonymously and you have no clue which guy actually 4-starred you.

Four guys sent actual messages. Well, really there were six, but I'm not counting two of them because they were from distant locations and they were....strange.

Eleven contacts. Did any of them interest me?

One.

One of the guys who 4-starred me was moderately interesting so I 4-starred him back. He's a real outdoorsy nut so he suggested a hike for our first meeting instead coffee. Weather-permitting we'll meet on Sunday.

My expectations are low. Maybe it's not fair but it really bothers me that he's 7 inches taller.

Regardless, it's a connection. A test first-date. A way to get my feet wet and gain some dating experience.

I'm neither disappointed nor especially pleased with my first week 'out'. Many guys spend year after year looking for a connection. I can see why.

Wish me well on my first interview...I mean...date.

Thanks for readin', writin' and commentin'.

What is going on

2011-02-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

In my last post I wrote about not knowing if my wife really wanted to separate or not. I was getting mixed signals from her and she was so busy with work that I couldn't find a good time to talk with her about it.

One of the reasons I was confused was because she had planned a weekend of activities for just the two of us - more time together than we had spent in months. "This is separation??" I wondered.

Well, it turns out that the idea of so much togetherness was too much for Gabbie. Almost out of the blue she said, "You put a lot of pressure on me."

"What do you mean?"

"You expect me to spend every minute with you."

I laughed. "That's not true! You know I never make you do anything you don't want to do."

Seizing the opportunity, I continued, "Besides, I'm a big boy. I can entertain myself. I can have a social life. I just don't think you would like it."

Then the big finish: "And I really don't think you would like it if I had a friend."

"I wouldn't be like that. Go ahead and do whatever you want to do."

So, just like that, I got the green light to start dating men.

Two days ago I took the first steps toward doing that. I posted a profile and a picture on OKCupid. If you'd like to find me, I'll tell you how to do it. First, you have to a free account with OKCupid. Second, do a nationwide search using the keyword "INTJ". That's my Myers-Briggs personality type. You'll get about five pages of other INTJ geeks. Mostly, we're an unattractive group. It's up to you to narrow down the prospects to find me. It's not hard. To make it even easier, I will tell you that I list my orientation as gay, not bisexual. Once you find me, be sure to send me a message professing your undying love.

If someone actually does send me a message, that would be a first. Now that I have finally burst on to the gay dating scene I get to face the cold, hard reality that no one gives a shit. Undoubtedly ya'll can look forward to years of me whining about never having a date.

Is my romantic marriage over? Honestly, I haven't completely come to terms with that. I'm still very skeptical about Gabbie's reaction if I ever do meet someone. There's a part of me that has this hope that some day soon she'll realize that she can't live without me. Even today she tangentially said something that put our marriage in the present tense, not the past. Ah! There is hope! My little brain thought. So we'll see. Saying that she doesn't care if I have a friend when there are no prospects is one thing. Dealing with a real homo husband who is actively dating men is another.

What's Going On?

2011-02-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

My wife and I agreed to split on January 4th; she moved out on January 16th.

Our split was very amicable. In December she told me she wanted a best-friends marriage and after I considered that option for a month I decided we were too young to accept that. When I told her how I felt she seemed relieved.

Quite a number of times over the past two years she told me she wished she lived alone or she wished she had never gotten married. The 'never gotten married' was not directed at me. She just thought that marriage in general was too confining.

Two days after we agreed to split she was all over Craigslist, anxiously looking for a place she liked. It didn't take her long to find one and after she did she decided to alternate nights between there and home. That way her absence would be less of an issue for the kids.

Sunday, January 16th was her first night in her new place. Five days later she called me to say that she was very lonely and she wanted to move back home.

That's right. After years of wishing for a place of her own she lasted less than five days. Actually it was three nights because of the every-other-night thing.

I was thrilled. That Friday was one of the happiest days I've had in a long time. But my happiness faded a bit over the following days because work and social commitments kept her very busy. She ended up staying three more nights at her place for a total of six. We moved all her stuff back home on Friday, January 28th.

During the busy week when I was waiting for her to move back, I wondered what was going on with us. Are we together? Are we not? Does she still want a BFF marriage? She was so hurried and stressed that week that there was never a good time when I could ask her. The following week was very busy also; we never had a good opportunity to talk. She didn't even tell the kids she had moved back until Sunday, January 30th. They were all happy.

The oldest one asked the question I wanted to ask, "Does this mean you and Dad are back together?"

Finally an answer!

"No, we're still just best friends."

As the days since then have ticked by Gabbie has shown no sign of wanting to be independent from me. That has made me wonder, again, what is going on. When she originally told me she was moving back she said, "Maybe we could make some changes with the house so we each have a separate area." But she's never mentioned it again.

Just as interesting is her lack of interest in spending time with her sort-of boyfriend Charlie. He's on the wagon, has no money and lives on his ex-wife's couch. The days of drunken bliss are gone, I guess.

It appears that Charlie is no longer a threat and Gabbie's wanderlust has been sated. That means, from my perspective, the only issue keeping us apart is sex. If she could honestly enjoy having sex with me every once in a while, like less than 10 times a year, I'd be perfectly content. That's a bizarre thing for a homosexual to say but it's true. I've even been wondering if celibacy might be survivable, if I took it one day at a time. So I admit it. I've been thinking about capitulating.

Giving in.

Giving up.

But wait a minute...she told the kids we're still split up. And we haven't really talked since she moved back in. Maybe she really hasn't changed her mind at all?

Two nights ago I started a conversation. I asked her, "How are you enjoying single life?"

"What life? All I do is work."

"Well, are you happy being single?"

"What are you talking about?!!! It was YOUR idea to separate!"

It took me a minute to decide how to respond to that. I don't see it that way. But I decided not to contradict her. Instead I said, "Yes..but, I was reacting to what you told me."

One of the kids walked in and distracted us for a few minutes, then left. After that my wife started talking about something else entirely, leaving me wondering...what the fuck is going on?

This weekend Gabbie has made various social plans for us on Friday and Saturday night as well as for the game on Sunday. We haven't spent that much time together in four months. She's also got Valentine's Day all booked for us. Yet we're separated?

Oh, and of course we sleep in the same bed.

Well, all this ambiguity is driving me fucking nuts. I DO want to be with her but I want more than a BFF marriage. If she just wants to play house together, well, that puts me in an awkward position. That would put the public focus of our split on me. You know, the whole gay thing. I really don't want to be in the spotlight. I'm really hoping Gabbie's return home isn't a sign that she's given up her desire for independence.

I don't have an explicit plan or a particular deadline but some time very soon I'm going to get this resolved. I might have to wait until after Valentine's Day, unless an opportunity presents itself before then.

It's so frustrating to be going no where again after we finally had some direction.

Coming out to the Kids

2011-01-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

I think many people would agree that the very worst kind of kid to raise is a rebellious teenager. Fortunately, I don't have one of those. I may have the second worst kind, however. I have a sassy, snotty middle school girl. You know the type. They are often found in packs at shopping malls, over-dressed and full of attitude.

My daughter is 11 which means she has not yet arrived at the ultimate prima-dona age of 13 or 14. But anyone who talks to her for a few minutes can see what may be coming. Often she's a joy but sometimes she's just a bratty pain-in-the-ass.

You may recall that my wife and I decided to keep the kids in the dark about our split, at least for a while. The idea was to give them time to adjust to Gabbie's regular absence as she divided her time between her new place and home. You may also recall that the kids learned of our plan when Rose, the sometimes bratty 11 year old, eavesdropped on a very heated phone call between Gabbie and her mother. I didn't witness the eavesdropping first hand so when I learned what had happened I wrongly assumed that the reason Rose picked up the phone was because she wanted to know what Gabbie was yelling about. Wrong. The reason Rose picked up the phone was to call me. She wanted to complain about how Gabbie had cut the cable bill by eliminating a slate of channels.

Ah, complaining. One of the life skills my daughter has already expertly mastered.

You may also recall that after Gabbie and I confirmed with the kids that we are splitting up, they all were unhappy that we had planned to hide the truth from them for a while. Their concerns were echoed by quite a few readers here who commented and said, in essence, "Don't lie to the kids!"

Don't lie to the kids?

Well that puts me in an awkward situation, doesn't it? That actually puts every gay or bisexual person with kids in an awkward situation. Don't lie to them? Ever?

The fact that the kids don't want to be lied to either would seem to make for a very obvious answer to the question of whether I should come out to the kids now or later.

But wait a minute...

Isn't it human nature to always want to be told the truth? There aren't many circumstances where most people, in all earnestness, wish to be lied to.

So when my kids said, "We don't want to be lied to," isn't that a natural, reflective action? Or is it a commandment every parent should live by?

I expect that many people would argue that talking about anything related to sex before a child is of an age to understand sexual attraction is not appropriate. They're too young. Because children mature differently it's probably not wise to set a hard and fast rule about the age where sex-related conversations should begin. However, in public schools sex education can begin in the fourth grade when some kids are as young as nine. Does this mean every closeted person should come out to their kids before the kids turn 11? Or 12?

Maybe it does. But I'm not sure.

As a parent of three imperfect children I see things differently. I see an often bratty 11 year old. I see a sullen, somewhat reclusive 13 year old. I see a 17 year old, who, despite his good nature, still has a long way to go before he consistently makes good decisions. In other words, I see a clash between the idea of always being truthful and the reality that kids are not adults. Kids are often motivated by the simplest of emotions. They can have poor filters and they generally find it impossible to resist any chance for instant gratification, regardless of what the long-term consequences might be.

Kids don't want to be lied to, but do they really have the emotional and intellectual maturity to handle an unsettling truth?

I think the answer all depends. It depends on the truth, it depends on the circumstances and it depends on the kid. Also, I think it's way easier for a 20-something to look back and tell a parent they should have come out sooner than they did. They've survived adolescence and have already forgotten the daily anguish of their early teen years. Kids are trying to find themselves at that age. They're often engaged in multiple levels of emotional and social turmoil every day. Add a divorce AND a gay parent and it could be very overwhelming.

My experience with kids is that they are very resilient. Mostly, they are able to quickly adapt to change. It's when they don't adapt that life-long problems can develop: the parent who walked out, the move that ruined their life, the death in the family that permanently affected them. As a parent, I feel like I must protect my children from too much change. Yes, most of the time they will be able to cope, but isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Is waiting a year or two to come out to them really that detrimental?

At the moment, I don't find the idea of being honest reason enough to come out to my kids. If was leaving my wife then I'd feel it was important to explain my behavior and make it clear that my wife was not to blame. That's not the case. If I was dating a guy and he was already an important part of my life, then I might want to explain our relationship. At this time, there is no such guy.

There will be a day when I come out to my kids. That day will probably come sooner rather than later. For now, I am not convinced that their desire not to be lied to requires me to come out to them. I'm going to take the chance that they won't hold the delay of a year or two against me.

Lying to the Kids

2011-01-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

In my last post I talked about how parents often lie to their kids and how Gabbie and I were going to continue that tradition by lying to them about our split.

Boy did that post generate some comments!

Apparently the twinges of sarcasm that I tried to add to the facts didn't come through clearly. Yes, the plan has been for Gabbie to move out and to spend every other night at home. Yes, the plan has been to explain Gabbie's absence as being work-related. (Which is somewhat true, actually. They're doing a huge computer conversion this month.) But let's be real. How long is the every-other night scenario going to last before it becomes tiresome? And when Gabbie hits that point, clearly we're going to have to do some explaining.

My best guess is that it will be less than three weeks before we have to tell the kids. The thing is, we both see that short time as an important adjustment period. It's supposed to be part of a gentle transition that, in retrospect, will not be remembered, but at the time, will make the changes easier for them to take; it's our attempt to make the news of our split as undramatic as possible.

Also, in my last post, I wrote about how well my mother-in-law took the news of our split. Her calm reaction was a big surprise to both Gabbie and I.

It turns out, she didn't think we were serious.

That changed two days later when Gabbie told her that she had found a new place and that she would be spending every other night there. The reality of renting a place made Mom realize that our split was not idle chat.

The shit hit the fan.

Fortunately I was not home at the time and I missed all of the horrible things her mother said about us. Gabbie spared me the details. Still, I am aware that it was one of those landmark conversations where her mother said many horrible things that Gabbie will never forget.

One thing that hurts, but I shouldn't be surprised about, is that I have made it to the top of Mommy's shit list. I have no idea what I've done that has made me the villain but apparently that's what I am. Mommy cannot understand why Gabbie has not already filed for divorce, that's how awful I am. As I said, I shouldn't be surprised. Blood is thicker than water so of course her mother is going to blame me.

Anyway, this whole loud and nasty conversation between Gabbie and her mother went on for nearly an hour over the phone. The two younger kids, John (13) and Rose (11), were home at the time and when Gabbie emerged from the bedroom following the telephone brawl, they asked her what was going on. I'm not sure what she said - it was nothing significant - but I do know she asked them what they heard. "Just you yelling at grandma." I wish it was otherwise, but Gabbie and her mother frequently fight and the kids are used to their bad behavior. To them, the argument was more intense than usual but still nothing shocking.

The fighting between Gabbie and her mother has been a life-time dynamic (Mommy wants absolute control, Gabbie desperately wants to be free of all control) but three decades of it gets tiresome. More and more lately Gabbie has tried to get her mother to relax so the two of them can patch things up quickly. That's what happened this time. A few hours after the first conversation Gabbie called her mother and begged her to be supportive at this difficult time. Mommy took those words to heart and calmed down. By the time I got home, the whole situation was as resolved as it was ever going to get. Mom even came over for dinner and we all played cards together afterward.

I no longer try to understand the love/hate dynamic. I just try to stay out of the middle of it.

***

Yesterday I came home from work to pick up Conrad (17) and take him to karate. He came running out of the house. Apparently he was in a big hurry.

As he got in the car he said, "Dad. I'm not happy about something. Rose and John just told me something really awful and I want to know if it's true or not. Are you and mom getting a divorce???"

Oh shit.

***

To make a long story short...Rose picked up another phone in the house during Gabbie's big fight with her mother. She overheard a piece of their conversation. She told John that same night what she had heard. The two of them told Conrad when he came home from school the next day, which was only an hour before I picked him up.

When Conrad ambushed me with that question I literally did not know what to say. What did he know? What did the younger kids know? Did I want to have this conversation with him now, in this way?

As I silently freaked out and scrambled to think of the best reply, Conrad took my silence and puzzled expression the wrong way. He assumed that I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't correct his error but I didn't confirm it either. Instead, I asked him exactly what happened and who told him what. By the time we got to our destination, he was seemed satisfied that I was going to call Gabbie and talk to her right away - which is exactly what I did.

She was, obviously, very distressed. But then she told me something that really made me panic. She told me that her mother and she had talked about EVERYTHING during the fight on the phone. That's shorthand for "My mother and I discussed your sexuality at length." Oh wow. Having the kids find out about our split by eavesdropping was bad enough. Now they might know I'm gay too?

As soon as Conrad and I returned home from karate, he cornered Gabbie and the two of them began 'the' conversation. I kept the other two kids busy so that Gabbie could question Conrad and find out exactly what the kids already knew.

It turns out, they didn't know much. After a few minutes I brought the other two kids into the room with Gabbie and Conrad and we all talked about what Rose had overheard. She could only recall specific words and phrases: "divorce" and "mommy's own place" and "keep it a secret from the kids." Thankfully there was no mention of sex. As we explained the situation, the younger kids didn't seem to be especially distressed. Conrad, however, was beside himself.

Once we got him calmed down we tried to emphasize a few key points: that we still love each other; that Gabbie will be home very often; that we'll continue to do many things together as a family; and, that other than Gabbie being away a few nights a week, nothing in their lives is going to change.

They seemed to take the news reasonably well. But the next few days will be the real test - who knows what unspoken fear, anger or resentment might come out.

After it was all over and the kids left the room, Gabbie and I both took a deep breath. What a stressful nightmare. We hugged tightly and exchanged 'I love yous'. Gabbie then said goodnight to the kids and left to spend the night alone in her new place.

I knew that keeping the kids in the dark was a short-term solution. Three weeks at the most, I figured. It turns out that thirty-six hours would have been a much more accurate guess.

***

Neither Gabbie nor I personally experienced divorce as children.

When I decided to have kids with Gabbie I made the firm commitment to myself that I would not bring children into a marriage that I knew was doomed from the start. It was only after we broke up and reunited that having children was something I wanted to do. When I think back to that commitment from 18 years ago, I feel sad and sickened to be in this situation. Truly, splitting up is not something I want to do.

Gabbie, on the other hand, has shown a quiet but steady determination to make our split permanent: she insisted on moving out; I wanted her to stay. She quickly found a new place; I was in no hurry for her to go. She wanted to tell her mom very quickly; I would have waited. Gabbie is relieved that the kids know; I feel like telling them has made the split irreversible.

It also makes me feel like a failure.

To say that I have mixed feelings is an understatement. It's good that Gabbie has been so determined to make this happen. If she wanted to cling to me as much as I want to cling to her we'd never get anywhere.

Making this change has been on-and-off stressful and depressing. It's so tempting to think about the future because that will (hopefully) be positive and uplifting. But on a rational level, I know that it's too soon to start dating. The month I've given myself to adjust and prepare really is essential, even if I often feel like I'm stuck in no-where-land, with nothing to motivate me to get out of bed every morning.

Ah, well.

A month isn't such a long time. I need it. I just have to be patient so that everyone can adjust. Brighter days are ahead, I'm sure.

Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.

Maybe Breaking Up Isn't So Hard to Do

2011-01-14T23:45:00.000-08:00

When you think about it, parents lie to their kids more often than almost anyone else:

The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny.

"You're not hurt!"

"Mommy and I are just wrestling!"

In the spirit of 'good' parental lying, Gabbie and I have decided to delay telling our kids that we're splitting up for as long as possible.

Instead we're going to say that mom's job has become so intense that she must sleep away from the house several nights a week.

Think they'll fall for it?

Fortunately they are all self-absorbed teenagers...and we all know how dumb they can be. Also, to make the lie seem more believable, Gabbie has decided to sleep at home every other night. (Any bets on how long that will last?)

With the kids temporarily handled, the dark cloud hanging over Gabbie and I has been the fear of telling her mother that we're separating. Mommy is so involved with our daily lives that she's like our third spouse; she expects to be consulted about every decision.

Neither Gabbie nor I have been expecting mom to take the news very well. In fact, before we told her we each guessed what her reaction would be. We both agreed: Angry!

It turns out that our fears were unfounded. Mommy did not freak out. There was no yelling, bitter recriminations or guilt-laden criticisms. For whatever reason, mom took the news in stride. I guess she wasn't surprised.

Without any major objections from Mommy and with the kids sent on a mental trip to Fantasyland, both Gabbie and I feel some sense of relief. Breaking up, so far at least, hasn't been that awful after all.

There's still plenty of people to be told, but to insulate the kids for as long as possible we're not in a hurry to tell anyone else.

Both of us are simultaneously excited and afraid about the change we're making. Gabbie seems to be a little more excited and I am a little more afraid. After spending my entire adult life with her it's hard to imagine not having her as my partner. Yet, being able to openly date men...it's a life-long dream that's about to come true.

Part of me can't wait to post my first on-line ad or to attend my first gay social event. Another part of me does not feel at all ready to let go of my old life. I'm trying to find an equilibrium between those two opposing forces.

I think I've done that by creating a plan:

Gabbie is moving out on Sunday. From then until the end of the month, I won't do anything differently. I need to take that time to adjust. Starting in February I will turn my focus toward the future. In anticipation of dating I'll buy some new clothes, maybe get an expensive haircut, take some pictures, write a dating profile, and figure out some ways to make gay friends. In a month, on February 15th, I'll take the plunge.

Who knows...maybe by mid-March I'll have had sex with a guy for the first time in eight years.

Wish me luck.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2011-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I said I was going to try to emotionally distance myself from my wife in order to begin the process of separating.

Well, she tolerated my "bad mood" for a few days and then started badgering me with questions like: "What's the matter with you?!!"

Because I didn't feel ready to talk, I resisted her questions for as long as I could. Eventually, of course, I gave in and we began our fourth major conversation in two months about our future together.

Conversation One happened in early November. It began when I asked Gabbie when she planned to be done with her loser 'friend' Charlie. It ended when she decided to move out, which was something she had repeatedly threatened to do over the previous two years.

Conversation Two happened a month later, in early December. Gabbie started that conversation by saying she had decided not to move out. The kids need her, she said. She thought we could make our mixed-orientation marriage work if we had a "best-friend" (aka sexless) marriage, and, if she got to keep Charlie.

Conversation Three happened on December 26th. I tried to explain to Gabbie that staying married for the sake of the kids was a bad choice. It was only delaying the inevitable and ensuring that we'd both be much older by the time the last kid left. I also tried to get her to understand that sex is an essential part of a partnership for me. She didn't get it. "It's just sex!" she snapped.

What bothered me most was that I viewed her decision to stay as being temporary and not related to any romantic interest in me. Her answer? "We don't know what will happen in the future. Besides, what's wrong with what we have now? Don't we enjoy spending time together?"

What she said was true and that made me doubt myself. The conversation ended when I gave up and said, "OK, you're right."

In the days that followed I tried, tried, tried to accept a best-friends marriage, or even to relax and enjoy each day as it came. But I failed miserably. Her solution, I felt in my gut, was the wrong answer. Yet I couldn't figure out what the right answer was either. Then, thanks to a comment from Austin, it became clear to me that my wife and I were scrambling to make an unworkable situation work.

The fourth conversation about the future of our marriage, which happened a few days ago, went on for quite a few hours. Early on I felt that I had successfully proven to her that our mutual good-intentions were indeed a path to hell. A number of financial examples from the past sealed the deal on that idea. But even as she seemed to agree that a best-friends marriage was a bad compromise, she still thought that splitting up was the wrong answer. She had three big objections.

First, she said we can't afford two households. My answer was that we would remain in the same house but still separate. "I can't do that! I can't be out with someone else and then come home and sleep in the same bed as you!"

I think I could easily live that way but she, apparently, cannot.

Her second objection was that she knows a multitude of women who are single and in their 40s or 50s. Most of them have no chance of ever finding a man. Why would she be any different?

I had to give her half of that point. In our area there are way more single women looking for men than vice versa. Of course, none of those women are as hot as Gabbie is. Besides, what about broke and homeless Charlie?

Gabbie's third objection to splitting up was very upsetting. She said, "How can I leave? All the kids will blame me. They'll all hate me."

She's right, they would blame her.

How can I ask my wife to 'let' her three children hate her because *I* can't live with a best-friends marriage? Does this mean that I have no choice but to come out to them?

I was about to ask Gabbie if that's what had to happen but instead she said that she was too tired to talk anymore. It was well past 1am. Before long, we both fell into a restless sleep.

I awoke about three hours later. As I replayed the conversation in my head, I felt like I was pushing her to leave. Yes, splitting up felt like the right thing to do, but I couldn't force her to leave.

If I didn't force her to leave, then what? Back down?

It took a long while, but I eventually fell back to sleep.

In the morning, it was slightly awkward. The conversation wasn't finished but we both had a lot to do in the morning; it was not a good time to talk. A big part of me wanted to tell her that we'd "make the best of it together" - but that would be giving in again.

We had been up about 45 minutes when out of the blue Gabbie said to me, "I'll move out. I'll find a small apartment."

Wow. That was not what I expected.

***

Gabbie made her decision to move out three days ago. In the first twelve hours that followed I felt really shitty, for a number of reasons. The biggest was that I worried that I had pushed her out.

But that night she made a few comments that seemed...slightly upbeat. The next day all of my guilt disappeared when, while saying good-bye to Charlie on the phone, she said, "Love ya" to him. I was two feet away from her and she knew it. She had never been that blatant before.

Apparently she honestly agrees that splitting up is for the best.

We've had no discussions about when she will actually move. Until she does, the whole idea is theoretical as far as I am concerned. And even if she does move, there's nothing that says she won't want to come back in a week, or a month. Eighteen years ago when I came out to her and I had my perfect boyfriend I had NO idea that we'd get back together within a few weeks.

And then there's the issue of my other wife, my mother-in-law. I suspect that a lot of the reason Gabbie decided not to move out in November was because her mother FORBADE her from doing so. We both know Mommy is going to flip out when Gabbie tells her. And, just as I have a near perfect record of giving in to Gabbie, she has a near perfect record of giving in to her mother.

Unquestionably, a monster battle of wills will take place. I don't have a lot of confidence that Gabbie will persevere, but we'll see.

Because the transition will take time and because I don't feel like anything is certain yet, I find that I am suddenly not at all interested in dating. For that to change, Gabbie will have to clearly have moved on. Only then will I be able to focus on someone other than her.

Still, it DOES feel good to finally make some progress, even it is very tentative.

As always, thanks for your support and kind comments.

Shoe-Horning

2011-01-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

Austin said, "You seem to be trying to push and shove and shoe-horn your life and the people in it into the 'ideal marriage' you want."

Although others have made similar comments, Austin's use of the word "shoe-horn" caused me to stop and think about exactly what he meant.

Shoe-horn.

It's a very visual word. When you say the word an image comes with it - a hand manipulating a shoe-horn, with increasing frustration, trying, trying, trying to make a foot fit into a shoe.

The wonderful thing about shoe-horning is that it usually works. Almost always you can make the shoe fit. It's an uncomfortable fit, perhaps causing you to walk strangely or to ache with each step. But the damn shoe is on the foot!

Occasionally, no amount of shoe-horning works. Fight and curse all you like, the foot will NOT fit into the shoe. This can be especially frustrating when the shoe always used to fit in the past. Why should it suddenly not fit any longer??

Thanks to Austin and shoe-horning, I finally get it.

Even if I can get the shoe back on my foot, that is, make my marriage functional again, every step I walk in that shoe is going to ache. The reality is what everyone has been trying to tell me - the shoe just doesn't fit any more.

***

I don't know if I have ever clearly expressed how emotionally bound I am to Gabbie. I grew up in an 'empty' household. Both of my parents are blank people; without color or depth or real emotion. I didn't have a bad childhood but I could not wait to leave them when I went to college. In fact, I only applied to colleges that were far, far away.

College was exceptional. Every moment was filled with color and depth and passion for learning and doing. I met plenty of superb people there, but when I met Gabbie on an overseas program at 20, she was different. She was extremely intelligent, yet nothing like the geeks I was used to. Most importantly, she had a vivacious zest for life that I found to be irresistible. She lived every emotion with such expressiveness that I felt alive like I never had before.

Even today, I find Gabbie's joy to be captivating. It's the drug of my life. I've needed to make her happy so that I could experience her joy, it was so much better than anything I could experience on my own.

For twenty-four years I have been wrapped up in Gabbie, without a lot of influence from others. I tried to escape from her once...but I found that I just couldn't do it. I have never wanted to escape since, even as I watched her fall in love with another man.

"Shoe-horn."

Both Gabbie and I know her love for me is no longer a romantic love. And, we both know she will never love me that way again, no matter how much I wish for that to happen. I must therefore accept the fact that our differences are truly irreconcilable; the shoe will never fit again.

Now what?

Neither of us can move ahead until we both recognize that the nature of our relationship must drastically change. Until I can make a permanent emotional break from her, I can't even handle being good friends. I think we both need to take a hard break from each other. I need to quit my Gabbie addiction, cold turkey. I can't make any progress if I can be seduced by warmth from her at any moment.

At the same time, I don't want to hide from her either. I need to develop a natural defense to her charms and I can't do that unless I am regularly tested. Plus, we have the children to rear.

Ever since Austin's comment caused my epiphany several days ago I have been trying to emotionally distance myself from Gabbie. Frequently I call her "my love" - I can't do that any more. When she lies next to me in bed, I want to cuddle with her and rub her back. No more of that. When she's out of the house I miss her. Not any more. All of this restraint is taking a lot of conscious effort right now and that's not easy. In time, I know it will get easier.

The most difficult task ahead of me is to explain all of this to Gabbie. I'm really, really terrible at putting my foot down with her. I worry that she's going to tell me I've got it all wrong; that what she wants will work.

But I know it won't, not for me. I have to be firm and resolute. Just as importantly, I have to get her to understand that we both must emotionally distance ourselves from each other. Neither of us can move ahead until that's done.

Telling Gabbie that we're irreconcilable...it's one of those ugly things I don't want to do. It would be so easy to drag my feet. But I have promised myself that the next time she starts talking about the future I'm going to tell her that we don't have a future together.

Some day, sooner rather than later, I hope, Gabbie will buzz into the house, say hello and tell me that she's going out on a romantic date with Charlie (or, better yet, someone I actually like) and I'll say, "OK." She won't feel guilty about leaving me at home and I won't be hurt or jealous.

In fact, I'll be happy because when that day happens because I'll know that our transition is over. No longer lovers frustrated that we can't make it all work, now friends who want nothing but happiness for each other, in our own separate lives.

I've always thought that I'd need the support of a partner to help me make the emotional break from Gabbie. But now I realize that I must handle the split entirely on my own. I need to be clear-headed before getting involved with someone new. Trying to do both at the same time is the wrong thing to do, for both him and me.

The kids. I hope to make our transition as transparent to them as possible. But at some point, they're going to notice. They've been oblivious to nearly all that has gone on in this year because they know that my emotional bond with Gabbie has remained strong. As we pull back from each other, they're going to notice the difference. I don't what I'm going to do about that yet. For as long as possible, we'll say nothing about the split. But clearly that's a temporary solution. We'll need to figure out exactly what to say, and when.

I'm sorry, ya'll, that it took me so long to understand. All this time people have been talking about fundamental differences; a gay man can NEVER be with a straight woman. None of that felt right to me. What did click was the mental picture of the shoe that *almost* fits, but never will.

Big thanks to Austin.

What My Wife Wants

2010-12-30T17:48:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, December 26th, my wife Gabbie spent most of the day out, shopping and socializing. The kids had new gadgets to entertain them. And I had little to do...except to worry about the impending conversation with my wife; the one where I was going to ask her permission to date men. As my previous post explains, I was certain it was not going to go well.

Too much alone-time had made me very melancholy by the time Gabbie came home.

Most of the time I can mask my mood if I'm down, but on very rare occasions, I'm so preoccupied with my thoughts that I'm afraid to open my mouth. I worry that I'll say exactly what's on my mind!

Gabbie knows me too well, however. She knows that the less I say, the more distressed I am. When that happens, she turns into an attack dog. She knows something really big is bothering me.

I wanted to wait until January, but we had the conversation.

It didn't go well. It didn't go poorly either.

The best news is that she knows it's her actions that have pushed me to this point. The worst news is that I don't know what else the conversation accomplished.

When I told her my primary complaint, which is that the only reason she is staying is because of the kids, she agreed it's true. "Without the kids, the three of us could work it out like adults." The 'three of us' refers to her, myself and Charlie.

She also said that she can't give Charlie up. I already knew that.

As you can see, we did well when it came to agreeing that my complaints are legitimate. The problem was, we couldn't agree on a solution.

She gave me a long lecture about why she shouldn't move out. The lecture was unnecessary, I told her. I don't want her to move out.

I tried to explain that I feel like an end-date for our marriage has been set and that I don't want to be 51 (my age when our youngest graduates from high school) and single. Her reply was that I shouldn't make any assumptions. I should take things as they come, one day at a time.

She added, "Don't you like that I'm home all the time now? Don't we enjoy spending time together?"

"Yes."

"Well, what's the problem then?!"

"I don't feel like I have a future. The kids will leave, you will leave and where will I be then? Old and ugly, just like my parents." We both agree that my parents, who are 64 and 63, have aged VERY poorly.

Her answer: "I'm as committed to you as I can be. No one knows what will happen in the future!"

GAH! There is no logical retort to that argument. Either I accept that logic or I argue that the future IS clear and therefore I MUST take action now. That would be pretty aggressive for me. So naturally, I said nothing.

The bottom line is, Gabbie thinks I should be content with the present and worry about the future when it happens. In the meantime, she loves me as much as ever and sex was never a big part of our relationship anyway. "It's just sex," she said. I wanted to argue that it is NOT just sex but...what's the point?

As you might suspect, based on what I've said so far, I never blatantly told her, "I want to date men." It was implied. It took a while but she eventually said that she'd support me, whatever I want to do. That meant: she wouldn't pitch a fit if I date others. Then, a short time later she asked me, in a very anxious voice, if I had "met anyone on the Internet?" I haven't, at least in the romantic sense she meant, so I said, "No." Clearly, she does not want me to date.

What she wants is for everything to stay as it is. We live in the same house, we sleep in the same bed, we never have sex - and we never will again. We're married and committed to each other, but she has her friend Charlie too, who she is in love with. Her accommodation to me is to keep Charlie out of our house as much as possible, and to be a present parent and spouse.

Is that a bad life for me? No. It's a pretty good life. I can do that on a day-to-day basis. So why should I object if that's what she wants?

The reason is, for purposes other than passing time, I feel like it's a farce. If we did not have the kids we would not be making this arrangement. She said that, not me. This means that if nothing changes our marriage has an end date, in seven years.

***

Now that I've had a few days to consider all that she said, the biggest question I have for myself is, can I let go of my worries about the future and be content with a day-to-day life that is focused on the kids and on my wife, who is present and who does love me? Also: can I feel secure that I'd have the same happy future if I start to date men at 51 as I would at 44? Or is there really very little difference?

And, of course, there is the 800lb. gorilla to consider, the kids. How can I ever say it's better for them if I start dating now, even if I do so discreetly?

I must make a decision that gives me confidence that I'm doing the right thing. That's the only way I can move ahead and stop worrying. But right now my head is swimming and my heart is an anchor.

I have got to chart a course out of this mess. To sort through my conflicting thoughts I am making a list of all the possible alternatives. I hope that the process of making the list will clear my mind.

I intend to post the list. I think I need help crossing off some unrealistic options.

Weighted and Down

2010-12-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

About a month ago my wife told me that she had decided not to leave me and our three kids.

I was a little surprised by her announcement; for the prior two years she had frequently threatened to leave. She often complained that she wanted to 'simplify her life' and only be responsible for herself.

The decision to stay, she said, is because the kids still need her. Also, it wouldn't be fair to dump sole responsibility for raising them on me.

I'm glad Gabbie decided to stay. But her reasons for doing so have not made me happy. Isn't she supposed to want to be with me?

I had hopes for much better news...

When Gabbie and I got married 20 years ago I knew I was gay. If I had not been pressured by her to marry so quickly I would have taken the time necessary to work through my very mixed feelings. Yes, I was sexually attracted to men but I also felt a very strong emotional connection to her.

Because I felt very pressured by her to get married, I eventually became resentful that I wasn't able to make the decision on my own. Two years into the marriage my resentfulness and too much time alone caused me to became preoccupied with finding a romantic relationship with a man. I found one very quickly. Within only a few hours of first meeting him, I left Gabbie to be with him and assumed my marriage was over.

But it wasn't. My boyfriend Jim was a great guy, a perfect guy, but after two months with him I realized that my emotional connection to Gabbie was far stronger than I originally thought. Entirely of my own free will, I decided to go back to Gabbie. It was a pivotal decision; ever since then I have been 100% committed to staying with her.

And that has been quite a commitment because the last year has been hell.

The quiet battle for Gabbie's heart that has been going on between me and unemployed, alcoholic Charlie is not something that I ever expected to end with a draw. I was always confident that she would either reject him and thereby become more committed than ever to me, or, she would leave me for him.

But Gabbie's decision to stay has really fucked with my head. What I want is a partner who wants to be with me. Normally that would be a man but my love for Gabbie has remained strong and true. She is the person I most want to spend my life with. To be told by her, in essence, that she wants to 'play house' and have a celibate marriage AND keep Charlie, well, it sucks. It makes me feel trapped and used and stupid.

Meanwhile, Gabbie feels much better about herself than she has in years. She barely drinks any more - in support of Charlie who is has been in AA for the first time ever - and she seldom goes out. From her point of view, she is now the dedicated working mother everyone expects her to be.

It's ironic that her return to normalcy has caused great despair to me. She likes the current status quo and I am tortured by it.

Clearly, we need to come to an agreement that works for both of us. And just as clearly, the need to make that happen is mine because she is content and I am not.

I have decided to wait until the first days of January to talk to her and to get her to recognize WHY I'm not happy and WHY she has given me no choice but to look for a new relationship.

About my potential relationship with a man, I need to explain a few things, as Gabbie understands them.

Gabbie knows that I label myself as gay. However, it's a very, very sensitive topic.

Dumping her at 2:30AM on a Friday night two years into our marriage created permanent scars. When we got back together I assumed that I could be open and honest. But I quickly learned that talking about anything gay was like sticking a sharp knife in her back. So, I stopped doing it. When she repeatedly asked if Jim and I had 'done anything' I lied. I would have preferred to be honest but clearly she could not handle the truth.

What all this means is that Gabbie believes I'm gay in thought but not in action. She thinks that my attraction to men is so weak that I'm too afraid to actually do anything about it. Um, wrong. I've had plenty of sex with men.

What is true is that in recent years I have realized that I don't 'need' sex with men. It's been nearly eight years since I've done anything sexual with a guy; hook-ups became empty and unsatisfying, 'friends with benefits' became more trouble than they were worth. I DO crave sex with a man, but only as part of a long-term, romantic relationship.

I've been pretty down for the last two weeks, in part because of the whole situation, but also because I haven't felt like the 'big' January conversation will not go well.

I feel like she will perceive my request to date men as undercutting our entire marriage JUST as she has recommitted herself to being a proper parent and partner. And as hypocritical as it might seem, I don't think she's going to think that my sexual relationship with a man is the same thing as her 'friendship' with Charlie.

I do not relish starting a conversation that I expect will go poorly, but I also feel that it cannot be avoided. I can't dedicate myself to a relationship when I know I am not genuinely wanted.

What I find most difficult is knowing what I want to say when (if) she reacts poorly. Do I back track or back down? Do I stand my ground or give her a Charlie-ultimatum?

It's all a mess in my head that I can't stop thinking about. And it's really, really weighing on me.

The Dark Side of Imaginary Gay Dating

2010-12-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

At a college reunion in June of 2009, a casual friend that I hadn't spoken to in years came out to me.

He had very recently divorced after twelve years of marriage. I felt tremendous sympathy for him because he has two young daughters, but his coming out left me speechless. I wanted to come out to him too but I just couldn't say the words.

The next twenty-four hours at the reunion were crazed. I never got the chance to pull him aside and share my news or ask him the questions I wanted to ask. What I most wanted to know was, how did coming out affect his relationship with his kids? And, how was he handling the transition into gay dating?

On the plane ride home I decided it could have been a mistake to come out to him. At the reunion he made a point of talking up gay pride at every opportunity. His zealousness made me nervous so I decided I would wait a month, then email him anonymously, and ask about his transition experience.

I followed that plan and we did exchange several emails. However he's a physician with a very demanding schedule because of his specialization. He kept promising he'd write something of substance but he never did. Eventually I gave up on him and instead did an Internet search for "married" and "coming out." That search brought me to blogging.

During the few months that I was waiting for his promised reply to my questions, I got bored and impatient. I started browsing gay dating sites like Gay.com and Match; I wondered if many men were divorced and looking.

Now, more than a year later, I think I have an addiction to browsing gay dating sites. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but given the fact that I don't want to meet or talk to anyone right now, why bother?

I'll tell you why: mostly, it makes me feel good about staying in the closet.

There are plenty of good looking guys out there. Many seem intelligent. And nearly everyone claims to have a diverse resume of interests and activities. The thing is, it's pretty rare that I read a profile that genuinely excites me - someone with whom I instinctively feel a strong, mutual connection is likely.

Within the last 15 months or so I've only read two profiles that have permanently etched themselves in my mind. With so few exciting possibilities it's easy for me to feel comfortable that I'm not missing much by staying in the closet.

I read the first guy's profile in July. Month after month I've checked his profile to see if it is still up and to see if he's made any changes. In October he changed all of his pictures and, I'm not sure exactly why, but I've convinced myself that he is now dating someone. Part of the reason might be because he never comes up automatically on OKCupid anymore.

I'm tempted to gush about him and explain why I find him so attractive. But I've decided not to do that because I'm embarrassed to act like Marcia Brady drooling over Davy Jones. (Too '70s for you?)

Last week OkCupid sent me three new matches. Now I have a new crush.

If I was a tennis racquet then this guy would be Andy Roddick; he could play me like a world class pro. The first time I read his profile I drooled so much I practically had to change my shirt.

Normally I avoid crushing on very good looking guys. I believe that relationships only work when both people are similarly intelligent and attractive. Dumb and smart don't work. Hot and ugly don't work.

Now, I don't think I'm ugly, but this guy is clearly out of my league. Normally I would dismiss him because he is too good looking. But practically every word of his profile made me swoon.

I read the profile four times before my fantasizing climaxed. It was a good fantasy, I assure you. But just like many real-life orgasms there's an emotional let down that follows the peak. This let down hit me hard.

The more I thought about it, the more depressed I got.

The least captivating part of his profile says, "I'm a professional fundraiser in the arts that spends a fair amount of time in the office and going to events, dinners, cocktail parties, and you name it. Put a glass of wine in my hand and I can talk to anyone about anything!"

Initially I thought, "Non-profit!!!!! Events!!!! And he has the same social talents that I admire so much in Gabbie!!!!" But later I realized...all I have to do is tell this guy I'm married and I have three kids and he'll never speak to me again.

In a stinging confirmation of my fears, I later discovered that he answered the survey question, "Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is 'seeing someone' or 'married'?" with "No to both."

Ouch.

Over the next several days I got more and more down about my situation. Would any guy whose characteristics and values I admire EVER consider dating a quasi-married guy like me?

No.

What kind of guys would be interested in me?

Freaks. Freaks who can't get dates with single guys.

Thinking about this problem put a dark cloud over me for days. There is no easy solution.

Eventually I dug myself out and decided that I can't get my undies in a wad worrying about fantasy men and fantasy relationships. There are only two solutions: accept that my options will be extremely limited, or, get divorced.

For now, I don't see dating men as a reason to divorce my wife.

Say what????

Yes, it's true. If she wants to divorce me, I'm ok with it. But at this time, I think I'd rather be in a weird, sexless marriage than be single and flailing around trying to date men. There may come a day when I believe that the benefits of divorce outweigh the benefits of staying married, but right now, I don't feel that way.

Making peace with the idea that crushing on Guy #2 is pointless has not been easy. Ultimately, I decided that it is MY choice to remain married and I therefore need to accept the consequences.

Even if that means dating freaks no single guy would consider.

Or, more likely, remaining celibate.

Because I have not attempted any actual dating I don't know if my perceived problem with being sort-of-married will be realized. If it is...if I really do face a choice between marriage and finding a guy who can understand my relationship with Gabbie...it's going to be a very difficult decision.

Quite honestly, unless there are some real-life prospects out there who say they'd drool over me the way I drool over them, if only I was single, my gay dating career might be unexpectedly brief.

It's such a gamble to throw away a lifetime partnership based on the 'hope' you will meet someone great. When I was younger, I liked to gamble. But after losing way too often, I stopped gambling many years ago.

What are my odds for success in the world of gay dating?

Does anyone care to venture a guess?

I Just Can't Do It

2010-12-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

What I desire most is a happy marriage. A wife who wants to be with me, her gay husband, both romantically and sexually.

I drew the proverbial line in the sand recently when I said, "If sex is 'Never!' ... then I'll put myself on the queer market."

A few days ago I tried to initiate sex with my wife for the first time in two months.

Her response:

"What are you doing?"

A thirty minute conversation followed. Sex did not.

"I know you're taking this personally," she said. "You think I'm rejected you. But, really, I'm just not that interested. I get hit on all the time by guys at the bar and I'm never interested in any of them. There's hardly anyone who interests me."

Hardly anyone.

Not: "no one" - "hardly" anyone. I *so* wanted to push her for clarification about who would interest her...but then I wondered if I'd like any answer she gave. Probably not. I decided not to ask.

Whatever.

The bottom line is that by not being able to fuck, I'm fucked.

Over and over the words repeat in my head..."sexless marriage"..."40 years without intimacy."

I wish I could either be content to masturbate forever, or, be happy to find a friend with benefits to fill the gap. But neither will work in the long run.

At this point, I'd rather jerk off than deal with all the headaches of a FWB. That means the most appealing option is a life of celibacy. I just can't do that.

My other condition for a 'happy marriage' is that Gabbie be honestly satisfied with me and only me. She's not there yet, but she's making progress. She spends so much more time talking to me and making plans for our future than she has in years. I really should be thrilled because I feel like I've regained the wife I had for the majority of my 20 year marriage. Instead, I feel anxious. Obviously she's settling down and is ready to see our lives return to 'normal'. But the no sex thing...I just can't do it.

I have been extremely patient as Gabbie has worked through her issues but when it comes to resolving my own problems, I want clarity as soon as possible. Gabbie and I need to have one last "big" conversation. It's going to be extremely difficult for me to say the words but I have to do it. I have to tell her that the resolution she has chosen for her own crisis does not work for me. It fills me with guilt to say that. For the both of us to go through so much and then to have me throw it into chaos again...it just seems cruel. But I will do it.

If I can't have a traditional, happy marriage then I want a happy, open one. One that is 'open' to polyamory not just momentary sexual thrills. At this point, I have absolutely no idea how she will react when I tell her.

Thinking about this conversation has dominated my thoughts for days and it's really getting me down. Basically, there's only one response from her that will make me happy - "Go for it" and anything else will create a big problem...just when things have been going so much better.

It's torture to think about fucking everything up again.

But I'm still going to do it.

To solidify my resolve I've decided to have the conversation in the first week of January. That would be the soonest I would date any men and right now Gabbie is very stressed by family holiday pressures.

I also have this secret wish that Charlie will fall off the wagon soon and that Gabbie will be forced to decide if she wants to stay involved with him and his drama.

If she can't give him up should he start drinking again it would be so much easier for me to TELL her what I'm going to do, rather than to ask for her permission.

If any of ya'll have advice or fresh perspectives on any of this, I'd love to hear it. Feel free to post comments or email.

Thanks for reading!

What I Want

2010-12-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Having sex with a woman goes against my natural inclinations. But when it happens I find pleasure and connection in it. Likewise, talking at length about 'what I want' goes against my natural inclinations. The difference is that, unlike sex with a woman, I DON'T find pleasure in writing about it.

What I'm saying is that I'd rather have a romp in the sack with my wife than write this post.

In several recent posts I have remarked that I'm tired of being on an emotional roller coaster when it comes to the fate of my marriage. A chorus of you have responded with the exactly same advice: the upheaval will not end until I decide what *I* want. This post is my response to your collective prodding.

Before I get into the substance of 'what I want', I should say that although I am posting this now I would have said exactly the same thing throughout the last eight years. None of this is new. The lack of novelty on the subject may be why I've never publicly outlined my wishes. I know what they are - do I need to tell everyone else? I guess I do!

***

What I'd like more than anything is for Gabbie to love me as a husband and for the two of us to remain happily married until one of us drops dead.

The 'happily married' part requires explanation. For me 'happily married' means that Gabbie feels fulfilled by me - no wanderlust and no need for an emotional or sexual relationship with Charlie, or any other man. 'Happily married' also requires sex. I'm gay. My hand and my dick are extremely well acquainted and have been for a very long time. It's a good match which I largely find to be fulfilling. The reason straight sex is so important to me has nothing to do with lust or with getting off, it's about the connection. When we lie in bed next to each other, that's nice, but there's still a separateness that eats at me. Only sex breaks the barriers and makes us one. To imagine many more decades of being together without sex - I can't do it. I can't take that kind of prolonged isolation.

A sexless marriage is hardly a novelty. "The solution is simple," you say, "Find a friend and have sex with him."

Been there, done that.

I've had three FWB arrangements and two were quite satisfying. All were with married men. You'd think the fact that I mostly enjoyed those relationships would mean that I'd be willing to consider another - but no, I don't want that.

A sexual friendship with a married man is a compromised relationship because wives are primary, as they should be. For me, sex and an emotional connection are now profoundly related. (Holy shit, I've turned into a woman.)

Perhaps I should no longer label myself as gay but as an 'emotasexual'. Share a deep emotional bond with me and you'll be the only person I want to fuck. And we'll fuck like bunnies.

FWB relationships have it all backwards. Sex dominates and emotions may - or may not - follow. Yes, a sexual friend could become someone who rocks my world, but honestly...how often does that happen? And more realistically - should I seek a FWB with the expectation that he will rock my world? Never. I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.

Given the fact that I'm an emotasexual and all my emotions are wrapped up in Gabbie, I will not and cannot take any actions that might cloud my mind. As a couple we are clearly stressed and the answer is to figure that out, not to add to the mess.

The emotional roller coaster was really making me nuts in November because, at long last, the end of her crisis appeared to be in sight. Finally, I hoped, I would know if she shared my desire to be happily married or not.

The answer? Still vague. She's not moving out so that's good but what most concerns me are my 'happily married' requirements. So far, Gabbie's reasons for staying have not been about me. And although she has talked about saving for retirement together she also said, "we'll see how it goes" when the last kid leaves in 7 years. Also, Charlie's importance to her continues even though she seldom sees him.

Some readers have told me that my relationship with Gabbie is dysfunctional; Gabbie is emotionally abusive to me and I should get out. Other readers have said that because I'm gay, the relationship will never work; the best solution is to end it sooner rather than later. I have considered those opinions carefully and there is some element of truth in both statements. The thing is, I love Gabbie and nothing she has done has felt like a betrayal. Her whole relationship with Charlie was something that happened, not something she sought, and she's told me all of the essential truths about it, as they happened.

I don't feel any need to emotionally end my commitment to Gabbie and unless or until I do, leaving her is not something I would ever consider. I don't feel trapped or powerless. The reason I have been extremely passive is because this is Gabbie's crisis and if I try to impose my will on her that will not address her central problems. She needs to work things out for herself and the best thing I can do is to minimize the distractions so that she can figure her shit out.

Because 'happily married' is in doubt I have thought about 'what I want' depending on what happens. She's decided she wants to stay, so that is no longer in doubt. What I still don't know is, is she emotionally committed to ME and if so, will we ever have sex again?

The sex question is a lot easier to answer. As I said above, sex is essential for me. Within the next month I plan to push for an answer about this. If she's content to have sex even a half dozen times a year, I could probably live with that. Is that so much for a homosexual - I mean - an emotasexual to ask?

If sex is "Never!" that implies an answer to the emotional commitment question. Should that be her answer (and I hope it won't be) then I'll put myself on the queer market. I'll be in big demand:

Married guy, 44, lives with his (sorta) ex-wife and three kids in the suburbs - would like to meet a man for a full-time emotasexual relationship.

What a joke I'll be.

If sex is a yes but Gabbie's emotional commitment remains vague because she can't dump Charlie...well, that would suck. By choice, I will remain in limbo as I ever-so-patiently wait for her to kick that asshole to the curb - or do the same to me.

So there you have it. The very exciting summary of 'what Cameron wants.'

I'm sure it was a scintillating read. Now, go find yourself some porn.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your concerns and comments!

The Decision

2010-12-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

A month ago my wife Gabbie told me that she was going to move out and leave our three kids with me to raise.

In the two weeks that followed, she changed her mind on a near-daily basis. Some days she was going to move, some days she was not. By the third week I was getting impatient with her indecisiveness. I felt stuck in no-man's land with no idea what might happen next. If she was going to leave, I wanted to begin preparing for that. If she was going to stay, I wanted to be clear about my expectations. Unable to wait any longer, I decided to push her for a 'final' answer by the end of that week. Then, a few days later, I changed my mind because I'm not ready to start dating men yet.

I've been hoping that she would come to a decision without any pressure from me, and this past Saturday, that is exactly what happened.

She began the conversation by saying, "I don't think it would be fair to you if you had to raise the kids yourself."

Then she added, "I really think that Rose [our youngest and only daughter, 11] needs me now. She needs a lot of attention. And she'll be hitting puberty soon. I'm sure you don't want to go through that alone."

No, it wouldn't be fair for me to raise the kids alone.

Yes, my daughter would probably prefer that her mother coach her through her first period.

"So I've decided that I'm not going to move out." She paused a few seconds and waited for me to respond. When I didn't, she said, "That's it.... OK?"

"OK. Yes. That's good." I answered, somewhat dazed.

Gabbie still had a lot to say. She told me how we'll "see how things go" as the kids get older; how she would never want to be married to anyone else - because she doesn't see any point in being married; how, even if we did separate, she'd keep me as the beneficiary on her life insurance and 401K (Gee, thanks.); how, if she moved out, Charlie - the alcoholic she's been having an emotional affair with - would assume they would be moving in together, yet, she didn't want that because it would be a one-sided arrangement.

About Charlie she said, "I could never live with him. Every day I would go off to work and what would he be doing? Maybe working, maybe not? He can't keep an apartment or a car now so what would be different if we lived together? All I would do is work to support him and that is never going to happen."

She spoke almost continuously for about twenty minutes. She paused sometimes, to see if I agreed with what she was saying, and mostly I did.

I was thrilled to finally hear conviction in her voice. At last, an answer!

And I knew it was a final answer because, well, I know her.

She delivered the news in her 'happy voice' which is always music to my ears. There's a certain lift in her voice when she's happy and unstressed. Good news always comes when she's using the happy voice.

And yet, her words did not fill me with much happiness.

Can you guess why?

She gave me two reasons for staying, both had to do with the kids. Not once did she say that she wanted to be with ME.

Also, in addition to the reasons to stay, she gave me a reason not to leave: Charlie would expect them to live together and that would not work for her, because he is so unreliable.

The more I thought about what she said, the more a certain phrase came seemed to accurately describe what she said.

A shit-filled Twinkie.

Have you ever heard of that?

A Twinkie is a sponge cake that comes with a tasty cream-filled center. Kids love them.

A shit-filled Twinkie is a euphemistic term that describes something that is delicious looking and sweet on the outside, but once you bite into it, you realize you've been fed a load of shit.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to keep my cool. And, regardless of how unsatisfying I found her reasons for staying to be, there was one crucial issue she had not addressed that I wanted an answer about, Charlie.

So I asked her, "What about Charlie? ... You know, I'd be perfectly happy to never see him again."

I had said exactly the same thing a month before when I began The Conversation about whether we should split up or not.

Of course, I've never liked him and I sometimes burn with an intense hatred for him. But dealing with him and the way Gabbie feels about him - there is no easy solution.

Some, including Gabbie's sister, say that the answer is clear: give Gabbie an ultimatum and obviously she'll pick me. But it's not that simple. First, Charlie can be a dangerous man. He's served time for a variety of offenses but the worst one was for involuntary manslaughter. He has never once backed away from a bar fight. He's physically very strong. And, Gabbie is the most important person in his life. Without her, he has nothing to lose. Is that the sort of man I want to anger? No. Restraining orders are wonderful things - if the cops get to the scene before the violence has been committed.

The second, bigger problem is that Gabbie loves him. Some people don't understand that telling someone not to love is not like waving a magic wand. Powerful emotions like love are not ruled by the logical mind. It's completely ridiculous that Gabbie should love a homeless, jobless alcoholic. She knows that. But she can't stay away from him, even when he says and does terrible things to her. The situation reminds me of Brokeback Mountain, when Jack says to Ennis, "I wish I knew how to quit you." When love hits you hard, quitting a bad situation can seem impossible.

Third, I see an ultimatum as a losing proposition. Because I will be imposing my will on both Charlie and Gabbie, I can expect to be challenged by one or both of them. I will win an initial challenge but that won't be the end of it. Keeping them separated is likely to require the police and is almost certainly going to create some nasty arguments. To this point, the kids have remained clueless about what's been going on. In a confrontation, I don't see how they could remain that way. So yes, ultimately she may cave and he might disappear but the kids will know what she has done. And then they will have no respect for her. When teenagers don't respect you, what do they do? Fight with you at every opportunity. Basically, the house would fall into total chaos with the kids on one side, Gabbie on the other and me trying to keep the peace. Some have said that my situation is dysfunctional. I don't believe it is, at least so far as the kids are concerned. But if they learn the truth, that will change. In the short run I might "win" but in the long run, I think we are all likely to suffer. Gabbie would not be able to handle the kids' hostility and she would leave.

Basically, I see an ultimatum as a way to blow the whole situation up and make everyone miserable. The only alternative, therefore, is for me to be patient. Charlie is a loser and a mess. It's only a matter of time before Gabbie gets sick of him and kicks him to the curb. At least that's what I think.

Back to my question to Gabbie: "What about Charlie?"

"Well, uh, what about him? We're friends and that's it. That's all he will ever be, I've told him that."

"Uh huh."

"He's doing really well you know." She was referring to his pledge to stop drinking. Charlie is 50 years old. His father was an abusive alcoholic who gave him his first drink at 9. Charlie has been drinking ever since. The only times he has quit drinking have been involuntary - he's been in jail. By coincidence (or not) Charlie went to his first AA meeting ever right before Gabbie and I had our breaking-up conversation a month ago. He's been on the wagon ever since, which is quite an amazing feat for a man would drink at least 20 pints a day, every day. I'm not sure exactly where his motivation to stop drinking suddenly came from, whether another alcoholic encouraged him to go, or whether being evicted from his apartment at the end of October had an impact, or maybe it's an attempt to win Gabbie over. Whatever the reason, Charlie has been 100% sober for a month.

Although his sobriety and friends-only status should make him less objectionable to me, a Charlie I never see again is the best kind of Charlie I can imagine. Gabbie knows this and so, in the last month, she's gone to great lengths to minimize his presence in her life, at least so far as I am aware. She seldom talks about him. I used to hear the two of them on the phone multiple times each day, now I might catch one brief conversation every other day. And best of all, I hardly have to see him. I think I've seen him four times in the last month, which is a huge improvement because I sometimes would have to see him four times a day.

What do all these details about Charlie mean?

They mean that Gabbie has told me she is not going to done with him any time soon.

Gah!!!!

In fact, what Gabbie's decision to stay actually means is that absolutely nothing has fundamentally changed in our situation. She staying for the kids, not me. Our future after the kids is uncertain. And, she's not giving up Charlie.

Give me a fucking break! You mean I'm supposed to be happy she's staying so that everything will stay exactly the same as it has been????

Clearly, I am not happy with her decision. But to what should I object? That she's not going to dump the kids on me? Or that she has a friendship with a recovering alcoholic?

***

Now that it's been two days since Gabbie told me her decision, I've calmed down - somewhat.

I feel like we've entered a trial reconciliation phase. Gabbie stopped leaving me at home every night a month ago and she's been trying to adjust to being a 'normal' mom ever since. It feels like she's trying too hard to make it work so it remains to be seen if she can stay domestic in the long-run.

Charlie's commitment to stop drinking seems destined to fail. He's not someone with a lot of self-discipline. I wonder: if he stays sober, does he become more appealing to Gabbie and therefore harder to get rid of? I tend to think, yes. But I don't worry much that he'll stay sober. Gabbie told me that she's not going to have another year like the last one; if Charlie starts drinking again she says she's done with him. I'll believe that when it happens.

Another big issue for me that Gabbie and I haven't discussed, at all, is sex. If I'm going to be married, sex on a regular basis must be part of it. The fact that I'm gay means my straight-sex expectations are low so it shouldn't be a huge issue for her. However, if she tells me that she's not interested in sex or not excited by me because I'm a fag, I will bluntly tell her that I'll be looking for someone else who is interested.

I don't think this trial phase is going to last too long. A few months at most. Within that time I think we'll both know if our destiny is to be a romantic couple - or a platonic one. In the meantime, I will continue to make myself more aesthetically pleasing to the gay world.

You might notice that what I want is conspicuously absent from this post. Actually, it's not. Here and in other posts from the last several months you can deduce what I want if you look at what I choose to talk about.

For those of you who are prefer a less cryptic answer, I will be explicitly stating what I want in the next post.

Thanks for reading.

Comments are both welcome and greatly appreciated.