"Men are for sex and women are for love."
You don't usually wake up one morning and have an epiphany that love and sex work best when split by gender. Instead it's an evolutionary process. That process can vary from man to man, but it often follows a common path:
1. An otherwise hetero guy, who may already be married, realizes that he has a sexual attraction to men.
2. The man tries to squash, deny, hide, run away from, and generally do whatever he can to make those evil man-sex thoughts go away. If the man is not already married, he often gets married, with the honest hope that marriage will banish his man-sex fantasies.
3. Depending on other aspects of life, thoughts about sex with men may wax and wane, but they do not go away. Years spent fighting the thoughts makes many men frustrated, anxious and unhappy. Ultimately, most give in to temptation. They might begin by chatting about sex with other men on-line. Then they might arrange a date to receive a blow job - which they will flake out on, at least once. Eventually they keep a date and have their first experience. From there, the exact progression differs but the result is the same: within months, years or decades, they become eager to hook-up with other men.
4. After the first few hook-ups there's a serious questioning stage. Am I straight? Am I bi? Am I gay? There are no statistics but my guess is that the proportion of married men who fool around with other men and then eventually come out as gay is relatively low, maybe 20%? I say this based on personal experience and because very few married guys on hook-up sites label themselves as gay. Most men seem to conclude this stage by accepting themselves as bisexual.
In my last post, I said that bisexual men can be divided into two groups. One group I called "Casanovas" because of their natural and effortless ability to make a woman feel wanted. Upon further reflection, I've decided that "Casanova" is a bad descriptor. It evokes the image of a skilled lady's man, someone with magical eyes and a seductive touch. In truth there's nothing especially romantic or alluring about bisexual men in the first group. They're completely average. They're only noteworthy because they have an unrestrained enthusiasm to 'get it on' with their wives, whereas bisexual men in the second group tend to need a kick-start when it comes to initiating marital sex.
"Unrestrained enthusiasm" and "tending to need a kick-start" are subjective ways of segregating the two types of married bisexual men. A better, more objective way to make the distinction is based how frequently they have sex with their wives. Men in the first group tend to have regular and frequent sex, while men in the second group tend to have sex on a hit-or-miss basis.
What's interesting is that most "Get it On" bisexuals can't relate to the whole "men are for sex and women are for love" thing. To them it seems like an unnecessary distinction. For one thing, women are just as sex-worthy as men, if not more so. And falling in love with a man? There's two schools of thought about that. Either it's completely off the man's radar - as in, that possibility has never once crossed his mind, or, he feels that love has nothing to do with gender. Love is love, man or woman.
Whichever way they feel about love, there is no vague middle ground, and that's what's distinctive about "Get it On" bisexual men - they aren't conflicted. Love and sex are simple; there's no need to make any rules.
"Kick-start" bisexuals are different. They don't have it so easy. Their relatively low level of sexual attraction to their wives compared to their increasing attraction to men causes a lot of internal conflict, frustration and anxiety. As internal pressures mount, they compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings. Over time, as compartmentalization takes hold, they morph from being a relatively happy, whole and complete man to a secretive, stressed and divided man. A man who becomes a two-sided coin: a devoted straight family man on one side and a horny, cum-loving, cock-sucking slut on the other.
"Men are for sex and women are for love" is compartmentalization. Compartmentalization masks conflict: the conflict between the man he used to be, and still is, mostly, and the man he has become. Bringing the two sides of himself together feels like an impossible task, and as such, the struggle between the two sides never ends. That makes for a life that can be lived, but not for a life that can be loved.
In the story that prompted this post, a bisexual man told his wife that he had no romantic interest in men. To prove that to her, he suggested inviting a man into their bed. She laughed at that idea. Undeterred, he offered another suggestion, that she accompany him to a gay bar. He was determined to prove his "men are for sex, not for love" point. Well, the gay bar turned out to be a disaster for him. Watching his eyes at the gay bar was all the proof his wife needed to become convinced that he would eventually fall in love with a man.
Just like the wives of divided bisexual married men everywhere, the woman in the story already knew there were big problems in her marriage. And lacking a clear reason for the problems, she blamed herself. Then her husband outed himself as bisexual. That opened her eyes. Not to the fact that he was a lying, cheating scum bag, but to the fact that there wasn't something inherently wrong or undesirable about her. Watching her husband ogle men at the gay bar was the final straw. In all their years together he had never once looked at her with the same depth of desire. She realized then what he did not - that he is a conflicted man who had built a wall between the two sides of himself. She also realized he would never find lasting happiness until that wall was torn down and he was no longer a divided man.
Encapsulated in this couple's story there are three monumentally important lessons for married and divided bisexual men everywhere:
First - Any conflicted man who thinks that he has successfully hidden his woes from his wife is mistaken. No, she doesn't know that you're bi and that you hook up with men, but she does know that there's something fundamentally wrong with your marriage. That fundamental problem is not your cheating. Rather, it's the reason that you cheat: you are a divided man. You cannot be happy with one person and that means you can never be happy with her. Deep down, she knows this.
Second - Because wives of conflicted men know on a deep and unspoken level that they are not enough to make their husband happy, they blame themselves. As they witness their husband's gradual withdrawal from them they become increasingly depressed, self-loathing and unmotivated. It deeply hurts them to feel so unwanted. Different wives respond differently to that hurt. Some withdraw. Some turn their attention to the children. Some take comfort in overeating or other bad habits. Others get bitchy and critical. Whatever the behavior, the cause is the same - they know they are not enough - and it hurts.
Third - Compartmentalization, having your cake and eating it too, and/or making the best of a compromised life are all ways to cope with being a conflicted man, but none of them will ever make you genuinely happy. In truth, they merely camouflage the landmines that lurk below the surface. Yes, a man can carefully and persistently dodge one mine after another, but time is not on his side. Major blow-ups are inevitable. Porn on computers, secret email accounts uncovered, phone calls and text messages at odd hours, unnecessary errands, an HIV positive diagnosis - these are but a few of the multitude of ways for the truth to be discovered. Any man who genuinely believes he can be a perfect liar for the rest of his life is only fooling himself. To err is human. Divided bisexual men are all too human.
What's the solution?
Overwhelmingly, conflicted bisexual men feel that because they married with good intentions and their attraction to men surfaced later in life they are destined to live as divided, marginally satisfied men. Coming out as bisexual (or worse, gay) does not solve the problem and cutting men out completely just isn't realistic. "Keep on keeping on" - that's the best they can do.
Well, maybe. For some, a lukewarm life of compromise might be the best answer. But far too many divided men are stuck in the narrow confines of their own thoughts. In a soon-to-come post I will offer some new perspectives that may help some men regain their dignity - and perhaps find genuine happiness again.
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
For Married Men on the Down Low
Here's a story, told from a straight wife's point of view.
He came out, said he was bisexual but preferred men more. After several months he said he missed his family (I had given birth to his son while we were separated), and that he was going to change and be only devoted to me and to the kids.
I said, come on back...I was very young, living with my parents, and had no idea what to do, having two tiny children to care for. I believed him.
He put up a good foil, appeared to be taking care of his family and changing his ways. But what was really happening was that he just got better at hiding.
For 16 years, I didn't trust him, and rightly so. He would disappear for long periods of time and always have an excuse. He would be distant.
Then the rejection of me physically and absence of any sort of desire for me wore me down. I would ask him point blank if he was seeing some guy, and he would look me in the eyes and tell me he was done with that.
After a lot of years, I didn't trust him OR believe him. Then I found the gay porn on the computer, and he had an excuse for that too. He went to a counselor "to help get over the guilt of what he did to me all those years ago." It didn't help. I don't even know if he actually went.
There was still the rejection, impotence, and disinterest in sex. I started seeing the glances and eyes meeting with other men when we were at the grocery store. He was late coming home from work many, many times and said he missed the train.
I felt trapped in a sham of a marriage, but he said he wasn't seeing anyone and never would.
He said these lies until he couldn't - a life insurance blood test revealed he had HIV. Even after that, he continued lying for another year. He said that he had gotten the virus from a man he had been with 16 years earlier. Even after I confronted him with the emails on craigslist, he laughed it off and said he never really acted on them, it was just talk.
After he disclosed the HIV, I gave him one last chance, and said I would try sex with a condom, but if I was too fearful I would stop. It became evident that night that he had absolutely no care to protect me from being exposed, and I stopped.
The whole truth came out a year after he disclosed the HIV. I found a secret email address, profiles and naked photos on gay websites, countless requests for hookups near his work and orgies on business trips.
Eventually he told me more of the story - that he had been promiscuous for our entire marriage and that he thought the HIV virus came from a stranger he met on the bus once, but he couldn't be sure.
A year after he left, as part of the divorce proceedings, I was given his financial statements during one month. In that one month alone there were several visits to gay bathhouses, massage parlors, and gay adult stores.
I know for a fact he hates condoms. I know he states he is clean on his gay website profiles. I don't believe his intent is to deliberately spread HIV for any specific purpose. It's more that he doesn't think about anyone but himself, and in so doing, has satisfied his own desires while spreading HIV. He thinks that he'll never see that man again, so who would know it was him?
I still don't think I have the whole story, and I don't want any more.
I suppose there are women who are dedicated enough to sacrifice having their own life for someone who isn't happy being with them, but I honestly haven't seen a lasting mixed orientation marriage ever. When the trust and belief are broken in the relationship, it just doesn't come back.
I have questions for women who suspect their husband is secretly meeting men for sex: What do you want out of your marriage, out of your future? Do you want to have to always question him and then wonder if he told you the truth? Do you want to have to continually wonder if he is being faithful? Do you wonder what he is thinking about when you are intimate with him? Do you feel trapped?
That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. It's hard, so hard. But you are the only one in that relationship who is looking out for you.
Sobering, isn't it?
He came out, said he was bisexual but preferred men more. After several months he said he missed his family (I had given birth to his son while we were separated), and that he was going to change and be only devoted to me and to the kids.
I said, come on back...I was very young, living with my parents, and had no idea what to do, having two tiny children to care for. I believed him.
He put up a good foil, appeared to be taking care of his family and changing his ways. But what was really happening was that he just got better at hiding.
For 16 years, I didn't trust him, and rightly so. He would disappear for long periods of time and always have an excuse. He would be distant.
Then the rejection of me physically and absence of any sort of desire for me wore me down. I would ask him point blank if he was seeing some guy, and he would look me in the eyes and tell me he was done with that.
After a lot of years, I didn't trust him OR believe him. Then I found the gay porn on the computer, and he had an excuse for that too. He went to a counselor "to help get over the guilt of what he did to me all those years ago." It didn't help. I don't even know if he actually went.
There was still the rejection, impotence, and disinterest in sex. I started seeing the glances and eyes meeting with other men when we were at the grocery store. He was late coming home from work many, many times and said he missed the train.
I felt trapped in a sham of a marriage, but he said he wasn't seeing anyone and never would.
He said these lies until he couldn't - a life insurance blood test revealed he had HIV. Even after that, he continued lying for another year. He said that he had gotten the virus from a man he had been with 16 years earlier. Even after I confronted him with the emails on craigslist, he laughed it off and said he never really acted on them, it was just talk.
After he disclosed the HIV, I gave him one last chance, and said I would try sex with a condom, but if I was too fearful I would stop. It became evident that night that he had absolutely no care to protect me from being exposed, and I stopped.
The whole truth came out a year after he disclosed the HIV. I found a secret email address, profiles and naked photos on gay websites, countless requests for hookups near his work and orgies on business trips.
Eventually he told me more of the story - that he had been promiscuous for our entire marriage and that he thought the HIV virus came from a stranger he met on the bus once, but he couldn't be sure.
A year after he left, as part of the divorce proceedings, I was given his financial statements during one month. In that one month alone there were several visits to gay bathhouses, massage parlors, and gay adult stores.
I know for a fact he hates condoms. I know he states he is clean on his gay website profiles. I don't believe his intent is to deliberately spread HIV for any specific purpose. It's more that he doesn't think about anyone but himself, and in so doing, has satisfied his own desires while spreading HIV. He thinks that he'll never see that man again, so who would know it was him?
I still don't think I have the whole story, and I don't want any more.
I suppose there are women who are dedicated enough to sacrifice having their own life for someone who isn't happy being with them, but I honestly haven't seen a lasting mixed orientation marriage ever. When the trust and belief are broken in the relationship, it just doesn't come back.
I have questions for women who suspect their husband is secretly meeting men for sex: What do you want out of your marriage, out of your future? Do you want to have to always question him and then wonder if he told you the truth? Do you want to have to continually wonder if he is being faithful? Do you wonder what he is thinking about when you are intimate with him? Do you feel trapped?
That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. It's hard, so hard. But you are the only one in that relationship who is looking out for you.
Sobering, isn't it?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Married Men on the Down Low
Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and many other websites are loaded with married men who are looking for casual sex with other men. "No strings attached." "Safe sex."
If you're bi and married, a down-low hook up every once in a while is a good way to take the edge off, to keep yourself content and well-balanced. If you're careful and safe, it's no big deal, right?
I haven't done anything sexual with a guy in more than eight years. My last NSA hook-up was a few years before that; I'm rusty and out of practice. But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man.
What I never spent much time thinking about was my wife. Honestly, she didn't seem that relevant. Meeting a guy was completely different than being with her. Day and night. Two different worlds that, really, had nothing to do with each other. I felt that as long as I was safe and didn't get caught, no one would be hurt and I'd ultimately be a happier guy and therefore a better husband.
No one keeps statistics, but I'm sure it is literally an every day occurrence that a stunned wife discovers evidence that her husband has been meeting other men for casual sex.
As some wives try to wrap their heads around what they have discovered, they sometimes look to other women who have found themselves in the same situation. As a formerly cheating married man, when I came across the advice these women give to each other, I found it to be absolutely fascinating. Here is one example:
"When I found out quite by accident a couple of months ago, that my husband was concealing his one night stands with gay men, I was wounded to the core. The deception! The lies! The extreme disrespect! The trashing of our family--I so hated him for all of it that I could barely bring myself to look at him.
"At the exact same time, I was (and am) terrified of being alone, not sure how I and our child will survive financially, and, yes have serious doubts about my ability to find and attract a new man. I also now DO look at him and sometimes see the handsome, smart man that had attracted me to begin with more than 2 decades ago.
"BUT--and here is the hopeful part--my anger and resentment at his complete disregard for me, and his almost unbelievably glib pack of lies (that continue to this day) has FUELED ME TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LEVEL--and this can happen to you, too.
"If you have any shred of self respect left, you have some anger in there because you have been deeply disrespected--and you know in your heart that you cannot live with a man who sneaks out for gay sex, lies to you without remorse and cannot give you the love that you need.
"That man that you 'love' has treated you like shit. We wove some dreams around these men that said more about our desire to love, our desire to have a wonderful family, our desire for love and stability than it ever said about the actual person we have been married to.
"I think I have been married to a composite of my own desires and have not seen the self-centered, uncaring person who does not, and cannot love me.
"So, what I am getting to is this--try to look at him objectively--is he a good man, a decent man, someone you can happily partner with, going forward?
"My answer was NO! Picture him meeting up with his gay sex partners, cleaning himself up afterwards and then plopping down at the dinner table with you and your kids.
"CAN YOU REALLY DEAL WITH THIS? SHOULD YOU? IS THIS REALLY LOVE YOU FEEL, OR A COMBINATION OF LOSS, GRIEF AND NEEDINESS?
"If not, save all of that good love for someone who will return it."
As I reflected on this I thought: I've always been a good man, a loving man, a decent man. Of course I love my wife. Surely the husband of this woman is someone far worse than me. Surely what I have done is not nearly as bad as what that man has done.
That's why it was acceptable for me to cheat.
And that's why it's acceptable for others like me to cheat - all those thousands of married men who are logged on to Manhunt and Adam4Adam right now.
It's something to think about.
If you're bi and married, a down-low hook up every once in a while is a good way to take the edge off, to keep yourself content and well-balanced. If you're careful and safe, it's no big deal, right?
I haven't done anything sexual with a guy in more than eight years. My last NSA hook-up was a few years before that; I'm rusty and out of practice. But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man.
What I never spent much time thinking about was my wife. Honestly, she didn't seem that relevant. Meeting a guy was completely different than being with her. Day and night. Two different worlds that, really, had nothing to do with each other. I felt that as long as I was safe and didn't get caught, no one would be hurt and I'd ultimately be a happier guy and therefore a better husband.
No one keeps statistics, but I'm sure it is literally an every day occurrence that a stunned wife discovers evidence that her husband has been meeting other men for casual sex.
As some wives try to wrap their heads around what they have discovered, they sometimes look to other women who have found themselves in the same situation. As a formerly cheating married man, when I came across the advice these women give to each other, I found it to be absolutely fascinating. Here is one example:
"When I found out quite by accident a couple of months ago, that my husband was concealing his one night stands with gay men, I was wounded to the core. The deception! The lies! The extreme disrespect! The trashing of our family--I so hated him for all of it that I could barely bring myself to look at him.
"At the exact same time, I was (and am) terrified of being alone, not sure how I and our child will survive financially, and, yes have serious doubts about my ability to find and attract a new man. I also now DO look at him and sometimes see the handsome, smart man that had attracted me to begin with more than 2 decades ago.
"BUT--and here is the hopeful part--my anger and resentment at his complete disregard for me, and his almost unbelievably glib pack of lies (that continue to this day) has FUELED ME TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LEVEL--and this can happen to you, too.
"If you have any shred of self respect left, you have some anger in there because you have been deeply disrespected--and you know in your heart that you cannot live with a man who sneaks out for gay sex, lies to you without remorse and cannot give you the love that you need.
"That man that you 'love' has treated you like shit. We wove some dreams around these men that said more about our desire to love, our desire to have a wonderful family, our desire for love and stability than it ever said about the actual person we have been married to.
"I think I have been married to a composite of my own desires and have not seen the self-centered, uncaring person who does not, and cannot love me.
"So, what I am getting to is this--try to look at him objectively--is he a good man, a decent man, someone you can happily partner with, going forward?
"My answer was NO! Picture him meeting up with his gay sex partners, cleaning himself up afterwards and then plopping down at the dinner table with you and your kids.
"CAN YOU REALLY DEAL WITH THIS? SHOULD YOU? IS THIS REALLY LOVE YOU FEEL, OR A COMBINATION OF LOSS, GRIEF AND NEEDINESS?
"If not, save all of that good love for someone who will return it."
As I reflected on this I thought: I've always been a good man, a loving man, a decent man. Of course I love my wife. Surely the husband of this woman is someone far worse than me. Surely what I have done is not nearly as bad as what that man has done.
That's why it was acceptable for me to cheat.
And that's why it's acceptable for others like me to cheat - all those thousands of married men who are logged on to Manhunt and Adam4Adam right now.
It's something to think about.
Labels:
bisexual,
casual sex,
coming out,
divorce,
gay,
hook ups,
married
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
What Straight Wives Think
This blog and most of the blogs I have listed on the right are written by gay or bi men who are, or were, married.
For the most part these men represent my social circle. We're a somewhat geographically diverse group but other than that, we're pretty homo(geneous).
A few months ago I wanted some opinions about my situation that came from a different perspective - straight wives. I found an open, anonymous on-line forum mostly populated by such, so I posted about my situation and asked for opinions. Boy did I get some!
Ever since reading those replies I have been fascinated by the straight wife's perspective. Because my wife preferred to pretend I was not gay when I came out to her, she and I never really talked about how she felt. And it's not like there are a lot of blogs written from the straight wife's perspective. Although I am very familiar with the man's point of view, getting an insight into what women really think has been extremely fascinating and very educational.
People and situations are different so I have to be careful here not to over-generalize. I'm sure that the reactions of straight wives to their husbands' coming out run the whole gamut from violent outrage to genuine joy. With that said, here are some common feelings expressed by straight wives I've come to know:
1. One of the biggest reasons married men hesitate to come out to their wives is because they fear being rejected because of their sexuality. I have learned that most intelligent, educated women (i.e., those that take the time to participate in a certain on-line forum) are not nearly so upset about their husband's declaration as they are about the lies that may have proceeded it. Lies are the BIG SIN not being gay or bi.
2. Timing is extremely important, but not necessarily in the way that first comes to mind. When you're in the closet and thinking about coming out, the tendency is to obsess about the exact circumstances as to when you're going to drop the bomb. Yes, exact timing matters. But what's most important to the straight wife is to be told AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The longer the delay, the longer you've lied and the more upset she is likely to be.
3. Closeted husbands tend to obsess about whether they will be rejected and sent packing just hours after coming out. Yes, that does happen, but far more often the straight spouse wants to preserve the marriage. In fact, more often that not, the wife will engage in a whole range of selfless behaviors in an effort to "save" the marriage. How the wife's efforts are received by the husband can have major implications for their future relationship, regardless of whether they stay married or not. Insensitive and selfish behavior on the husband's part soon after coming out is the best way to turn a cordial relationship into a multi-year nightmare.
4. The bi or gay husband's desire to be "understood" is often the most painful part of the coming out conversation for his wife. After keeping his feelings pent up for years, the natural desire is to engage in a few rounds of verbal diarrhea about the misery of being isolated and depressed while in the closet. It's easy to confuse "being honest" with "too much information." Although wives DO want to know where your penis has been, they're only interested in a heavily abridged Reader's Digest version of your suffering. The part of the story they are most interested in is...what does this mean to me????
5. After the initial shock of the news wears off and the wife is left to figure out what she is supposed to do with her life, the very biggest issues for her come down to the husband taking responsibility for his behavior. Stopping the lies is a key part of that but it is only the beginning. Taking responsibility means not blaming others (especially the wife; straight wives don't change our sexuality, they cannot be held responsible for the way we were born), to be man enough to wade through the inevitable shit that happens when the kids, family and friends find out, and to show some genuine compassion for the financial situation in which you leave your wife.
I don't know if others find the straight wife's perspective as interesting as I do. I hope some of you do because I have a few more posts in mind about them and also about remaining married after disclosure.
For the most part these men represent my social circle. We're a somewhat geographically diverse group but other than that, we're pretty homo(geneous).
A few months ago I wanted some opinions about my situation that came from a different perspective - straight wives. I found an open, anonymous on-line forum mostly populated by such, so I posted about my situation and asked for opinions. Boy did I get some!
Ever since reading those replies I have been fascinated by the straight wife's perspective. Because my wife preferred to pretend I was not gay when I came out to her, she and I never really talked about how she felt. And it's not like there are a lot of blogs written from the straight wife's perspective. Although I am very familiar with the man's point of view, getting an insight into what women really think has been extremely fascinating and very educational.
People and situations are different so I have to be careful here not to over-generalize. I'm sure that the reactions of straight wives to their husbands' coming out run the whole gamut from violent outrage to genuine joy. With that said, here are some common feelings expressed by straight wives I've come to know:
1. One of the biggest reasons married men hesitate to come out to their wives is because they fear being rejected because of their sexuality. I have learned that most intelligent, educated women (i.e., those that take the time to participate in a certain on-line forum) are not nearly so upset about their husband's declaration as they are about the lies that may have proceeded it. Lies are the BIG SIN not being gay or bi.
2. Timing is extremely important, but not necessarily in the way that first comes to mind. When you're in the closet and thinking about coming out, the tendency is to obsess about the exact circumstances as to when you're going to drop the bomb. Yes, exact timing matters. But what's most important to the straight wife is to be told AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The longer the delay, the longer you've lied and the more upset she is likely to be.
3. Closeted husbands tend to obsess about whether they will be rejected and sent packing just hours after coming out. Yes, that does happen, but far more often the straight spouse wants to preserve the marriage. In fact, more often that not, the wife will engage in a whole range of selfless behaviors in an effort to "save" the marriage. How the wife's efforts are received by the husband can have major implications for their future relationship, regardless of whether they stay married or not. Insensitive and selfish behavior on the husband's part soon after coming out is the best way to turn a cordial relationship into a multi-year nightmare.
4. The bi or gay husband's desire to be "understood" is often the most painful part of the coming out conversation for his wife. After keeping his feelings pent up for years, the natural desire is to engage in a few rounds of verbal diarrhea about the misery of being isolated and depressed while in the closet. It's easy to confuse "being honest" with "too much information." Although wives DO want to know where your penis has been, they're only interested in a heavily abridged Reader's Digest version of your suffering. The part of the story they are most interested in is...what does this mean to me????
5. After the initial shock of the news wears off and the wife is left to figure out what she is supposed to do with her life, the very biggest issues for her come down to the husband taking responsibility for his behavior. Stopping the lies is a key part of that but it is only the beginning. Taking responsibility means not blaming others (especially the wife; straight wives don't change our sexuality, they cannot be held responsible for the way we were born), to be man enough to wade through the inevitable shit that happens when the kids, family and friends find out, and to show some genuine compassion for the financial situation in which you leave your wife.
I don't know if others find the straight wife's perspective as interesting as I do. I hope some of you do because I have a few more posts in mind about them and also about remaining married after disclosure.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Closeted Married Men
A kind and thoughtful reader, A Guy Stuck in the Aerospace World, recently made the following comment:
"Being out...is the only way to live otherwise, yes you are wasting your time. You said youre doing it for your kids, why? You said its because you hope maybe your relationship with your wife will improve, it won't. Maintaining a status quo to protect the happiness of someone else isn't living or even self sacrifice, I would compare it to self destruction. ... Even tho you may not end up with an ideal adonis type mate you will find someone and if not, well you lived your life honestly in the end and that's the way we enter this world. Naked and Honest."
The comment was directed to me but I think the sentiment represents how many out gay men feel about closeted married men: the only way to be happy is to be out.
For the typical out gay man, his sexuality defines him. His self-image, his day-to-day activities, his friends, his thoughts - all of those things are intimately and inexorably tied to his sexuality.
For the typical closeted man, his sexuality does not define him. Instead he is defined by other roles and priorities. Many closeted married men are not gay men in waiting. They are men who have decided to make other parts of themselves priorities instead of their sexuality.
Most closeted married men are bisexual. Many grew up with an image of themselves as straight men. When they come to recognize and accept their attraction to men it is an add-on to their sexual attraction to women. One does not replace the other. The idea of fundamentally changing their self-image based on an additional sexual attraction is not a priority. The attraction to women, and all the other choices in life that flow from that, cannot be instantly and irreparably changed. Nor is there a desire to do so.
A smaller number of closeted married men are gay. Many of those are closeted because of fear. They fear being rejected by their friends and families.
Others are closeted for the same reason bisexual married men are closeted - other parts of themselves and their lives are more important priorities than their sexuality. The two primary ones are career and parenthood. In my case it's parenthood.
Whole books are written about parenting but to greatly simplify the subject I will say that there are at least two levels of parenting. There's the caregiver level where you are involved in all or most of the daily activities of the child and there's the provider level where you're not nearly involved with day-to-day activities but you still have an on-going commitment. Many men play the provider role and that level is quite challenging and rewarding on its own. However, the intensity is no where near the caregiver level. A caregiver parent lives in a world of selfless sacrifice and humility - that's what it takes to raise a child.
Being the primary caregiver is one of those experiences where you cannot truly understand what it is like until you actually do it yourself, full-time, for an extended period.
As a caregiver parent you spend most of your life tending to the basic needs of your children. When you are not feeding them or cleaning up after them you are tending to their minute-by-minute needs. It's neither fun nor glamorous work. And throughout each day, week, month and year, you have to strive to raise your children. You have to instill values, a work ethic, empathy for others. You have to help them help themselves by encouraging them to be independent, to be open to acquiring new skills, and to take responsibility for themselves and what they do.
I could go on and on, in a vain attempt to explain the tremendous responsibility involved in being the go-to parent. There are plenty of joys - the greatest joys of life - but mostly, being a caregiver requires that you give of yourself until you know of no other way to live.
I have spent more than 16 years caring for my children. They are not spoiled with material things but they are spoiled by their carefree lives. In recent years I have been coaching my oldest in an attempt to get him ready for real-life responsibilities. He has a long way yet to go. The two younger ones spend most of their day acting silly, as children their age should.
Unless you have cared for your own children, I don't think you can realize how fundamentally wrong it feels to contemplate a selfish action that would shatter the world of innocent, playful children.
Coming out may seem like the best answer for every closeted married man but often it's just not that simple. More than happiness, it's a matter of responsibility.
Timing and circumstances can make all the difference. Two bloggers with school-age children who have come out to their wives within the past year are Jim of Conflicting Clarity and NewLeaf of My Travels Out of the Closet. I know that both of these men are fantastic fathers. I also know that both of them have amazing, supportive wives. The children may be vaguely aware of the change in the relationship between their parents but their worlds have not been turned upside down and their innocence remains in tact. Only NewLeaf and Jim can answer but I wonder if either of them would have come out at this time if they felt that doing so would be traumatic for their kids.
As extremely supportive as their wives have been, both men are changing their day-to-day lives very gradually. I think both families serve as good examples of how to positively transition from a traditional marriage to something more evolved.
I don't know what I want to do for myself. But I do know that I MUST do the right thing by my children. And like most aspects of parenting, that means putting their welfare ahead of my own.
"Being out...is the only way to live otherwise, yes you are wasting your time. You said youre doing it for your kids, why? You said its because you hope maybe your relationship with your wife will improve, it won't. Maintaining a status quo to protect the happiness of someone else isn't living or even self sacrifice, I would compare it to self destruction. ... Even tho you may not end up with an ideal adonis type mate you will find someone and if not, well you lived your life honestly in the end and that's the way we enter this world. Naked and Honest."
The comment was directed to me but I think the sentiment represents how many out gay men feel about closeted married men: the only way to be happy is to be out.
For the typical out gay man, his sexuality defines him. His self-image, his day-to-day activities, his friends, his thoughts - all of those things are intimately and inexorably tied to his sexuality.
For the typical closeted man, his sexuality does not define him. Instead he is defined by other roles and priorities. Many closeted married men are not gay men in waiting. They are men who have decided to make other parts of themselves priorities instead of their sexuality.
Most closeted married men are bisexual. Many grew up with an image of themselves as straight men. When they come to recognize and accept their attraction to men it is an add-on to their sexual attraction to women. One does not replace the other. The idea of fundamentally changing their self-image based on an additional sexual attraction is not a priority. The attraction to women, and all the other choices in life that flow from that, cannot be instantly and irreparably changed. Nor is there a desire to do so.
A smaller number of closeted married men are gay. Many of those are closeted because of fear. They fear being rejected by their friends and families.
Others are closeted for the same reason bisexual married men are closeted - other parts of themselves and their lives are more important priorities than their sexuality. The two primary ones are career and parenthood. In my case it's parenthood.
Whole books are written about parenting but to greatly simplify the subject I will say that there are at least two levels of parenting. There's the caregiver level where you are involved in all or most of the daily activities of the child and there's the provider level where you're not nearly involved with day-to-day activities but you still have an on-going commitment. Many men play the provider role and that level is quite challenging and rewarding on its own. However, the intensity is no where near the caregiver level. A caregiver parent lives in a world of selfless sacrifice and humility - that's what it takes to raise a child.
Being the primary caregiver is one of those experiences where you cannot truly understand what it is like until you actually do it yourself, full-time, for an extended period.
As a caregiver parent you spend most of your life tending to the basic needs of your children. When you are not feeding them or cleaning up after them you are tending to their minute-by-minute needs. It's neither fun nor glamorous work. And throughout each day, week, month and year, you have to strive to raise your children. You have to instill values, a work ethic, empathy for others. You have to help them help themselves by encouraging them to be independent, to be open to acquiring new skills, and to take responsibility for themselves and what they do.
I could go on and on, in a vain attempt to explain the tremendous responsibility involved in being the go-to parent. There are plenty of joys - the greatest joys of life - but mostly, being a caregiver requires that you give of yourself until you know of no other way to live.
I have spent more than 16 years caring for my children. They are not spoiled with material things but they are spoiled by their carefree lives. In recent years I have been coaching my oldest in an attempt to get him ready for real-life responsibilities. He has a long way yet to go. The two younger ones spend most of their day acting silly, as children their age should.
Unless you have cared for your own children, I don't think you can realize how fundamentally wrong it feels to contemplate a selfish action that would shatter the world of innocent, playful children.
Coming out may seem like the best answer for every closeted married man but often it's just not that simple. More than happiness, it's a matter of responsibility.
Timing and circumstances can make all the difference. Two bloggers with school-age children who have come out to their wives within the past year are Jim of Conflicting Clarity and NewLeaf of My Travels Out of the Closet. I know that both of these men are fantastic fathers. I also know that both of them have amazing, supportive wives. The children may be vaguely aware of the change in the relationship between their parents but their worlds have not been turned upside down and their innocence remains in tact. Only NewLeaf and Jim can answer but I wonder if either of them would have come out at this time if they felt that doing so would be traumatic for their kids.
As extremely supportive as their wives have been, both men are changing their day-to-day lives very gradually. I think both families serve as good examples of how to positively transition from a traditional marriage to something more evolved.
I don't know what I want to do for myself. But I do know that I MUST do the right thing by my children. And like most aspects of parenting, that means putting their welfare ahead of my own.
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