Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Crazed and exhausted from desire

I'm plagued by endless thoughts and fantasies, all of them about Jon.

I've been in a state of constant desire for more than a month.  It's been so intense that I'm physically exhausted.  I wish the fantasies would stop; I want off this ride!

I often wonder if my Jon-infatuation is nothing more than desperation.  I have, after all, been celibate for more than two years.  But then I think about the numerous times when our eyes locked and I felt a deep connection.  I also think about our awesome ninety minute conversation.  It was such an intimate experience for me...how could it have been hum-drum for him?  There must be something going on between us, right?  I can't be this obsessed for no reason.
Meet-up groups - much better than bars

The uncertainty of the situation is driving me crazy.  I'm desperate for a resolution.

With the holidays rapidly approaching I knew I'd only have one opportunity to get clarity with Jon before the new year.  I also knew that I didn't have the stamina to endure another month of emotional edging.  For these reasons I was DETERMINED to make my attraction known to him at our next social event.  When the day arrived, I felt so burdened by desire that I almost didn't care what his reaction was, I just wanted to say the words and get them out of my head.

Here's what happened:

I did a reasonably good job of preparing myself in advance.  By that I mean I felt in control.  The last thing I wanted was to appear needy or crazed.  So, as much as I wanted to run up to him, grab his face and passionately start making out the second I saw him, I kept my cool.  In fact, I did my best to ignore him.  I said hi to nearly every other friend; I avoided walking in his direction; and, I tried not to look at him.  I acted that way because I didn't want to be pathetic, but also because I wanted to observe him.  Did he look my way often?  How long would it take for him to approach me?

It turned out that he's a very stubborn (or very shy, or very disinterested) little prick.  He mirrored my behavior.  He subtly avoided me just as much as I subtly avoided him.  Eventually it got to the point where it was borderline awkward.  He was standing with his back half-turned toward me and I was "busy" looking anywhere but at him.  It was a stand-off to see who would say hello first and set the tone between us.  I was determined to win...but the longer I waited, the more aware I became of a magnetic energy pulling me toward him.  I might have imagined this, but I think he felt it too.  I say this because we both hesitated where we were standing...and then slowly gravitated toward each other...all the while acting preoccupied and oblivious.  At least I was acting that way.

I spoke first, deep from my diaphragm, with my chest puffed out.  If I could've gotten away with saying something as inane as "What's up, bro?" I would have.  Instead I went with, "How are you?  What's goin' on?"

The conversation was relaxed and friendly, but also mundane.  I felt I had to be guarded.  I worried that if I talked too much I'd start to gush and that would be bad.  It was too early in the evening to get into anything.

We didn't talk alone for long.  Several other friends arrived at the party and quickly joined us.  Then the "Tom and Cameron Show" began.

One of my friends, Tom, is what I call "a trouble maker."  He's very funny.  He says slightly outrageous things but in a dead-pan way.  When you first meet him, it's hard to tell whether he's being serious or not.  Now that I know his schtick, I sometimes play along or I sometimes call him on his lies.  The two of us can really get into it, especially if we have an audience:

Tom: "I went to a naked pool party last weekend, but I wore my conservative speedo.  The one with the four inch waistband."

Cameron: "Your conservative speedo?  I didn't think you owned such a thing.  I always think of you as more of a two inch man."

Tom: "How can you say that!  I'm a good Catholic and practically a virgin.  What kind of man do you think I am?!!"

Cameron: "Yes, I know, you're almost a virgin - and you're very shy too.  Especially when you go to naked pool parties nearly every weekend."

Tom: "I'm a very popular guy - I can't help it.  Everybody wants to be with me."

Cameron: "I believe you.  Especially when you're wearing your conservative speedo.  You're such a tease."

Etc, etc.

We can go back and forth for a long while, mostly because Tom is relentless.  Lately he's started getting physical. He'll show off his flat stomach, he'll pinch my nipples or he'll put my hand on his ass and tell me to stop grabbing him.  I find our conversations to be very entertaining, but nothing more.  I'm not the least bit attracted to him. I see him purely as a friend and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.  I don't think we could tease each other as much as we do if there was any meaning in the things we say.

Anyway, we quickly got into one of these riffs at the party and Jon ending up being a member of our three person audience.  Jon doesn't know Tom very well and he's never seen us bait-and-poke each other like we can, so I'm not sure what he thought of the conversation.

Another friend and audience member, I think, found us to be a little tiresome.  After about 15 minutes he said quite loudly to Jon, "Aren't Tom and Cameron so cute when they flirt like that?"

I've never thought of our dumb conversations as flirting so I was a little shocked that others might see them that way.  Even worse, the last thing I wanted was for Jon to get the idea that I flirt with everyone.  I quickly looked at Jon to see how he reacted, and I swear, I saw a look of jealousy flash across his face.  It was very fast, and I might be totally delusional, but that's what I saw...Jon was jealous that I was "flirting" with someone else.

After that, I wanted to put an end to the "show" as quickly as possible.  I accused Tom of being a slut and trying to make me one of his conquests.  I then asked the three guys listening to us (including Jon) to please help keep Tom away from me.

Unfortunately, Tom took my words as a challenge and became even more relentless...even as Jon and my other friends made no effort to defend me whatsoever.  This turned out to be a problem because Tom wouldn't leave me alone for the next half hour.

Both with and without Tom's "help" I was able to keep my distance from Jon for most of the night.  I needed to do that because when I spilled my guts it had to be at the very end of the night.  That way if I was rejected I could go straight home.  

At one point Jon and I were having separate conversations with two other people in a small kitchen.  I heard Jon tell the other guy some of the same things he told me during our long conversation in the bar a few weeks before.  That annoyed me. It made me feel less special.

Another time, after a "steal-a-gift" anonymous exchange, I picked up the gift Jon had chosen to look at it.  It was a bartender's mixing glass with different drink recipes printed on it.  Jon was across the room.  When he saw me looking at it he teasingly said, "Cameron, that's mine!  You can't have it!"  That made me happy because, as a rule, people only tease someone when they like them, at least as a friend.  But often teasing is a form of flirting.  Jon easily could have said nothing, which is far more like him, but the fact that he purposefully teased me, I think, is a positive.

A few minutes later, as many people started to leave, I made it a point to ask Jon if he was planning on staying a little longer.  "Ah, ya.  I guess so."

Because Jon committed to staying, I decided to help the host clean up.  The house was a disaster.  Dishes and leftover food were everywhere and a mountain of dirty plates and glasses needed to be washed.  I spent a solid 30 minutes in the kitchen, which made only a small dent in the amount of work that needed be done.  By then it was getting late so I decided to check on Jon.  Well guess what?  He left.  The fucker left without a proper goodbye and no opportunity for me to ask him out.  Gaaah!!

Because the jerk never gave me his contact information (and he's not on Facebook) his surprise departure left me with no way to communicate with him.  I had no choice except to wait another month (or longer) to see him again. I was devastated. Four more weeks of endless fantasies?  Please kill me now and save me from suffering.

But wait!  On the way home I got the brilliant idea to ask a mutual friend for Jon's email address.  It was an awkward thing to do but he gave it to me - without asking why I wanted it, thankfully.  But then, after spending a full day debating whether I should email Jon or not, I decided against it.  His last (crazy) girlfriend had Internet-stalked him and the last thing I want to do is behave in a similar way.  Because Jon didn't given me his email address himself, I didn't have his explicit permission to contact him.  Reluctantly, I gave up the idea.

The good news is that making that decision has given me a much needed sense of control over the situation.  I feel less like a caged animal.  I can do this.  I can wait a month. And if I suddenly feel like I can't, I have the option to break down and send an email.  I'd hate to do that.  It would be tacky and I really do want to ask him in person.

I hope that being forced to wait a month will ensure a better outcome.  I hope I'll be so sick and tired of being infatuated that any resolution, including being rejected, will be a relief.  Objectively speaking, my hyped-up, obsessive attraction to Jon is pretty stupid anyway.  Asking someone out on a first date should be very simple, not like trying to hold an orgasm in for two months.

Anyway - I probably won't post again in 2014, so, I hope ya'll enjoy these last few days of the year.  Let's all have a happy and successful 2015, ok?  That's my plan at least.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Crazed with desire, continued

In my last post I wrote about a guy I recently met through mutual friends...

When I was first introduced to Jon I didn't feel any special connection or attraction to him.  He wasn't unattractive, he was just another guy.  But then, after getting to know him a little at several different social gatherings, I found myself noticing him.  Finally, the fourth time we met, I went from noticing him to being overcome with intense desire, all within the space of about two hours.

What made our fourth meeting different from the prior three was that we had our first one-on-one conversation.  It didn't last long, and we didn't talk about anything important, but ever since then I've been lit up like a super nova.

I've been struggling to understand why I suddenly and irrationally became infatuated with this guy. What makes him so special?  I mean, I've lusted over millions of men in the past but this is something completely different.  It's as if my intuition has gone haywire; like my subconscious knows that we're destined to be together.  At least that's how it feels.

Is this guy too skinny to appeal to most gay men over 40?
Objectively, it looks more like a big ol' helping of fantasy and wishful thinking.

In the days following our fourth meeting I did my best to clear my mind of Jon-obsessive thoughts.  I needed to come back to Earth so I could be reasonable and rational the next time I saw him; I had to discard all of my nonsensical fantasies and instead focus on reality.  I knew if I carefully observed his words, actions and body language I'd see the truth as it is, not as I wanted it to be.

It turned out that I saw him again much sooner than I expected - and that meant I was less prepared than I wanted to be.  I had a hard time controlling my fantasies.  Every few minutes a new one would pop into my head and I'd have to try to squash it by reminding myself to stay alert. "Focus, Cameron, focus!!!"

Despite being in a heightened state of arousal for hours, I don't think Jon or any of our friends noticed, which was good. Unfortunately, trying to get a read on Jon with all our friends there wasn't working.  We made eye contact a number of times but I couldn't tell if he felt the same connection that I did.

As the hours wore on I got increasingly frustrated.  My head was filled with questions and I was getting no answers.  Then, quite miraculously, all of our friends decided it was getting late and they were going home.  In an attempt to seize the opportunity to be alone with Jon I said to him, "I'm good for one more beer, if you are."

"Sure, I'll have another."

What?!!!  Miracles actually can happen?!

Well, guess what...one beer became two...and thirty minutes turned into ninety...

To say I was heaven the whole time is an understatement.  I got to spend ninety minutes having a very personal, very real one-on-one conversation with a guy I have the most intense crush on in thirty years.  When does anything that good ever happen???

Even better - the conversation was amazing.  The more he talked about his background and values, the more infatuated I became.  He's very smart, very open, very charming, very patient and extremely modest.  If I could choose personality traits to create a perfect guy, those are what I'd pick.

A story and a highlight:

About three minutes after we sat down this young, 20-something girl stumbled over to Jon and slurred to him, "I hayyyyte cheathas."  Feeling cornered, he replied, "Yeah, cheating is bad," and turned toward me. 

Maybe if the girl hadn't been so drunk she would've taken the hint that Jon did not want to talk to her.  Instead she cluelessly prattled on...and on...and on.  Soon she began to run her hand across his back and down his arm while trying to engage him in conversation.  At first he was very polite but eventually he just stared into his beer, not looking at either of us.  He couldn't look at the woman, because that would only encourage her to keep talking, and he wouldn't look at me, because I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, fighting hard not to burst out laughing.  Eventually the girl wandered away, undoubtedly disappointed that Jon had resisted her feminine charm.

I found the incident to be very entertaining, for a few reasons.  First, it was funny that this drunk girl was so determined to hit on a guy who, obviously, wasn't in a gay bar to pick up women.  Second, it was awesome to watch Jon politely but firmly shut the girl down.  This was true not only because he did it with class, but also because he had previously told me that he found himself noticing women most of the time, not men. Although the girl was drunk, she was young and relatively attractive.  Pretty much any straight guy would have been all over her.  The fact that Jon wanted to dodge her, I think, says a lot about his sexuality.  And finally, I loved the fact that he clearly wanted to talk to *me* and not the girl.  Many of my other friends would have egged her on, just for the fun of it.

OK, I'll admit it.  What I most liked about the drunk girl was that Jon clearly choose me over her.  Ha!

When she finally left, I teased him and said, "Wow, she really likes you."

"Oh my god.  No.  Don't even say that.  She reminds me of an awful ex-girlfriend.  That's the last thing I need."

So I guess I didn't really win his attention after all.  Bah.

Anyway, that's how the conversation started but it got much better from there.

The highlight for me was when we were talking about his last girlfriend.  He's really fucked in the head about their break-up: they only dated for four months, he knows she's crazy, she's been stalking him...and yet...he still feels guilty about avoiding her.  "Why do you feel so guilty?" I asked him.

"Well, I guess I always try to be the best person I can be.  I always want to 'do the right thing,' you know?"

When he said those words I got goosebumps.  Since starting this blog, 'doing the right thing' has become my life philosophy.  To hear Mr. Perfect echo the same conviction was very freaky - and really awesome.

It was getting pretty late as we finished our second beer together.  I didn't want the conversation to end but it would've been weird to ask him to stay for another round.  Instead, while he was in the bathroom, I pulled out a business card and wrote my personal phone number and email address on it.  When he returned, I handed him the card and said, "Here's my contact information.  I have a very flexible schedule so if you ever have some free time and want to do something, let me know."  I made a point of being very matter-of-fact about it.  After all, we were supposed to be platonic friends having a beer.  I didn't want to risk ruining our budding friendship by hitting on him.  I figured, if he felt any degree of the connection that I did, he'd call.

We hugged goodbye, and maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed to hug me closer and more tightly than any of my friends do.

The next day, I fully expected to hear from him.  We really connected during the conversation, and even if he wasn't attracted to me, it still would have been appropriate to send a polite, "Thanks for the fun conversation" email.  And the responsibility to do that was totally on him since he did not give me his information.

Well...the days have ticked by and he still hasn't called, texted or emailed.  Normally I would say that proves he's not interested, but now that I know how he faults himself for everything, I can imagine him discounting my actions and feeling that it would be presumptuous of  him to call.

I'm taking solace in the hope that I'll get an answer the next time I see him.  This silliness can't drag on forever, it's exhausting.  If I continue to get a good vibe from him then I'll take the risk of humiliating myself by asking him out on a date.  I just need to be mentally prepared to be shot down before I take that risk.  If it ends up being an awkward conversation I'll need to be as chill and nonchalant about it as possible. 

Asking him out is going to be very difficult.  I really suck at dealing with rejection. 

Maybe if I'm able to psych myself up enough, I'll reach a point of healthy indifference and that will allow me to glide through any bad news.


Now that I think about it, maybe the lesson here is that if I can take rejection from Jon, I can take it from anyone.  If true, that would be a huge accomplishment. 

I've got to keep that alternative goal in mind.  Maybe I can gain something big from this experience no matter what happens.

More soon...