Thursday, October 27, 2011

Open Marriage / MMF Threesome

In a recent post I shared the story of a man who was seeking his wife's permission to enjoy casual, recreational sex with other men. He wanted an open marriage - the dream situation for just about every married bisexual man.

To allay his wife's fears about where an open marriage might lead, the man explained to his wife that his interest in men was purely physical. He said that he had no interest in pursuing a relationship with a man, and, to prove that his intentions were honorable, he suggested that the couple invite another man into their bed as the guest star. That way the wife could see first-hand what he meant.

The wife laughed at that idea.

Undeterred, the man was able to convince his wife to accompany him to a gay bar. That way she could see for herself that his interest in men was purely physical.

The couple did go to a gay bar together but the man failed to prove his point. Instead of agreeing to an open marriage, his wife decided to end it. Having an open marriage, to her, was "classic man wants his cake and eat it, too."

More importantly, she decided that his attraction to men was a very real threat to their future together. She said, "One day he WILL meet someone that he will be attracted to and will want to be with. So, after more years of being faithful to this man, he will leave me anyway. That is what will happen."

As a man who is attracted to other men, I completely understand the husband's point of view. I also know, based on the experiences of other men, that being open to other sexual relationships has the potential to strengthen a marriage; increased honesty and reduced sexual frustration usually make for a closer marital bond. As such, when conducted safely and respectfully, an open marriage can be a win-win situation for both partners.

Although I am familiar with open marriages from the man's point of view, I know little from a willing woman's perspective. The story I quoted was therefore a fascinating read. Yes, she seemed skeptical about the idea, but not so skeptical that she immediately rejected it. Further, her willingness to go to a gay bar with her husband is evidence that she tried to be open-minded. Not many wives would have agreed to go.

I posted the story because I wondered if readers (married men especially) would see the wife's reaction as valid or ridiculous. I particularly wanted readers to focus on the question of emotion. Because of the visit to the gay bar, the wife is now convinced that her husband WILL leave her for a man. Yet the husband says he's not interested in men that way. Who is right?

Consider each spouse's point of view:

The Bisexual Husband

I believe that bisexual married men can divided into two groups. The first group is composed of men who instinctively and naturally know how to make a woman feel desired. It's an effortless endeavor for them, like walking across a room; they're natural-born Casanovas. The men in the second group don't have it so easy. They have to concentrate in order to stay focused when they're with a woman.

What do I mean by 'focused?' It's a vague thing, not easily put into words. I'll use an analogy instead: it's like sex with a condom and sex without one. When you're fucking without a condom you're definitely not thinking about what a condom feels like. When you are fucking with a condom on, you're enjoying the sex, but you never really forget that your dick is covered with latex. It's distracting. It's a very thin barrier that keeps you from truly connecting with your partner. Bisexual men in the second group, in essence, are wearing a mental condom that subtly distracts them when they're having straight sex. It slows them down, both during the act itself and in wanting to have sex at all.

From a performance perspective, during sex, there's not much difference between men in the two groups. Getting hard, staying hard, and having an orgasm are usually not issues, barring any physical problems. What is different, very different, is how frequently the men in the two groups have straight sex. Because men in the second group have to make an effort to stay focused, straight sex requires some work. It's as if, instead of walking across a room, they have to progressively jump across, with both feet tied together. Having to expend the effort means they initiate sex less often, which means the couple has sex less often.

The man from the story belongs in the second group. The reason I know this is because his wife reports that they haven't been intimate "in forever." She also says she has repeatedly tried to entice him by going to bed naked and by wearing very sexy lingerie. The natural-born Casanovas don't need that much prompting. If a woman signals that she wants sex, they don't hesitate to jump right on.

Because the man hasn't been responding to his naked wife you might wonder if he is gay. He insists that he is not, for several reasons. First, his attraction to men is purely physical. Second, his taste in men is very specific; he only likes straight men. Third, he has no interest in kissing a man, much less falling in love with one. Fourth, he feels just the opposite about women as he does men - he likes to kiss women; he has only loved women in the past and he can only imagine being in love with women in the future. For him "men are for sex and women are for love." By most definitions, he is bisexual.

The Straight Wife

I have spent the last year absorbing the thoughts, opinions, emotions and experiences of straight wives who are married to gay or bisexual men. In the course of internalizing this information I have learned that straight wives care about many things, including fidelity, lying, diseases, financial security, love and public embarrassment. But what matters most, to the most women, is that they feel genuinely desired. Over and over different women have told me that "love is not enough" or "I don't want to be married to a roommate" or "I already have enough friends, I want a lover."

The need for women to feel genuinely desired is far more powerful than many men realize. For many women it is the basis of their feminine identity and their sense of self-worth. When a woman does not feel genuinely desired she feels like a failure as a woman. It's a knife that cuts her to the core, equivalent to a grown man being calling "a sissy" by his father; the hurt is deep and primal.

The woman in the story feels just as most other straight wives do. She wants to be wanted.

The Couple as Archetypes

An archetype, in this case, is "a universally understood symbol upon which others are patterned."

In my opinion, the bisexual man and his straight wife are typical of many other couples in the same situation. While the man is not typical of all bisexual men, I believe he represents a large subset of them. The wife is extremely typical of the vast majority of straight wives; she wants to preserve her marriage, provided that her needs as a woman can be met.

If you can believe that this couple is an archetype, then understanding them is a window into the dynamics of many marriages between bisexual men and their straight wives. Understanding this couple can explain why some straight wives are happy to stay with a bisexual man - even to the point of opening up their marriage - while others give up on their marriage, even when their husband promises to be faithful.

When a bisexual man asks his straight wife to open their marriage, the logical assumption is that it's her decision as to whether his request is granted. That assumption is true; lots of women will not accept a marriage with anything less than absolute monogamy. However, I have learned that a surprising number of straight wives are willing to consider the open marriage option, provided that it 'works' for them.

What makes a marriage 'work', regardless of whether it is open or closed, is if the husband makes the wife feel sexually alive. If he does not, then the marriage gradually dies.

This means that, most of the time, the bisexual man, and not his wife, is primarily responsible for the level of sexual in his marriage.

Desire

The man in the story vehemently insists that his interest in men is strictly sexual. He cannot imagine falling in love with a man; he does not WANT to fall in love with one. He's asked his wife to open the marriage by trying a MMF threesome, or by giving him permission to have recreational sex with men. To prove how harmless his interest in men is, the man convinced his wife to go with him to a gay bar. How did that go?

According to the wife, "[it was] one of the worst experiences of my life."

"[I] was looking across the bar and [saw] him looking at a man and flirting with him in a way that he has never looked at me. You know, the flirtatous eyes kind of look. I felt like I couldnt breathe...after all I have been to him, and giving him the very best of me all those years, I have never seen him look at me that way."

You might think she's misreading her husband's interest, or that she's paranoid, or that she's seeking to sabotage the open marriage option.

Any of those things could be true, however if they are, then the cost of being wrong is catastrophic for her. She WANTS her marriage to work. But she doesn't believe it can:

"It hurts my heart so much that most days I cannot breathe...Can he be my best friend and make me laugh till the cows come home? Yup. Can we cook together and drink wine and have a great time together and complete each others sentences? Yup. Is this enough for me for the rest of my life? Nope."

Clearly she loves him. Clearly she wishes their marriage could work. And yet she's convinced that it will ultimately fail. She's so convinced that failure is imminent that she's stopped even trying to make it work. Instead, she's decided to turn her entire life upside down by seeking a divorce. Being best friends isn't enough for her. She, like most other women, needs to feel that she is desired.

Women are so NOT like men. For the most part, women have a much higher emotional intelligence than men. Their 'women's intuition' is an everyday manifestation of how tuned-in they are to the people around them. When a man doesn't genuinely desire them, they know it. In the case of the woman in the story, once she saw how her husband desired the man in the bar, she knew she had never once been wanted with the same intensity.

Months of explanations by the husband after the visit have failed to convince the wife that she was wrong about what she saw. She knows what she knows, she knows how she feels.

The lesson of this couple is desire rules all. The proof for that is the decision the woman made. She gave up her comfortable life and the man she loves only because she HOPES that one day she might find a man who makes her feel desired.

Conclusions

People are different, marriages are different. What happened with this couple wouldn't necessarily happen with similar couples. But the dynamic that played out here DOES play out with many other couples:

First you have a large group of bisexual men who are unquestionably attracted to women, but 'making love' to their wife requires some effort.

Second you have virtually all straight wives who WANT to preserve their marriages, and are willing to make big compromises to do so, BUT ONLY IF their womanly self-image and feminine identity are regularly cherished by a husband who genuinely desires them.

A man can do or say anything he likes to prove his masculinity. He can aggressively make love to his wife as proof that he desires her. But most wives cannot be fooled. Desire is raw and animalistic. Desire means having a satisfying sex life - that means 'good sex' on a frequent basis. Once a month is not frequent.

The bottom line is that a large group of married bisexual men have an impossible road to travel. They are who they are, and they are authentic, but they don't have the essential and sincere ability to make a woman feel WANTED, yet being wanted is what their wife needs most.

In the story, the man's weakness became obvious when the couple visited a gay bar together. Most couples don't go to gay bars together so most wives can't compare the desire they feel to the desire they witness. But you can be certain that the marriages of some bisexual men inevitably crash when their wife has a similar "Aha!" moment; that moment where she realizes her man can never satisfy her.

In my next post I plan to write more about marriages between bisexual men and straight women. I'd like to particularly focus on why some are very strong and others are very weak, even when both spouses agree they love each other. I also hope to address the wife's conviction that her husband is destined to fall in love with a man, which is something he promises will never happen.

Your thoughts?

16 comments:

  1. Hi, long time reader, first time commenter here.
    I am a married 40 something man who has had a few bi experiences with my wife and only her.
    Over the past several months our sex life has deteriorated for a few reasons, and our playing has ceased as well.
    When I first told my wife about my desire to have sex with men she was surprisingly open and supportive. Despite our limited sex life we are experiencing now, she remains supportive of my desires.
    Since we have ceased playing, I have often thought about secretly finding a friend and have sex with, and I have even told my wife about it, to which she not cared for.
    I have remained faithful to my wife and her wishes in hopes that we will once again play.
    I love my wife and want to remain with her despite my desire to have some solo time with another man..
    Thanks,

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  2. Some of this has hit a little close to home that I would like to admit to myself. I would probably put myself in the large catagory; attracted to women, bisexual, but "making love" is an effort. What I'm unsure of, is this because of almost 20 years together, or because I'm gay inside.

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  3. I think love can substitute for desire. What cannot be replaced though is the loss of trust. If you no longer have confidence in your spouse's words, intentions or actions. the foundation of the relationship crumbles.

    In the example you provided, the wife cannot trust the man. Even if the man remains faithful going forward, the doubts the wife have will poison and undermine the relationship and chase the guy away

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  4. I feel like Anonymous (number 2) - making love is an effort. I have no intentions of ever leaving my wife but our sex life is terrible because of me. I just can't seem to get into it. The idea of mad, passionate love making with her is not even something I can fake. So for us, it has become a weekly duty. I perform but, but that's about it. In reality, another bi guy sharing our bed would be the perfect answer - we'd both get what we want!

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  5. I don't know where you got any successful stories of open marriages working out. Anyone I have ever known personally that experimented with open marriages, or even the discussion of which, in the long term has usually ended in separation and divorce.

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  6. I am a straight wife, and I can feel how this woman felt. I want to be looked at with lust, desire and wanting. I want to have passionate sex, the kind that is shown in movies. Is it out there? Yes, it is. There are men who look at a woman and just want to tear her clothes off in the restaurant. As a woman I need to feel that I am wanted that much! Looking into your husband’s eyes as he looks at another man the way he has never looked at you would be an unbearable pain. Looking at a man with lust, desire thinking he can not wait to………….
    I could give up the feeling of being wanted or desired, and even the passionate sex to live my life with my husband, because emotional he completes every aspect of me. Sexually, we don’t have sex as much as I would want it, but he is good in bed. It’s not passionate by any means. I could do an open marriage, if it was merely for sex. But the look, the desire in the eyes of the man you love looking at another the way he has never looked at you, I don’t know that it would ever be possible to get over. It hurts to not be desired the same way, to know that he doesn’t really love you, not sexually anyways. This equation with bi/gay husbands is missing the “love making”, the sexual desire. The only thing tying this couple together is the emotional love they share; it’s not enough the desire, the sexual attraction needs to be there too.
    An open marriage with two straight people would be different. The man would most likely look at his wife with more sexual intensity than he does at another woman. This scenario would be easier for both couples as long as the emotional love, and passionate sex life between the two was present. This would be easier for me, I would feel no threat or jealousy.

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  7. I'm wondering if there is any correlation between guys in the larger category, and being bottoms. Specifically anal stimulation and orgasm from prostate stimulation. Maybe the guys aren't getting sexually what they need from their wives. Yes a wife needs to be wanted sexually, but a husband does also, and in some of these cases, I bet that the husband is not getting satisfied sexually.

    I've been with a bottom who can have orgasm after orgasm solely from anal stimulation, and never care if he ejaculates. This is an act that a woman could help out with using a dildo or strap-on, but those are no real substitute for the real thing. How satisfied would a wife be if the only sexual pleasure she got from her husband was from him using a dildo? The physical contact of two bodies connected at the sexual organs spread the pleasure throughout one another, a dildo is a non feeling object.

    The wife in the above story says "after all I have been to him, and giving him the very best of me all those years, I have never seen him look at me that way." The husband in this case could be excited about the possibility of the anal stimulation that the wife hasn't physically provided. Just because a husband is looking at another guy with "flirtatous eyes" does not mean there is affection there, only lust and desire to fulfill the unfulfilled pleasure of anal sex the husband has been denied in the marriage. Take away the anticipation of sex, and the "flirtatous eyes" change to talk about sports.

    A man, with his wife, at a gay bar would light up with desire, knowing that he would have the possibly of being sexually stimulated in a way his wife could not physically provide. To deny this of someone is equal to degrading and debasing their sexuality as a person. To assume that the "flirtatous eyes" is going to be the down fall of the relationship between the man and the woman presumes to many factors, most of which are going to be meaningless once the husband is sexually satisfied with the male encounter.

    I think the bottom line is that every couple is different and would need to review the situation for themselves, but to have a deep meaningful relationship with another human is a necessity in life I feel. A single encounter with another male for sexual gratification is not the basis for a meaningful relationship with another person.

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  8. "The bottom line is that a large group of married bisexual men have an impossible road to travel. They are who they are, and they are authentic, but they don't have the essential and sincere ability to make a woman feel WANTED, yet being wanted is what their wife needs most."

    You nailed it. I'm a fan.

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  9. An open marriage does seem like it would be an ideal situation for bi men. It would be good to get the love and sex we want from our wives, while also fulfilling the need for male intimacy. Although it does have all the potential in the world for complication.

    As for the two groups of bi men, I can't see myself in either group. I certainly like sex with women and know how to please them sexually, but I've never considered myself a Cassanova, nor do I think it's effortless to make a woman feel desired. On the other hand, I don't feel like I'm wearing a metal condom with women, either. What about bi men who just desire both men and women?

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  10. First, I want to compliment you on this well written post.

    I am siding with the wife. Asking for the open marriage is selfish and most definitely "having your cake and eating it too."

    Of course the open marriage is every guy's dream. But I don't think it's right -- unless she really wants it too.

    Taking the wife to a gay bar was probably the best thing that could have happened to her -- it was a bright light on the reality of her situation. She saw the light and made the right decision.

    This whole situation just doesn't seem like it was destined to work anyway.

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  11. I agree with your well written post but know that the wife not only is frustrated by the lack of true desire by her man but also the knowledge that she can never truly satisfying him. It is an unacceptable way to live.

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  12. Anonymous 1, 2 & JFBreak - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope to address exactly the issues you've mentioned in a follow-up post.

    Anonymous 3 - A lack of trust within a marriage is a core issue, just as you say. In the particular case of the man and woman from the story, she has never once mentioned trust as one of her concerns. I'm not sure why, because it is a key factor in most post-disclosure mixed orientation marriages.

    Adrian - I subscribe to a bi-married-man listserv. There are a number of men on there with open marriages that (they say) work. There's also a woman who participates who says she is very happy. In addition there is a Yahoo group about Closed Loop relationships and some men there say their wives are happy with those. Blogger Rob from the Bi Married Mafia is another example.

    AWILTGAM - I hope many men read your words because they express exactly what so many women feel. It's interesting that you'd be willing to consider an open marriage with a straight man but not a bi one.

    Amtop - Your POV is shared by many men, possibly even the man in the story. Some women will understand what you're saying, most will not. The difference isn't so much what your own intentions are, it's how your wife perceives you. Your actions in the bedroom with her are what matter most.

    Anonymous 4 - Thanks for the comment!

    Mack - Perhaps you'd be a good case study. The point I'm trying to make is that you can feel anyway you like, about your wife and about men, but that's not especially relevant to the long-term success of your marriage if you are a practicing bisexual. What matters is how much your wife feels desired by you.

    RB - I agree, the gay bar fiasco was a gift to the wife. I also agree that the marriage was doomed anyway. In these situations there is no good solution. All you can hope for is the least bad outcome, which in many cases, is that the couple split up sooner rather than later.

    Anonymous 5 - Yes, feeling inadequate is another common concern of straight wives. No matter how hot they are, they feel like they can never be hot enough. Personally I feel that this reflects a tendency for women to devalue themselves. Bisexual men CAN and DO desire women. This means that if a woman feels she's not good enough, it's never her fault - provided she's made a sincere effort. When she has and she still doesn't feel adequate that's her man's issue, not hers.

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  13. Just catching up on my blog reading after a hectic work week. Interesting post TL. Not my experience, but that just goes to prove that each relationship is unique. I have an open marriage that works really well, but I have to admit my life is very complicated. Splitting my week between two households and sustaining two committed relationships can, at times, be very taxing. I would also add that I have always had an open marriage, and by that I mean we have been open and honest about sex, attraction, desire, and love from day one. I believe that is a big part of why it works for us.

    As for the effort part . . . the only effort it takes for my wife and I to be intimate is finding the time. Between work, kids, obligations, aging parents, etc. time can pass before we know it. However, as for as the act of making love, that takes no effort at all. After 27 years of marriage I still desire my wife and have no trouble expressing that desire to her.

    As for woman are for love and men are for sex . . . still doesn't ring true for me. When I started dating men I had no desire to find a "friend with benefits," or someone to scratch that "itch." I was looking for someone with whom I could build a loving relationship. With my lover the sex is great, but the time spent together talking and sharing are the most cherished for both of us.

    As for going to a gay bar and ogling all the hot guys . . . not my cup of tea either. I can appreciate an attractive woman just as much as an attractive guy. The physical part is eye candy, but I have always sought a deeper connection. I am attracted to both men and women physically and I seek love and affection from both as well.

    And as for the bottom vs top hypothesis someone suggested . . . I am a top all the way with my wife and a bottom with my lover. Now could my wife or lover satisfy both? Sure, but what I would miss out on is the emotional intimacy with each of them which, for me, is far more satisfying.

    So how would I get categorized? In the big picture it doesn't really matter. We are all just figuring our own way. I think that we enter into relationships with those that can help us to heal our karmic wounds. The trick is honoring the healing process and recognizing when we begin to re-wound. Will my marriage last another 27 years? Will my lover stick around for 27 years? Who knows? Everything is impermanent and ever changing.

    Thanks for the post.

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  14. I've come across your blog whilst looking for support or advice for a straight spouse. I thought I would comment on an open marriage.
    I've been with my husband for twenty years. All of them apart from the last 18months very good. A few months ago I found out he is not straight. He's since confessed he fancies men. I've tried to be supportive and told him if it made him happier to express his feelings I would support him and stay committed to our marriage. We tried sexual play etc and he was able to look at gay porn without guilt.
    However after a few months this wasn't enough for him.

    We have two options, we separate because I alone am not making him happy or we find an alternative.
    Like I said above we have a very strong marriage and I consider it my duty to me and my children to say that I tried everything I could to make us work. I also want him to be happy.
    So we're now starting on opening his side. I know he isn't truly comfortable with this, he still feels being with someone else whilst married is cheating. Even though I'm giving my consent he is struggling with it. There's the practicalities of opening up to consider too. I feel that we have a good friendship and love for each other and if the only thing that's missing is sex with a man then he should try it. I'm also selfishly hoping that if he is happy with himself and sexually then that will transpire on to our time together. I'm hoping if he learns to be romantically wanted by a man he may then pass those feelings on to me. Like you've said in your post although we have sex when I initiate it, I don't just want sex, I want to feel wanted and a intimate connection. I want to know that I arouse him too.

    Who knows where our future is headed. I don't know if the emotions involved with opening us up will get too much for us both and it doesn't work out or if it will indeed allow us to happy together.
    All I can is try my best and be honest with him about how I feel.

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  15. TwoLives--I am speaking for myself on this one. As a value proposition, I am pro-monogamy. For me it is not a question of desire although I agree desire is important. This is about unity, loyalty, risk management, shared vision and purpose. Marriage as I understand it, is designed to be a synergistic experience. Sharing my spouses body is unacceptable because it detracts from the inward focus and cohesion of the marriage. Some women may embrace a multiply the love sentiment in this area. I am not one of those women.

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  16. This is too close to home for me.
    I am in my late 40's and a married man with 3 almost grown kids. In high school and college had a few gay experiences consisting of mutual masturbation and blow jobs, but the guys were always long time friends and like me, professed to be totally straight. I had straight sex with about the same number of girls.

    A long time male friend (6-8 years) and I went on to graduate school hung out together then went to the same city to work. I started dating my now wife, started sleeping with her and a year later we were married. "John" I will call him would come over and we would watch straight porn and drank a lot of wine but he never gave any inclination he even liked the porn.

    During the period I was doing my girlfriend about every other day, I invited John over because I wanted to sleep with him real bad. After watching some movies and drinking, I noticed he was hard and asked him what that was. He said "you know what it is but I bet yours is bigger". We stood up (we are 25 I guess)and our pants dropped. Unlike other gay sex I had, we didn't mechanically start stroking each other. We lead each other into my bedroom and spent the next two hours making love. Everything but anal. We fell asleep and did it again. Every other guy I had played with grabbed his clothes and acted like we hadn't done anything.

    When John left at dawn I broke out crying. I don't know why, guilt, knowledge I was gay, whatever. That began a 23 year long love affair between us interrupted a couple of times by John's guilt trips (not cheating denying he was gay or bi).

    We both got married within weeks of one another both have children, our families will go on trips together and when they were at the beach when they were kids, we would be upstairs making love.

    I love my wife and we make love. But John and I also love each other and if he were to die, I would to. After the first few weeks, we learned to do everything, and as we have never been with another man we have been bare backing for over 20 years.

    Telling our spouses is not an option. Where we live we would be run out of town, and that is that. I have told my wife that I love him, she assumes brotherly love but I am proud of my love for him.
    So we will just keep this going. One final thought. Other than that first morning when I cried, I have never felt ant guilt. I fell like he is a gift from God. otherwise I would probably be on Craig's list or in a park for anonymous sex.

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