Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Married Men on the Down Low

Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and many other websites are loaded with married men who are looking for casual sex with other men. "No strings attached." "Safe sex."

If you're bi and married, a down-low hook up every once in a while is a good way to take the edge off, to keep yourself content and well-balanced. If you're careful and safe, it's no big deal, right?

I haven't done anything sexual with a guy in more than eight years. My last NSA hook-up was a few years before that; I'm rusty and out of practice. But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man.

What I never spent much time thinking about was my wife. Honestly, she didn't seem that relevant. Meeting a guy was completely different than being with her. Day and night. Two different worlds that, really, had nothing to do with each other. I felt that as long as I was safe and didn't get caught, no one would be hurt and I'd ultimately be a happier guy and therefore a better husband.

No one keeps statistics, but I'm sure it is literally an every day occurrence that a stunned wife discovers evidence that her husband has been meeting other men for casual sex.

As some wives try to wrap their heads around what they have discovered, they sometimes look to other women who have found themselves in the same situation. As a formerly cheating married man, when I came across the advice these women give to each other, I found it to be absolutely fascinating. Here is one example:

"When I found out quite by accident a couple of months ago, that my husband was concealing his one night stands with gay men, I was wounded to the core. The deception! The lies! The extreme disrespect! The trashing of our family--I so hated him for all of it that I could barely bring myself to look at him.

"At the exact same time, I was (and am) terrified of being alone, not sure how I and our child will survive financially, and, yes have serious doubts about my ability to find and attract a new man. I also now DO look at him and sometimes see the handsome, smart man that had attracted me to begin with more than 2 decades ago.

"BUT--and here is the hopeful part--my anger and resentment at his complete disregard for me, and his almost unbelievably glib pack of lies (that continue to this day) has FUELED ME TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LEVEL--and this can happen to you, too.

"If you have any shred of self respect left, you have some anger in there because you have been deeply disrespected--and you know in your heart that you cannot live with a man who sneaks out for gay sex, lies to you without remorse and cannot give you the love that you need.

"That man that you 'love' has treated you like shit. We wove some dreams around these men that said more about our desire to love, our desire to have a wonderful family, our desire for love and stability than it ever said about the actual person we have been married to.

"I think I have been married to a composite of my own desires and have not seen the self-centered, uncaring person who does not, and cannot love me.

"So, what I am getting to is this--try to look at him objectively--is he a good man, a decent man, someone you can happily partner with, going forward?

"My answer was NO! Picture him meeting up with his gay sex partners, cleaning himself up afterwards and then plopping down at the dinner table with you and your kids.


"If not, save all of that good love for someone who will return it."

As I reflected on this I thought: I've always been a good man, a loving man, a decent man. Of course I love my wife. Surely the husband of this woman is someone far worse than me. Surely what I have done is not nearly as bad as what that man has done.

That's why it was acceptable for me to cheat.

And that's why it's acceptable for others like me to cheat - all those thousands of married men who are logged on to Manhunt and Adam4Adam right now.

It's something to think about.


  1. That's a powerful commentary by a woman who's been there! Wow!! It's something every married man on the 'down low' should consider before unzipping his fly with another man; the devastation his lying will inflict on his wife and family.

    1. The issue is not being gay or bi. The issue is living a lie.Be big men and admit your truth and live it openly. letting a woman believe you are only hers, bringing children into the world under pretenses, digging in the back and then digging in her with out her consent or her knowledge is letting her unknowingly sleep with all the men you do. That is deceit, lying, cheating and disrespect for yourself, your family, and your mother. when you look in the mirror, you will you only you. and when you wonder why your lives are stressed and you are not truly happy. Take a look at yourself again. I hope someday, or even now, your wife or your lover is cheating on you, and maybe you greedy bastards will now what integrity and living true to yourself is.keep on making excuses about needs and bla bla bla. you just want your cake and to eat it too.

  2. But what leads men to lie to their wives to begin with? If these men were to honestly tell their wives where they were going, do you think they would allow it? NO! So what choice does that leave, no other choice but to lie.

    She seems a little over the top to me. He didnt "trash the family", he didnt "extremely disrespect" her. She doenst get it, it's not about her, its about him.

    Most likely, he made a bad mistake getting married, maybe he was still in denial about his sexuality, but he hung in there, did the good husband/dad thing. But as time passed, he couldnt lie to himself any more, and he had to have some outlet for his desires.

    Should he have just left her? Dont you think her anger, her hate, would have been just as hot? If he had kept his marriage vows and never cheated on her, but left her when the desire became to large for him to contain, do you think she would have been any less full of hate and anger, I sure dont think so.

    I think you need to stop visiting that site, and get your head back in the game. The die has be dropped, now stop flogging yourself over the past, and get on with your future.

  3. Yah, that wife was OVER THE TOP. I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to be, but I don't think they are all like that.

    Our buddy at
    Is there a way out for a So Cal Guy?
    is a case in point. He hasn't updated his blog in quite a bit, and it's because he came out to his wife, and much to everyone's surprise.....She accepted and supported him. This only served to kick-start and start healing their broken marriage!

    So, I imagine that your will get a range of emotions as wide and varied as there are different individuals. Each has a right to feel the way they feel.

    And Cameron, I hope that beating yourself up doesn't actually make you feel better. We all have fault, and from what you tell us of your wife, she is no exception.

  4. I was not originally full of anger and hate when my husband/now ex came out to me. I was very, very, very sad about the end of my marriage and that my kids would be from a broken home - and yet even he would tell you I was supportive of him. For the next ten days we had some of the best discussions we had ever had.

    Then on the 10th day I discovered he had been unfaithful to me and found every detail of his hook-ups in his online blog where I also read that he never loved me at all (we'd been married for 19 years). And I did feel "extremely disrespected". I loved this man with all my heart - I had lived with his lack of attention and affection with little complaint - I had given him three wonderful children - and this is how I was to be treated?

    Perhaps my situation was different than all of yours. My ex never loved me and told me he married me because he liked me a lot and wanted to have a family. Maybe my ex was really a rotten sociopath and the rest of you are a lot better people.

    Biki - you asked what leads men to lie to their wives in the first place? Let's say the guy knew he was gay all along (like my husband). He lied to me way back when we dated and he asked me to marry him because of fear of coming out, societal and family pressure to conform, desire to be "normal", etc. From the minute he proposed to me - there was no way to get out of the mess he'd created without causing me pain. I think my husband felt he'd already screwed up and had already hurt me - and what is one more hurt on top of the chaos he'd already created by the original lie. At the end of the marriage, he really had no happy choices, and no resolutions that were not without significant pain.

    Lastly, I just wanted to say that a lot of women place a great deal of importance on fidelity. To find out your spouse has cheated on you - with a man or a woman - is the ultimate betrayal for some of us and can be a deal breaker for some of us.

    I am wondering if you guys were in a gay marriage or long-term relationship and were fully in love with your partner - if you wouldn't be similarly devestated or angry if you were cheated on. Or maybe men and women are just wired differently.

    Anyway - I for one was not full of hate until I found out my ex had cheated. But there is good news - the strong emotions die down over time. I don't hate my ex anymore. I doubt I'll ever actually respect him again - but I don't hate him and we co-parent well. I didn't go for the jugular in the divorce and never asked for a dime of alimony. I don't badmouth him to kids and they all have a nice relationship with him.

    Just some more thoughts from the other side...

  5. This totally is something I think about a lot. I haven't cheated on my wife, but I think about it a lot. I really love and respect my wife, but I also don't know what to do with the feelings for men. This is my struggle.

    The other part of this, though, is that I think there's a difference between how men and women view sex. Men can turn the emotion off with sex, or have different emotions with different people. Women see sex as a binding factor.

    For me, if my wife wanted to be with a woman on the side, I'm not sure I'd mind as long as it was just a fling. But, I really don't think women do that very often. I think that's just what goes on in my man brain. Sex is one thing, fidelity is another.

    This is a tough issue. Thanks for sharing.

    1. There are solutions for bi/gay men (and women) in otherwise happy marriages. Get help, figure out how to disclose, even if you've cheated. Some marriages survive (see "mixed orientation marriage). Many don't. But there's help for the hopeless. I know. I found it after 30+ years of increasing pain. See yahoo groups "HOW" (husbands out to wives) and "HUGS" (honesty, understanding, growth, support). My wife and I have built an amazing future, with a lot of help. If the marriage is real, it's worth the effort.

  6. Mack, you make a lot of sense. Women do think about these things differently from us. But we have to live with reality.

    The key concept about desires is that we don't actually have to act on them. This is the difference between men and, say, dogs. The "right thing" here is to remain faithful to your marriage covenant. I understand about your interest in men. A lot of us share it. Indeed, fundamentally there's no reason why women should be the only ones to react to what may be "hot" about a given man. But that doesn't mean that we have to pursue it when the cost is very high in terms of fracturing existing relationships that are important to us.

    Your wife has some obligations under that covenant, too, and I'm not merely talking about negative ones like not sleeping with other men. She also has the affirmative duty to let you make love to her, even if her libido is MIA. In any event, she is WAY too young to lack interest in sex. So I would urge you to work on the physical relationship with her. Maybe she could get counseling, some medical help or something of that nature. At a minimum, someone should help her understand the stress that her lack of interest imposes on you.

    I didn't see anything on your site (in a very brief visit) about children. You should have some, while you can. Nothing is more important or rewarding. How does your wife feel about the subject? Just wondering -- could your wife's lack of interest in sex possibly be tied to a subconscious afraid of becoming pregnant?

  7. Well, Frank, to your question, no I don't have kids. I would like to have them. She's not ready yet. She's also a few years younger than me, so it makes sense.

  8. While there are no sure-things in life and relationships, please don't bring children into your doomed marriage. I'm thinking the question is "when" you will divorce, rather than "if". Having children when you know there are unresolvable problems in a relationship is a very selfish thing to do. How about divorcing your wife, and adopting either on your own, or once you are in a commited gay relationship?

    My own kids suffered quite a bit when we told them we were divorcing and my ex first came out. My son was 11 at the time, and ended up being hospitalized for a week because he became suicidal.

    Kids do not fix an already troubled relationship.

  9. I so understand your approach to all this, Cameron. I am of similar mind. I'd just like to say that in these very complex matters, there is enough blame to go around, or it takes two to tango, not meaning to be glib. Also, life and literature are full of women who do not marry for love but for practical reasons. "You do it, too," is not a defense, but there is a case for self- and other forgiveness. also, it always surprises me that people profess that they don't know that their partner doesn't fully love them.

  10. To Ananymous (the wife)

    Wow, powerful. I appreciate that this comes from someone who has been there, and really respect your opinion.

    One thing I would like to comment on. You said

    "From the minute he proposed to me - there was no way to get out of the mess he'd created without causing me pain."

    I think the one way he would not have caused you pain is the desire (and delusion) that once we get married, settle down, and get busy with the relationship and the marriage, all of this "gay" burden will go away.

    Maybe this even works for some, but so many of these blogs prove otherwise.

    I doubt your ex meant to be hurtful, but without being able to see into the future, sometimes our hopes (of becoming straight) turn to dust.

  11. Anon 7:18, you spoke for me. I didn't think the gay thing would go away but I did think that once into the marriage, all could be well, and I could manage it. Thanks for our gentle and compassionate comment.

  12. The real tragedy is that so many women are available to be casualties, who view their lives as somehow more valuable if a man is present. Guilt, fidelity, or an attempt at "commitment" from the male side won't change a thing; like putting a band-aid on a giant black hole. The desires -- and the need to satisfy them -- will remain. And of course, men will ALWAYS use women as incubator's, to extend their legacy, if nothing more. I am realizing more and more that for women in "straight" relationships, the cost is simply too high.

    I would suggest to any woman listening that the best solution is to be more like men themselves: brash, strategic, and most importantly, SELF-SUSTAINED. So that we too can drop everything, in a moment's notice, and leave confidently.

    1. In my opinion the casualties are not women, the casualties is anyone male or female that lack the courage to accept and live the truth of who they are without looking for a scape goat. People who cheat or lie do so because they make a choice to, mainly because of lack of courage or an addiction to deceit (addictive high for many because of their low self-worth issues). Trust is paramount - not because of someone elses acceptance - look in the mirror. Stop the blame game and accept being gay or bisexual and get with others who can support you. It is 2012 - there is more support than ever. Seriously

    2. I think that is simplistic and judgmental. Living the "truth" means altering everything that can make you happy and that matters. You hurt your wife, possibly end up divorcing, anguish for the kids. What in the end? I life of loneliness. What if I truly love my wife but she does not supply what I need to sustain my sense of self. Who invented monogyny and what law says you are gay or you are stright and you have a binary choice. Maybe no law but it is written in the playbook of life and society and women WANT the man to belong ONLY to them. I just think the issue is very hard and it is easy if you are gay to be arrogant about "coming out" or if you are totally hetero- or a betrayed woman to feel a married man who supplements secretly to be the scum of the earth.

  13. Anon 10:49 - One problem is economics (speaking of strategic). Your view would suggest that a woman should ALWAYS think in terms of work, career, whether husband makes a pile of money or not. Makes sense but I'll bet it would really challenge a lot of straight men.

  14. Jason M: I was thinking more in terms of planning ahead and being cognisant. I'm not sure it matters where the income comes from, though having your own stash can't hurt.

    When you say, "straight men would be challenged," do you mean threatened by a second income, or the time-away factor? Anyway, this is 2011, don't we expect women to contribute something?

  15. I recently broke my bi-urges to my wife, before any actions on it, mind you. All my fears are now realized...
    My wife has been awesome and our relationship was always passionate, so I figured that talking about it couldn't hurt. This was not the case and we are very much on the verge of divorce. We have been together since our teens, and now, 16 years and 2 kids later that I have made a mistake by opening up sexual desires to her. Just a warning to all those that consider being open....

    1. Warning? Why? Telling the truth to your wife was the right thing to do. A marriage is nothing without honesty and trust. My husband and I are going through the same thing, luckily there are no children involved. Good luck and kudos to you for being "truthful"


    3. I have not opened up about my secrets either but Anonymous sums it up well. There is absolutely no forgiveness in the world for a married man on the DL. Adultery with a woman, theft, fraud, disregard for other people are all thought of as more understandable

  16. I discovered that my live-in boyfriend has gay tendencies. I snooped on his laptop and saw the gay porn, hook-up sights and ads, text messages to a tranny 4 months after I had given birth to our daughter. I tried to ignore this elephant in the room, and wanted it to not be true. I wish he would have never pursued me. I accidentally got pregnant with our son. It was a very difficult decision to continue the pregnancy, but I went ahead with it. I now have two beautiful young children, but can't stand their father. We fight a majority of the time. He is emotionally detached, doesn't treat me very well and has been verbally and physically violent with me. I tried to approach him to discuss his dishonesty both kindly and angrily, neither seems to work. My friend says it's because he has to much at stake as a public figure. He's a coach for an all boys catholic school, his parents are much older, his father is an ex-marine, he.s their only son, and he's a jock. I'm thinking of just calling it quits. I don't think he will ever come out.

  17. I have been there. And it was something I was totally unprepared for. But once I realized the truth of what he was doing, suddenly so many things started to make sense. Yet, he continues to this day to send me messages professing his love for me. I have not seen him in over a year. He is in a relationship and living with a woman...I'm sure she has no idea. They live in another state and I wish him well. But I will never get over the devastation. To know that I loved someone that really never existed is very hard. He totally convinced me that I was his EVERYTHING! He cried and begged me not to leave him. His last message two weeks ago said, "I am okay, missing you, I will forever." I feel sad for him. Because I don't know who he is and I doubt that he knows himself.

  18. I have cheated with both sexes, but no more. I am through with lies and deception. I want to be a man of integrity. My wife and I have done and are doing a lot of work to grow as a couple and as individuals after nearly three decades of marriage, but my bisexuality is still there. I'm not going to say it's a monkey wrench in the works--that remains to be seen. I won't deny my sexuality, or my love for my wife and family, so I'm open about it with my wife, even if I'm not acting on it. Nothing would make me happier than for her to share a gay tryst with me and another man, but it just isn't her thing. I have no idea how this will end.

    1. Now THAT is some honesty. Good luck and thanks for sharing that.


  20. I posted this on a different forum today after reading your blog. then thought I should ask you maybe.

    Ok, so I am a very open-minded bi-sexual woman. Sexually I am very experienced and really enjoy swinging with my boyfriend and couples.
    I enjoy these times with my boyfriend who is also bi-sexual.

    Often he goes to a park that is near by, he rides his bike there, to have sex with other men. They meet each other in the bushes and play. I encourage him to be himself, I believe that is the only way to have a true loving relationship with another person. My bf tells me about it and lets me know that it is just an urge he has sometimes and it has nothing to do with our relationship.

    He is usually a bottom with men in these situations and he tells me that he is usually just sucking cock and jerking off. He says is is always safe and can be there for 3 or 4 hours and cum multiple times.

    I've done a lot of searching on the web to find some advice on how to handle my feelings about this. On one hand I am so glad that he shares this with me and feels free to talk to me about anything.
    On the other hand, I feel like he is going out to get something he can get at home. I also don't understand what is so exciting about going to a park and sucking many guys' cocks. Also, I can't compete with them, I don't have a cock, so I feel like is some way I can't satisfy him. He tells me that I am the best and most exciting sex partner he's ever had, but still insists on going to the cruising spot.

    I understand that men and women think differently about sex. I found a blog today that came closer to explaining it than I've ever gotten before.

    "But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man."

    I would have loved if this blogger said more about this, but he didn't.

    How is it different than sex with women?
    How is it more exciting than sex with me?
    Why can't he cum that many times with me? We have sex a max of 2x a day.
    Can anyone explain more about the 'mindset'?
    Is he addicted to this behavior?
    Will he ever stop?
    How should I feel about it? I want to be accepting, but emotionally it hurts.

    I'd really appreciate any real advice especially from straight men that do this sort of thing. I don't judge and would love to get your input.

  21. Anonymous, Sexual addiction is very real. A lot of men, myself included, have been in relationships with women and found ourselves running to adult theaters for sex with complete strangers -- in spite of the fact that sex at home was great. It's a compulsion that's difficult to break because the blood-brain barrier is thin and porous and we get addicted to the unbelievable highs. This is hardly a justification, just one point of view about motive. Cheating is not justified on any front, and those like myself who are bisexual need to channel our energy back into our relationships. We can't have it all, and most adults understand this fact well. Just ask our kids.

  22. Hi Anonymous,
    could you please indulge me a little more and explain the difference between the 'unbelievable high' that you get from being with an anonymous male, and the high you must get from fucking and climaxing with your female partner?

    Thanks for your reply above!! I really appreciate it.

  23. I fell in love with a man who is a liar. He said gays were an abomination and quoted the Bible all day and night! I'm angry as hell because he lied to me from the start!! Why do they do this to people? ???

  24. I fell in love with a man who is a liar. He said gays were an abomination and quoted the Bible all day and night! I'm angry as hell because he lied to me from the start!! Why do they do this to people? ???

  25. Hey everybody, I am a young man, 23 years old and I'm terrified. Basically, I am already where some of you are. I have a girlfriend, we have been together 2 years. I have tried to be a good man, I have worked very hard to build a modest life, I have had issues with drug and alcohol addiction. I am now sober completely and in a program. On the outside, I am a good young man. People respect me because I have worked so hard to try and come back from my addiction, and I try my best to help others and be a good person. I have a girlfriend who loves me and I love her.. or at least I think I do. I seek out these women's husband's online. I am the "young, masc, bi, ddf, who prefers older men". That is who I am. I hate this about me, it is a blemish on my soul. I have always tried to be a good person, despite this and my past years where I was basically a teenage dope fiend. I have a girl who is favorite person, but I cheat on her! I try not too, I go for several months and then I end up kicking myself because I cheated! I don't know why, but I seek out older, married men for hook UPS. I feel so shitty after, and before hand I know it is wrong but its like I'm powerless. It's like my addiction all over again. All I feel is shame, remorse, self hate, "its always the last fix". But im seeing it will never be the last fix. My girl found my Craigslist post a year ago, and choose to stay with me because she loves me. I was so grateful, i knew then i wanted no other person in this world! But i cheated on her again, just the other day. With a 52 year old man with a wedding ring. I am scum, I want to stop but can't. I'm sorry for this. I know that I should never marry, or have kids. I will have to let my love go, its the only good thing to do. She will be hurt, and so will I. She will find another, and I will be alone.

  26. The pressure on men to conform to a "straight" socially acceptable lifestyle must be enourmous.
    At the end of the day these guys seem to me to be living everyone elses idea of what their life should be but secretly wanting to dally with men and as one person mentioned they cant stop as hard as they try....doesnt this tell you something boys...if you cant stop and you feel the need for it so much perhaps you should grow a set and stop using woman as a cover to fit in,,,,how unfair and selfish is that? Yes it is scary to come out, yes you do get discrimination and other rubbish flung at you but at least you are living your life rather than someone elses idea of what your life should be...and hopefully not wasting some poor unsuspecting woman's kife and chance to be with a man who really wants to be with her......now from my point of view of gay man who has been on the receiving end of liasons with these kind of guys ( I didnt say i was perfect)....the danger is that of seeing someone for 3 years or so develop a relationship with this guy and have an amazing connection and fall in love with this person to have them run like scared rabbits back to their girl and into the closet because of the their fear of the feeling and of exposure...ugh not good for the head or the heart.
    I've sworn of these guys because quite frankly theyre being cowards and in reality if these people can cheat on their significant other so easily why in gods name would they not cheat on you too.

  27. I guess my wife and I are different. We are certainly not the "typical black couple", her response was not the "typical" response one expects from a beautiful, intelligent, woman, such as my wife. In fact, sharing with her my experiences actually increased the level of trust and devotion! No threat of divorce, no hurt feelings, just a lot of curiosity and frank discussion. Ironically, I don't have the urges to have sex with men because I don't have to be on the DL, and I think the sneaking around part is the most arousing for men. But, if I wanted to, she's down with it because it's a turn on for her. Again, ironically, it just made my wife and our sex life even hotter (no sex with men required)! Everybody wins!

  28. Hi everyone. Read your posts with great interest
    Not all men on the DL are in the same position. I truly love my wife and kids who are all older now. I meet guys using the net. I don't feel guilty any more. Why? I married very young. In western European families there is a choice there is none for us. I was engaged at four years old married after my fifteenth birthday.
    Man up? Come out? What are the consequences of that?
    I am disowned. Maybe killed. Read about it on the web. My wife? She is shunned and updated as a leper. My children? Marriages broken up. My grandchildren what life they have?
    Freedom to decide is a luxury. To the outraged partners all I can say is yes you are right tn be angry. But don't paint everyone with your husband's colors. o

  29. I asked my wife what she defined as cheating, is it just sex with other people? and she said "going outside the marriage for things you could be getting from inside the marriage". So no, not just sex, kissing, hugging, loving, those types of things constituted cheating as well.

    So I discussed "pegging" with her. (her wearing a strap on device to have anal sex with me, as though I'm the female, and she's the male.) She was appalled, disgusted, and completely uninterested.

    So no, I'm *not* cheating when I let my boyfriend have anal sex with me. Its not something I could be getting from inside my marriage. There is no kissing, hugging, loving, etc. It doesn't overlap in any way. I never have an orgasm, I don't even get an erection. I'm always safe, and we're both disease and drug free. There's no risk of STDs.

    Besides, its not sex I'm looking for. Its abuse. Wonderful beautiful abuse. I get the verbal and emotional abuse from my wife, but she won't abuse me physically the way I need.

  30. My comment is the one above I'd like to add to it:

    I am not gay. I am at most bi-sexual. I LOVE having sex with my wife. She gets me rock hard all the time. I can't get enough of having sex with her. Other hot women turn me on, and make me rubber-neck. I never check out guys. I think many men who engage in this behavior are like me seeking to reproduce physical abuse from their childhoods. And people think that spanking their children is a good thing. I need beat now as an adult because I was beat so much as a child. Its how I feel "normal".

  31. I have been married 13 years and have been with my wife 20 years total.about 5 years ago I started fantasizing about oral sex with a man. I did not understand why. My wife and I had a great sexual relationship. It made me feel ashamed for a while so I decided to tell my wife. Best thing I ever did she immediately told me that most people in there life times have bi sexual fantasizes. She said not to worry about it. Well the fantasizes never totally went away and others started to take hold. I spoke with my wife about it again and she reassured me that there was nothing wrong with my fantasizes.About a month later she asked if I was still having these fantasizes, and I was . She went out and got me a couple of gay adult movies and urged me to watch them when I wanted and to also take the time to play when watching. She said that she did not want me to stray and the movies are there to full fill the fantasy. And it has worked I have never strayed and my collection of movies has grown. We are still very much in love and still have a great sex life. And she is still ok with my fantasizes. You see fantsizes are just that a fantasy. Most people never act on there fantasizes. And fantasizes are an important part of married couples lives. If my wife was like most that I have read here I would have probably been divorced. What I can say is that the reason for the fantasy is really not important. What is important is that honesty and understanding go a long ways.Having same sex urges should not be the reason to end a marriage.