But at the time, it was very real.
Part of being gay is dealing with self-hate. In a way, the hate is a disease. Mentally, you can try all kinds of tricks to help you cope but ultimately a "cure" comes from deep within. A place outside of our own control.
My self-hate peaked in a do-or-die month when I was 15. I feel fortunate to have dealt with it then. I know many men are still struggling with it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.
Fear, motivated by self-hate and homophobia, is what keeps most men in the closet. Although I wasn't fear-free by 16, the purge of self-hate at 15 laid the foundation for the rest of my unusual story.