Friday, October 4, 2013

Found! The Missing Three Chapters of "Fraternity Memoirs"

For those of you who are not familiar with "Fraternity Memoirs," it's a mostly-true tale of a college freshman and his crazy sexual experiences when he pledged a fraternity in the mid-'90s.  Written under the pen name of "John Walsh", the story has become a time-tested classic.  Although the last chapter was published in 2003, fans continue to scour the Internet on a daily basis hoping to find new installments.

The story is amazingly captivating, not only because of the hot sex, but also because of the people involved.  They're real and the more you read, the more you want to know about them and what happens next.

Walsh published 23 installments, between April of 2001 and December of 2003.  You can read them all HERE.

Because he never came close to finishing his story, Walsh was relentless badgered to write more, especially after he announced his "retirement."

Eventually he grew tired of being hounded so he agreed to provide closure by participating in a two-hour Internet chat session in April of 2004.  A hard-to-find log of that chat session is posted HERE.

Chronologically, the chat session tells the final parts of John's story.  However, the last time he actually provided new material was in June of 2006.

For years he'd been hinting that he had partially written chapters.  His fans, of course, begged him to either finish them or share what he had.  Finally, he did that, but in an extremely low key way.  He posted two emails to a small Yahoo group and added an attachment to the second email that included a rough draft of what he believed was one of his most important unpublished chapters.

Not long after he posted those emails, Yahoo deleted the group, and thus was born the legend of the "three missing chapters of Fraternity Memoirs."

I was recently shocked and thrilled to learn from Billy, a reader who stumbled on this blog, that the small Yahoo group was reinstated some weeks after it was deleted.  ALL of the messages remain deleted.  ALL of the original membership was removed.  However, still posted in the files section is a long lost gem, JW.htm.

The file is titled "Part of John Walsh's Synopsis."  Because I continually participated in all of the various Walsh-related yahoo groups, I am confident that I've read everything he's ever posted.  For that reason, I don't believe this file is part of anything bigger.  I believe the only other part of Walsh's synopsis is the much longer, story-ending Internet chat session that happened in 2004.

These "missing chapters" are exactly what I've been looking for and what's posted below is exactly what I remember reading.  As far as I know, there's nothing more.  This is it.

The way the file is posted in the Yahoo group, it looks like one chapter. But because I remember how it was originally written, I know what the three different parts were.  I have marked them below.  Other than that, and a few minor spelling corrections, what's posted below is the same file that's still posted in the Yahoo group.



[The First Email]

Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everyone. I hope you are all doing well. I'm better, after the little emotional breakdown that I had. Whew, I had a lot of things hitting me at once. Problems with a current relationship, a new attraction, a focus on a not so pleasant time of my life that I haven't confronted in a long time, and the realization that I had to address a broken, very broken, relationship of the past. I have a long way to go before I think I can have peace of mind, but I am working towards that. But the fact that I am facing all this, and I see that it will all turn out for the best, puts me in a much better frame of mind than I was a couple of weeks ago. Again, I want to thank each and everyone one of you for the e-mails you sent with kind words and caring. It means more than you know, and in a way, is giving me the courage to do what I have to do.

That said, I promised that I would never let the story end without wrapping it up. This may sound choppy, as I am going to try and fit a lot in a brief space, but maybe someday I will come back and fill in the middle. So here goes... Kevin and I continue to have a "secret relationship". I slowly become more comfortable with man-man sex and do become a much more willing and reciprocating partner. There came a point in time in my sophomore year that we were really pushing the envelope, hooking up in places where we should have been caught but never were, like in the bathroom at the Fraternity House while there was a line waiting outside to use the bathroom.

I should also mention that we did not get our charter back that year. While we were away for Spring break, a new group had petitioned to be recognized as well. It was a Fra-rority, as we called it. A group of 10 (minimum amount needed) made up of guys and girls. No one had ever even heard of this group, and we believe was put together by the dean of student life last minute to take our spot. Since the cap was put in place, with just one spot open, only one of us could be recognized. The dean also pulled something else out of his ass. He said something about the constitution of the greek council not addressing what would happen in such a case, and he appoint a special 5 member board (of which he was one) that would pick the group to be recognized. I'm sure its no surprise, but the other group one. Biggest load of hore shit ever. We thought about suing the school, but didn't have the money to do so. After trashing campus, we realized that we were much better underground anyway and not have to put up with the bullshit rules of the greek council. Without realizing it, the school had created its worst nightmare.

Before going home summer after my freshman year, I went on the annual canoe trip that my Fraternity has the weekend after finals were done. Its pretty much a send off to the graduating seniors. 8 hours of going down a river wasted and then camping out for the night. A bunch of us did mushrooms that day, neither Kevin nor Adam were shrooming. At one point, while my mind was tripping hard, I mentioned to Adam that what he saw in the tent at the pledge camping trip between Kevin and I wasn't the only time that it had happened. I don't remember it all that well since I was so fucked up, but what I do remember is that it was like a 20 second conversation. Didn't mean to tell him, and didn't even realize that I told him. You have to know shrooms to get how that can happen. One second you say one thing, and then the next second, you are on a completely different subject with no going back. I don't think that Adam even reacted. He knew I was wasted and let me go on.

That summer I worked in the beach club again. Although I was a little apprehensive to hook up with a guy so close to home, after awhile I couldn't resist my urge and was hooking up almost nightly with that guy Bobby. Bobby was the first guy that I fucked. And once I did, I loved it. It was definitely a drunk thing, knocking on his cabana at 2 in the morning and having sex. I was definitely using him. I'm not bragging, and regret it. We are still friends, Bobby and I, to a certain degree. We've talked about it, and I have apologized to him. But he never complained, and said that no apology was necessary. He knew that nothing "romantic" would ever happen between us, so in a way, he was using me as well.

Also that summer, I went down to the Jersey shore for a weekend and hung out at Adam's. We were really stoned one night and had a blast. Lying on the beach, Adam asked me if it was true what I had said about Kevin at the canoe trip. I hardly remembered telling him, and it shocked me. Come to think of it, the only real memory I have of the conversation at the canoe trip is what Adam told me. So its really his memory in my head. I told him that it was true, and was very shy about it. I asked him if he had ever hooked up with a guy before and he said that he had, in high school. He also admitted, that just like Kevin and I, he and Andy (pres) had messed around in the sleeping bag the night of their camping trip. But nothing ever happened between them again. When he was really stoned, he also admitted that from time to time, he still thought about hooking up with guys, but didn't think that he could ever do it again. Nothing that night happened between Adam and I. I was too afraid to initiate it, and who knows what could have happened, but I think that it could have. But still, it is one of the most memorable nights that I had. We really had a lot of fun, and one of the funniest fucking things happened that night that till this day, I still can't get through the story without crying from laughter and my stomach hurting. I don't have the time to tell it here, but maybe some day I will. I'm going to put this in parts, so it doesn't get cut off. I will, at least, write and post the second part tonight...

[The Second Email]

Sophomore year was a blast. Since Matt was away, and I really missed him, I lived with who I think I called Evan in the story. Big druggie and sold on campus. That quickly rubbed off on me (not selling, just using) and was pretty much stoned, coked up, drunk and/or tripping on a nightly basis. I was hell in the Residence Director's life. I was the kind of guy that you loved to hate. At least once a week, sometimes two or three, I was setting a fire alarm off in the middle of the night. I called them 4 o'clock socials. We were up and everyone was asleep at that time, and needed to hang out, so why not wake up the entire dorm and hang outside for awhile. Everyone, including the RA, knew I was doing them, but could never prove it. I was in her office weekly. But she really liked me for some odd reason, and I was never expelled from the dorms. We took a pledge class the first semester and it was so awesome to be on the other side. I rushed hard that semester, walking the dorms and encouraging everyone to come out.

There was one guy that I rushed really hard. He was so damn hot, and yes I wanted him. But he didn't want to pledge his freshman year. We saw him from time to time at parties, and we stayed friendly. I was one of the cool brothers to the pledges. I never gave out a demerit, never bitched out the pledges at
line ups, snuck them drinks and got them stoned when they weren't supposed to be, and even kidnapped one or two here and there so they could catch up on some sleep in my room. Both the fall and the sping class loved me. It came to the point where they were asking me to go on the pledge roadtrips with them, Philly, NYC, other campuses. They'd knock on my door and say Walsh, you want to come? Most times I was fucked up and was like hell yeah! Kevin and I continued to hook up. We hid it really well. no one had an idea, except Adam, and that was a really odd situation. I would catch Adam looking at Kevin and I if we were hanging together, and it always cause me to walk away from Kevin. I never told Kevin that Adam knew till Adam graduated.

Kevin was the first one to fuck me. It happened shortly into the first semester sophomore year. Since fucking Bobby over the summer, I was dying to try and fuck Kevin. But somehow, Kevin always seemed to be in control. And to a certain degree, I liked Kevin being in control. By this point, he had tried to fuck me a couple of times, but I always said no. But I finally made a bargain with him. I'd let him fuck me if he would let me fuck him. Kevin claimed that he was a top and never been fucked before (I will admit to an "untrue" part of FM. The night of the hookers, when I was pledging, that part was totally true, but the part about "red" going into the room with Kevin and the strap on was not true. I don't know why I put it in there or where I thought I would go with it...).

But who was going to go first? I totally wanted to go first, and so did Kevin. What decided it? A flip of the coin. And Kevin one. He fucked me first. And the first time was a terrible experience. It hurt so bad. I was so frightened of it that it was neither enjoyable for me or Kevin. AS soon as he was all the way in, I was screaming for him to take it out, or I literally squeezed him out. Kevin kept telling me to relax, and he did everything to get me to relax and open up. I knew he had been waiting for this a long time, but he eventually gave up. And it left me with a really bad taste for gay sex. I didn't even want to attempt fucking Kevin after that, I was so embarrassed and, well, violated.

But a couple of nights later, drunk, I was hooking up with Kevin again. I thought it would be my turn this time, but Kevin insisted that last time didn't count. So I let him try again. And this time, for whatever reason, it worked. My god did it work. It almost didn't. But something clicked. I opened up for Kevin, and although definitely painful to begin with, it eventually subsided and I felt the most immense pleasure I have ever felt in my life. And Kevin went a long time and fucked me hard, to the point that both of us were dripping sweat. We had tried a few positions, and finished up in the position that I liked the most, on my back with ankles up and in Kevin's hands. He really started to fuck me good. Hard, but not too hard, steady and long. And then this feeling was growing inside of me. A feeling of complete and utter pleasure. I was moaning as it swelled, and then it hit me. It felt I was coming, but physically, I wasn't, not just yet. I was overcome with the feeling of the most mind blowing orgasm, and just when it began to subside, without my touching my dick, I felt the surge of a second orgasm, and this time, my dick just started spewing cum all over me. I couldn't believe that I was cumming without anyone or anything touching my dick. It was, I can't even verbalize it properly, one of the most amazing sexual experiences I have ever had, and to this day, when I jerk off, my mind typically goes back to that moment. It was like a double orgasm. Kevin could do that to me here and there, not always, and only one other guy could make me cum that way.

When Kevin saw what he did to me, he was seconds behind me before emptying his own load, into the condom he was wearing, inside my ass. It took me like an hour before my mind was back to normal and functioning. And in typical JW fashion, I was guilty about it for days. I couldn't believe that I took so much pleasure in getting fucked. It was totally gay, which of course made me gay, which of course I wasn't. But I jerked off maybe 20 times in a week thinking about how amazing it felt. It took me almost a week before I could actually talk to Kevin. In my own way of dealing with things, it was easier to avoid Kevin than it was to confront the issue.

After that, Kevin wanted to fuck me all the time. But I didn't want to become a fuck rag for Kevin, even though on a certain level I wanted nothing more than to have an orgasm like that again. But eventually, I let my guard down, and Kevin was fucking me on a regular basis. Sometimes we'd fuck in the fraternity house while a party was going on, finding an empty bedroom upstairs to get it on. And the more that Kevin fucked me, the more I opened up to him and eventually began to fall in love with Kevin. And yes, I did, on occasion, fuck Kevin. But he definitely was more of a top than a bottom, which was fine with me.

I had another feel up of Adam that first semester, but this time he was awake. During that pledge class' hooker night, I had an idea. I wanted to repeat the threesome that Adam and I had. So I approached him on it, very nervous since he knew about Kevin and I, and said that I was buying if he was interested. He didn't jump on the idea, but after thinking about it, he agreed. It was definitely a little awkward at first. As much as I wanted to touch him, I felt that he was avoiding actually touching me. But at one point, the chick was sucking Adam's dick and I was lying next to him watching her slurp on his dick. This time around, I didn't even care about the chick. I was here to se Adam. He had his eyes closed and without thinking much about it, I reached out my hand and started feeling up his chest. He didn't open his eyes at first, but eventually he did and saw that it was me. He didn't say anything, he just looked me in the eyes before closing them once again. I took that as a sign that he was OK with it and I continued to feel up his chest and play with his nipples.

I desperately wanted to bring my mouth to his nipples and suck on them, but with the chick in the room, I was too embarrassed. And when the girl looked up and saw what I was doing, I was self conscious about it and took my hand away. That was most of the contact we had until the end. The hooker was sucking my dick while Adam fucked her doggie style. I felt a pair of hands on my calves, which I thought were her's at first. But then I realized where he hands were, pretty much right next to my hips. And as I looked in between her legs, I saw that it was Adam who had his hands down and rubbing my calves. I looked up and Adam was looking at me. Knowing that he was touching me and looking at me, I pretty much shot my load immediately. Adam wasn't too far behind me.

After we were done, nothing was said about it. I mean, we didn't do too much to talk about, but it was worth every dollar. And throughout the entire first semester, I hooked up with more chicks than anyone. Since I was so fucked up most of the time, many of them were nothing to brag about. I needed the cover, even for myself. Yes, I liked getting fucked by Kevin, but see, I still liked hooking up with girls. All - Yeah, I know this isn't the greatest way to "End it". But as Conorb22 mentioned, I may never write the whole story. So rather than leave you there in limbo, I figure the synopsis is better than nothing at all. After sticking with me after all this time, its the least that I can do.

[The Email Attachment]

At the end of first semester sophomore year, I ran for Chaplain and won. As far as big things that happened second semester sophomre year, only a couple of big things happened to me that I can think of at the moment. One, I found out that I was not the only guy that Kevin was hooking up with, and that in fact, I was just one of many. It shattered me, to a certain degree. I mentioned last e-mail that I was beginning to "fall" for Kevin. And it wasn't so much that I loved him, I just thought that what we had was special and unique between the two of us. I dealt with it, but it was never quite the same again, the intimacy to me felt gone somewhat, and I was just another hook up. He told me that I wasn't, but I could read through his lines. I didn't want him to give up hooking up with other guys, I wasn't looking for a relationship, it just hurt, if you know what I mean. Kevin and I did continue to fool around though. And although I began to open my eyes up to other possibilities (men) besides Kevin, I never did anything with anyone else, besides...

Two, a few weeks into second semester, Adam was beginning to have the "graduation blues", knowing that at the end of this semester, he would be in the real world. I actually have about half of the story written, all the way up the sex part. I am attaching what I have written of the chapter. Its pretty much the set up. I haven't edited it, and I think its pretty raw, so please forgive the typos. What is missing is the juicy part.

It was a Wednesday and neither Adam nor I had classes. We decided to go out and get some lunch at The Olive Garden, just the two of us. I loved spending time just with Adam. Lunch was good and Adam was
talking about how he wanted to do something spontaneous soon, since he would be graduating at the end of the semester. When we were done with lunch we hopped in my car and headed back to campus. Since he had mentioned it, my mind had been running crazy trying to think of something spontaneous that we could do before the semester ends. Adam had done so much for me the last couple of years, that I wanted to do something for him in return. And then I had an idea. It came out of nowhere. I debated it a minute with myself and then smiled at my thought. But should we do it right now, I wondered? Right now would be spontaneous, and that's what he wanted.

Why the fuck not, I thought, lets go for it. I stopped at a gas station and filled the car up, putting the final touches to my idea. This could be fun, but we had a long drive ahead of us. I hoped that Adam was in the same mindset as myself, that he really wanted to be spontaneous, and that it just wasn't lunch conversation. Back in the car, I had to do everything I could to contain myself from laughing. Nothing was particularly funny, I was just excited. We drove past campus and Adam says, "Ah, Walsh, that was our exit?" and points behind us. "I know," I say, trying not to laugh, but I can't help myself. "What? What are you laughing at? Where are you going?" "I was thinking about what you said. We're heading someplace spontaneous," I answered. "Yeah, cool. Where?" he asked and looked at his watch. I hoped he didn't need to be anyplace, we wouldn't be back to campus any time soon. "I don't know, I'll tell you when I figure it out," I responded. I had already figured it out, but I was afraid to tell Adam because he may opt out. Not that he wouldn't
want to go, but there were other considerations, like Michele. He gave me this "what are you up to look?" but didn't challenge me.

So I drove and drove some more. I had thrown in a Chili Peppers tape and we talked about the new pledge class, who we thought was going to drop and whatnot. "Philly?" he asked me, as we approached the City. "Maybe," I said with a smile. As we hit Philly the Chili's tape was over and I threw in Dave Matthews. Philly isn't that big of a City, and in a few minutes, we were through Philly and I was still heading south. Adam was ready to play my game and didn't flinch as we crossed into Delaware. Adam is a little bit of a control freak, and I know he didn't like not knowing where we were going. But he didn't show it. "I know where we are going," he said about 10 minutes through Delaware, which on I-95 is like half way through the State. Delaware is tiny for those of you on the west coast. "Where?" I amused him. "Baltimore." But it was more of a question than an answer. "Maybe," I responded. He looked at me, trying to figure me out. I tried not to laugh, but a smile came to my face.

He took that as an affirmation, but boy, was he wrong. "Well, it's awhile till Baltimore, which is cool, because I want to talk to you about something," he said. What Adam told me took me as a surprise. He was thinking about taking the NJ State Troopers test. If you recall, Adam is a business major. He never mentioned anything about law enforcement before so this was news to me. I told him I thought it was cool, but why the sudden change? He had taken a Law and Justice class last semester as an elective. It was supposed to be an easy A, which it was, but he absolutely loved the class. Since then, it's been on his mind and he thought it would be something that he would really enjoy doing. He also said that he didn't want to have a suit job with the same monotonous hours crunching numbers. He'd watched his father do it for years and wasn't certain that he wanted the same life. But he was afraid about how Michele was going to take it. He knew how she was going to take it, and it wasn't going to be good.

My response was that it was his life, and he should do what he wants to do. After all, its not like they were married or anything. And then he said what I knew would be said one day, I just hoped that day would never come. "True, but we're gonna get married some day." I wanted this to be a happy trip and didn't want my opinion on that to be known, so I kept my answer to myself. I'd known Adam for over a year now, and I still didn't understand his relationship with Michele. We'd talked about her dozens of times, but he always talks so highly of her, and I've never had the heart to say that she is a boring, control freak drip that doesn't like any of your friends. "You could do so much better,' I wanted to say. But didn't, because somewhere, deep down inside, I was jealous. The ¡¥better' was me, John Walsh. He's be so much better off with me. An impossibility, I knew, on both of our parts. But still, I was jealous. And I refused to let my jealousy speak for me. So instead, I avoided the Michele subject all together. "Well, if it's meant to be, she will have to understand," I answered.

He was also nervous about the background checks. According to Adam, they did a pretty thorough investigation and interviewed friends and family. Adam wasn't big into drugs, but he smokes some pot here and there. His biggest fear was them finding out about that one time he tried mushrooms. And has been blitzed on more than a few occasions. My view on that was that everyone has smoked pot to some degree, and certainly cops were known to be drinkers, that he shouldn't be too worried about that. And as far as the mushrooms, no one, not even Michele, knew about that but his Brothers and we would cover for him. We talked to it for a good hour or more. The test was in a few weeks, and he decided to wait and tell Michele until he had the results of the test back. If he didn't score high enough to make the academy, why even bring it up. It sounded like a bad idea to me, but I agreed with him. This time, I allowed my jealousy to speak for me.

Eventually, we made our way into Baltimore. After going through the tunnel, I moved over into the right hand lane, as if I was going to exit into Baltimore. "I knew it," Adam said. Sucker. Instead, I passed a car in front of me, in the center lane, and then pulled back in front of it. "You knew what?" I asked as Baltimore disappeared behind us. "Damn Walsh, where the hell are you taking us?" I cracked up laughing, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I was excited, but a little worried myself. Would he totally freak? I'd have to tell him eventually, I didn't know how much longer he could keep guessing before he demanded to know where we were going. "I had no idea when I woke up this morning that we would be doing this. Evan is going to freak when I call him and tell him where we are," I said, egging Adam on. "And that would be?" "You'll see when we get there. You said you wanted to do something spontaneous, right?" "Yeah, I did. But I thought spontaneous was something spur of the moment, not two and half hours in the car," he said sarcastically back.

I kept quiet, thinking, we got a lot further to go yet, two and half hours ain't nothing. "Washington D.C.?" he asked. "Maybe," I shrugged my shoulders. Almost out of gas before hitting  Washington DC, I pulled over to fill up again. Adam jumped out to take a leak and grab something to drink. I ran in to take a piss myself and Adam was paying for a Coke, a Yohoo and a couple of candy bars. It brought a smile to my face, seeing him buy me the Yohoo. It was for me. He knew it was my favorite and was buying it for me, without even asking. Consideration, just like that, went far with me. When I came out of the gas station, Adam was standing outside the car. The drinks and snacks on the roof. "You ready?" I asked him as I opened the driver's side car.

"I'm not getting in till you tell me where we are going." "That's not very spontaneous," I joked. "Fuck spontaneous, I want to know," he answered. He wasn't mad, but I could tell he was serious. I couldn't blame him, we had been driving for hours. "If you really want to know and ruin the surprise, we are going to Washington D.C. There, are you happy now?" I pretended to be pissed and jumped in the car, starting the engine. Adam grabbed the snacks and got in the car himself. "Don't be mad Walsh, I just wanted to know where the hell we were going. I've gone along with this for a long time and wanted to make sure that we were actually headed somewhere." He passed me the Yohoo, holding it out, like he was making peace. He was so damn cute I couldn't stand it. Me Adam, you should be with me, not Michele.

"Well, we're almost there, so lets get going," I said as I took the Yohoo from him. "To the Capital, driver," he said as I put the car in drive and got back on I-95. When we drove past Washington DC, Adam's face turned sour. "What the fuck Walsh, we are we going?" It was like he was the Pledge Master again, and I was the pledge. His tone was annoyed and harsh. He wasn't playing anymore and I needed to tell him where we are going. I could hear it in his voice, the game was up. "You really want to know?" "Yes, I really want to know. Pull the car over." "I don't want to pull the car over, I'll tell you while" And Adam cut me off. "Pull the fucking car over Walsh so we can talk about this."

This wasn't going exactly as I had imagined. I pulled off to the shoulder, stopped the car and put it in Park. Adam took the last slug of his Coke then twisted the top back on, tight. "Thank you," he said, his voice a lot calmer. "Sorry for yelling, but please tell me where we are going, and tell me the truth this time." "Florida," I answered, looking at him for a reaction. "Florida?" His reaction was one of disbelief. He was shaking his ;head like it didn't calculate. "Yeah, I thought it would be spontaneous and fun." ;; He seemed to mull the thought over for a second. ; "Florida?" he asked again. "Yeah," I answered again, a little less confident than the first time.

"We can't go to Florida. We don't have any clothes, or money." "We got our ATM and credit cards. Whatever we don't have, we can buy." He wasn't as excited about the idea as I was. "I don't know," his voice trailed off. "C'mon Adam. This is going to be a great time. We'll get a hotel room by the beach, hang out and get drunk for a few days and then come back. You wanted spontaneous and you got spontaneous. I thought you'd be psyched." I was pleading my case before Adam said to turn around. "Michele is going to flip," he said. "Fuck Michele dude. She may be your girlfriend, but you're my Big and we're going to have an awesome weekend. She can deal with that." "You going to call her and tell her that?" "Not a chance. Tell her I kidnapped and drugged you, and you woke up in Florida." "She'll call the cops," he joked. His mood was lightening. "I'll tell her you want to be a cop," I snapped back. "Is that blackmail, Brother Walsh?" he asked with a smile. "Take it as you want. So what's your deal, are you in you fucking pussy, or what?" I asked, my own confidence growing again. "Give me a minute to think about it," he said as he looked out his side window. "Please say yes, please say yes' I repeated in my head while Adam thought it out. "You know, you're fucking crazy Walsh," Adam said, looking at me, still in disbelief. "You're just figuring that out now?" "No, but it's the icing on the cake.

So what part of Florida were you thinking?" "Daytona Beach. So does this mean you are in?" "Yeah, I'm in," he grinned, still shaking his head at me, "Michele is going to have a cow, but as you said, she'll have to deal with it." "Now that's the Adam I know and love," I said. To Adam, it was just a saying. But the saying resonated in my own ears, love. Yeah, but not really love, in the literal sense, I assured myself, putting the car in drive, gunning the gas and pulling back onto I- 95. Neither of us had cell phones, this was just before the cell phone boom. Next time we needed gas, Adam decided, he would make the phone call to Michele and let her know that we wouldn't be back till Sunday. He wasn't looking forward to the phone call one bit, he told me.

After being solemn for a few minutes, I assume thinking about the phone call to Michele, Adam shifted gears and became completely excited. He had gone to Daytona for Spring Break his sophomore year, so he knew a bunch of fun places to hang out. He started telling me all about that Spring Break and the girls that he had hooked up with. Hearing Adam talk about pussy was making me hard. Nonchalantly, I tucked my growing dick under the seam of my crotch, somewhat hiding it, as Adam continued to tell me about the buxom blonde that he was doing body shots off of all night and later took back to his room.

In North Carolina, the car was finally on E. I pulled into a gas station and Adam almost looked pale. Was he really that afraid of her, I wondered? That would totally suck, not being able to tell your girl that you are hanging out with a bud for a few days. Did she not trust him? "I guess its that time, huh?" he asked, looking at me. "You can wait till the next station, if you want," I suggested. "Nah, I'm sure she's already called the House like 5 times looking for me. No time like the present, compadre," he said as he winked, opened his door and walked into the gas station quick mart. I filled up the car as I watched through the window, Adam pick up the phone and dial. Shit, even I was nervous for him, I could feel it in my own stomach. This is good for him, I assured myself. The snap of the gas handle, indicating that the car was full, woke me out of my trance of observing Adam and his phone conversation with Chele. I was imagining how it was going, hoping for the best. If she's a real bitch about it, she could totally ruin the weekend.

Gas handle back in place, I walked inside to pay for the gas. I handed the cashier my credit card. I couldn't hear the conversation that Adam was having. He wasn't yelling, so I guess that is a good thing. Unless of course, she is doing all the yelling on the other side of the phone. As I signed my name to the receipt, I debated walking over there to see how it was going. But I decided against it, best to leave him be. He was by the bathroom, and although I had to go, I could wait till we stopped at Burger King for something to eat. I stretched a little before getting back in the car. It was a few minutes before Adam was done with Michele. My eyes followed him as he hung up the phone, walked out of the station, came up to the car, opened the door and hopped in. "That didn't go so well," he said as he closed the car door. "No?" I asked. "Not at all. She totally flipped, talking about responsibility, immaturity and how I always put her second to my Brothers and the Fraternity. She said if I wasn't back by midnight, we were done." "Shit, really?"

I felt bad. I knew she was going to take this bad, but not this bad. I certainly didn't think they would break up over this. But on some level, I was jumping up and down inside. "Yeah," Adam said looking into his lap. "Should we go back then?" I asked. "Nah, fuck her." "You sure Adam? We can go back, I totally understand." "No, I'm sick of that shit. She's always threatening to break up with me over the stupidest shit. I'm just going to let her wallow in her own misery till Sunday, teach her a lesson." "So you're breaking up with her?" "No, there's no way she'd break up with me. She just likes to make my life hell when I'm not doing exactly what she wants. I'll have to deal with the cold shoulder for a week or so, but  she'll get over it." "You sure?" "Yeah man, I'm not going to let that bitch ruin our good time," he said while chuckling.

"You hungry," he asked, changing the subject, "Because I'm starving?" "Burger King?" "Sounds good," Adam replied. We got our food to go and switched, so that Adam took a turn at driving. Being winter, it was dark already and we had another 8 hours or so to go. We passed the time by talking and joking the entire way. Michele's name didn't come up at all, and I was glad about that. I didn't want him harping on the subject.

Moving this along, we drove all night and finally got to Daytona at like 6 AM Thursday morning. I had slept a little while, and now I was back to driving while Adam slept. Trying to save some money, I picked one of the Motels on the beach, instead of one of the more expensive name hotels. I pulled into the parking lot and found a spot. I thought that Adam would wake up, but he didn't. He must have been exhausted. I looked at him for a moment, eyes closed, his mouth open and breathing heavy. Stubble breaking through his skin. He was fucking hot alright. He was right, Michele would never break up with him. How could she ever leave such an awesome guy? I figured I would let Adam sleep. No use in getting him up till I knew the place had a vacancy. I stepped into the cool morning air, the sun not quite up and the smell of the ocean in the air. I stretched hard, realizing just how tired I was. I didn't want to get back in the car, please let the place have a

I walked around the front of the place and looked in the window of the guest house, hoping that the place wasn't closed. I saw a TV on and was glad to see that they were open. I opened the door and a buzzer went off, alerting whoever was on duty that there was a guest present. I stood at the counter a minute or so till an older looking gentleman came around from the back someplace. "Good morning," he said, cheery eyed for six in the morning. "Good morning," I said back with what energy I had. "Do you have a reservation?" he asked. "No, I don't. Do you have any vacancy?" "Sure do, we don't get busy down here for another couple of weeks when Bike week and Spring Break start up." "How much are the rooms?" I asked. The old guy pointed to a board against the wall to his left. I read what it said. Standard rooms, $79 a night for single occupancy, $99 for double and $129 for a family. Rooms facing the beach are $109 a night for single occupancy, $129 for double and $159 for a family." "Sounds like a pretty good deal to me," I said. "Still off season, though its supposed to get pretty warm this weekend, so you should luck out with the weather. How many nights you staying?" "Probably check out Sunday morning," I answered. "Just you in the room?" he asked. Looking at the board, I thought I would save us a few dollars and answered, "Yeah, just me."

"Young lad like you should have no problem finding a pretty lady to share the bed with," he said, typing the keyboard of a computer. Reviewing something on the screen, he added, "I have a room facing the beach, has a patio. You want it?" "Sure," I said, laughing a little at the old dude. Why do old people often hint at sex with young people? Maybe they like to think they were young again and getting some. "I'll need a credit card and license, please," he requested. As we took care of the paperwork, the guy told me there was an outdoor pool in the back and a hot tub. The pool is not heated, so it's a little chilly he warned. He handed me a key and told me to pull all the way to the back to unload the car, top floor, room 217. I thanked the guy, took the key and left the office. The sun was almost up at this point. I got back in the car and Adam was still snoozing away. I didn't have far to move the car. I would have left it where it was, actually since we didn't have any bags. But I didn't want the old guy to see Adam get out of the car. Back a little further, we would be out of his view. In another parking spot by the stairs, it was time to get Adam up. Instead of just calling his name, I put my hand on his leg, high up on his thigh, almost at his crotch. I had to touch him after being this close to him for so many hours. Shaking his leg, enjoying the feel of his meaty legs, I said his name. He was sleeping pretty deeply, and I was able to get another few seconds of leg before he stirred.

"We're here," I said, removing my hand before he opened his eyes. "Really, awesome," he responded, taking a second to wake himself, opening his eyes and lifting his head. I got out of the car, walking around to Adam's side and opened the door for him. Cracking his neck, he slowly stepped out of the car. "Damn, it's chilly," he said, standing up. Like me, he had on a T- Shirt and jeans. We had been wearing sweaters and jackets back home, but we shed those off in the car. Adam gave a huge stretch, raising his hands to the shy. As he did so, his t-shirt lifted, revealing his lower stomach and belly button, treasure trail coming out from under his jeans. I was sleepy, but my dick was awake. At the site of Adam's skin, my dick lengthened. This was going to be a difficult weekend. I was going to have to pull one off and get rid of some of my horniness, cause Adam was making me horny as hell. "Yeah," I replied, taking my eyes off of Adam's hard stomach and
 looking at the sky. "Guy at the front desk said it was supposed to warm up, so hopefully we'll be able to use the beach some." "I hope so," Adam said, "Otherwise, we're going to be doing a lot of drinking." He was looking more awake. "What do you mean, ¡¥otherwise', we'll definitely be doing a lot of drinking either way." "I knew you'd say that."

"Let's get to the room and catch some Z's, I'm exhausted from driving." We grabbed our sweaters and jackets and walked up the stairs to the room. We came upon room 217 and I opened the door. The room was on the smaller side, bathroom to the left and then a small closet. Stepping further into the room, there was a couple of dressers, a wicker love seat and only one king sized bed. Adam noticed that as well and said, "There's only one bed." "Damn, I said single occupancy to save a couple of dollars, but I still thought there would be two beds," I explained. "Huh?" I told Adam about the prices on the board and how I thought I could save about 30 dollars a night. But I thought that they were charging by the number of people, not the number of beds. I assumed that there would still be two beds. And for you, the readers, really, I did think just that. This wasn't a plan of mine at all, although I was completely content with the way this had turned out. Unless, of course, Adam wanted to get another room, which I had to offer. "Later today, when the guy who checked me in is gone, we can get another room with two beds," I suggested. "That's cool, whatever," Adam said as he walked past the bed to a set of sliding glass windows covered with drapes.

 I followed him to the doors as he pulled the drapes open. The doors led to a small porch over looking the beach and the ocean. Directly below us was the pool and hot tub. "Nice view," Adam said, stepping out to the porch, waves crashing the only sound in the early morning peace. The porch has a table, umbrella and set of patio chairs on it. "Yeah, beautiful," I replied looking to the left and the right, endless miles of empty beach and water visible in every direction. "Well, I'm going to try and catch a few hours of sleep so I don't sleep the entire day away tomorrow," I said. "No man, don't crash yet. The sun is about to rise, sit on the porch with me and watch it come up," he offered. "OK, good idea." As exhausted as I was, how could I say no to such a thing. And so Adam and I sat on the porch, chair next to chair, watching the horizon as the sun came up. It was a spectacular sunrise, bringing in the new day. I watched Adam as much as I did the sun, his handsome face staring out to sea as the sun came above the water line. As I was looking at him, he turned and looked at me. "Nice, huh," he said with a big smile. "Beautiful," I answered, but I wasn't talking about the sun. I needed to get to bed before I did something stupid in my grogginess. After watching for another couple of minutes, my eyes began to close. "Adam, I can't keep my eyes open, I need to get some sleep." "Go ahead," he said, "I'm going to sit here a little while longer." "You can have the bed, I'll crash on the floor," I suggested. "Nah Bro, you did most of the driving, you take the bed. I'll crash on the floor." "You sure?" "Yeah." "OK, thanks," I said. I turned to go into the room, but stopped.

Looking at Adam over my right shoulder, I added. "You can get in the bed too, if the floor's like totally uncomfortable or something. It's not like this is the first bed that we shared." It was awkward, the way it came out, but I felt oddly comfortable offering Adam to share the bed with me. "Cool," was all that Adam responded. The room was a little chilly, so I left my t-shirt, pants and socks on. I pulled down the covers and got in bed. After all that driving, the bed felt amazing. I was excited about the three days that Adam and I would be spending together, just the two of us. And that is what I was thinking about as I fell asleep. Some hours later, I heard the door to the room close, waking me. I opened my eyes and came upon the alarm clock. 12:37 the alarm clock read. I looked around the room trying to identify what the noise that woke me up was. Adam was standing by the dresser with a bunch of bags in his hand. "Hey Adam," I said, sitting up in
 bed and rubbing my eyes. "The zombie is awake," Adam answered. "Yeah, you sleep at all?" "I fell asleep for a couple of hours, then ran out and picked up some stuff for us." "Stuff?" "Yeah, toiletries and shit. I  picked up some clothes too." "Nice. How is it out there?" "It's nice, sunny, like 70 degrees. Not hot, but a lot warmer than home." "Warm enough to use the beach?" "I think so, yeah. I don't know about going in the water, but I guess we'll see. I'm going to jump in the shower. I got some coffee too, I know how you need your coffee in the morning." Adam knows me all too well from sleeping over the House after parties. I can't get myself moving till I get come caffeine in me.

"Damn man, you're on the ball, thanks." "No problem," he said and went into the bathroom. Before getting out of bed, I noticed that the other side of the bed had been slept in. When I had got in the bed, I only pulled the covers of my side, the other side still made. But now the sheets were tossed and the pillows shifted. So Adam had slept in the bed. No big deal, but it was nice to know that Adam had slept next to me. I got out of bed and grabbed my coffee. After a few sips, it hit me. Shit, I got to call Evan. He's probably freaking out. I went to the phone and dialed our number. He was probably in the Student Center, but I'd leave him a message. I did get the machine. "Evan, hey, it's John. Listen man, I'm in Florida with Adam. We just started driving, like a spontaneous thing, and we ended up here. We should be back on Sunday, but I'll try and catch up with you later. Tell Matt for me. And if my parents call, don't tell them I am in Florida, just tell them I am out. Laters man."

I went through the bags that Adam brought back. The boy went to town. He bought two bathing suits, 4 surfer shirts, two pairs of flip flops, and two beach towels for the day. He also purchased clothes to wear at night, a couple of Khaki shorts and nicer t- shirts. A few minutes later, Adam came out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist. I was sitting on the wicker couch, drinking my coffee and looking out the patio doors. "Shower was awesome," Adam said as pulled the clothes out of the bag. "Yeah?" I asked, checking him out nonchalantly as lay the clothes out on the bed. "Hot shower felt good after being in the car for so long. You see the clothes I got?" "I did, nice job." "I figured we're about the same size, so hope they fit you." Adam was standing facing the bed, and I was kind of behind him. He dropped his towel, exposing his naked ass to me.

Running the Lacrosse field gave Adam a hard, firm ass. It was basically smooth, but you could see that he had some dark hairs between the crack of his ass when he shifted weight on his legs. The sight of which made my dick start to go hard. I watched quietly as Adam pulled the tags off of one of the bathing suits, tossing them on the bed. He turned and faced me and I could see his manhood. I looked for a second, but quickly averted my eyes. It was hardly the fist time I had seen Adam naked, but it always had the same effect on me, instant erection. "I'm going to wear these ones, is that alright?" he asked, holding the shorts up. "Yeah, you bought them, you wear what you want," I responded. He was holding them just above waist level, so I could look at them and his dick at the same time. His dick was full and hanging at about 4 inches, surrounded by a nice bush of light brown pubic hair. "OK, I want," he said, bending down and stepping into them. I watched the nylon shorts slide up his legs. I had to jump in the shower and cool down. "I guess I'll jump in the shower now," I said as Adam stuffed his dick and balls comfortably in the shorts and tied the string of the waistband. "Hurry up so we can hit the beach," he responded.

I made my way into the bathroom, stripped and got in the shower. I turned on the water. My dick was bone hard. I was fucking horny. I grabbed the soap and started lathering my chest as the shower sprayed on my shoulders. I soaped up my crotch, massaged my erection. It felt damn good. I needed to jerk off so that I wasn't throwing wood all day. I typically jerk off at least once a day, usually twice, and spending the entire day in the car yesterday, I hadn't had the opportunity at all. I closed my eyes as I continued to stroke my soap lubed dick. I imagined Adam's ass that I just saw a few minutes ago. In my mind, I got up off the wicker couch and stepped behind Adam. I pushed Adam on the bed, chest down, so that his ass was sticking up in the air towards me. I pulled my own pants down as I rubbed my hand up and down his exposed furry crack. As this scene ran through my head, I began quickening up the pace of my strokes. It was only going to take another 30 seconds before I was shooting all over the shower wall. Getting right to it, in my fantasy, I spread Adam ass cheeks, revealing his pucker. It quivered, inviting me to stick my ultra hard cock up his ass. Adam didn't fight me at all. He wanted to be fucked real bad. "Do it, Walsh," he begged, "I want to feel your dick in my ass.' I gave him what he wanted and drove my shaft right in. Adam moaned like a mad man, but kept his ass high, hungry for more. I started with a rapid pace, Adam grabbing the sheets with his fists at the pleasure pounding I was giving him. Meanwhile, I started fucking my fist in the shower, not stroking, but pushing my slippery dick in and out of my hand with my hips. It wouldn't be long, just a few more thrusts. I felt my dick getting bigger in my fist, expanding at the impending orgasm. I couldn't wait to cum.

"Walsh, you mind if I shave while you shower?" "What?" I asked, suddenly aware that Adam was in the bathroom with me. I immediately stopped stroking, caught off guard. My balls screamed: "No! We're fucking there, a few more strokes." "I want to shave so I can get some color, is that cool?" "Ah, yeah, it's cool." "Thanks," he responded and I heard him turn the water in the sink on. Instead of going down, my dick seemed to get harder now that Adam was in the room and my desire to finish jerking off only grew. Should I? The nasty part of me said: "Hell, yeah. Jerk off while Adam is in the room, that's fucking hot." So I did. I kept my strokes at a non-audible pace, jerking off knowing that Adam was only a few steps away from me, shaving, bare-chested and wearing only a bathing suit.

Back to fucking Adam in my mind, I had flipped Adam over on the bed, so I could see the lust on his face as I pistoned into him. He was biting his lower lip, the muscles of his chest jiggling with the motion of our penetration. Adam started jerking his own hard dick as I drove into him, rubbing his prostate, and he spewed like a geyser. That scene, in my mind, caused me to start shooting in the shower. My legs gave a little and I was light headed as shot after shot of hot jism left my cock. I kept my breathing low so that Adam couldn't hear me. The orgasm was intense and my body shuddered as the warm water ran over my body and swollen dick. Fuck, I wish every jerk off orgasm was like that, it was almost as good as the real thing. And I'm sure that Adam being right there had a big thing to do with that. As my bliss subsided, I began to feel a little guilty. The silence in the bathroom only seemed to add to my guilt, so I started a conversation with Adam as I finished soaping the rest of my body and my dick deflated. "We should grab something to eat and bring to the beach. I just realized how hungry I am," I suggested. "Sounds good to me," Adam responded.

**** We had a good time at the beach. It was empty, so it must have been evident that we were tourists. It was a nice day, but not nice enough for the locals to hit the beach. Which was fine with me, I wanted the
time with Adam. We pretty much lounged on our towels just talking. We put our feet in the water, but it was definitely too cold to go swimming. Around 4 o'clock, the wind picked up and the beach became chilly. So we picked up our stuff and headed back to the room. On the way, we picked up a bottle of vodka, some orange juice, beer and a deck of cards. Back in the room, we watched some TV and started drinking, which is exactly what I would be doing in the dorms. We played cards for a couple of hours, having a good time. "I must say Adam, I'm very impressed," I said at one point. "At what?" "That you haven't spoken about or called Michele all day."

"I thought about it, but figure, what the hell, if she said we'd break up over this, then we're broken up till I get back." "That's might brave of you bud, or is that the booze speaking?" "90% booze," he said with a smile, "10% bravery." "Well, if you're broken up, does that mean that you will be on the prowl tonight?" Adam chuckled, "I don't know about that."

**** We showered and got dressed and figured we would walk the strip and see if anything was doing. Much like the beach, the bars were empty. But we were kind of expecting that. We were in and out a couple of different places, having a drink at each one. We were at this one bar and asked the bartender where a good place to go was. He said that there was pretty much nothing going on, but on Thursdays a lot of the locals went to one of the hotel bars for Karaoke. Friday was a little hotter than Thursday, so we hit the beach. We walked along the beach to a promenade that was in front of one of the hotels. There was a Fat Tuesday's bar on the beach with some people hanging out, so we decided that we would hang out there for awhile.

The Reggae Band. After having a few drinks we went back to the room. "Dude, let's use the hot tub," Adam suggested. "We can do that. Bring a couple of beers, maybe light a joint up if there is no one out there." "Walsh, there isn't going to be anyone out there."

Adam and I wind up getting really fucked up one night while in FL (after you read the chapter, this will make sense), and fucking. It started off innocently, lying bed. Two horny guys. A touch of the leg, restlessness, one thing led to another, and it ended with Adam fucking me. Adam was an engaged partner, exploring my dody with his hands and he even tried sucking on my dick, though it only lasted a couple of minutes. But we fucked for like a half hour before he came. It was an amazing experience for me, something that I had been thinking about and wanting for a long time. A fantasy come true. But in reality, fantasies don't come true.

We fell asleep, and the next morning wasn't good. When I woke up, Adam wasn't in bed. He was outside on the deck, pacing back and forth. I could tell from the look on his face when he saw that I was standing at the door that there would be no good morning kiss. He was very apologetic, "we never should have done that." After briefly talking about it, we tried to hit the beach. But eventually, after a whole lot of silence, Adam said that he felt like going home. So we hopped back into my car for 16 hours of silence between us. I was so afraid to say anything. I could feel our friendship slipping away. And I thought if we discussed it, in the confines of a car, it would only hurt the situation more. Better to leave it and talk about it tomorrow, after Adam has had some alone time. We had quick conversations in the car, but nothing of magnitude. And after that, things were never quite the same between Adam and I. We discussed what happened, but not really.
 Just "it can never happen again, and we can't tell anyone."

Adam's silence on the issue was enough for me to figure out what was going on. He was full of guilt. I think he really liked it, I know he liked from the look on his face and the moans as we fucked, but was ready to propose to Michele, ready to graduate, and this sort of confusion was the last thing that he needed. And me, I represented that confusion, perhaps a deep, hidden, pushed back feeling that Adam has always know about himself. That he was attarcted to boys and girls. I cried a lot over it actually. He stopped calling me regularly, converations in the student center and parties was colder than it was before, and he started spending a lot more time with Michele. By the time he graduated, we were getting closer to the way things were. But distance doesn't help. I went to his graduation, we hugged good bye. I'll be around he said. But knowing Michele, he wouldn't be around that much. I did see him here and again. We didn't speak on the phone too much.

Adam eventually married Michele. I was at their wedding. Adam became a NJ State Trooper and lives at the Jersey Shore. No children yet, that I am aware of. Since moving to GA, I haven't spoken or seen Adam in probably close to a year. Time heals, but life moves on.

Next semester I was pledge master, and was busier than hell. The younger generation was moving up in the ranks of the fraternity, and although I thought of Adam frequently, I had a lot going on, and my life was about to change drastically... To be continued.

["To be continued" he said...but he has yet to post anything new in more than seven years.]

Friday, August 9, 2013

My Bisexual Boyfriend: Advice Needed!!!

This request for advice was posted as a comment within the last 24 hours.  Please help this woman by posting your reply in the comment box below.

Someone please help me! I want to hear from more people like this. 

My boyfriend of 3 years and best friend for 7 years told me a week ago that he was bisexual. I found online accounts and some porn. On the accounts he was having online sex with men. I'm terrified that he might be gay and hiding it. We've always had a deep love connection and I truly believe that he does love me. I wanted to leave him and he begged me to stay saying that watching gay porn every so often was enough. 

Before I found out, our sex life was okay but had died down a little bit. Now that he's told me I feel more connected to him on a personal level and the sex has been great. Our love though has always been strong. He does everything for me. He works and pays for me while I go to school. He puts up with my bitchy attitude. He says that he would rather die then ever be without me. The one thing that scares me more than anything is the fact that we are each others first. What if he wants to experience what it's like to be with a man? 

He tells me that he doesn't want to and he really is attracted to women more then men he just likes to look at porn but would never actually want sex. I don't know if this is the truth or him denying his own feelings. I'm terrified. I never thought that my life would be this complicated and painful. I really want things to work out between us. However, I can't trust him ever again and I don't want to waste my time with someone who ultimately might end up leaving me. 

I get on here and read stories about guys who truly loved their wives and just couldn't make it work and it scares me. He says he feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest now that he's told me. That's really great for him but now I'm worried constantly. I tried to talk him into doing different stuff in the bedroom...involving more stuff with his butt and he gets angry and doesn't want to do it! so does this mean that he really does just enjoy looking at it and talking about it or is he that far into denial. I'm so scared about our future.  - Mackenzie

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Coming Out Later in Life: What Spouses Really Think

The following was recently posted on a message board for straight spouses:
I am a 45 year old man who has been married for 21 years and I have three teenage children. I have, for years, struggled with my sexuality and I am getting closer to the decision to come out. Why now? I would like to live an honest life for the time I have left on this planet and my wife deserves better than a lie.

My feelings of insecurity are what kept my in the closet and made me work hard to live what I believed to be the "normal" life. Ironically, despite my age, those same insecurities are what are keeping me from coming out. I can't stand the idea of hurting my wife and yet I know she is being hurt by not having a true partner. I can't stand the idea of hurting my children and I live in fear that I will be pushed away by them.

I have read numerous online posting in the past few months about spouses who have come out to their wives. Everyone says you will feel better on the "other side" but what about my wife and kids? How can I justify, after so many years, shattering her life for such selfish reasons? My wife is a remarkable woman who deserves all the happiness in the world. I have to believe that in the long run, she will be happier. I don't want to lose her friendship and I want us to continue to be strong parents for our children.

Just looking for guidance on making the decision to come out and then how to protect my family in the process.
Below are eighteen detailed replies to this man's post, all written by women and men whose lives were forever changed when their spouses came out to them.

If you think you know what the straight spouses are going to say, chances are you're more wrong than right.  It's easy to make assumptions about what others think but sometimes reality can be surprising.

If you don't want to read all of the comments (you really should, each one is interesting on its own), skip down to the end of this post where I provide a summary.

Woman #1:
I've been married about 40 years and I found out my husband is gay about 6 months ago.  I feel that you should tell your wife, the sooner the better. I cannot even explain the pain of that 40 year lie. If she knows then the two of you can talk about the future together. Some mixed orientation marriages do make it-not many but some.

My husband and I are separating, but we go to counseling both individually and together in order to create the healthiest possible future for both of us. We love each other but my husband can't live the lie anymore. It is making him sick.

As far as your situation is concerned, I really think the truth is best. Yes, You are on a painful road. But if you love her then be honest. Just give her time to process everything. Be patient. Act with integrity.  My prayers are with you.

Woman #2:
Your post made me so very sad. My husband of 19 years - is gay - unlike you he didnt think - he took out ads on Craigs List and currently has a partner who is a Criminal Sexual Offender. Needless to say the children do not go to his house. The children attend therapy as do I. I cant help but think that if he would have just came and told me of his struggles the earthquake wouldnt have hit so hard. Its been two years and Im still a mess and feel as though his Lie became mine. I commend you for the TRUTH you want to tell but beg you to be supportive of your wife.. Her feelings and the pain that she will go thru. As I sit here at my computer - Im crying for you and your family. As I know the effect that it will have on everyone including you. Such a sad thing - its hard to understand and process. I wish you the best and I will pray for your wife.

Man #1:
I'd die and make it look like an accident before I'd do this to my family.
Being true to oneself - my ass. Don't destroy your family because you decided you cannot live a lie after 21 years.  Sure you can.
If you die, they'll mourn your loss, remember the great things about you and eventually move on.
If you come out, it's like you died and then some. They'll have to deal with your ghost now and after you die. You get out of the closet, and your family gets into a drawer inside a closet. It's really criminal what the gay spouses do to their loved ones.
You wanna be true to yourself, do it in complete secrecy and don't jeopordize your wife's health. Practice safe sex and please don't give me the 'it's not about sex' BS.
Sorry if I was harsh on you but whenever I read a new story about a straight spouse having to deal with the hell they go through, it breaks my heart.  DO NOT DO IT...

Man #2:
I absolutely do not agree that you should hide this from your wife and go on the down low just to keep your family intact. I believe marriage is sacred and should survive almost any kind of wrong and having my family broken up was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Would I have been happier if she just quietly kept girlfriends on the side without letting me know? Absolutely not. Trust is absolutely essential.

After disclosure I was insecure and irrational and made things worse. I desperately wanted to save my marriage. But my wife had no respect or understanding for what I was going through, because she was wrestling with what it meant to be a lesbian and could only think about her need for a woman in her life.

She eventually made things ten times worse with lies and affairs until today I can't look at her without thinking of the deep pain she caused by her selfishness. I never thought it would be possible for me to look at her with anything but love, but she built such a wall of pain inside me that even my good memories of her are gone.

Your wife may decide to divorce you. That is her right. You took away her right to decide on the basis of truth many years ago. Now you can give it back to her so that she can make the right decision for herself. You must accept the consequences if you truly love her as a human being.  To keep this from her so long is bad enough, but to then destroy her life, be unfaithful, and leave her utterly alone with the consequences would be just plain evil.

Woman #3:
I'm not sure what to say. I am torn. All I can say is whatever you do, do it with love and kindness. There is so much more to your vows than sex. You entered into a partnership with your wife and made a family with her and your kids. There is part of me that says too bad, you made your choice, you can't do this to your wife and kids. But, if you can come out with love and honesty, and put yourself on the back burner until you have helped them get through this before you embark on your new gay life, you may have a chance at a positive relationship with them. My ex-husband treated me and my kids with lies, cheating and manipulation. Please, try to be better than that to the people you have loved.

Man #3:
Everyone has the right to live an authentic life being the person they truly are... that includes you. So yes... you have every right to 'come out' and be the person you are... BUT PLEASE be mindful of how this will affect your wife... especially if she has no inkling that you have same sex attractions. It could be an ENORMOUS shock to her and she will most likely need a LOT of emotional support.

Gay spouses usually know for YEARS prior to coming out and have often already done a lot of psychological and emotional preparation for their coming out. Sometimes they have even done logistical and financial preparation. For the straight spouse however the 'news' comes like a bolt out of the blue and their world collapses.  If you go through with this, do it with all of the compassion and love and understanding you can muster. You will need to love her and be patient with her and be fair to her even through her anger and her pain. You owe her that.

BE FAIR especially in the settlement of property and in issues around custody. DON'T leave her homeless or broke. She doesn't deserve that. DON'T be a deadbeat Dad... continue to support your children.  Take responsibility for this. Not 'blame'... you can't help it if you are gay... but take responsibility and MAKE SURE your wife and children are ok... always.  Best wishes to you and your wife.

Woman #4:
I cannot urge you strongly enough to come out to your wife sooner rather than later.

How old are your children? How many more years until they are all up and out? You and your wife might seriously consider whether you need to wait until the children are grown for you to make your move. There are pros and cons to this, so I would consider and discuss this option with your wife, though it sounds like you are not inclined to wait any longer at this point.

This is a very complex situation with so many aspects to consider.

1) If you are have had or are currently having any m2m relations, STOP HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY! Get tested and make sure she gets tested when you tell her.

2) If you know what you want, be clear with your wife. Do not let her hang in limbo thinking she can save a marriage that cannot be saved. Being direct is the loving thing to do. Make certain you reassure her there is nothing she did or did not do to cause this. Make sure you tell her she is a wonderful woman, wife, lover, mother and your orientation is not her responsibility.

3) If you come out to your wife and divorce, you owe it to your wife and your kids to continue to care for them financially. In my opinion, that means above and beyond whatever the law requires where you live.  Financial support is but a small fragment of what she will be losing. It is the least you can do.

4) Stay involved in your children's lives, but listen to your wife and children in working out visitation schedules. This is not your wife's fault, so it is not fair that she suddenly lose half her time with her kids because you need to pursue this side of yourself. Work with her and listen to what the kids want and be flexible, but do stay involved.

5) It will take time for everyone to adjust, perhaps more time than you would like. Do not rush your wife or children. DO NOT run out and immediately pursue a relationship with someone else. This is painful and confusing to your wife and children. As hard as it might be for you, let the dust settle a good long time before you move on with your life. This will help your wife and children adjust to their new reality. Also, do not force your new life or relationship on your children. Keep your relationship with them focused on you and them. They do not need to deal with the new love of your life, at least not in the short run. Stay involved with your children and never stop telling them how much you love them. Respect their wishes regarding revealing your truth to people they know.

6) Consider working with a counselor regarding your coming out process.

7) Do some research and check around and line up a good couples counselor who can work with you and your wife through whatever comes next. You will need to find someone with considerable experience with this specific situation. That can be hard to find, depending where you live. A couples counselor can help you and your wife negotiate the many difficult decisions that may lie ahead.

I am sure there are a million more things to recommend.

I am glad you came here. Please keep in mind that many of us have been gravely injured by the men and women in our lives. I, in no way, intend to take that out on you. I think your thoughtfulness in reaching out for support in how to handle the situation is admirable. Some people may tell you that you took vows and you need to stay in the marriage and live up to those vows, no matter what. I'm not sure about that. I believe you have great responsibilities to continue to love and care for your wife and children for the rest of their lives, married or not, but I believe it is likely you do your wife a tremendous disservice by remaining married to her when you know your orientation leads you elsewhere. It is a tough call, but I know I deserve a man who can love me the way only a hetero man can. I do not, however, understand how my husband's new found discovery of his orientation absolves him of his responsibilities to me and our children. Does that make sense?

Please, just put the concerns of your wife and children ahead of your own through this process. You've waited over 20 years to do something about this. You can wait another year or two to allow your wife and children to adjust. In the end, you will be a much happier man if you know you handled yourself with integrity through this process.

Woman #5:
Time to put your selfishness behind you and put your wife and family FIRST maybe for the very first time ever in all of your relationship with her! STOP THE LIE NOW! DO NOT WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE. As you sit here reading this, lie in tow, you are STEALING MINUTES OF HER LIFE! Do you realize that? DO NOT WAIT ANY LONGER! TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! Set her FREE! DO NOT CONTEMPLATE ANOTHER MINUTE! DO NOT PASS GO AND COLLECT $200. GAME OVER!

I have much more respect for a closeted gay man who decides to right his wrong than for the ones who chose to defend their lie at all costs!  You're doing the right thing. DO IT NOW!

Woman #6:
I found out 3 months ago that my husband was gay-it has been the roughest 3 months of my life
Married 20 years, 2 kids and a wonderful life. I found out on facebook. I confronted him and he said he had been going to therapy for 4 months and him and his therapist were trying to figure out a good time for me to find out, but then he got sloppy and I found out.

I have gone through every emotion in the book. I asked my husband details about his contact with the other person(Please spare your wife these details-she may want to know but don't tell her everything)It's something that doesn't leave your mind.
I asked him why he decided to tell me and he said because he knew he was hurting me already and he didn't want to hurt me anymore. What he didn't realize though was how much he hurt me now. He has a very difficult time watching the hurt he has instilled on me.
I have not separated from him yet nor do I know if I'm going to. He is leaving that decision up to me and realizes if I decide to leave it is his fault and he will take the responsibility. Our kids do not know and we are not sure when we are going to say anything.
We have discussed what would happen if he were to die today and what I would say to the kids. Right know I don't think I would say anything. If I saw my kids, when they got older, struggling with their sexuality I think I would tell them.
There are some days I wish my life would go back to ignorance and the pain would stop but I also realize, on some level, I needed to know. 

I am not happy that my husband is gay, nor will I ever be. I also realize though that I can't do anything about it. My life has totally changed because of him and currently I don't know who I am-they tell me that it will change.
If you decide to tell her be understanding and look up the stages of grief. She is going through a loss and she will go through these stages , as I have, and probably most have. Make sure she has support because if you were her best friend you won't be. She needs someone to turn to.

Woman #7:
If you can support her and your family first before you starting dating and/or moving in with another man right away to make sure your family is somewhat settled into the new life, everyone would be in a better position.

Answer her questions. Give her time. Let her ask as they come up and whenever they come up. Please guide her here. There is so much support she'll get here she won't get from friends and family due to the unique situation.  Please, please don't keep her in the 'closet' with you. Make sure you tell your friends and family AFTER you tell her. Let her know you are going to tell them.

Since you will both be on new playing fields, ask her what she needs from time to time. So many men who come out leave the spouse and family to pick up all the pieces as the men start their new lives because now they are 'free'.

So refreshing to read a man actually has a conscious before he starts this process.  The best of luck to you.

Woman #8:

It looks like you sparked a bit of a powderkeg here! I hope you'll understand that most of the people who interact on this forum are people who have found out, one way or another, that their spouse has been living a secret life. Emotions run high. Many of us found out by tripping over the truth because our spouses were too cowardly to tell us themselves. That's why so many people here are saying, "Don't hold back. Tell the truth." And I'm adding my voice to that choir.

What I wouldn't give to turn the clocks back 5 years and have my husband tell me that he was unhappy in our marriage and that he was fantasizing about men. At that point, before he got on Craigslist to hook up, we might have been able to get counseling and learn whether there was anything to save in our marriage. Instead, he hid his secret from me for four years and he'd be hiding it still if I hadn't discovered it. In my initial rage I refused to listen to his pleas that he would stop and that we should get counseling and that maybe we could work it out. All I could see was that for four years he'd been lying to me and he'd been finding random strangers on the internet who were willing to meet him for the occasional blowjob or what have you. My mental picture of my husband went from "solid family guy" (which is the one he wanted everyone to see) to "disgusting selfish pig". By the time I had calmed down enough to say that maybe we could work toward forgiveness, he was saying it was more important to him to be true to himself. So now I think, "This is a guy who would trade in 25 years of marriage and family for random anonymous gay sex." and I have zero trust in whatever he thinks he might still feel for me.

I hope you don't want your wife and your children to think of you this way. Be honest, talk it out, get help. It may turn out that your marriage will not survive, but with luck your family will survive. Being honest with your wife and yourself is a great gift you can give your family. Good luck.

Woman #9:
I commend you for coming here and wanting to do right by your wife and children....I think we all agree that being gay is not a choice, but the behaviour is...Most of us have discovered that our spouses are in the closet...Some come out, and some continue to deny...

For me this has been the most painful ride I have ever been on...I am not mad at my ex-husband for being gay...I am upset that he stole years from my life, made me believe that there was something wrong with me that he could not give me the love I needed and deserved.....I deserved to feel the love and intimacy of a straight man....

If you really love your wife be honest with her...It may be the biggest gift you ever gave her....Yes, once you tell her your lives as you both know it will be over...She is going to have emotions running through her that she didn't even know existed....You have had time to come to terms with your feelings and who you are, this is going to take some time for her to absorb.....

If you can support her and your children, be honest with them and be there for them hopefully you can continue to parent together for your children's sake....

Sadly a lot of gay spouses run off to live the adolescent life and i think this hurts the spouse left behind and the children more than the coming out does....

I know you love your family but don't you think it is time to stop the lies and deceit long enough?....I do...

Woman #10:
Let me tell you something, when you repress your sexuality you get depressed.

By lying about your sexuality you are lying to your wife about hers as well. She's not getting the love she wants either. She likely thinks it's her fault.

Finally one day there I am thinking to myself I wonder if he's gay and I realise it's not that long ago I was wondering that and asked him and he said no. And I realise this question has recurred time and again. And I start to wonder about that, I start to wonder why it keeps coming up, why him saying he isn't gay isn't enough to end it. Then I found out the truth. It was like lightning illuminating the landscape of my past. A welcome relief from confusion and loss of confidence, even if I don't want to express the pain.

It changes the way you view your past. Your sexuality is fundamental to your identity. I've been so scared as the person I trusted has turned out to be so uncaring of me. You seem to me to be a slice of heaven compared to my um "97% heterosexual don't call me gay" husband. But even if he had turned out as nice as you are the loss of trust is horrible.

He spent an entire sulky decade being extra depressed in midlife, his entire wardrobe was grey. Do you think I view him as he has - nobly sacrificing himself for me? I am so mad that he thought it was okay to sacrifice me alongside himself without so much as a by your leave. No I tend to think of him as a lying piece of fish that stinks so bad the cat don't want it either.

And I used to be so nice!

Woman #11:
I don't envy your situation. My husband came out to me after 28 years of marriage - 17 of which we had no intimacy. I questioned him for years and he denied being gay. I accepted that and went about our "perfect" marriage.

When he told me, I went into shock immediately. I pretended like nothing was wrong...until I crashed and crashed big time. I found myself angry and confused - why did he wait so long? Why did he lie? How could he have done this at this point in our life. I had given up having children because he didn't want them. I had done everything I could to be the perfect wife. The pain and the anger grew larger every day, to the point that I had a mini-breakdown. I blamed myself for him being gay. I lost all semblance of self-esteem, hope, and happiness. I kept thinking "If he had only told me sooner, I might have had a chance to have the children I so desperately wanted. I might have had a marriage to a man who loved women." So many "mights."

I am 61 now. It's been a year and a half since he came out. I have been in therapy all that time. I am just beginning to regain a tiny bit of self esteem, but I still feel so hopeless. I cry easily because I don't think I'll ever know the love that I should have know. I cry for the loss, the pain, and the anger, but the pain is the worst.

PLEASE tell her ASAP. Do not put her through a moment more of what you think is a wonderful marriage. It isn't. It's a lie. Whether you realized you were gay years ago or yesterday, it's a lie. Don't hurt her any more than you already have. And believe me, you are hurting her every day that you lie.

Woman #12:
She has likely been wondering why she hasn't been "enough" for the entirety of the marriage. I did.

I was married nearly 30 years when my husband came out.  It took integrity for him to tell me the truth and to expect the consequences.  Give her the opportunity to hear the truth, grieve the loss and move on.

I confess, I am equally stunned at those who are suggesting you perpetrate the lie. You are not the person she believed she married, are you? Not really. Nor was my husband.

We loved each other.  It wasn't enough. I deserved more. He deserved more. For the sake of all the love you say you have for her, tell her now so she can begin to find her own way.

This doesn't have to be rancorous. Yes, there will be angry words. She's earned the right. No matter how honorable it is that you are telling her the truth, the reality is that you've deceived her, your children all of your friends and family for the entire time they've known you.

She didn't have a say in this when you chose to marry her an keep this secret. That's a lopsided bargain from the beginning. You certainly can be/become friends. It will take time.

Granted we are all entitled to an opinion here, based on our own experiences. For me, the thought of remaining in a marriage where he became more and more withdrawn, more and more depressed, more and more angry and where I would have continued to feel responsible to "fix it" is a horrific scenario. I found a wonderful life with wonderful people, especially and extraordinary very str8 husband in this process.

Honestly, the thought of sharing a bed with my former husband for the balance of my life is sickening at this point. I wish him all the happiness he can find. I wish the same for you. I am fine. He is fine. The real collateral damage in this are our children, now 39, 36 and 31. They have always been honest to say that it bothers them very little that their father is gay. It bothers them a great deal that he lied to them about it for their entire lives.

I want my former husband to find someone who loves him. It won't be me. You deserve that as well, as does your wife. It's a process. It's an emotional nightmare.  But it's also what my friend here always says, "You're gay. You're not a murderer. There are worse things."

Give her the gift of the truth and then stand behind the story and beside her. This is now her truth to digest and her truth to tell. Best of luck to you.

Woman #13:
I have to consider myself one of the "lucky" ones when it comes to this situation (if that is possible really).

My husband came out to me 6 months ago after 14 years of marriage and 2 kids.

He has never had any M2M relations just knew it was time to be himself and not hide anymore. We have been together since he was 19. He says he always truely believed he could make it go away and live his life.

We have gone through plenty of rollar coaster moments but have committed to keeping our family unit as healthy as we can. Our kids will not find out unless he has a long term partner one day and we are currently looking at building a house which will have 2 master type bedrooms for when we are ready to seperate our spaces. Yes this is very non traditional but we are going to do what we need to for our family.

You will hear plenty of people talk about how you decived her, etc.. but I have never felt deceived. I wouldn't re write out times together or our children.

RESPECT is key. If you have not acted on these feelings DON"T. I think that was HUGE for us. I didn't have to deal with infidelity, etc...

Time is your friend. Our therapist suggested no big moves for at least 1 year (assuming we weren't creating tension for the kids).

In the end we want to be in each others lives forever but with new re-negotiated roles at some point. We both love each other enough that we want each to live our full authentic life.

Woman #14:
I commend you for wanting to stand up and accept responsability thus far,( seriously applauding you, some of us never ever get the truth) and the maturity to want to handle things in the best interest of your family. My soon-to-ex gay husband was a sneaky piece of shit that risked my life for his own selfish needs for yrs, even after he was caught he continued to lie, and I will say that was the most painful part of this whole mess, was realaizing that I was married to a lying, manipulative, sneaky snake. You made a BIG mistake when you married under false pretenses, maybe you didnt know everything then, but NOW you do..right the wrongs..she deserves to know the truth. Impower her to make choices based on truth, her reaction, will be just that..hers and hers alone. Her life/future was unknowingly sacrficied when she married you based on your deciet, now its time for you to sacrifice what ever need be, to right the wrong, thats called being a REAL MAN, stepping up truly accepting responsability and apologizing! You may have to sacrifice your family, your home, and everything you have accumulated during your yrs of deciet, but HEY..its your the time!! She did her time, and LYING wasnt her crime! How can you justify shattering her life now isnt your you can justify DOING THIS TO HER IN THE FIRST PLACE IS!! You just may lose the farm on this one, but "Oh what a tangled web we weave" Although commedable that you are contimplating doing the right thing, I sence some under tones of "how this is gonna work out for you" Who cares? You had your cake, and secretly thinking of eating it to..again, absolutely do the right thing, put the ball in her court..and let the chips fall where they may, your deciet started this fire, rub burn cream on your ass, put on your helmet, buckle in, button down the hatches, gulp down the truth syrum..and hang on! I think maybe you are looking for answers on how she may would you react, if the shoe was on the other foot? I threw pool balls at my husbands head (ie..why the helmet a great idea)but I had just found out he screwed a man in my new car, unprotected on my bday while I was at work. Will she be hurt? HELL YEAH Angry? YUPPP!!! I can just about GAURANTEE when the smoke settles she will have lots of questions and one of them will be "How long have you known?" Stop trying to control the situation and do the right thing, your house fire has started in YOUR closet..get EVERYBODY out! The sooner the better!! Then stick around drag out the big mop and clean up the mess you have created. You want to protect them? Impower them with the truth! You want to protect yourself..your a big boy Im sure you will figure it out! Sending prayers to your family for the days and weeks to come.

Woman #15:
If you love her, you'll be honest with her.

I'm sure she know's "something" is up. Yeah-- we've all been in those shoes. And it sucks.

I never hated TGT. I hated the lies and deceit, and the constant worrying. The thoughts: "Am I imagining this? Is something off here, or is it just me?" Not a good way to go through any relationship.

Go be yourself. That's what I told my ex. If your wife loves you, it's what she'd want for you anyways. Honesty is a pretty great thing. Don't cheat on her, expose her to diseases, and your chances of having a friendship with her and a relationship with your children will be MUCH higher. I'm sure she loves you after 21 years. Someone said this a long time ago: It's not like you're an ax-murderer. You're gay/bi/whatever. Big deal.

The unfair hand comes in when it steals her of her life. You love her, tell her.

Uh-- try not to say things like "I didn't like having sex with you" or " I was never attracted to you", etc. Even if they're true. Because those cut pretty deeply.

I haven't read any of the replies others wrote-- Seems to be a hot topic. They might treat you like you're hell spawn for something you didn't get to choose-- who knows. God/prayer/counseling/Dr. Liberace's Hee-Man Quackery Camp-- none will "fix" it. You're not broken. And she's not broken. And it's time to take control of that before anything else.

My advice? Good luck, make sure she's taken care of, don't try to make it an iota of her problem or fault, and go be yourself.  Everyone will be happier in the end.


If you've read through all the comments you should have noticed a number of common themes, including a few that might be surprising to closet-dwellers.

Before I summarize those, I want to provide some background:

The comments were posted on an open, anonymous message board.  The anonymity gives people the freedom to say EXACTLY how they feel, and believe me, they do.  This is not a place where people put on a happy face or feel compelled to behave in politically correct ways.  The words they use represent their raw thoughts and emotions.  It's their uncensored truth.

What I've pasted above doesn't include every comment made by every person.  For the sake of brevity and readability, I omitted comments that basically said, "I agree," and comments that didn't add anything personal or new to the conversation.  All together, I'd estimate that about 25 straight spouses participated.  Nearly all of them were women.

Here's what most surprised me:

Man #1 said, "I'd die and make it look like an accident before I'd do this to my family.  Being true to oneself - my ass. Don't destroy your family because you decided you cannot live a lie after 21 years.  Sure you can."

I think that sums up the thinking of many closeted men - I'd rather be dead than destroy my family.  Surely 98% of straight spouses would agree, wouldn't they?  After all, they've been through hell, and they know exactly what it feels like to have their lives destroyed.  If anyone would agree that a closeted man should stay in the closet, it would them, right?

Wrong.  Only one person agreed with Man #1, and all she said was, "I agree."

I was so surprised that no other straight spouses posted in support of Man #1 that I asked if anyone, even lurkers, agreed with him. No one responded.

This means that, in a completely unscientific poll of people whose lives have actually been turned upside down when they learned that they were married to a closeted person (so much so that they sought on-line support from others in a similar situation), 92% of STRAIGHT SPOUSES WANT TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH, NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES MIGHT BE.

What other advice do straight spouses have for closeted men?

I could cite nearly two dozens quotes from what's above that exactly summarizes what I've heard over and over from straight spouses over the past 30 months, but that would be too exhausting to read.  Instead, here's a bullet-point summary of what nearly every straight spouse thinks:
  1. The truth is more important than anything else.  It's more important than preserving the marriage and it's more important than "protecting" the kids.
  2. Same sex attractions (as gross as they might be to many straights) are not what hurts or angers them most.   It's the lies.  After a period of grieving, most straight spouses can accept that their not-straight spouse is not the person they thought he was.  What many of them cannot get over is that they were fundamentally deceived.
  3. Lying about same sex attractions after getting caught, in order to preserve a marriage and the status quo, is one of the worst things a closeted spouse can do.  Trust has been destroyed and continuing to lie never rebuilds that trust.  Without a solid foundation of trust, the marriage is destined to fail.  In many cases, the closeted spouse's same sex attractions get discovered again and it's then that they go ballistic.  Again, what they hate the most is the lying, not the orientation.
  4. Tell the truth as soon as possible.  Waiting for holidays, anniversaries or other significant dates or events to pass isn't important in the long run.  Only the truth matters.
  5. If a formerly closeted man wants to do his best by his family and wife, he needs to do two things.  First, he needs to be more than fair when it comes to money.  Straight spouses feel that adding a big  financial burden to the already traumatic emotional toll is beyond cruel.  Second, straight spouses want to be respected.   That means not jumping into dating or starting a new relationship immediately.  Some straight spouses suggest waiting a full year. Most want a least a six month waiting period.
  6. The reason straight spouses want the truth above all else is because many of them have blamed themselves for the issues in the marriage.  They strongly prefer no marriage to a flawed one that makes them feel unloved, undesired or a fool being taken advantage of.
  7. About two-thirds of straight wives are willing to consider a mixed orientation marriage.  This means that most of the time, coming out does not mean the marriage is over.  The big hurdle isn't the man's sexuality, it's his behavior.  Honestly, love and genuine respect are required to make a mixed orientation marriage work.
Woman #8 summed up a typical straight spouse's overall attitude pretty well.  She said, "Be honest, talk it out, get help. It may turn out that your marriage will not survive, but with luck your family will survive. Being honest with your wife and yourself is a great gift you can give your family. Good luck."