Friday, August 9, 2013

My Bisexual Boyfriend: Advice Needed!!!

This request for advice was posted as a comment within the last 24 hours.  Please help this woman by posting your reply in the comment box below.

Someone please help me! I want to hear from more people like this. 

My boyfriend of 3 years and best friend for 7 years told me a week ago that he was bisexual. I found online accounts and some porn. On the accounts he was having online sex with men. I'm terrified that he might be gay and hiding it. We've always had a deep love connection and I truly believe that he does love me. I wanted to leave him and he begged me to stay saying that watching gay porn every so often was enough. 

Before I found out, our sex life was okay but had died down a little bit. Now that he's told me I feel more connected to him on a personal level and the sex has been great. Our love though has always been strong. He does everything for me. He works and pays for me while I go to school. He puts up with my bitchy attitude. He says that he would rather die then ever be without me. The one thing that scares me more than anything is the fact that we are each others first. What if he wants to experience what it's like to be with a man? 

He tells me that he doesn't want to and he really is attracted to women more then men he just likes to look at porn but would never actually want sex. I don't know if this is the truth or him denying his own feelings. I'm terrified. I never thought that my life would be this complicated and painful. I really want things to work out between us. However, I can't trust him ever again and I don't want to waste my time with someone who ultimately might end up leaving me. 

I get on here and read stories about guys who truly loved their wives and just couldn't make it work and it scares me. He says he feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest now that he's told me. That's really great for him but now I'm worried constantly. I tried to talk him into doing different stuff in the bedroom...involving more stuff with his butt and he gets angry and doesn't want to do it! so does this mean that he really does just enjoy looking at it and talking about it or is he that far into denial. I'm so scared about our future.  - Mackenzie


  1. I wish i had more time to respond but here are my edited for length thoughts.

    1 - His love for you is probably real and he's sincere when he says he wants you to stay.

    2 - Being attracted to male porn may just be a curiosity thing or an indicator of deeper feelings.

    3 - Don't let your relationship progress (marriage) until he's worked this out. Getting married doesn't make anyone straight or gay or bi, it just locks you into a relationship.

    4 - What would happen if you gave him full freedome to pursue a relationship (sexual) with a man without fear of punishment? Would he pursue it? avoid it? This would be tough on you but may help him decide.

    5 - You need to know that you love him for the parts of him you know about, but, you are under no obligation to continue to love him as he reveals more of who he really is, but hid from you. Stay only as long as you feel loved and safe, but be aware that his heart is divided and may be for a long time.

    Best of luck!

  2. This is the honest truth. If my husband and I had not had children together when I first found out, I would have left him in an instant. Not because he might be gay or bi, but because of the lying.

    The lying on the front end is what makes it impossible for trust to develop on the back end, no pun intended. Had he told you before you became an item, you may or may not have been able to work past/around/through, his proclivities. He will never know with you if you could have embraced the full scope of his sexuality in the beginning, and neither will you.

    As it is, how can you ever have a sense of security that he is now actually being the person he is representing himself to be. Clearly he is both a capable and willing liar. I am almost 18 months past disclosure, and trust is still very much a work in progress. There is no magic bullet for rebuilding trust from such an intense deficit. What I can tell you is that it is painful, take a lot of work, and the progress is not linear. There are ups and downs to the rebuilding of trust. Disclosure is a process that comes in fits and spurts and some of the things you find out will be massively painful and feel personal to you when they really they are about him and have nothing to do with you.

    For all the good it might do, feel free to read my blog and ask as many questions as you like.

  3. Mackenzie

    Get help to work through this - find three therapists - one for you, one for him and a couples one. All should have knowledge and acceptance of LGBT issues. If possible find ones that are knowledgeable about Mixed Orientation Relationships - and do not have an agenda.

    I'm with Advizor - don't let the relationship progress until you all work on this.

    Get tested. He may not have had sex with a man, but he will may have. The guilt and shame he may feel may make it more difficult to tell the whole truth up front - not an excuse, but a reason.

    Mixed Orientation Relationships can work - not all do, but that is the case in any relationship. For it to work there needs to be open, honest, complete communication. Many are open relationships.

    He may not have known/accepted/been able to articulate that he was not straight when you became a couple - such was the case for me. Or be may have known and thought (hoped) it was a phase and that settling down with a good woman he loved would be the answer.

  4. I'm known for a quick response and maybe an acid tongue, but take it for what it's worth. The primary emotion I get here is fear. Dump him. Learn to support yourself through school. When you are in a stronger and more confident place, you will find a man who is really into you. You may be able to force this thing to work, but it doesn't sound like you're up for a mixed orientation marriage. How much do you deserve? More than this!


  5. If it is really true that you "can't trust him ever again" then the relationship is over, because you can't have a relationship without trust. If that was hyperbole then it is worth asking whether he is trustworthy. Being in the closet is one form of secrecy; hooking up with guys and putting you at risk is quite another, but even that may be forgivable if indeed he has done this.

    If it is really true that you "don't want to waste [your] time with someone who ultimately might end up leaving [you]" then you should save the effort and resign yourself to a life of celibacy. There are no guarantees in this world, and relationships are always risky. That doesn't mean that you need -- or should -- stay with this guy, but don't think you have a guaranteed marriage for life if you find somebody who is 100% straight, either.

    One question in my mind is whether he is telling you that he loves you primarily because he loves you, or primarily because he is afraid of change.

    I may be off-base about your intentions, but I am not sure that the "marriage or dump" approach I am reading between the lines is a helpful strategy. I do not know how old you are, but I doubt you will be consigned to singledom forever if you get some counselling and see how this plays out. Making a decision a week after disclosure is not much time at all.

  6. MacKenzie,

    He's lied to you twice, not once. His first lie was a lie of omission buy not telling you of his same sex "curiosity". The second was that he has no interest in actually having sex with a guy. Porn MIGHT be passed off as mere curiosity. Having cybersex with guys belies something a lot stronger than curiosity.

    How old are you? You both sound young. If he is your first sexual partner, you have no basis for comparison. Do you really want to go through you life never knowing the love of a straight man for a straight woman? This man may love you but he may never be "in love" with you. Can you live with that? If you can't, how will you ever KNOW if you have nothing to compare it to?

    It's my observation (very generally and there ARE exceptions) that these guys who deny their sexuality fall into 2 very general camps. First are the guys with a personality disorder. They lack the compassion and empathy necessary to understand (or care very much) what this kind of secret can do to the person with whom they involve themselves. There is no fixing that and if that is your man, you need to run far and fast and thank your lucky stars you found out now. Their needs will be the only ones that ever count....not you, not your one. The second group are sorely lacking in the courage department. They take the "easy" road. They hate conflict and they deny inconvenient truths. They tend to make excuses and blame others....their families, society, organized religion, often even their wives. Being dealt a hand that they wouldn't have chosen, they don't face things squarely and accept things they way they ARE, they see things how they WANT THEM TO BE.

    This is not to say I believe a MOM can't work. But it always takes two people, armed with the facts, to make a CHOICE to stay and make things work. No relationship comes with guarantees. But a relationship such as this, can't work. He's not being honest and you will not trust him. Do you want to live your life checking up on him and snooping into his computer or his phone? That level of mistrust will doom your relationship as surely as the issues of his sexuality.

    You need to find out much, much more about this guy. Perhaps a period of living apart and exploration for BOTH of you is in order. The way things stand I don't see there's much hope and it would be a shame to stay and an even bigger shame to bring children to the party and have them suffer for choice YOU made because you saw things the way YOU wanted them to be and not the way they really were...

  7. Most of these responses are in my opinion skewed by their own bad experiences or misconceptions. I married my wife before I "really" understood that I was gay/bisexual. I didn't lie to her. I knew what I felt was the "right" and "appropriate" way to live according to my social and religious background and that is what I did. But as an adult and by this time, a father, I started connecting all the dots and realized that I had attractions for "certain" males that I met through my life. I still didn't understand it but have learned over time that I am either gay or bisexual. I am not an evil person who snagged my poor wife into a dishonest relationship. My feelings are that it is good that you know now and you can decide if you can accept his word on what he has told you. If he loves you and is willing to commit his life to, you then I feel you can move ahead. If he at some point breaks the trust you have now then decide what is a deal breaker. I also feel that most guys and girls have secrets that come out later. Adults can work through these things and move on "if" they are both "committed" to each other. Putting the other persons needs first. I have been married for almost 40 years, 15 of which she has known about what I have learned about myself. I love her and am committed to our marriage.

    1. Adon,

      I wrote the long post below yesterday, but could not get it to post. I sent it to the blogger who posted it for me, today. Your post expressed much of my intention, but did so much more concisely. I should have just posted, "what he said."

  8. I am a male over 40. I have been married since my 20s and we have kids. I am monogamous by choice. My wife has no reason to fear my fidelity. However, if she were aware of the details of my porn habits, she might think otherwise. That would be a shame.

    Although I have never tried same-sex sex, I think bisexual is a reasonable label for my sexuality. I knew from the first time I saw porn as an adolescent that I was not 100% straight. I lean towards a preference for same-sex images in porn. In the real world, I am more easily and more often attracted to women. It is very rare that I encounter a male in person who arouses me sexually. For me, it's more about the person, it seems, and I am more interested in knowing women intimately, usually.

    There is more to my sexuality than a reflection on porn can illustrate, obviously, but that's the simplest way to hit the highlights that seem relevant here. For many years, I used porn intermittently, and I typically felt guilty about looking at the gay stuff. Finally, I gave it up porn all together for several years. But, I still felt a deep sense of shame, as if something was inherently wrong with me because of my sexuality. I finally shared some of the facts with my wife, including my gay porn habits. Her response was simple. She asked if I ever wanted to actually do the stuff I saw in the porn. When I honestly said no, the conversation was over.

    Eventually, I went back to porn, primarily because my wife doesn't enjoy sex much. As we aged and as family life got busier, sex got pushed increasingly to the back burner and became less appealing. Pleading for sex is not a good feeling. Getting sex from someone barely participating is not fun. Sexual desire with no sex is frustrating. Porn is an outlet that seems viable. Like it or not, I think this is quite common among men. Our sex drives are often different than our wives. However, for me, porn is not a gateway to an extramarital affair, gay or straight.

    I am confident I could enjoy sex with another woman outside of my marriage. I was once faced with a difficult situation, after reconnecting to an old friend. I found myself unexpectedly in love with her, thinking about her constantly and even having sex dreams about her. I ended the friendship, for the sake of my marriage. I am also confident that I could enjoy same-sex sex. I have a close male friend with whom I have shared the details of my sexuality. If we were both single and our families would not be damaged, I suspect that a sexual relationship with him could be possible. But, that is not an option I would choose, because I value my family.

    1. [Continued from above...]
      I think our society has narrow views about sexuality. I think many of us are raised to believe straight monogamous sex is the only right sex, perhaps largely because of religious views that permeate our culture. I understand the gist of those values. But, I think that those religious and societal influences fall short in many ways. They do not deal directly with the complexities of human sexuality. Rather, those complexities are seemingly avoided intentionally. Many of us are effectively trained to fear many things about sex. Because my sexuality didn't easily fit into a recognizable or acceptable box with an acceptable label, I felt confusion and shame.

      Many people assume that any hint of gay equates to completely gay. If a guy looks at gay porn, let alone has gay fantasies or God forbid has a same sex experience, then he must be gay. It seems that even people who post on bisexual web sites can fall into the either/or mentality. I don’t think sexuality generally fits neatly into boxes with one-word labels very well.

      I think bisexuality and monogamy are two separate constructs. I think they can coincide. The reality is that many people cheat, whether gay, straight or bi. Many marriages and other relationships fail. There are no guarantees in any relationship. My straight father cheated and had failed marriages. I don't think that being gay, straight or bi necessarily has much relevance to monogamy. Monogamy is about commitment for the long haul, and it's not something everyone is up for, so it seems.

      Honesty is important. I think it is reasonable to strive towards honesty in any relationship. At the same time, I think it is unreasonable to expect that any partner will always tell the whole truth. I am not a liar and I do not take lying well. For years, I did not tell my wife I looked at porn, let alone gay porn. Was that lying? That may seem like a huge lie to some, and it may seem like minutiae to others. Regardless, if any evidence of lying in any form is reason to end a relationship, you might as well not start a relationship. Humans are imperfect and they are not always completely truthful. Thankfully, many of us are forgiving.

      I think it is common for men with same sex attraction to hide it. And, I think there is probably good reason to do so. Our society treats men who have same sex interests as gay, and gays are often treated as less than straights. Such a revelation can affect relationships with friends and family and even workplace situations.

      In reality, the complexities of sexuality can be confusing and bisexuality is clearly often misunderstood, even by many mental health professionals. I worked with two counselors to address my shame issues, one male and one female. Neither of them seemed to understand bisexuality, and neither could talk about it effectively in a way that helped me. Still, I liked them both, and I think there was value in the counseling. Nevertheless, it took me a long time to work through my shame. To get there, I had to talk things through with more people than I wanted to admit my secrets to. It was very hard, especially at first, but it was worth it in the end, for me.

    2. [Continued from above...part three]

      For some people, in these times, being gay or bisexual might be easier than it once was. But, I think it is a bit unrealistic to assume that a male who is not comfortable with his same sex attraction should (or even could) be forthcoming about all the details from the beginning of a relationship. Frankly, it took me years of dealing with my sexuality head on and in depth before I could talk about it without feeling shame, and before I could discuss it even somewhat intelligently. I remain extremely selective in choosing to discuss it. I can't imagine that changing, as the risks are not worth it, to me.

      I wrote out some “advice” for you to consider, which I deleted. I think the better option is to stand on my experience, and let you sort out what’s best for you. I believe we are all works in progress. I'd suggest you don't be too hard on him, as you decide what you can and want to deal with.

      I wish you the best.

  9. I find it interesting that men who have lied or withheld information over an extended timeline tend to make themselves the victim or otherwise obfuscate the brutality of what they have done.

    e.g. Society messes people up via (pick your favorite mechanism) that it took me years to come to a place where I could talk about it.

    Sex on the DL, a compulsive gay porn habit theses are behavioral fact. You did those things, but because you felt confused as to what those facts meant, you have license to lie and or fail to disclose. Your not a lying prick, you are a victim of social norms and mores. That confusion grants you the right to minimize the damage you do an make it about the other party being forgiving and accepting.

    Must be nice to walk around feeling like you have clean hands in a situation that you created that is mighty stick for everyone else to deal with.

  10. Laughing,

    I don't know to whom your comments are directed. But, as the author of the post above yours, I'll take it as a fair guess you were writing in response to my post.

    I wrote about my longstanding sense of shame not as a tale of woe, but as a point of fact that I thought might add perspective to the original poster's situation. I'm not seeking pity, here or anywhere.

    Sex on the DL? Again, I have never had sex outside my marriage.

    I have a long history of looking at porn, including gay porn. My wife is aware of that and she is generally aware that I masturbate, although I don't report the instances. She seemingly doesn't appreciate it or understand it, and she obviously doesn't want to know more about it. I quit talking about it when she quit asking about it after the first few questions.

    I'm not sure where the threshold is on "compulsive" porn use, although from your post, my guess is you might apply that term to any porn usage. I'm not sure I could justify my porn use, particularly for those who take a staunch religious perspective, nor is that my aim. But, in reality, it's an outlet I consider relatively reasonable under the circumstances. I shared it here because, again, I think it may be useful perspective for the original poster.

    Your post suggests that you're quite angry. Obviously, your anger is not at me personally. Presumably, your anger isn't about things you're reading on this blog. I imagine you're angry because you've been cheated on. If so, I'm sorry for your experience.

  11. As a closeted bisexual man married to a woman, my point of view might be different. I have had only four sexual relationships, two women, two men. I discovered through them that I was more attracted to men but could only fall in love with a woman--and I know which one of those is more important to me. I lived with my partner Eddie for three years but I never could bond emotionally with him or, I believe, with any man.

    When we started dating ten years ago, my wife and I agreed not to talk about former relationships with each other unless we absolutely had to. I have never told her about my bisexuality nor have I ever had sex with anyone else but her since the day that I met her. Yes, I do desire sex with men and I do watch gay porn on the internet but my love for my wife is stronger than those urges and I know from personal experience what works for me.

    The reason that I tell you this is that I think that if your boyfriend has never had a gay relationship/sex then you need to terminate or suspend your relationship. He needs to experiment and discover who he is and what he actually wants. That he is having sexual encounters over the internet is a problem. Eventually, the desire for another man will probably become very strong.

    My advice to you is that you suspend your relationship for six months. Tell him that you love him and that you know that he loves you. Tell him that you want him to experience his gay side more fully and that if he does and still loves you completely then, you will reconnect. If he has not had physical sex with a man then he needs to try it to understand himself better.

    If after that experience he does return to you then the two of you might want to negotiate rules. I think that looking at gay porn keeps it in the realm of fantasy but that internet sex is a slippery slope that will lead to the desire for a physical relationship.

    I really do believe that he needs to find himself before he makes any further commitment to your relationship. Best wishes to both of you as you travel this difficult journey.

  12. Anon-my posting was not directed at you in specific. It was a general observation. I have done a lot of reading the blogs in this community and the comments from their respective readers. You are correct I am hurt and angry because I was lied to over a number of years. Since the comments are largely from other men in the same predicament I find that there is a little bit of skew in the replies. There is a lot of in-group soothing and seeing the merits of a particular perspective, and allowing that what is important is that you be true to you. Since I am working though what happens when a man is true to himself without informing his wife. Just feel like the dissenting perspective is not highlighted often enough and like to lend my voice from the other side of non-disclosure.

  13. Okay, now I'd like to hear from Mackenzie!