Craigslist, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and many other websites are loaded with married men who are looking for casual sex with other men. "No strings attached." "Safe sex."
If you're bi and married, a down-low hook up every once in a while is a good way to take the edge off, to keep yourself content and well-balanced. If you're careful and safe, it's no big deal, right?
I haven't done anything sexual with a guy in more than eight years. My last NSA hook-up was a few years before that; I'm rusty and out of practice. But I still remember what was in my head as I made dates to meet men. I remember what it's like to enjoy raw masculine sex. I know the mindset. I know how to handle the guilt. And most importantly, when the connection was good I felt like a much more complete man.
What I never spent much time thinking about was my wife. Honestly, she didn't seem that relevant. Meeting a guy was completely different than being with her. Day and night. Two different worlds that, really, had nothing to do with each other. I felt that as long as I was safe and didn't get caught, no one would be hurt and I'd ultimately be a happier guy and therefore a better husband.
No one keeps statistics, but I'm sure it is literally an every day occurrence that a stunned wife discovers evidence that her husband has been meeting other men for casual sex.
As some wives try to wrap their heads around what they have discovered, they sometimes look to other women who have found themselves in the same situation. As a formerly cheating married man, when I came across the advice these women give to each other, I found it to be absolutely fascinating. Here is one example:
"When I found out quite by accident a couple of months ago, that my husband was concealing his one night stands with gay men, I was wounded to the core. The deception! The lies! The extreme disrespect! The trashing of our family--I so hated him for all of it that I could barely bring myself to look at him.
"At the exact same time, I was (and am) terrified of being alone, not sure how I and our child will survive financially, and, yes have serious doubts about my ability to find and attract a new man. I also now DO look at him and sometimes see the handsome, smart man that had attracted me to begin with more than 2 decades ago.
"BUT--and here is the hopeful part--my anger and resentment at his complete disregard for me, and his almost unbelievably glib pack of lies (that continue to this day) has FUELED ME TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LEVEL--and this can happen to you, too.
"If you have any shred of self respect left, you have some anger in there because you have been deeply disrespected--and you know in your heart that you cannot live with a man who sneaks out for gay sex, lies to you without remorse and cannot give you the love that you need.
"That man that you 'love' has treated you like shit. We wove some dreams around these men that said more about our desire to love, our desire to have a wonderful family, our desire for love and stability than it ever said about the actual person we have been married to.
"I think I have been married to a composite of my own desires and have not seen the self-centered, uncaring person who does not, and cannot love me.
"So, what I am getting to is this--try to look at him objectively--is he a good man, a decent man, someone you can happily partner with, going forward?
"My answer was NO! Picture him meeting up with his gay sex partners, cleaning himself up afterwards and then plopping down at the dinner table with you and your kids.
"CAN YOU REALLY DEAL WITH THIS? SHOULD YOU? IS THIS REALLY LOVE YOU FEEL, OR A COMBINATION OF LOSS, GRIEF AND NEEDINESS?
"If not, save all of that good love for someone who will return it."
As I reflected on this I thought: I've always been a good man, a loving man, a decent man. Of course I love my wife. Surely the husband of this woman is someone far worse than me. Surely what I have done is not nearly as bad as what that man has done.
That's why it was acceptable for me to cheat.
And that's why it's acceptable for others like me to cheat - all those thousands of married men who are logged on to Manhunt and Adam4Adam right now.
It's something to think about.