Thursday, June 9, 2016

Lust for Men - What's Bisexual? What's Gay?

A post from a message board for people questioning their sexuality...
A few days ago, I came here, basically wondering if I might be bisexual. 

People responded and some of their words helped open my eyes. I felt such a rush of emotion and freedom, because, for the first time ever, I understood that I needed to accept my sexual urges.

Still, I have doubts and questions. My attraction to men is just a sexual thing.  What's the difference between lusting for men when you're bisexual compared to lusting when you're gay?  Is all lust the same?

A man's reply -
In the end it's much easier to fool your mind than it is to fool your body. If you can express your urges physically, then you're dealing with them on some level and that keeps the thoughts from weighing on your mind.  

The flip side is that sticking to the physical makes it really easy to believe that, if you just took more cold showers, you could be completely hetero.
 

Also, as long as you stick to the physical, it will be "just sex." 

For me, though, all it took was one kiss from a guy that I had formed a close bond with for the whole house of cards to fall apart. My legs literally gave out, and by the time I got up, I knew I was gay. 

Within a couple of weeks all the feelings I had for women--and I had a pretty extensive dating life--fell away like they had never been there to begin with. Not saying it'll happen that way for you, but it did for me.

 The original poster responded -
I have to be honest and say that reading your post made my whole world come crashing down. I tried to write a response but couldn't because I was trembling and shaking too much.  I thought I wanted this to happen to me, to honestly accept myself, but by the time I finished reading your post, I realized it already had. I got so scared I requested that my account be deleted.

That was two days ago.  That night I went to bed and no longer dreamed of just lust, but of kissing a man, holding his hand, being with him. I woke up and realized I am not bisexual, I am gay.

I had relationships with women in the past, deeply emotional ones, and I cared for them, but the whole time I was a gay guy who was trying to force himself into a straight relationship.

I tried to run away, but I now can describe how right it feels to just say "I am gay."

I need to come out. I can't run away from this anymore.
I had a few reactions to this exchange...

First, I was kind of amazed to "watch" someone come out to themselves.  A week ago the guy was questioning whether he might be bisexual and now he's exhilarated to realize he's gay?  Wow.  Score one for instant homo recruitment, I guess.

Second, I was puzzled by the idea that years of deep emotional relationships with women could suddenly lose their meaning.  I suppose that sort of makes sense if you're gay, but what gets me is that nothing from the relationships changed.  If they were deep and emotional before, how could they suddenly lose those qualities?  The best explanation I can think of is that, maybe, the forces of deep denial were at work.

Third, reading how a kiss turned a bisexual man gay made me wonder if the No Kissing Rule is a very serious matter for some men.  I understand that kissing can be intimate, and hook-ups are not about intimacy, but I never imagined that some men don't kiss because they legitimately fear that their sexual identity will change.  That blows me away.  I had always thought that refusing to kiss was an expression of garden-variety homophobia, not a matter of preventing a fundamental life change.  Seen in that light, I now understand why not kissing is such a big deal for some.

Fourth, and perhaps most importantly, the exchange between these two "formerly" bisexual men made me wonder if the difference between gay lust for men, and bisexual lust for men, is simply that a bisexual man is not open to a deep emotional connection?

That's a pretty fundamental question because openness is a state of mind, not a permanent, in-born quality.  If that is the difference, then doesn't it follow that bisexuality is a choice and homosexuality is innate?

Think about that for a minute...bisexuality is a choice and homosexuality is innate???

Please share your thoughts and reactions by commenting below.

Gay-lust-worthy (kissable) Robert Buckley.  Best known as Clay in the CW series "One Tree Hill"

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A Verdict is Imminent

Last weekend Gabbie and I spent more than four hours alone together, driving back and forth to see our oldest son in his new apartment.

For the first twenty minutes of the ride, Gabbie rehashed how frustrated she is with our two younger kids.  I hate that topic because she complains about them, they complain about her and I'm stuck in the middle. This time, thankfully, Gabbie turned the conversation toward memories of when the kids were young and sweet - a subject that only she and I understand in the same way.

Thinking and talking about those days made my heart ache.  I had to fight a strong desire to take Gabbie's hand and hold it tight.  I had to fight to keep from affirming that we share a natural and effortless intimacy that keeps us deeply connected.

We've lived apart for four years, but it doesn't feel like it. We still "get" each other.  We're still as bonded as ever.  Nothing is different...
...yet everything has changed.

***

A short time later, the trip down Memory Lane took a wrong turn when Gabbie told me I wanted to marry her soon after we met.  She said I knew in our fourth month together, when we were traveling in England at the age of 20.

That was completely wrong --- and when Gabbie said it, I debated whether I should correct her or not.  The truth is, during that trip I was counting the number of days until we'd go back to our respective schools and be 2000 miles apart.  I was very much hoping that the long distance would strain our relationship and make it easier to break up.

Instead, the break-up didn't happen until I came out to her and she moved to her own place - six years after we met and more than two years after we were married.

Our "separation" was a major turning point for me because that's when I knew I wanted to be married to her. Even then, it took two months apart and a good relationship with a guy for me to feel that way.  Before all that happened, I was resentful and felt railroaded into marriage.

So, here we were, twenty-three years later, with lots of water under the bridge...and did I tell her the truth about when I wanted to be with her?  Or did I let her keep her happy fantasy?

After weighing the pros and cons of hurtful honesty, I decided to keep my mouth shut --- for now.

***

On the return trip from seeing our son, Gabbie confided in me about her current boyfriend.  He's 51 years old and Gabbie is his first serious relationship.  They've been dating for two and a half years.

Through force of will, Gabbie convinced the guy to give up his apartment of 15 years and move in with her a year ago.  Although she orchestrated the move, she worried that if they lived together, he wouldn't have a reason to propose marriage, so she also secured a promise from him for an engagement ring "soon." 

A month after moving in, the boyfriend confessed he wasn't ready to get married.  He said he needed more time to think about it.

A few months after that, as Gabbie became weary of her boyfriend's low paying job and horrendous work schedule (12 hour days, six days a week), she got a commitment from him to make a change.

Nine months later,  he's still at the same job, working the same hours and he's made no effort to look for something better.

Although Gabbie is disappointed by her boyfriend's lack of follow-through, she's not ready to give up on him yet.  His mother is very wealthy and in her 80s, and since she can't live forever, there will come a day when her little boy will inherit several millions.  For that reason, among others, Gabbie's dreams for the future remain intact.

"I'm hopeful, but I can't wait forever," she explained to me.  "If he doesn't propose by the end of the year I'm going to have to reassess my options."

"He's a good guy.  I'm sure he'll do the right thing when the time comes," I assured her.

Even as I said that, I felt pulled in two very different directions:

On the one hand, I sincerely hoped the guy would propose soon, because, more than anything, that would help me turn the corner with Gabbie.  Let her be his responsibility for all eternity, not mine.  I look forward to the day when I feel 100% free of taking care of her.

On the other hand, when she said she might need to "reassess her options" I felt a rush of adrenaline, fueled by hope.  It's sad to admit this, but there's a core part of me that feels like we are destined to reunite some day, and spend the rest of our lives together.  All the bad stuff that's happened over the past nine years? Short term distractions...mere minutes on our walk together to the End of Time.

Crazy, I know, but that's how I feel - and far more often than I should.  My conflicting responses show how very mixed up my thoughts and emotions about Gabbie continue to be.  I hunger for the day when the contradictions end and both my head and heart are in the same place.

***

"I can see why you didn't want to go, Cameron.  It was awful.  Thank God the judge cleared the court.  I was very, very emotional."

I'd been holding my breath for more than three hours, impatiently waiting for Gabbie to call me with news on the fate of our 26 year marriage.

Since our split was amicable, we paid less than $200 each to get a final judgment .  I did all the paperwork, while Gabbie's job was to convince the judge that our marriage was fraudulent and should be erased from existence.  If she failed (which everyone said she would --- "long-term marriages are not annulled"), we'd still be legally single, we'd just have to wait a few months for the mandatory "cooling off" period to pass.

Annulment or dissolution?!!  That's what I most wanted to know from Gabbie.  Spare me the preliminaries and tell me the outcome!

"...we'll both get documentation in the mail confirming everything within the next week or so."

---

Given all my conflicted thoughts and feelings, I really had no idea how I would react when I heard the news.

I worried that I might sob uncontrollably for hours, as I did when I lost my wedding ring in a bar a few years ago.  {Amazingly, I was able to recover it the following day.  I was far happier to receive the ring on that day than I was the day we were married.)

As it turned out, unlike my reaction to the ring, I felt far more relief than either joy or sadness. I was relieved to have the whole process over, to have a final outcome, to have a legal status that accurately reflects my life.

About an hour later, a few tears escaped.  That was helpful.  I felt better afterward.

---

Days later, my emotions are still mixed, but relief continues to dominate.  It's time to get on with life, to stop looking backward and instead look to the future.

A future and a life with someone new...



Friday, April 15, 2016

Advice needed: married man thinking of cheating with men

I recently received the following request for advice:
I'm in my mid-forties, married with kids.
I had some guy experiences before marriage, but nothing since. 
I've been having some marital problems for a few years, and I'm also feeling very strong urges to be with men. 
I am considering going behind my wife's back, but I am struggling with the idea of being unfaithful. 
Keeping my marriage and family is more important to me than sexual gratification, but I really want some sexual gratification. 
What should I do?
Does any of this sound familiar?  It's not my story, but it is common to a lot of married men.

I asked the guy what he thought his options were.  He said he had three:

1.  Maintain the marriage but have discreet, safe sex with men.

2.  Remain faithful and find other ways to satisfy his sexual needs.

3.  Come out to his wife and hope she'd be understanding.

I suggested a fourth:

4.  Work to resolve the issues in the marriage, with the goal of feeling as fulfilled and gratified as possible.  If he became satisfied, his problem was solved.  If he couldn't be satisfied, he'd know much better if he wanted to stay married or not.

Does anyone have any other suggestions or strong opinions about how this man should proceed?  If so, please share them in the comment section below.

If you don't want to write a comment, please answer the poll question on the top right.  Let's see how much of a consensus there is for one "right" course of action.

By the way, the results for the previous poll "Is this man bi or gay?" were 70% gay and 30% bi.  I'll soon do a follow-up post about what the results mean to me.

In the meantime, let's judge Zac Efron's changed body...

Here is, circa 2010.  Not bad.
Here he is in 2016.  Is he too much of gym rat now?

Sunday, March 27, 2016

In your opinion - Is this man bi or gay?

I'll skip the obligatory complaints about sexual identity labels and instead jump right into the question...

In YOUR opinion, is this man bi or gay?


He was in a long-term relationship with a woman for many years.
He has only had sex with that one woman.
He didn't feel driven to initiate sex with the woman, but mostly enjoyed it when it happened.

He had several short-term relationships with men over a span of many years.
He has had sex with many men.
He has initiated sex with men numerous times, but he's also found quite a few of those encounters to be "flat" and unfulfilling.

When out in public, he frequently notices the best looking men but makes no effort to notice women.  Sometimes, but not often, a woman will unexpectedly catch his attention.

He doesn't remember having many sex dreams.  He guesses he's had several about men, but only remembers one about a woman.

He only masturbates to gay porn but says he could probably find some straight porn appealing --- if he wanted to bother looking for it.

The best sex he's ever had was, unquestionably, with a man. 

He values emotional intimacy in a relationship more than sexual intimacy.
He would consider dating a woman if they met naturally and the emotional chemistry was powerful.
He has tried dating men but finds there is seldom good sexual chemistry.

He can imagine living monogamously with the "right" woman OR any compatible man.
He is proactively seeking a relationship with a man.
He is passively open to the plausibility of a relationship with a woman.

Does changing the picture change your opinion?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Or, does telling you the reason why I'm asking the question?

To test that possibility, here's the reason --- 

He wants to come out to his family.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you SURE the picture doesn't matter?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more question...

What if the guy I've described is me, would that change your answer?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please answer once in the poll on the top right. 

If you discovered that the pictures and/or my questions changed your opinion, or if you have other thoughts on the topic to share, please do so below.

Thanks!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Coming Out and Being on Display

In most places in our world, there's a price to be paid for giving up straight privilege...

...and what does paying that price get you?

The chance to be as happy and fulfilled as the average straight person.

I call that a "Gambler's Nightmare."  You risk everything and, at best, you might break even.

When I first admitted to myself that I was gay, I remember my thoughts exactly.  I was 13.  I'd reached a breaking point after quietly suffering through many months of intense self-loathing.  I'd become a hollowed-out basket case who couldn't do anything, especially look in a mirror.

One day after school, when I was alone with my thoughts for far too long, I collapsed into a sobbing mess on the floor.  I couldn't stop crying.  Finally, after about two hours, I realized what the solution was...  I could declare a truce.  I could admit who I was, and stop beating myself up about it, but that's as far as I needed to go. Because the truth of my sexuality was only known to me, it was MY secret to keep.  I could indulge myself with unlimited, unrestrained gay thoughts but no one would ever know what I was thinking unless I told them. My destiny, therefore, was entirely in my own hands.  As long as I kept the secret, I'd never have to pay a price for it.

Well, the secret has been out now (sort of) for a number of years -  
  • I've been out to my former wife for five years.  
  • I've been out to my kids for nearly four.  
  • I've also been dating men for four years.  
  • I've held hands with and kissed men in public. 
  • I've gone to a public function as part of a gay couple.  
  • I've double-dated with a straight couple as part of a gay couple.
And...

That's it.  That's the complete list of how far my gay self has been integrated into my straight life.

Some people might be impressed that I'm out to my former wife and kids.  Yes, I suppose that is an accomplishment --- but I'm as minimally out to them as I could be.  I don't talk about my gay life with any of them.  In five years, my former wife has asked me twice if I'm seeing anyone.  I wasn't at either time so I said no.  On one occasion I added, "I've had a few first dates but nothing worth mentioning.  Nice people, decent conversations, that's it."

Only one of my three kids has ever asked about my dating life.  When she was 14, my daughter told me I "needed to get laid."  My response was to give her a disapproving look.  Although I was secretly flattered by her concern, I had no interest in talking to her about my sex life.

Really, the ONLY substantive way I'm out to Gabbie, my kids and Gabbie's mother is that they all know I attend two weekly meetings with "guys like me."  If I didn't keep those two weeknights permanently booked, they could all claim they'd forgotten I was gay.

Clearly, I want to hold on to straight privilege for as long as possible.

Why?

Because I'm not much different at 49 than I was at 13.  I'm perfectly happy to have unlimited gay thoughts AND keep my straight life.  Living this way is easy.  It's also what I know.

When I think of changing, I dread what I've always dreaded - the scrutiny of others.

By "scrutiny" I don't mean judgement.  That I don't mind so much.  Getting called a faggot by a stranger on the street doesn't really bother me.  Getting disowned by my parents or other family members doesn't concern me.  I don't fear getting assaulted, nor do I worry about losing my job.  None of the potentially horrible things that most closeted people fear don't weigh on me.  Should any of them happen, I'm totally confident I will survive, recover and thrive.

What I dislike is the drip-drip-drip of being constantly scrutinized.  To feel like I'm being watched and talked about.  To be the subject of gossip whenever my back in turned.  There's a certain insidiousness about scrutiny that I find hard to handle.  If I was an animal in a zoo, I'd rather by totally alone than on display being gawked at all day.  Perhaps this is how the typical closeted person feels.  I don't know.

I sometimes wonder if my sexuality is the root cause of my dislike of the spotlight   My daughter loves to talk about how great it would be to be famous.  No thank you!  To be followed everywhere, written about, harassed and forced to put on a happy face every time I step outside?  What a hellish nightmare.  I'll take anonymous mediocrity any day.

Anyway... the reason I'm writing about this now is because things are going nicely with the Architect.  It's still too early to be certain yet, but a Day of Reckoning looks to be on the horizon.  For the sake of everyone involved, myself included, I feel like I'll need to cross a threshold before the end of summer; I'll need to start telling more people what I've been doing with my life.

Although I will continue to cling to every bit of straight privilege while I can, I'm in the mental process of psyching myself up for a life of scrutiny.  Fortunately I've learned that fear is something you punch in the face, not run away from.




Me at 13.  I'm in the blue shirt :-)

Monday, February 22, 2016

Nullification of Marriage - "He's the Best!"

Recently, my former wife filed a legal request to nullify our 25 year marriage.  In the documents, she said the marriage was "fraudulent at inception" and therefore needed to be permanently erased

Ending the marriage with an annulment was my suggestion.  I knew the idea of being "never married" would appeal to Catholic Gabbie --- but that's literally all she gets from it.  I, on the other hand, can't be asked to pay spousal support and our assets will not be equally divided.  She knows this, yet she still wants an annulment.  How can I refuse her?

It remains to be seen whether the local county court will agree that my hidden sexuality is enough to nullify the marriage.  Although I'm not contesting it, the court clerks seem doubtful.  We'll find out in a month when the verdict arrives.

As terrific as an annulment would be for me financially, I've struggled to come to terms with it emotionally.  Twenty-five years becomes nothing?  Every anniversary, every shared triumph, every memory is invalidated?  My prime years from 23 to 48 are now meaningless??? That's brutal.

When I first told my friends about the possibility of an annulment a year ago, I could barely keep it together.  Apparently, my unusual emotionalism made quite an impression.  When I recently explained that the papers had finally been filed, I got wide-eyed looks and multiple questions about whether I was going to be OK.

The answer is yes, I'll be OK.  I actually AM OK.  I'm not happy or joyful, but I'm not depressed either.  As I told one friend, "We've been separated for five years and we've lived apart for four.  She's been living with her current boyfriend for a year.  I've had plenty of time to adjust and, the truth is, I'm ready to move on."

"It must help that you're seeing someone?"

"Yes, it helps a little. But even if I wasn't, I'd still be OK."

---

Speaking of the the guy I'm seeing, the Architect, everything is going very well with us, especially when we're together.

When we're apart, however, I get a little cynical.  I sometimes wonder how the long the good times will last before it all falls apart.  Is that normal in a newer relationship?

I think he's had similar thoughts.  On Valentine's Day I said to him, "You're the best!" and his response was a slightly modest/slightly glum "Don't say that."

"Why not?!!  Especially if it's true?"

He hesitated for a few seconds, then replied, "Because 'the best' can't get any better.  You know...in the future.  It's already THE BEST."

Although he was making a logical point, I sensed that I stumbled onto an old wound.  I'm probably not the first guy who's ever told him "He's the best" --- and look where those relationships are now.

Even if his admonishment wasn't caused by painful memories, I still appreciated his response.  I shouldn't thoughtlessly let superlatives fly.  It *is* better to be grounded and realistic. I don't want exaggerated ideas to lead to disappointment either.

The thing is, objectively speaking, there's no reason for either of us to be too focused on the future. Right now, I can tell that he is as much into me as I am into him.  And, because it's my top priority to be 100% authentic at all times, if things don't work out it won't be because I was naive, foolish or turned a blind-eye to the obvious.  It will be because of something fundamental that can't be changed.

I just wish I wasn't having cynical thoughts when I'm alone.

(Soon-to-be Dr.) Pietro Boselli recently started a YouTube channel, see below.
Many thanks to Michael, Mike, MiddleMan, kenn-do, RB, Not Alone, Sooo-this-is-me and Bruce for your kind comments on my last post!!


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

A Hook-Up, Passion and Glue

Right before Thanksgiving I had a first date that turned into a hook-up.  I saw the guy again five days later, then he traveled to India for two weeks.

We communicated by text throughout his trip, in short and somewhat shallow conversations.  The optimist in me was buoyed by the fact that he made such a consistent effort to stay connected.  Maybe he was genuinely interested in developing a relationship?

I certainly was.  I made that clear when I insisted on picking him up from the airport when he returned.

I don't know if he had planned to do so or not, but we spent that whole day and night together, including some quality time between the sheets.  I was thrilled.  This is quickly turning into something awesome, I said to myself.

In the days that followed, however, the guy went missing.  Or nearly missing.  Over a three day period I only received one text from him and it said, "Sorry, I have been sick and not been able to respond to you.  Please have a nice night."

'Please have a nice night?'  Was that sincere? Or a way to dismiss me??

During our long day together, which was on a Monday, we had talked about meeting the following Friday, but he never mentioned doing so again.  He also didn't return any of my texts that day.  What the hell is going on?

Finally, on Saturday morning, I heard from him: "Feeling better.  Hopefully fully recovered this weekend."

Later that day we agreed to meet on Sunday for dinner.

Despite a check-in from me on Sunday morning, I didn't hear from him until 4pm: "Still under the weather.  Would it be horrible if I cancel today?"

After not seeing him for more than two weeks, then seeing him once, he'd now delayed meeting again for at least another week.  What was odd was that he never explained his sickness.  He was just "under the weather."  And also, as meager as the texts were from India, I was actually hearing less from him now that he was back.

I hashed and rehashed everything that had happened since his return.  Why was he suddenly so distant?  Was he seeing someone else??  Yes, he could be sick, just as he said, but for me to be that out of it, I'd have to be comatose.  Why is it so hard to text a sentence or two twice a day?

Then it clicked with me...

Two good dates...two weeks apart...some reluctance to have me pick him up from the airport...his naturally super-polite nature...

He's not that interested and he doesn't know how to tell me, especially since I am so clearly into him.

Instead of addressing the problem head-on, he's avoiding me, which is the way so many guys play the dating game.

What should I do?  Confront him?  Or just let things fade out naturally?

***

As it turned out, I was wrong.  He wasn't purposefully avoiding me, he was badly jet-lagged *and* struggling with a version of Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition that causes him to go into hibernation mode when the weather is especially cold, gray and gloomy.  So, his cancelled dates and lack of texts didn't indicate anything sinister, he actually was sick.

That was six weeks ago.  Since then, our relationship has blossomed.  We are as wild about each other as two middle-aged introverts possibly could be.  And while that description might not sound impressive, the passion is amazing, especially in bed.

Outside of bed, I'm experiencing something I never have before.  Normally, in a new relationship, I'd be hyped-up on endorphins, climbing the walls if I didn't get a "fix" by seeing or talking to my crush every day.  And yes, I have had moments where I've felt that way about the Architect.  But mostly, I'm at peace, grounded and calm.  The day-to-day stuff isn't that important to me, perhaps because I have this weird, matter-of-fact instinct that we will be together for a very long time.

I realize that might be a naive or delusional thing to say, but my comfort with the idea is so strong that I'm OK with being wrong.  Essentially, I feel like the glue holding us together is the best it can be, so if things don't work out it will be for fundamental reasons beyond our control.  This conviction gives me confidence not to sweat the small stuff, like, if he cancels a date or if we meet and don't have sex.  Both have recently happened, and I've been disappointed, but I didn't fret about them.

Getting back to the question of whether sex on our first date was a good idea, my answer is that it was thrilling but potentially dangerous.  The problem was that in the days and weeks afterward, I didn't know if our attraction was because of the sex or because we were compatible.  If we had gone the traditional route of three or four get-to-know you dates and then had sex, I would have had much more confidence in our connection earlier that I did.

Also, this didn't happen with us, but I could see how small miscommunications early on might have caused either us to assume our first-date chemistry was based on lust and horniness, not a meaningful connection. I therefore have concluded that hooking-up on a first DATE should be avoided.  Hook-ups that turn into dates are different story.
A partnered pair of middle-aged introverts.  (In my dreams!!)

So, ya, I'm coupled now. 

It felt fucking awesome to delete my on-line dating profile.  I don't miss any of that BS one bit.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

A Prostate-Friendly Way to Speed Date

As explained in my previous post, one-night stands and hook-ups don't normally appeal to me.  I much prefer frequent, mind-blowing sex with someone I genuinely like as a person.  Sex with a deep emotional connection; that's what turns me on.

Even so, for a while I was toying with the idea of pursuing hook-ups.

There's a good argument to be made that hooking-up is a smart way to look for a relationship.  This is because finding a compatible person is a numbers game and arranging ten hook-ups is far easier than arranging ten coffee dates.  Hook-ups are a prostate-healthy way to speed-date, really.
Professor of Mathematics, Pietro Boselli

Helping to push me off my "hook-ups aren't for me" high-horse were a number of readers here who shared stories of meeting their partners through sex dates.  They were pretty convincing.  But just as I was about to give that strategy a try, fate intervened.  Instead of trying to turn a hook-up into a date, I found myself in a situation where a first date turned into a hook-up.

Is that such a bad thing?

Normally, I'd say no.  Very few first dates go anywhere, so what's the big deal if one ends with sex?  I'll tell you when --- if the sex replaces, or makes a confused mess of, a potentially great emotional connection.

What I mean is, when you're on a first date with someone, and you have good chemistry, and the date ends with sex...what was the *actual* reason you had chemistry?  Because you were both horny?  Because the thrill of flirting your way to sex was so intoxicating?  Or, because you genuinely liked and were attracted to each other, in a special and significant way?

Also, sex changes things.  Once you have sex with someone, the thrill of the chase fades.  A good first date with lots of flirting that ends with sex therefore doesn't mean very much.

And finally, hot sex on a first date sets the bar pretty high for date #2.  How often is the magic better the second time around?

Thankfully, my second date with the Architect went extremely well.  The sex was at least as good as on the first date and being able to maintain our connection gave me hope for the future.  But then, just as I was leaving, he surprised me by announcing he was a day away from a two week trip to India.

So frustrating!

In addition to the disappointment of missing out on some potentially great sex, I was concerned that the long break would break us.  Specifically, I was concerned that one or both of us would realize that we didn't click in a meaningful way, other than when we were naked in bed together.

Well...long story made short...my fears were realized.

Although being able to text halfway around the world is a technical marvel (what would Christopher Columbus think?), two sentences a day are not enough to sustain a good connection.  They were maddening, actually, because the days dragged by.

The good news was that I was able to convince him to let me pick him up at the airport when he returned.  He seemed somewhat reluctant to allow that, but ultimately he did.

With two weeks of expectations built-up inside of me, I was as hyper as a squirrel on meth on the day of his arrival.  Masturbation is normally a good way to take the edge off, but I didn't want to do that right before seeing him again.  Working out helped a little, but not much.  Eventually, and somewhat unknowingly, I chose to pour a lot of my nervous energy into a simple, understated gift for him: a $5 bouquet of cheap flowers.  I'm not sure why I picked that.  It just seemed appropriate, I guess; something thoughtful and traditional but not too special.

When I bought the flowers, I imagined handing them to him as he walked out of the boarding gate, with not many people around.  Well, silly me, ALL international flights exit Customs and Immigration through the same gigantic door.  This means there's a constant flow of large numbers of people exiting, and an even larger group of family and friends waiting to greet them.  I live in a liberal, gay-friendly metro area...but as I looked upon more than 100 non-Westerners waiting at the exit...I felt like I could have easily been in Dubai, Shanghai or Mumbai.

I waited about five minutes and watched as travelers arrived and were greeted.  One or two other waiters had flowers, but not many.  I saw a few men greet other men, but none of them were an obvious couple.

The longer I watched others, the more I felt like a fool.  I really don't know him that well...what if I embarrass or humiliate him with an inappropriate greeting?

I couldn't take that chance.  In a sudden panic, both because I was worried I'd made a mistake AND because I was afraid he'd exit Immigration while I was gone, I jogged through the airport, to the parking garage and to my car where I gently tossed the flowers on the passenger seat.  As I did, I muttered to myself, Why did I buy those? I'm so stupid.

It turned out that leaving the flowers in the car was a good call.  I don't think I would have actually humiliated either of us if I'd given them to him in front of a hundred Sikhs, Indians and Arabs, but I certainly risked being over-the-top.  Honestly, the instant I saw him exit Immigration I realized I needed to relax and be low-key.  Two good dates could be the start of something meaningful but we certainly weren't anywhere close to that yet.  Especially after two weeks of very little contact.


Our communication was so minimal that we hadn't discussed what we'd do after I picked him up.  Was I merely giving him a ride home?  Would we have lunch?  Would we cuddle?  I really had no clue.  But whatever happened, I was just glad to see him.

The drive back to his place took somewhat longer than expected, more than an hour.  At about minute 35, the conversation started to lag.  Was he tired?  He'd been traveling for 30 hours, after all.  Or did we really not have much to talk about?

The rest of the ride wasn't exactly awkward, but it wasn't great either.

Once we arrived at his place, and hauled his luggage into the house, he said, "I'm hungry.  Are you?  As a thank you for picking me up, I'll make you lunch."  Since he'd been gone for so long, he had no food in the house.  "Do you mind if we go buy a few things?" he asked.  "Not at all," I answered.

Somehow, from that time forward, the minutes melted away.  We spent the rest of the day together, nearly nine hours.  We had lunch, then dinner, then got naked and had some fun. Afterward he quickly fell asleep, which wasn't surprising given his long journey.

As we laid there together, intimately intertwined in his bed, I looked up and noticed a high window where I could see a three-quarter moon shining above us. In that moment...I realized for the very first time...just how completely comfortable I was holding a naked man.  

This feels right.

The longer I spent looking up at the moon, the more closely connected I felt to the man gently breathing on my chest.


I could spend every night like this.   In this bed, with this man.  Together.

***

We texted a little in the morning of the following day, a Tuesday.  It was his first day back at work so I knew he would be busy.

I texted him on Wednesday morning, but didn't hear back.

When I hadn't heard anything by Thursday morning, I debated whether I should text again.  I decided I should, but I'd be brief and upbeat.

Finally, on Thursday night, I heard from him for the first time in more than two days.  He said, "Sorry, I have been sick and not been able to respond to you.  Please have a nice night."

Please have a nice night?  Was that sincere? Or a way to dismiss further contact??

During our day together on Monday, we had talked about meeting on Friday, but he never mentioned doing so again.  He also didn't return any of my texts that day.  What the hell is going on?

Finally, on Saturday morning, I heard from him: "Feeling better.  Hopefully fully recovered this weekend."

Later that day we agreed to meet on Sunday for dinner.

Despite a check-in from me on Sunday morning, I didn't hear from him again until 4pm: "Still under the weather.  Would it be horrible if I cancel today?"

After not seeing him for more than two weeks, then seeing him once, he'd now delayed meeting again for at least another week.  What was odd was that he never explained his sickness.  He was just "under the weather."  And also, as meager as the texts were from India, I was actually hearing less from him now that he was back.

I hashed and rehashed everything that had happened since his return.  Why was he suddenly so distant?  Was he seeing someone else??  Yes, he could be sick, just as he said, but for me to be that out of it, I'd have to be comatose.  Why is it so hard to text a sentence or two twice a day?

Then it clicked with me...

Two good dates...two weeks apart...some reluctance to have me pick him up from the airport...his naturally super-polite nature...

He's not that interested and he doesn't know how to tell me, especially since I am so clearly into him.

 Instead of addressing the problem head-on, he's avoiding me, which is the way so many guys play the dating game.

What should I do?  Confront him?  Or just let things fade out naturally?

To be continued...