Friday, April 15, 2016

Advice needed: married man thinking of cheating with men

I recently received the following request for advice:
I'm in my mid-forties, married with kids.
I had some guy experiences before marriage, but nothing since. 
I've been having some marital problems for a few years, and I'm also feeling very strong urges to be with men. 
I am considering going behind my wife's back, but I am struggling with the idea of being unfaithful. 
Keeping my marriage and family is more important to me than sexual gratification, but I really want some sexual gratification. 
What should I do?
Does any of this sound familiar?  It's not my story, but it is common to a lot of married men.

I asked the guy what he thought his options were.  He said he had three:

1.  Maintain the marriage but have discreet, safe sex with men.

2.  Remain faithful and find other ways to satisfy his sexual needs.

3.  Come out to his wife and hope she'd be understanding.

I suggested a fourth:

4.  Work to resolve the issues in the marriage, with the goal of feeling as fulfilled and gratified as possible.  If he became satisfied, his problem was solved.  If he couldn't be satisfied, he'd know much better if he wanted to stay married or not.

Does anyone have any other suggestions or strong opinions about how this man should proceed?  If so, please share them in the comment section below.

If you don't want to write a comment, please answer the poll question on the top right.  Let's see how much of a consensus there is for one "right" course of action.

By the way, the results for the previous poll "Is this man bi or gay?" were 70% gay and 30% bi.  I'll soon do a follow-up post about what the results mean to me.

In the meantime, let's judge Zac Efron's changed body...

Here is, circa 2010.  Not bad.
Here he is in 2016.  Is he too much of gym rat now?


  1. I just want to take this time to thank you for having this blog.
    I found it while I was searching for some information regarding "Fraternity Memoirs" on December 13, 2015, and I read it from beginning to end in less than a month.
    I was going through, still am in some way, a very difficult time in my life where it seemed that everything was out of control and I just wanted to disappear... Your blog became a very important part of my life when I needed it the most: it relaxed me, entertained me, made me feel so safe and, above all that, it provided an endless source of reveries which, of course, got me very distracted (which I needed so badly!).
    Thanks to it I have been able to discover other blogs, as well, so I am very grateful.
    I admire you very much, "Cameron", and have learned so much from you. I consider you a very intelligent human being who is extremely likable and relatable (I am fascinated by the way that you portray yourself: just an ordinary man with a great personality and a very kind heart. No pretenses, you are who you are).
    I must confess that there have been countless times where I have been very mad at you because of some choices that you have made, but you have always won me back by showing me that we, as humans, make mistakes and the whole purpose of making them is that we can learn from them and become better people (kind of cliched, but it is how I feel about it).
    I wish that you could publish more articles more often as you used to, but I assume (assuming is something that I really dislike doing) that either you are very busy leading your life or things are just going too well for you at the moment (since most of your blog was about all the inconveniences that you had to go through and finding ways to overcome them while trying to seek out ways to have a satisfactory life for you, your family and others around you). If the latter is the case, I am very happy for you, God knows that you deserve it.
    Again: ¡Muchas gracias por todo!

    1. Wow, Topacio! Your comment blows me away. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my drivel and to write such a kind and thoughtful message. I'm totally embarrassed and I don't know what to say.

      I'm glad my nuttiness provided a good distraction at a time when you needed it. I sincerely hope life is much better for you now?

      I apologize for not posting more often. For various reasons it takes me weeks to get something written and submitted. Knowing that you've enjoyed my roller coaster ride gives me a good incentive to post more.

      Thank you again for your very thoughtful comment. I wish you all the best and endless happiness!

  2. Cameron, I agree with your advice to that guy to work on the marital issues first. I skipped that step and went to 1. sex with guys on the DL. I eventually did number 3. came out to wife, but by then I didn't want to work on issues, but just move on with my boyfriend. So I think it's good to give a chance to work on issues first.

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience Paul. It turns out that most readers (50%!) agree that working on the marriage first is the better option. Remaining faithful (and watching porn) received 22% of the vote, discreet encounters 16% and ask for an open marriage 12%. I like these polls because it's good to know what others are thinking. Thanks for reading and commenting Paul.

  3. Wow, I have so much empathy for bisexual men. At least in my case, no matter how much I wished it away, I knew I was gay. There was no confusion for me, I have only been attracted to men. My struggle was accepting it but at least I didn't have the extra confusion and stress that you guys have. I really feel for you and that is including your following post about the car ride with your ex. There isn't much I can ad, I don't have that experience to draw from.

    On the lighter side, I like the older natural Zac picture, the new one has veins popping out of his arms as if he was taking something.