First Time: Sex with a Woman! (Bi / Gay Story - Part 27)

 "My girlfriend Gabby REALLY surprised me when I visited her for Spring Break!"

"GAY" DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!! - (Bi / Gay Story - Part 26)

 "I'm in a relationship with a girl that I didn't seek. I thought the relationship would fade when we went long-distance. Now she wants more from me...I'm so conflicted about what to do. The only thing I know for sure is that 'GAY' should not define me!"

Gay Guy with a Girlfriend: What Should I Do?? (Bi / Gay Story - Part 25)

After my girlfriend nearly caught me in bed with a dude, I've decided to not to take any more chances. I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend but we're going to live 2,000 miles apart for 6 months so I'm hoping the distance will help me decide whether I should keep experimenting with her or not.

Cornered and Asked if I'm Gay. The Next Day was Bizarre. (Bi / Gay Story - Part 23)

 "Are you Gay?" - No one has ever asked me that before. When it happened, I didn't expect it. I had to think fast! Now that I've answered, I'm in a weird and totally unexpected situation.

Gay, Closeted & Drunk: an Unexpected Gay Bar Tour in London (Bi / Gay Story - Part 22)

Although I'm gay and in the closest, I've been experimenting with being out while traveling alone in Europe. I had kind of a crazy night in London last night - but this morning was genuinely STUNNING. This was not what I expected when I came to London.

First Time: Hook-Up in a Gay Club (Bi / Gay Story - Part 21)

It's 30 minutes before closing time and everyone is pairing up to go home together, probably for gay sex.  

I've barely talked to anyone in the few gay clubs I'd been in and no one tonight.  Now, all of a sudden, this guy I've never seen before is asking me to leave with him.  

I'm very nervous but I think I'm going to say yes.

Gay at Night Experiment (Bi / Gay Story - Part 20)

 After coming out to one gay friend when he came out to me, I'm still 99.9% in the closet. But I'm going to try an experiment when I travel alone for two weeks in Germany, Austria and England. No one will know what I'm doing and I can't wait!

 

 

Gay Bars are Scary! / Life and School Update (Bi / Gay Story - Part 19)

I'm 19, gay and in the closet. Last summer, I made a gay friend at work, Omed. When he came out to me, I came out to him (part 18). This summer we're working together again and Omed is determined to get me into some gay bars so I can see what they're like. Um...scary! 

Gay Miracle / School Field Hook Up / College Year Two (Bi / Gay Story - Part 18)

 Here's part 18 of my bi / gay story, a summary of all the gay stuff that's happened to me over the past several months. The two biggest things were completely unexpected and really quite shocking for me!

 

Secret Gay Crush Confrontation + Not Joining the LGBT Club (Bi / Gay Story - Part 16)

 I finished my first three months of college, now I'm back home for break. 

My high school was still in session so I went back to see some people. I ended up having one of the most awkward face-to-face conversations ever! 

Also, for a solid minute I thought about joining my college's LGBT club.

 

Gay Boyfriend's Confession + Fight with Dad (Bi / Gay Story - Part 15)

Meeting my first gay boyfriend has made for a fun - and eventful - summer. But after last weekend (part 14) and now this weekend, plus a few more things I've learned about Brian, I don't think I'll be seeing him again anytime soon.

My Gay Summer Romance, Update (Bi / Gay Story - Part 14)

Brian and I regularly get to spend naked time together.

He's asked me to do favors for him, both when we're naked and when we're not.

My Gay Summer Romance (Bi / Gay Story - Part 13)

That guy who called me when I left my number on a bathroom wall at the local college?

I met him.

Here's what happened next!

Found a safe way to meet other young guys in the closet (Bi / Gay Story - Part 12)

With not a lot to do in the summer between high school and college, I'm on the hunt to find another young, closeted guy like me.

Wrestling my Hot, Straight(?) Crush /Senior Prom/ What's Next (Bi / Gay Story - Part 11)

I'm in the final days of high school and I am OBSESSED with Rick. I can barely think of anyone else. In some ways he seems 100% straight.. but why does he always want to wrestle with me???

The feel of his body pressing and rubbing against mine is driving me crazy!!

Straight Guy Flirting with Me?? / Acquiring a Girl(!)friend (Bi / Gay Story - Part 10)

Two complications of staying in the closet:

1. What do you do when a straight guy (your friend's boyfriend!) seems to be flirting with you?

2.  How do you avoid getting pushed into a relationship with a girl by well-intentioned friends?

Fifteen: First time sex! So gay. (Bi / Gay Story - Part 9)

Here's the story of my first time:

Fifteen: "For a BJ Call..." (Bi / Gay Story - Part 8)

For many of us, internalized homophobia and self-hate are part and parcel of being gay.

They have ruined lives and caused hundreds of thousands of deaths, mostly by suicide.

I was 15 when my feeling of self-hate peaked, and like so many others, I was determined to kill myself.  Fortunately, I guess, I was such a pathetic loser that I didn't have the guts to actually do it.

Little did I know it at the time, but being pathetic at the key moment of a teenage, self-hating crisis turned out be the perfect vaccine for my internalized homophobia.  From that point onward, the potency of my self-hate faded.  I wasn't cured, nor will I ever be, but I was permanently inoculated from most of its harmful effects.  Lucky me!  (Seriously.)

This is good news for you too.  It means that instead of focusing inward, my story starts to involve others --- and that is where it begins to become less conventional.

----

Once I understood that death wasn't an option, I grew hungry to understand what being gay actually meant.  My local library was an invaluable resource is that regard, and it's where this episode of my "Staying in the Closet Story" takes place...

Fifteen: The Only Reason I Didn't Hang Myself on Monday (Bi / Gay Story - Part 7)

At 15, I had a firm plan for how I was going to kill myself and the conviction to do it.

Unlike many others, however, I never actually made an attempt.  This teen-angsty video explains why.

Oh the drama of being a closeted, self-hating homosexual at 15!

The good news is that this video shows the closing minutes of that drama.

Much more interesting things lie ahead, like, sex for the first time.

Fifteen: Hanging myself at school (Bi / Gay Story - Part 6)

Looking back, this all seems very dramatic now.

But at the time, it was very real.

Part of being gay is dealing with self-hate.  In a way, the hate is a disease.   Mentally, you can try all kinds of tricks to help you cope but ultimately a "cure" comes from deep within.  A place outside of our own control.

My self-hate peaked in a do-or-die month when I was 15.  I feel fortunate to have dealt with it then.  I know many men are still struggling with it in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s.

Fear, motivated by self-hate and homophobia, is what keeps most men in the closet.  Although I wasn't fear-free by 16, the purge of self-hate at 15 laid the foundation for the rest of my unusual story.